My wife wants my ex to "die alone" [update: Sleeping with ex fiancé]

[hoellein]

I have been married to my wife for 5 years - together for about 6. Basically... I was with engaged to another woman, met my wife and left so I could be with her. Emotional cheating, perhaps, but no physical cheating. I had that amount of class I suppose... Yes, I was a a-hole I will be the first to stand up and admit that. But moving on...

 

I have children with that ex. We have 50/50 custody. My wife has always been jealous of that. The relationship with my ex is good, we get along and rarely fight. We are both pretty giving and she's a great mother. My wife doesn't like her because of jealously. She is jealous that my kids are not hers. We have no kids together and never will. I don't want more kids, she knew that going into the marriage. Deep down, she doesn't want kids either.

 

My wife feels like my ex 'won' or has a larger part of me, or more intimacy with me, because we have kids together. She always says something like "You had kids together and that's something we'll never have".

 

Recently my ex broke up with her boyfriend because he was cheating on her. My wife was genuinely happy about it, and that's the real issue. She actually said "maybe she should just give up on dating and accept that she will die alone, she clearly isn't dating/marriage material". That ex has been cheated on in every relationship she has had.

 

My ex had another relationship end because of cheating, and she had a very hard time with it. My kids started living with me more temporarily and my wife wanted to take that to court to try and get full custody. I never would.

 

My wife would genuinely (or at least she thinks that) be happy if my ex never finds another partner. In my wife's mind, that makes her win? Because she got the man and the ex didn't and therefore she is better? IDK... Women.

 

I would have thought my wife would be happy if my ex finds a man because then she won't be interested in me (not that she is).

 

Generally, my wife is great. We have a good relationship and she treats my kids well. I am very happy being with her. She does try and overstep a bit, but she doesn't ever talk bad about my ex in front of them and doesn't usually try and keep them from my ex. I will never keep them from my ex, she is the best mother I could ask for (reason we broke up).

 

I have told my wife that she should go talk to someone and she has, but still remarks still come out now and then. Is this a normal thing to just ignore or a bigger red flag?

[ChickiePops]

Uh..no. Not 'women'. Normal women are not as nasty and vindictive as your wife. Please do not fool yourself into thinking that her attitude is normal. It's not. Not by a long shot. It's disgusting actually.

 

Huge red flag.

[lolablue17]

Your wife wants to have children with you. Your good relationship and mutual children with you Ex takes the bad out of her, but she tells you that she want kids. It's you that don't listen.

[Aniela]

Uh..no. Not 'women'. Normal women are not as nasty and vindictive as your wife. Please do not fool yourself into thinking that her attitude is normal. It's not. Not by a long shot. It's disgusting actually.

 

Huge red flag.

 

I was going to say the same thing.

 

Did she know your wife when you met? (You say you left to be with her.) And she wants to steal her kids from her? Wow, that's disgusting. I'm glad you didn't go along with that - it would hurt your kids, as well as your ex.

[Poutrew]

And why do you care what your wife thinks of the ex? This is a problem you caused yourself, and now your wife is dealing with it - your [choice]. The fact that it bothers you so much shows you still have feelings for the ex. Buddy, if I were you , I'd just let it alone before your wife decides to leave you. It is the way it is - and it's called consequences...

Edited August 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Langage

[l8estnews]

I am sorry but since you posted your issue here, I'll give you the best honest answer from me:

 

Your wife is kind of disturbing (euphemistically speaking.) No normal person would ever want anybody to be miserable. That's one of the best indication of a selfish person with severe superiority complex. I wouldn't be surprised if your ex would want sole custody of your kids, even I wouldn't want to let my children interact with your wife, too.

 

I am sorry you fell in love with her. But what do I know, love is blind

[todreaminblue]

Have you ever spoken to your wife about what she says about the mother of your children?

