My Story being the OW

[kimber1981]

One year ago and being still married i began an affair with a married work colleague, i have known him for about a decade and we have been friends prior to this but we only started flirting about an year and a half ago. i divorced my husband after this, not because of the A or the MM, but i like to think of the A as being at least partly an "exit affair" in my case. I took the infidelity as a sign that my already wrecked marriage was over and didn't want to stay in a loveless marriage. The MM on the other hand, always told me right away that he was in a sexless marriage (i know for a personal reason that he wasn't lying on this), but there were no real fights between them, more like roommate style, based on companionship but no mutual sexual or romantic feelings; he thought about divorce but his process would be slow due to financial and familiar reasons. there are no kids involved on his side, but he has a long history of struggling with infertility issues and long distance relocation. we always talked about our separation processes being separate entities and not linked one to another. i felt that he neither lead me on thinking that he would be separated by know but he didn't deny the possibility either.

 

Long story short, the affair had its ups and down but we are/were still together until 2 weeks ago, when we mutually agreed that we better ended the relationship. as for myself i couldnt handle being the OW, not being chosen 100% of the time, i also feel that i finally finished grieving the loss of my ex husband (even though i didn't love him anymore, i grieved the attachment and the loss of a 10 year relationship, moving out of my house etc), and once i went through this grieving process i realized that the only thing that was making me uncomfortable in my life was this affair. i never asked him to divorce as i see this as a real personal decision and as the subject came i told him that if we would be together as a real couple some day it would be after he divorces for his own reasons and not because of me as i could not carry the burden of having someone divorce on my behalf.

 

His reasons for ending the affair were that he was uncomfortable with the situation too; since i divorced he felt that the relationship was asymmetric, he said that he didn't like the double life that he was leading; on the other hand he said that even though i didn't believe him, he was really going to go through a divorce himself but that he needed to take distance from me right now in order to go through this by himself; he said that i have turned into someone very important to him , that he loves me, that he would like to have a relationship with me once he has the freedom to choose me, and that he didn't want this to be a transitional relationship.

 

i had been sad for 3 days following the day we decided to stop seeing each other, constantly crying, even though some place in my heart i knew that it was the right decission. i traded days at work in order to avoid contact with him as i believe the best way is to go NC; the fourth day i began to feel well, better that i have felt in years; i felt that i was no longer carrying the burden of the loveless marriage and/or the affair with a married man. i really saw this as freeing myself from the "victim role" and i felt in peace with myself and that i was finally acting according to my personal values in a really long time.

 

6 days later he contacts me saying he misses me, he was sad, he said that he wasn't ending this story, that he wished that some day we will be back together once he has the freedom to do so; i told him that it was ok for him to phone me; he began frequent contact via phone/ text and finally asked me to meet for coffee 2 days ago; he still says that he wants to go through his divorce process alone,....yet he can't seem to walk the talk.

 

i am really confused right now as i don't know if i should go NC again, maintain some kind of contact. i feel that if he still is part of my life i won't be able to move on and find an available man.

 

thanks for reading! advice welcome

[Satu]

Welcome to LS.

 

 

I would just like to caution you about not settling into a 'one foot in, one foot out' situation.

 

It's a formula for stagnation, and most people who do that remain stuck for years, and make little progress in life.

 

I would recommend a period of very strict NC, while you gain some clarity.

 

3 months would probably be enough.

 

 

Take care.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

*If you work together, nothing more than basic civil communication about work.

[kimber1981]

thank you so much

seeing the NC explanation written makes me gain perspective of what i rationally think that i should do, but seems so hard to comply (especially when there has been mutual agreement and no drama, no fights, etc )

[loveisanaction]

So, his reason for ending the affair is because it is now asymmetrical? Since you have become someone who is important to him, he loves you and he is working on getting a divorce, shouldn't he be happy that you are now a divorced woman? It's interesting that now that you are a divorced is when he says he needs to stay away from you so that he can work on his own divorce.

 

Like you said, go back to NC because he's talking the talk but not walking the walk.

 

Let him do what he said he will do; work on his divorce so that the both of you can be together.

[kimber1981]

worse than that, he says he needs to stay away but can't seem to match his own needs; thanks for the reply!!

[DKT3]

He is not getting a divorce, the comment he made is proof of that. Were his intentions to be divorced true then you being divorced would be in balance with his end game.

 

Also him saying that he needed to go thru this alone says what about him being involved during your process?

 

Here is a manslation. (Man translation) you are divorced now, which means you will have expectations. I don't need that kind of crazy so go get in that box in the corner and when I'm ready to play I will pull you out.

 

NC is a must, staying involved on any lvl will be a hamster wheel. And no you can't be friends and talk over coffee, soon it will lead to talking over a pillow.

[DKT3]

Also, for the benefit of personal growth, saying your affair was a sign you were over your marriage is very flawed logic, all your affair shows signs of is poor boundaries.

[Shadowburn]

I think you shouldn't be meeting him. A lot of mm are going NC only to find out that life is not the same without attention and adoration of ow. So they start to miss you, txt you. Trying to be friends, to meet over coffee - in reality, all of it is just an attempt to hold on to you and to prevent you from moving on.

