My wife wants my ex to "die alone" [update: Sleeping with ex fiancé]

[adna89]

I think you wife would get some mental disorder diagnosis if she ever went for investigation,i would be afraid to leave my kids with her...seriously she might harm them if she finds out you want to leave

[hoellein]

For the record... I don't, and never have, thought of my ex as a Broadmoor or whatever was suggested here. When we had kids, I thought she was the one. She was a great girlfriend. After our kids things changed, they always do, and we never got it back. I proposed because I thought I should and thought it would get better. It didn't get better and by the time I realized that we were knee deep and $30K into wedding plans. Trust me, I know leaving her at the wedding was terrible. It is something I will always feel bad about and always be harassed for by friends and family. I deserve that, I know. Fact is, I made a mistake that I have to live with. I say that she was the right woman to have kids with because she is an amazing mother, some women aren't. I'm glad she is their mother. Can you imagine if I had kids with this psycho?

 

I am getting everything ready to divorce my wife. I have a lawyer appointment tomorrow. I have another to see about getting her into treatment. This week is my week to get things done. My wife is still here, I'm not doing anything until all my ducks are in a row. She knows nothing and I ordered a recording device that should be here Monday.

 

I talked to my ex and my kids are going to stay there until I get this sorted out. I didn't tell her all of the details, only that I'm divorcing my wife and it may get messy. I will tell her what my wife has been doing, but not when my kids are present. She needs to know but it's not details.my kids need to hear.

 

Talking to my ex now felt a lot different. I don't know. Not a bad different, just different. Like there was still feelings there, but there isn't.

[BlueIris]

...

I talked to my ex and my kids are going to stay there until I get this sorted out. I didn't tell her all of the details, only that I'm divorcing my wife and it may get messy. I will tell her what my wife has been doing, but not when my kids are present. She needs to know but it's not details.my kids need to hear....

 

That's good.

[dpass]

Talking to my ex now felt a lot different. I don't know. Not a bad different, just different. Like there was still feelings there, but there isn't.

 

Because you realize that you traded a sane person for a basket case. Anyone with half a brain would prefer your ex over your wife. Regardless, leave her alone. Don't go getting feelings for her again. Don't **** with her. You lost her. And to be honest, don't deserve her.

[whichwayisup]

Because you realize that you traded a sane person for a basket case. Anyone with half a brain would prefer your ex over your wife. Regardless, leave her alone. Don't go getting feelings for her again. Don't **** with her. You lost her. And to be honest, don't deserve her.

 

I agree with this. You and your ex can be the BEST co parents to your children by being friends and having a genuine respect for each other as mom and dad. Don't even consider opening that door and reconnecting on an intimate level. Let the past be in the past. Plus, your kids have been through enough, they don't need to get their hopes up. Keep it simple and focus on parenting. You need support and someone to talk to? Pick your best buddy or another family member that you can talk to, not your ex wife.

[sandylee1]

Well I am truly gobsmacked at the lengths your psycho wife has gone to in a bid to hurt and humiliate your Ex. It's not often I'm lost for words, but I'm just stunned about her evilness.

 

Most OW go crazy when they don't get their man. .... not her though. She's gone crazy after marrying you. WITH.

 

I commented earlier in your thread and I recently wondered what happened to you actually.

 

As you know, you're married to a real crazy, vindictive and dangerous woman. Her goal in life is to see your Ex in misery. Do you realise that all those hurtful comments from your wife, posing as prospective dates could have led her to seriously harm herself or worse. Then your children would have been without a mother, which would no doubt have been like a lottery win to your wife.

 

Good luck with the divorce. You have enabled her for too long. A lot of men who leave their wives forthe OW, live in misery to prove the OW was 'the one' and was worth leaving for, because they need to showthe devastation was for "true love'.

 

A restraining order is certainly in order and please tell your Ex everything your wife has done. She deserves to know what she's dealing with.

[LexiCat29]

Please don't get back together with your ex...she's been hurt enough...

[anika99]

Please don't get back together with your ex...she's been hurt enough...

 

Agreed. You only think you have some feelings for your ex because you are ending your marriage and you are looking for comfort and emotional safety. If you reconnect with your ex the chances of your leaving her again are very high and she doesn't deserve to have her heart broken by you again.

[dpass]

Agreed. You only think you have some feelings for your ex because you are ending your marriage and you are looking for comfort and emotional safety. If you reconnect with your ex the chances of your leaving her again are very high and she doesn't deserve to have her heart broken by you again.

 

The crappy thing is, I bet the ex would go for it. They've been separated for 6 years, she's had a few relationships all of which ended in cheating, then she had the recent shenanigans of the current-wife trolling her. It was what, 16 profiles made? After a couple dozen no-shows, predated by serial cheaters and followed by a total asshat, she'd think something is seriously wrong with her. Probably thinking that is her only option, which is sad.