 

my ex is with the woman he had an affair with now.....he has not married her yet...but ...i am pretty sure she is pushing for it....she was extremely jealous of me in the beginning.....to the point family members would wait until she wasnt around to ask how i was and to wish me well....i have a good relationship with my ex because we have kids together....i know he wants me to find happiness with someone special........

 

i made friends with the other woman....not monumentally friends but i wished her well at christmas and thanked her for being there when my daughters are with my ex and her.....she changed....in that moment....and she isnt jealous anymore that i know of......over the phone i did this and in her voice i heard change from when i first got on the phone...a softening...a smile in there somewhere.....she doesnt mind when people talk or ask about me..she used to rag on me in front of my girls about things...like ridicule how i do things subtly...she doesnt anymore........she even sent me jewellry she had made for my birthday.....and talks to my girls about our life up here..

 

sometimes it takes that initial ice breaker...to break ice between exes and currents.if i had not talked to her...she would still be the same as she was....

 

 

..if your ex is willing see if she might be able to do an ice breaker...or talk to your wife.see if she might be willing to try to make it work..because whatever is said or felt between parents and step parents...needs to be held in reign...because it really is about the kids....break ups are hard for kids...and it makes it a hell of a lot easier if you can be at one with co parenting and each other...that includes your wife........i feel it might be more about her inability to have more children.....my exes partner had to have a hysterectomy too.....its a time in some womens' life where there is a little sadness.....i feel sad when i think about not having more kids.....so i just plan to mother other peoples kids...:0)

 

i would never wish anyone die alone.....not even enemies..certainly not my exes or even their partners......its actually really childish and spiteful of yoru wife to say such things..........that attitude and demeanor your wife has towards your ex...dont you think the kids will pick up on it some how...i am telling you...they will..mine did...and it was much more subtle an attack...more hidden..one day your kids will over hear what they arent meant too.....my daughters picked up on the tension.......i hope this changes for you...and your wife comes round to be more forgiving and understanding of the mother of your children..i wish you and yours well....deb

 

 

.

Edited August 14, 2016 by todreaminblue

[elaine567]

I have children with that ex. We have 50/50 custody. My wife has always been jealous of that. The relationship with my ex is good, we get along and rarely fight. We are both pretty giving and she's a great mother.

 

My wife doesn't like her because of jealously. She is jealous that my kids are not hers. We have no kids together and never will. I don't want more kids, she knew that going into the marriage.

Deep down, she doesn't want kids either.

 

My wife feels like my ex 'won' or has a larger part of me, or more intimacy with me, because we have kids together. She always says something like "You had kids together and that's something we'll never have".

 

 

My guess is that your wife is telling you here that she wants kids.

She is taking her frustration out on the ex, because she agreed previously with you that she didn't want kids, so she can hardly take her frustration out on you.

BUT she is trying in a round about way to make you change your mind about having kids with her - in order to balance up the wives.

She wants to play happy families with your kids, but she cannot really do that properly as the ex is still in the way.

She needs family of her own to re-assert her position as the "winner".

She now feels she is "less than", as you were prepared to have kids with your ex, but not with her.

 

How old is your wife, my guess is that her clock is ticking?

 

I also note your ex has a highly paid, in demand job, so she indeed has it all, kids, a great career, and she has you as her back up support system. You are concerned about your ex's welfare, and speak highly of her.

I guess your wife would prefer if your ex was a "horrible witch" in your eyes.

I am sure all those things are feeding your wife's jealousy.

 

She may have won "you", but in the battle of life, your ex scores pretty highly and that will rankle big time... your wife needs to see your ex unhappy and miserable, otherwise your wife sees herself as the real "loser" here...

 

Are you really enough of a "prize", for your wife to give up her chance of having a family for?

Time will tell.

[Aniela]

Oh, I missed the part where you said that you don't want any more kids. It does sound like she wants her own.

[road]

My guess is that your wife is telling you here that she wants kids.

She is taking her frustration out on the ex, because she agreed previously with you that she didn't want kids, so she can hardly take her frustration out on you.

