Cephalopod Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 Have you informed the wives and husbands of the other bowling club members as to what has been going on? Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 Get well in all areas. your kids need you. but she does need to experience some consequences from her actions. If you need some space, have her give you more space. Good luck to you. Hope you find your way thru this mess she created. And do see your attorney. It would not hurt for her to see some divorce papers in your house. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 During all this I did tell my parents, brother and best friend that she had cheated. Not the extent of it but just that it happened. They have all said they will be there for me whatever I decide. I know I should have done that earlier but you live and learn. It's quite uplifting to know people actually do understand and wont judge. Of course judging by the comments here if I told them that we were swingers then that would all change and I would be judged to within an inch of my life.. Not sure if you're being sarcastic about this or not. Either way what you say here is true - they will judge you and not very kindly at that. The problem with not telling the people you rely on for support the whole Swinger thing is that without that they don't have a true appreciation for your situation. It's like what happened on this thread once the swinging thing was revealed; everything changed. When I found out I felt foolish for the advice I had given to that point. I can't empathize with you so I don't try to help. So complicated. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 The problem with not telling the people you rely on for support the whole Swinger thing is that without that they don't have a true appreciation for your situation. It's like what happened on this thread once the swinging thing was revealed; everything changed. When I found out I felt foolish for the advice I had given to that point. I can't empathize with you so I don't try to help. So complicated. This is exactly why there is no need to disclose every personal detail of what goes on in a couple's house. Some things are simply private and none of anyone else's business. Yes, it is true that people will judge if you do something different than them. That is why discretion has it's place. If a couple is separating and/or divorcing or having a degree of marital discord that it is effecting other people in some way, it is ok to disclose to close friends and relatives that that you may not be yourself at the moment due to issues on the homefront. That is fine and fair. However no one is entitled to any specific details or any dirty laundry nor do they have any need to know. If you two are working with a professional therapist for the purpose of reconciliation, then there are things that may need to be worked through within the therapy session. However your Aunt Petunia and nosey neighbor and your cousin Billy have virtual no need to know what goes on in the privacy of your home ever. That applies to the swinger, the monogamist, the polygamist, the bachelor, the bachelorette, the hippie and the asexuals alike. Noone is entitled nor has any need to know of what goes on or does not go on behind the closed doors of a couple's bedroom. Period. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 Oh, just stay with her already. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 It would take every ounce of self control I had not to take a baseball bat and go after very one of those bowling team members. If my husband was in that position, he would have done the same thing after throwing me out on my ass. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 I hope you're ok OP. I wish you all the best and a speedy recovery. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 (edited) Hi folks, I just wanted to say that I completely agree with Old shirt. The OP and his wife were in the swinging lifestyle a little before and for a short while, after they got married. Subsequently, for all practical purposes, they closed their marriage up, maybe by default, but it was closed nevertheless. Regardless, cheating is frowned upon in any of the current alternative lifestyles that are prevalent and, if anything, open communication is encouraged vociferously, in all these so called lifestyles, to engender trust between the partners. What the OPs wife did was pure and simple cheating nothing less. That is at the heart of the OPs anguish and it seems some people here are just refusing to see this and on a merry trip bashing the OP for the wrong reasons. If we don't have anything positive to say to the OP then at least let us have the charity to let him bear his pain with dignity and not rub salt in his wounds. Sorry but this is what I think and feel! Warm wishes to all. Edited September 1, 2016 by Just a Guy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 Blaming the OP for this situation and saying he has no cause to be upset is like blaming someone for getting in a car wreck on their way to the grocery store because they used race stock cars on a dirt track 20 years prior. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 I haven't read the replies since my last post yet. I will do and reply when/where appropriate soon. I have been in hospital for the last 5 days. I had a bit of a break down / anxiety attack. That wasn't the real concern though, the Doctors were worried that I was malnourished. I hadn't been eating right, sometimes skipping meals, so they kept me in on a drip and made me see a dietician. A bit embarrassing really. Anyway I am out now. And although my wife was by my side the entire time I think I had some sort of realisation that I need to put myself first. Now I don't think I can ever do that because my kids will always come first but I have to take care of myself. Although she has done everything right since the discovery I think I just need time apart from her. I don't want to be away from my kids so I have asked her to move out. She did not take it well and has begged me to let her stay. I haven't got the strength to fight about it right now so I will discuss it further with her in the next day or so. We have a granny flat out the back where her mum used to live before she passed. I think in the U.S you call them secondary suites or Accessory Dwelling Units. I have asked her to move in there. Her main reason for not wanting to seems to be the embarrassment it will cause. The kids and friends will know we have issues. I think it's time she suffered some embarrassment. It's a small price to pay for what she did. If she continues to flatly refuse I don't know what I will do. I don't think I can force her out and I will not leave my kids. But it will show me that the care she seems to have for me is just superficial. During all this I did tell my parents, brother and best friend that she had cheated. Not the extent of it but just that it happened. They have all said they will be there for me whatever I decide. I know I should have done that earlier but you live and learn. It's quite uplifting to know people actually do understand and wont judge. Of course judging by the comments here if I told them that we were swingers then that would all change and I would be judged to within an inch of my life. Thanks. Talk to a lawyer first but if she won't move out and give you the space you need then you(on your lawyers advice) move out which will probably cause her more embarrassment because it will show everyone just how selfish she is. Even though you haven't told your family as to the depth of her infidelity the information will soon come out because of the other two divorces. I think it would go better for everyone if the information came from you rather then a third party source. Is your court system based on the English Common Law System, are you in England? Just trying to find out if you are in a no fault jurisdiction. Your lifestyle early on in your relationship has nothing to do with her lack of morals, boundaries and her faithfulness. The issue here is that she did all of this behind your back, just your everyday lying cheating wife. The depth of her betrayal really says a lot about just how broken she is. I still think you need to divorce her regardless, date her if you want after the divorce, that is your decision to decide. Take care of yourself, none of this bulls*it that she brought into your world is worth your health. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 I know you were sick, are you any better? We are all concerned about you and would like to know how you are doing. Peace... Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 As this thread seems to be having a hard time staying on topic in the Op's absence, we will close it up for now and give them a chance to catch up. Careless Whispers, you may request this thread reopened for updates at any time by using the "Alert Us" button. ~T Link to post Share on other sites
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