 

Unless of course he tells her everything the wife has done. But I can see him withholding that information and using it to his advantage.

[hoellein]

I have been separated from my ex fiancé for 6 years. I just filed for divorce with my wife and went over to talk to my ex about some things related to our kids. She was upset because I essentially threw away our relationship, wedding and family for the OW, for nothing. All the hurt I caused, was for nothing. She was cuddling into me crying and when she calmed down I kissed her. One thing lead to another and we had sex, last night. The familiarity of it made it so easy, like riding a bike. She hasn't changed at all.

 

The issue is that I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not divorced yet and lord knows it won't be an easy battle, the estimation is 7-9 months if things go well. I don't want our kids to have any suspicions and get their hopes up. I don't want my ex to get hurt.

 

When we had sex she was clinging onto me for dear life. It actually hurt how tight she was holding me. She wanted me to stay after and cried when I said I couldn't. I ended up staying. I don't know where I stand with her and need time to figure it out. She was always the one I was suppose to be with, but has that path permanently closed... I don't know. She seems like she is ready to run down that path without looking back. She asked me to come over again tonight and I said I would but immediately regretted it. She wants to do Christmas as a family, with us and our kids (but not tell the kids anything other than I'm coming over for Christmas morning). It's a lot, really fast.

 

A couple years ago we had an issue of her wanting to get back together and really hoping for it. I had to take a huge step back. We only talked if it was something very important about the kids, even on exchanges. She has dated since we broke up, she had two long term relationships that failed (they cheated on her) but I still have felt like she is waiting around for me to come back. Maybe that's all in my head but it's the fibe I got.

 

There is still the issue of, we didn't work out the first time. I don't even really know why because everything was there for a good relationship, it just wasn't working. After we had our kids the romance was gone and we couldn't (or wouldn't) get it back. She kept telling me that she needed me to be more romantic and I dismissed it. Our sex life was down the toilet. Her personality is... She's extremely caring, nice, thoughtful, respectful, affectionate. She lets people walk all over her. She's very emotional and gets hurt easily. She is the mothering/nurturing type and would wait on someone hand and foot. A people pleaser. She never wanted gifts but loved giving them. She'd be at home making a home cooked meal rather than out with friends. Really early on in our relationship I thought I knew that she was the one I'd marry, and I almost did. There was no chemistry. I was never excited to go home to her (I wasn't not excited either). I never had those "I want to rip your clothes off and F you right now" feelings. She's pretty but isn't the sexy type and has no idea how to be. There was no, crazy hot sex with her. The sex was okay. She has been cheated on in every relationship she has had.

 

Does this ever work out? I don't want to hurt her again. She's at the point where she doesn't think anyone will want to be with her. If we try and it doesn't work out she gets hurt, again.

[BluesPower]

If you love her be with her. But if you don't man, please don't.

 

You know that you have issues right? But it sounds like it is time to grow up.

 

It also, in a way, sounds like you don't think you deserve such a loving, caring woman. Could that be it?

 

Listen, I have hurt women before, not on purpose, but it does not make it easier when you realize that you have ripped out someone's heart. It takes a really horrible person to do that and not at some point have feelings about it.

 

I have a women right now that loves me more than I have a right to be loved. It scares me frankly. But when she looks at me, or touches me, or makes love to me, it fills me with peace inside. It feels like love leaves her and comes into me.

 

It is hard to be around her sometimes and feel how much she loves me. I don't think that I deserve a woman that would love me like that, but at the same time I yearn for it. I also don't know if I love her as much as I should. I think I have been hurt so much over time that I may never really be able to love any woman the way I should, maybe that will change.

 

I don't really know how to advise you, but I think that we all deserve to be loved.

 

What is do know is this: Don't hurt her. If you love her, then love her. And let her love you, whether you think you deserve it or not.

[elaine567]

I don't want to hurt her again.

 

YOU just did.

STOP sleeping with her.

 

This is a very messed up situation, she needs therapy, the last thing she needs is YOU back in her life and for YOU to dump her AGAIN.

 

She's at the point where she doesn't think anyone will want to be with her.

Who's fault is that? Yours for dumping her at the altar, then marrying your pathologically jealous, mad OW and then the OW/now wife doing her utmost to ruin your ex's mental health.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/591345-my-wife-wants-my-ex-die-alone-update-my-wife-certifiably-insane#post7014218

[Brieanna]

My guess is that part of what Wendy found attractive about you is the competition of taking you from this Elizabeth and winning.

 

Could be that she is reliving this competition via any means she can as it is STILL part of her attraction to you and a necessary "function"/dynamic to her connection to you... Cause "she got you" and wants to keep "getting" you so creates some fictitious competition to exist to get this drive met.