BUT she is trying in a round about way to make you change your mind about having kids with her - in order to balance up the wives.

She wants to play happy families with your kids, but she cannot really do that properly as the ex is still in the way.

She needs family of her own to re-assert her position as the "winner".

She now feels she is "less than", as you were prepared to have kids with your ex, but not with her.

 

How old is your wife, my guess is that her clock is ticking?

 

I also note your ex has a highly paid, in demand job, so she indeed has it all, kids, a great career, and she has you as her back up support system. You are concerned about your ex's welfare, and speak highly of her.

I guess your wife would prefer if your ex was a "horrible witch" in your eyes.

I am sure all those things are feeding your wife's jealousy.

 

She may have won "you", but in the battle of life, your ex scores pretty highly and that will rankle big time... your wife needs to see your ex unhappy and miserable, otherwise your wife sees herself as the real "loser" here...

 

Are you really enough of a "prize", for your wife to give up her chance of having a family for?

Time will tell.

 

 

Right on the money.

 

 

Another example of when they have an affair they always affair down. OP well be happier when he is honest with himself that he made a big mistake in life choices.

[standtall]

Ho...what your current wife is feeling is probably more common than most people will admit....they just don't vocalize it. Many people have petty, vindictive evil thoughts...we just don't act on them.

 

Also, I am willing to bet your current wife would like a child with you.

 

Btw, you can get vasectomies reversed.

[l8estnews]

Ho...what your current wife is feeling is probably more common than most people will admit....they just don't vocalize it. Many people have petty, vindictive evil thoughts...we just don't act on them.

 

The reason why people don't vocalize it because at least they have the decency not to. We are human, I get it. Whenever we are angry or jealous, I also feel like this or thoughts like this cross my mind. But the fact that she can voice this feeling out is another level, especially to the person who fathered that woman's children.

[Just a Guy]

This is a very sad story and I can only say that the OP's ex is the real heroine in this tale. His current wife stole her husband from his ex with whom he had children and then she displays such a mean streak. As they say two cheaters deserve each other including the baggage that they each bring to the relationship. Thank God the ex does not know what this man's wife thinks of her other2ise she might file for dole custody of the children.

[minimariah]

Ho...what your current wife is feeling is probably more common than most people will admit....they just don't vocalize it. Many people have petty, vindictive evil thoughts...we just don't act on them.

 

to feel less than... even jealous... to have trouble accepting your partner's previous life... now THAT is normal and common. to have passing petty & vindictive... even EVIL thoughts... well, that's normal too.

 

but to feel it to such an extreme -- to the point you're actually using the children as a WEAPON and some kind of trophy against the ex...? to the point where you're ACTING on those thoughts, cruelly trying to use someone else's pain & weak moment against them...? to the point where you're feeling vindictive towards someone who never damaged you in any way...? to the point where you're actively trying to squeeze out the mother & take her place in the children's lives...? to the point where you're actually REJOICING in someone else's misery...? yeah... that's WAAAAAY past normal and it has a name - sadism. and it's not common at all.

 

OP - i see a lot of parental alienation syndrome going on here. KUDOS and BRAVO to you for not allowing yourself to be manipulated by the wife and for respecting your ex. i personally don't think you made the "wrong choice" - your relationship with the ex clearly wasn't meant to be BUT i do think you have a huge problem you're not even aware of. you're overlooking something that would made most folks run for the hills.

 

you don't need kids to make you WHOLE as a couple; there is a reason your wife feels like she needs that piece of a puzzle in order to feel safe and comofortable in the relationship... i'd focus on that.

Edited August 14, 2016 by minimariah

[hoellein]

Your wife wants to have children with you. Your good relationship and mutual children with you Ex takes the bad out of her, but she tells you that she want kids. It's you that don't listen.

 

I don't think she really wants kids, I think she just wants to win. We agreed before we married that neither of us wanted (more) kids. She has always said that she doesn't want her own kids. We both like the 50/50 life style. We have our life with my kids, but also have the freedom to do other things and live child-free.