 

You are single, why waste your time on this? You're doing So much better without him already.

Tell him not to contact you until he is available for proper relationship with you.

And then live the best life you possibly can.

 

Best wishes and welcome to LS xo

[Bufo]

worse than that, he says he needs to stay away but can't seem to match his own needs; thanks for the reply!!

 

OMG as the kids say. It's been a whole 2 weeks and he can't match his own needs? If my understanding is correct hasn't found AP #Next and needs to tell you about it

 

Well he's trying to reel you back in with this subtle way of telling you that you are extra special to him. Don't fall for it.

 

I've posted this before so veteran posters can ignore the next sentence or two

 

Rule 1 in WMM life is that it's always easier to keep what you have than it is to locate, groom, and seduce a new AP. And he is applying that rule to you

 

Stay NC and he will eventually find a new AP. How difficult or time consuming that is isn't your concern.

[kimber1981]

Thank you all for the advice!

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

6 days later he contacts me saying he misses me, he was sad, he said that he wasn't ending this story, that he wished that some day we will be back together once he has the freedom to do so; i told him that it was ok for him to phone me; he began frequent contact via phone/ text and finally asked me to meet for coffee 2 days ago; he still says that he wants to go through his divorce process alone,....yet he can't seem to walk the talk.

 

i am really confused right now as i don't know if i should go NC again, maintain some kind of contact. i feel that if he still is part of my life i won't be able to move on and find an available man.

 

thanks for reading! advice welcome

 

Bolded part above - that is it, focus on that. My xMM said stuff like that. News flash, he was not in a prison cell and neither is your xMM. That sentence is code for - I'm never going to leave but I miss my cake on the side.

 

Not the reason I am on LS but 10 years ago I wasted 3 years on a guy who was sorta separated and lied constantly about filing.

 

You are right though, if you go full NC, he will never leave without making sure you are there for him. These men, they leapfrog. The problem is, they leap back and forth. I don't know your guy, to give him the benefit of the doubt, assume he will not leave, but be honest, you want him to get divorced and if he really is filing, okay but otherwise, call you when he files. You will see quickly the truth.

[lemondrop21]

I want to congratulate you on the big D, which you clearly are at peace with now but which can't have been easy. I ended a five year LTR a little over a year ago and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and the grief wasn't a linear process by any means, but by one year out, I knew I had made the right decision.

 

It may help to think about the grief you had to go through during the divorce, in terms of what MM would need to go through as well. There would be days when he would have doubts. He might even shed tears. All of that would be normal, but possibly awkward for you if you two were together right away. So, another reason to add to your list of reasons why space from him is good right now.

 

Look, a lot of men don't leave. But some do. If he doesn't leave, it's either because it wasn't the right decision for him to leave, or because he's a coward who cannot follow through and do the right thing for you and ultimately for his wife (who deserves someone who actually wants to be committed to her). In either of the above two scenarios, you ultimately win. You win freedom from this mess, freedom from a coward, and the ability to meet someone new and available and fall crazy, head over heels in love with them. Good luck.

[kimber1981]

Thank you all for your advice; to day is day 2 of NC i didnt cry i just feel empowered; thanks

[kimber1981]

hi, it´s been a while since my last post. i have been reading all of your stories but didnt feel like writing about myself and much less offering support since the road has been rocky the past 6 months. i am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel so i hope that i soon might be able to help others with my experience.

i ve been through an on and off period (with exMM) since august and finally in NC for about 20 days. (affair lasted 16 months in total)

i want to point out a few things

 

1-first excuse my grammar as English is not my primary language

2-i finally found the strength to end my affair (and i somehow know that this time is for good) i cant say i miss him, i definitely don´t want to go back into the affair and i even don´t think that i would date him in case he was single. he still occupies my thoughts but i think it´s kind of a habit i developed (thinking about him). actually my thoughts of him have no "emotions attached", no anger, etc. i hope that with time they´ll fade.

during the affair i used to think that the only thing that could "save" me from him, was another man. i am happy and totally single right now and i believe i owe it to the following 3 things

 

3-the enormous support i had from my friends. i told ALL of my friends about my affair. he was ok with me telling everybody i wanted, i think that the constant "bringing me down to reality" by them was much better for my recovery that it the affair had been kept in the dark. also that would have given him very much power (if he was not only the MM but the confident)

 

4-reading stories here on LS. almost as if it was a chore, until you read so many similar stories, that you begin to see the "textbook case" in all of them

 

5-psychotherapy!! where i live psychoanalysis is really popular and prestigious. by psychoanalysis i mean the Freudian type where you get to the root of the problem. it turns out that i have mommy issues since childhood (mother made me felt loved but not chosen, as she had a clear preference for my sister for reasons that i rather not say) and i unconsciously sought someone who made me feel same way: loved, but not chosen. it was really hard for me to come to this conclusion, but when i made this association, the affair itself and the MM lose very much of its attractiveness.

 

ok that´s my story until this moment! feedback is appreciated and thank you all for the support

[kimber1981]

I believe it took me this long in part because i still worked with him;

I somehow managed to change my working days so that we don't share working spaces. Now i only go to the common building twice a week on days he doesnt go. It was hard reorganizing my schedule but so worth it!