 

Part of what she liked about you is you were not completely avaialable/accessable, so she is in effect, maintaining you still a bit unavailable via Elizabeth having a piece of you she cannot.

 

Simply....

She won, but is conflicted with if she really did win, and if she can continue winning... Cause this is (a component of) HER initial attraction, and also current one. (So I don't think challenging her on not expressing it will alter her internal drive for it.)

 

Kinda would warm my heart more to have a guy love and want me without needing a drive to "win" me be part of it.

Feels a bit like being objectified.

[dpass]

Have you told your ex what your wife has done to try and sabotage your her?

 

You say you don't want to hurt your ex, but you already have, have been for the last 6 years, and you just did again. Lord knows why, but you know she wants to get back together with you. Don't go giving her false hope. You shouldn't be anywhere near her.

 

She cried and begged you to stay after sex, that's not someone who thought it was just a hook up. She wants you to come home. Don't devastate her again. This is already going to rip her heart out, it'll get worse the longer you drag it on. Frankly, I don't think she can handle another heartbreak from you.

[health]

You've got to sort out your divorce first. You essentially cheated on your fiance originally. Now because you're needy your using her.

 

I'd say you should be single for a year and get sorted out.

 

You ultimately choose what direction this will go in. Good luck.

[Jersey born raised]

Why have you not warned her? Are you trying to get your own spot on snapped? Poor guy, crazed wife murders his ex and children?

 

Words of regret and remorse are easy, actions are not so easy. You are in your forties, when will you become an adult.

 

The only thing I am commenting on is your failure to warn your ex and protect your children.

[Satu]

snip

*I don't want to hurt her again. She's at the point where she doesn't think anyone will want to be with her. If we try and it doesn't work out she gets hurt, again.

 

*Maybe you don't, but you will.

 

Spend some time on your own, sorting yourself out before you get involved with anyone.

 

 

Take care.

Edited December 18, 2016 by Satu

[Midwestmissy]

No doubt this is an extreme and cruel situation. Mine was less so, but the m/cow used the word "win" often with my Wh, in her diarrhea of emails. Which was so weird to me. How can you view yourself as the winner in a contest the other party isn't even aware is happening? I was oblivious - I just thought I was married, period. But the married ow felt the need to win. What, I'm not sure.

 

When I announced the affair to everyone, and told my wh he was free to go, the "win" didn't seem so - attractive. But she continued to proposition him which was so odd. Sheseemed obsessed with winning, but I don't know what she wanted - her job, her husband, her family, my husband, my family, my life - my take was she wasn't going to ever be happy, she just kept running from what was in front of her.

 

Wendy sounds like a bunny boiling train wreck, I'm so sorry to say. To wish harm on someone else who has never harmed you is messed. I hate the ow, but to wish her harm is to harm her innocent kids, who don't deserve to pay for her bad choices. I lashed out at her bh in early days, but it's all dissipated now. That Wendy is still so obsessed is frankly terrifying. Time eases this stuff, especially if Wendy claims to care about your kids. Run the eff away.

[karlw78]

The one thing about her is that you will always have a tie with her because of the children but in the mean time it may be best to not sleep with her as this seems to get her hopes up.

 

I would say to chat with her about "that night" as you cannot escape it and will probably be an elephant in the room every time you see her. It is a tough one but it seems like you are not 100% in love with her but you do care about her a lot. Best not to sleep with her again until you are really sure about your feelings.

[benpom]

For the record... I don't, and never have, thought of my ex as a Broadmoor or whatever was suggested here. When we had kids, I thought she was the one. She was a great girlfriend. After our kids things changed, they always do, and we never got it back. I proposed because I thought I should and thought it would get better. It didn't get better and by the time I realized that we were knee deep and $30K into wedding plans. Trust me, I know leaving her at the wedding was terrible. It is something I will always feel bad about and always be harassed for by friends and family. I deserve that, I know. Fact is, I made a mistake that I have to live with. I say that she was the right woman to have kids with because she is an amazing mother, some women aren't. I'm glad she is their mother. Can you imagine if I had kids with this psycho?

 

I am getting everything ready to divorce my wife. I have a lawyer appointment tomorrow. I have another to see about getting her into treatment. This week is my week to get things done. My wife is still here, I'm not doing anything until all my ducks are in a row. She knows nothing and I ordered a recording device that should be here Monday.

 

I talked to my ex and my kids are going to stay there until I get this sorted out. I didn't tell her all of the details, only that I'm divorcing my wife and it may get messy. I will tell her what my wife has been doing, but not when my kids are present. She needs to know but it's not details.my kids need to hear.