 

I was going to say the same thing.

 

Did she know your wife when you met? (You say you left to be with her.) And she wants to steal her kids from her? Wow, that's disgusting. I'm glad you didn't go along with that - it would hurt your kids, as well as your ex.

 

Um... she knew that I was married and knew who my wife was. She didn't know my ex personally, though.

 

I would never take my kids away from my ex. She is the best mother to them that I could ask for.

 

And why do you care what your wife thinks of the ex? This is a problem you caused yourself, and now your wife is dealing with it - your [choices]. The fact that it bothers you so much shows you still have feelings for the ex. Buddy, if I were you , I'd just let it alone before your wife decides to leave you. It is the way it is - and it's called consequences...

 

Simply put? Because some of the things my wife says are f*cked up. It's really that simple. My ex is always going to be in my life. We have maintained a good coparent relationship and I'd like to keep it that way, it's best for our kids.

 

I do not have feelings for my ex. I left her and lost my feelings for her before my wife came into my life. I care about her in the way that she is the mother of my children, that's it.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if your ex would want sole custody of your kids, even I wouldn't want to let my children interact with your wife, too.

 

My ex doesn't know how my wife feels about her, really. They get along well enough that they can text about the kids, pictures, etc. and they can have conversations at pick up/drop off. Once my ex leaves, my wife does a 180 and makes her comments. My wife has said a couple rude things to her, but it's not a common thing.

 

Have you ever spoken to your wife about what she says about the mother of your children?

 

Oh yeah, every time my wife says something like that I ask her why she feels like that and tell her that I don't like when she says things like that. I just don't like that coming from her mouth, whether it's about my ex or someone else.

 

The thing is, when she is around my ex she gets along with her. She fakes the hell out of it, though. They have conversations, text pictures back and forth sometimes. My ex (understandably) doesn't like my wife but gets along with her for the kids. They will never be best friends. I pretty much left my ex at the alter.

 

How old is your wife, my guess is that her clock is ticking?

 

Are you really enough of a "prize", for your wife to give up her chance of having a family for?

Time will tell.

 

She's 35. So for a woman, time is ticking I suppose. We both agreed on no children, I really think she only wants one of her own to feel like she wins. I'm not having more, I went through the baby phase and I'm done.

 

My wife is jealous of my ex's lifestyle and career. My wife did the same amount of schooling but came out with a job that pays MUCH less. My ex has been noted in articles and newspapers, meanwhile my wife never has because there is no reason for her to have been with her job.

 

When I ask my wife if she has changed her mind and wants kids, she says sometimes but that she'd miss the freedom of only having kids half the time.

 

i personally don't think you made the "wrong choice" - your relationship with the ex clearly wasn't meant to be BUT i do think you have a huge problem you're not even aware of. you're overlooking something that would made most folks run for the hills.

 

I'm sure that I am, I just don't know what it is. She has said she doesn't really want kids, never has wanted her own. She likes my kids and treats them well. She enjoys the lifestyle of only having kids half the time, so I don't think she REALLY wants to take them away from my ex. In a perfect world, she has said my ex wouldn't be in the picture.

 

I know she is jealous of my ex's career and lifestyle, she thinks my ex is better because I chose her to have children with. I have said before, my ex was the right woman to mother my children, not to marry. So my wife thinks she isn't good enough to be a mother, even though that's not the case. My ex was born to be a mother, it all came so naturally to her.

 

So because my wife thinks my ex is better than her, she wants to change that. My ex has never had a good, faithful relationship. Every single one she has been cheated on. Maybe it's her, maybe it's who she chooses, I don't know. But my wife feeds off of that to make herself feel like she's better because she has a man who married her (I essentially left my ex at the alter). So as long as "no man wants her" she feels like she wins.

Edited August 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited quote

[minimariah]

I'm sure that I am, I just don't know what it is.