 

Talking to my ex now felt a lot different. I don't know. Not a bad different, just different. Like there was still feelings there, but there isn't.

 

When she is nice to this level, she becomes the invisible oxygen. You feel comfortable, but not excited.

 

She lacks confidence and does not put up boundaries. That's why she is being stepped over by multiple people.

[bluefeather]

I think you both need to work on yourselves as individuals (maybe some kind of therapy). She is using you for hope and you are using her for comfort. Stop it please for her sake. She deserves better than that.

[amomwhoknows]

I think you both need to work on yourselves as individuals (maybe some kind of therapy). She is using you for hope and you are using her for comfort. Stop it please for her sake. She deserves better than that.

 

Given how young you were when you got together, I am thinking that her experiences with men cheating started with you literally leaving her at the alter. You likely destroyed her confidence. Destroyed.

 

And any work she was doing to improve the situation has been undoubtedly undone by your wife.

 

I hope by now you have told your EX what your wife has been doing. You owe her that much. If you aren't brave enough to do it alone, please arrange to let her know in the presence of a therapist. She needs this information in order to move forward in her life.

 

Your wife is deranged and dangerous. I hope you have shared all this evidence with your attorney. You need to be able to divorce quickly.

[S2B]

I have been separated from my ex fiancé for 6 years. I just filed for divorce with my wife and went over to talk to my ex about some things related to our kids. She was upset because I essentially threw away our relationship, wedding and family for the OW, for nothing. All the hurt I caused, was for nothing. She was cuddling into me crying and when she calmed down I kissed her. One thing lead to another and we had sex, last night. The familiarity of it made it so easy, like riding a bike. She hasn't changed at all.

 

The issue is that I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not divorced yet and lord knows it won't be an easy battle, the estimation is 7-9 months if things go well. I don't want our kids to have any suspicions and get their hopes up. I don't want my ex to get hurt.

 

When we had sex she was clinging onto me for dear life. It actually hurt how tight she was holding me. She wanted me to stay after and cried when I said I couldn't. I ended up staying. I don't know where I stand with her and need time to figure it out. She was always the one I was suppose to be with, but has that path permanently closed... I don't know. She seems like she is ready to run down that path without looking back. She asked me to come over again tonight and I said I would but immediately regretted it. She wants to do Christmas as a family, with us and our kids (but not tell the kids anything other than I'm coming over for Christmas morning). It's a lot, really fast.

 

A couple years ago we had an issue of her wanting to get back together and really hoping for it. I had to take a huge step back. We only talked if it was something very important about the kids, even on exchanges. She has dated since we broke up, she had two long term relationships that failed (they cheated on her) but I still have felt like she is waiting around for me to come back. Maybe that's all in my head but it's the fibe I got.

 

There is still the issue of, we didn't work out the first time. I don't even really know why because everything was there for a good relationship, it just wasn't working. After we had our kids the romance was gone and we couldn't (or wouldn't) get it back. She kept telling me that she needed me to be more romantic and I dismissed it. Our sex life was down the toilet. Her personality is... She's extremely caring, nice, thoughtful, respectful, affectionate. She lets people walk all over her. She's very emotional and gets hurt easily. She is the mothering/nurturing type and would wait on someone hand and foot. A people pleaser. She never wanted gifts but loved giving them. She'd be at home making a home cooked meal rather than out with friends. Really early on in our relationship I thought I knew that she was the one I'd marry, and I almost did. There was no chemistry. I was never excited to go home to her (I wasn't not excited either). I never had those "I want to rip your clothes off and F you right now" feelings. She's pretty but isn't the sexy type and has no idea how to be. There was no, crazy hot sex with her. The sex was okay. She has been cheated on in every relationship she has had.

 

Does this ever work out? I don't want to hurt her again. She's at the point where she doesn't think anyone will want to be with her. If we try and it doesn't work out she gets hurt, again.

 

Ah geez, you really like to complicate your life,right?

 

Just stay away from ALL women. Figure your problems out -YOU have a LOT of work to do on yourself and you need to quit making life more difficult...for yourself and for the women in your life.

 

Just stay away from women. There's nothing positive to offer them right now.

 

Get divorced. Leave the ex alone - she's already been subjected to so much harm because of you.

[aileD]

Have you always jumped gem on relationship to the next with no break in between?

 

You should try it. You need time to process your own stuff and the ending of your marriage before you can make huge decisions.

[anika99]

OH great, so now you're a serial cheater on top of everything else. You cheated on your ex with your now wife, and now you've cheated on your wife with your ex. You have said nothing about your ex that indicates that you love her or want to be with her. You just used her to make yourself feel better. Looks like you're the type who can't be on his own for 5 minutes.

 

Seriously the best thing for you would be a couple of years of being absolutely single.