 

the wife is pathologically jealous; the real question is - what is the ROOT of that jealousy...? i doubt the ex is the problem; she's probably projecting deeper & complicated issues on the ex. when you REALLY start to think about it though... her motives aren't clear; does she genuinely likes the kids OR does she likes them ONLY because she wants to compete with the ex in who will treat & raise them better? maybe she only treats them nicely because she wants to paint the perfect picture family to the ex and show her what YOU TWO have... that you're now a beautiful family. MAYBE. when you start looking at her actions & behavior through the "jealous" filter - a lot of it looks questionable.

 

two options, really -- a. she has deeper problems & b. she just really sucks as a person. you'll figure out which it is.

[ShatteredLady]

The first thing you said was, "I have been married to my wife for 5 years - together for about 6. Basically... I was with engaged to another woman, met my wife and left so I could be with her."

 

You've back tracked on this but I'm assuming it's the truth. You had children, a family, planned a wedding & left your partner at the alter.

 

It's very rare that a man meets a new woman, emotional affair, then immediately leaves to be with her. How long was your affair before you left? Was there any back & forth? Basically I'm asking...How long did you play your mistress off against your ex?

 

Did you start your EA before you planned your wedding to your ex? Did your ex discover your EA? Is there any chance that your wife believes that your ex left you (after learning about your affair) so your wife "won" by default?

 

 

Sorry if I've got it wrong. I'm trying to think the best of your wife because the alternative is that she's simply & horrible, awful, 2 faced person who's desperately insecure & wishes misery on anyone more successful in any way.

[aileD]

This is why 75% of second marriages fail and 95% of marriages that started out as an affair end in divorce.

 

You married a woman who didn't care you were married when she decided to have an emotional affair with you, why do you expect her to care about your wonderful ex now? She wanted to win then. And she did. She wants to win now too. Awesome personality.

 

She didn't care about your kids then, and she doesn't care about them now (because she's want the best for them....and it's best for them to have a healthy and happy mom and a good relationship with both parents).

 

What is your age difference ? Is she much younger than you?

[hoellein]

The first thing you said was, "I have been married to my wife for 5 years - together for about 6. Basically... I was with engaged to another woman, met my wife and left so I could be with her."

 

You've back tracked on this but I'm assuming it's the truth. You had children, a family, planned a wedding & left your partner at the alter.

 

It's very rare that a man meets a new woman, emotional affair, then immediately leaves to be with her. How long was your affair before you left? Was there any back & forth? Basically I'm asking...How long did you play your mistress off against your ex?

 

Did you start your EA before you planned your wedding to your ex? Did your ex discover your EA? Is there any chance that your wife believes that your ex left you (after learning about your affair) so your wife "won" by default?

 

Sorry if I've got it wrong. I'm trying to think the best of your wife because the alternative is that she's simply & horrible, awful, 2 faced person who's desperately insecure & wishes misery on anyone more successful in any way.

 

I apologize if I've said anything confusing. I'm always exhausted when I type this out and I hate not being able to use names. I will call my ex Elizabeth (E for ex) and my wife Wendy (W for wife).

 

Basically what happened, long, long story short:

 

I met Elizabeth in college, we were just friends for years. We started dating in 2003. We had our first child in 2006 and our second in 2009. I proposed shortly after the second child was born because I thought it was the right thing to do but deep down wasn't happy. We were supposed to get married in 2010. I met Wendy after I got engaged to Elizabeth, and after I was feeling unsure. It started as just finding her a very attractive woman but never acting on it, progressed to talking to her which led to a lot of hang outs, deep conversations, etc, which led to feelings developing. This lasted on and off for a year. Wendy asked me to call of the wedding and be with her. I tried to back off and forget about her and my feelings for her. Wedding day came around and I knew I couldn't do it with the feelings I had for another woman. Before the wedding started I told Elizabeth I couldn't do it and we separated very shortly after. I began seeing Wendy more seriously, things progressed very quickly and we married a year later. I haven't had regrets.

 

My ex has never known the full details of my affair. I never physically cheated, as much as I wanted to, and I assured her of that. I told her that I met Wendy while we were engaged, but that is about it. To me, she didn't need to know all the details. My wife knows without a doubt that I left my ex. Long story short, she went to the venue the day of the wedding and say what went down.

 

This is why 75% of second marriages fail and 95% of marriages that started out as an affair end in divorce.

 

You married a woman who didn't care you were married when she decided to have an emotional affair with you, why do you expect her to care about your wonderful ex now? She wanted to win then. And she did. She wants to win now too. Awesome personality.

 

She didn't care about your kids then, and she doesn't care about them now (because she's want the best for them....and it's best for them to have a healthy and happy mom and a good relationship with both parents).

 

What is your age difference ? Is she much younger than you?

 

You're right. She wanted me to leave my ex when we were engaged (I never married my ex, left her the day of the wedding). She pushed hard to end the relationship. The emotional affair was on and off, which I controlled.

 

She does treat my kids well and my kids really like her, but you are right that if she REALLY cared about them she would want them to have a happy, healthy mom. My wife says their mom isn't competent, bad example, etc. as her reasoning/excuse.

 

My wife is 35, I'm 36 so not really a difference. My ex is younger than both of us.

Edited August 15, 2016 by hoellein

[road]

the wife is pathologically jealous; the real question is - what is the ROOT of that jealousy...? i doubt the ex is the problem; she's probably projecting deeper & complicated issues on the ex. when you REALLY start to think about it though... her motives aren't clear; does she genuinely likes the kids OR does she likes them ONLY because she wants to compete with the ex in who will treat & raise them better? maybe she only treats them nicely because she wants to paint the perfect picture family to the ex and show her what YOU TWO have... that you're now a beautiful family. MAYBE. when you start looking at her actions & behavior through the "jealous" filter - a lot of it looks questionable.

 

two options, really -- a. she has deeper problems & b. she just really sucks as a person. you'll figure out which it is.

 

c. a and b

 

 

d. all of the above

[William]

OK, that'll cover the name-calling. Let's get it back on track to the topic and stow the editorial and hyperbolic commentary. Thanks!

[aileD]

I apologize if I've said anything confusing. I'm always exhausted when I type this out and I hate not being able to use names. I will call my ex Elizabeth (E for ex) and my wife Wendy (W for wife).

 

Basically what happened, long, long story short:

 

I met Elizabeth in college, we were just friends for years. We started dating in 2003. We had our first child in 2006 and our second in 2009. I proposed shortly after the second child was born because I thought it was the right thing to do but deep down wasn't happy. We were supposed to get married in 2010. I met Wendy after I got engaged to Elizabeth, and after I was feeling unsure. It started as just finding her a very attractive woman but never acting on it, progressed to talking to her which led to a lot of hang outs, deep conversations, etc, which led to feelings developing. This lasted on and off for a year. Wendy asked me to call of the wedding and be with her. I tried to back off and forget about her and my feelings for her. Wedding day came around and I knew I couldn't do it with the feelings I had for another woman. Before the wedding started I told Elizabeth I couldn't do it and we separated very shortly after. I began seeing Wendy more seriously, things progressed very quickly and we married a year later. I haven't had regrets.

 

My ex has never known the full details of my affair. I never physically cheated, as much as I wanted to, and I assured her of that. I told her that I met Wendy while we were engaged, but that is about it. To me, she didn't need to know all the details. My wife knows without a doubt that I left my ex. Long story short, she went to the venue the day of the wedding and say what went down.

 

 

 

You're right. She wanted me to leave my ex when we were engaged (I never married my ex, left her the day of the wedding). She pushed hard to end the relationship. The emotional affair was on and off, which I controlled.

 

She does treat my kids well and my kids really like her, but you are right that if she REALLY cared about them she would want them to have a happy, healthy mom. My wife says their mom isn't competent, bad example, etc. as her reasoning/excuse.

 

My wife is 35, I'm 36 so not really a difference. My ex is younger than both of us.

 

Wendy is threatened by Elizabeth. She was threatened by her when you were having the emotional affair and even though she got you to marry her....she is still threatened by her because you will always have a connection with Elizabeth. That, and the fact that she knows you have the ability to cheat because that's how you landed Wendy. So Elizabeth is THE big threat because of your history and the fact she is in your life no matter what and Wendy can't control that.

 

I saw a quote today that said "when a toxic person can't control you anymore they will try to control the way people see you". That's what Wendy is doing to Elizabeth. It's the only defense she's got.

 

Google some articles about "when the affair partner becomes the wife"...you'll find many reasons why these relationships ultimately fail. If you want to keep your marriage, look at these reasons and see how you can overcome them.

 

Counseling is probably in order.

 

If Wendy felt secure in the marriage, she would not be acting this way. Especially when it seems like Elizabeth is indeed a good person and mom. Her behavior is just a symptom of something DEEPER that is wrong in your marriage and this is the way it's coming out.

 

You just need to find out what that is.

[elaine567]

Your wife is fighting for territory here, but she is on a very unsafe foundation.

She is not confidently in control, she is insecure in the face of a better and younger opponent, an innocent woman, the mother of your children...

She cannot beat her fairly and squarely so she has to do it by stealth, by waging a campaign of words that she hopes will turn you and your children against Elizabeth forever, and Elizabeth will be cast into the wilderness alone and unloved.

 

She stole you and your kids away from Elizabeth once, now she wants to seal the deal, as she realises she will never be Queen Bee as long as Elizabeth remains in both your and your children's lives.

Wendy will always be the OW, the home wrecker, the horrible woman who even went to the venue of the wedding to watch as Elizabeth's world came tumbling down... (as an aside, was that not a huge red flag?)

She is trying to rewrite history to cast herself in a good light and that will never be possible when the woman she wronged, is always there being the "better" person.

She has to vilify Elizabeth, rub the shine off her halo, so that she can feel better about herself.

 

As it is not really working, she has to become more extreme and more vocal in her condemnation.

She now realises she has to either become the centre of attention by having her own family, her own dynasty, or she has to "get rid" of Elizabeth and then take over the mother role completely.

I guess those are her goals.

Neither seem to be what you want, but ignore her at your peril.

 

Your wife is jealous and bitter. Frankly I think you should oversee her interactions with the kids and call her up on any direct or indirect criticisms of their mother in front of the kids.

Is she really as nice to the kids as she appears to be on the surface? She may be scape-goating one of them, especially if the child reminds her of Elizabeth, or she may not be as kind when your back is turned.

Investigate, do not assume anything, a woman who now apparently wants their mother to "die alone", may not be the best person to be alone with them for long periods of time.

Kids are very vulnerable, take things to heart and are like sponges emotionally, no matter how well they appear to be coping.

Conflicting messages from parents and parental figures, can make for very unstable adults. Be aware.

 

When the Other Woman Becomes the Wife is a very illuminating read.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Sorry if it's something you already clarified, but what do you mean by "deep down" she doesn't want kids? Does that mean she actually wants them but you don't want to believe her because you don't want any more? I think this point is crucial in determining whether her animosity toward your wife is fueled by passive aggressive resentment about the kid issue, or pure female competition.

 

If she wants kids of her own and that's non-negotiable for you, I don't see this relationship working.

[Anderlie]

If it were me I would shut that nonsense down before she even finished the sentence. Why are you even standing around to hear the rest of whatever terrible thought is spilling out of her mouth? Once you realise your wife is starting to say something rude about your ex you raise a hand, say 'stop! I will not listen to this' and walk away. She's saying these things because you are letting her get away with it. It wouldn't have been such a long standing and ongoing thing if you refused to give her an audience. Suggesting counselling and all that is good but the best course of action is to take charge, be a god-damned man and stop letting her badmouth the mother of your children to your face.