So he moved on...[UPDATE 2017]

[QueenDafine]

 

 

You take time out. Spend time with friends build your life up, do the things you enjoy doing, challenge yourself and look after yourself. Then when you are not feeling anything towards them any more you go out and start to date again.

 

Don't worry, I've been doing exactly that. I'm still thinking of him everyday. Haven't had proper time to grieve the loss of our relationship, and then to see he's with someone else is difficult. I just don't like the though of this taking such a long time to get over but thanks for your advice.

Edited August 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Omei]

No judgment some of us have been there hook ups after devastating breakups it's cool its normal you're now a single woman you may have casual sex as you please just remember to use protection

 

Try and start looking at this relationship for as short as it was you were already having troubles and breakups and he moved on so quickly it seems to me he was ready for the breakup and to move on even tho you were the one to do it. He does not seem devastated by it ending.

 

You can cry,eat,sleep do whatever you need stick close to family and friends

 

I promise you this will not be the relationship you think of for the next 10 years you're going to meet someone special someone who if you dumped them would be as devisated as you are right now, someone you'll spend over 5 years with if not more and you'll think back to this 1 yr relationship and see it for how fleeting it was.

[longjohn]

So you left your boyfriend, he begged you not to leave but you did anyway over something small. Your short term strategy was to wait for him to come to you. Assuming the guy is heartbroken your shocked he wanted to rub it in when he found someone else. Now your "heartbroken" he's moved swiftly along and three other random guys later hasn't filled the hole (no pun intended) you made.

 

I hate being blunt but your either really young and if so let this be a life lesson. if your not your being foolish. You have to think things through really carefully before you pull the plug on a relationship. Every relationship I've ended was a final decision because we'd reached the end. Never use ending a relationship as a tactic to get an apology or control the other person because it'll eventually explode in your face.

Edited August 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

[NIGHT1985]

Let this be a lesson learned. And I really hope you're using condoms at least. I really don't judge, I went out and had tons of hooks up after my break up, but it doesn't help me.( it does seems to help some people).

[Amelie1980]

go out.

have fun.

see friends

take a new hobby.

buy some new clothes.

worry about yourself.

 

If I could only figure out how to do that.

[Versacehottie]

You are doing the right thing to hang out with your friends. When you are with your friends, try not to talk about your ex--that just prolongs things and stirs up emotions about him. Try to schedule most of your time. Even "schedule" time where you do something relaxing alone (read magazines, look at websites online, watch a movie or tv show). Be kind to yourself, like baby yourself a bit--if you want to switch up whatever you have scheduled just do it. If going out with your friends on a certain night is going to make you feel worse don't do it (within reason). If you are out and it "becomes" one of those nights when you are just not up to it, then excuse yourself and go home.

 

Make sure your time with friends is about laughing, girl kind of stuff and not primarily about guys or in nights out situations. You will really appreciate just hanging out with your gf's. Exercise/workout/do physical activity regularly. No better time to get a revenge body and channel your energy into yourself (about all things). Pick up a hobby or re-engage with an old one. Be kind to yourself that sometimes what it takes it simply time to feel better. You could keep doing tinder for some male attention--just realize there are some days when putting yourself in those situations will make you feel a lot better and there are days where it will actually make you miss your ex more (because whoever you are getting attention from is not him) so use caution with how you use this as a tool for yourself. Sometimes I think blatant flirting without following through on anything does the trick better than hooking up. Also don't stalk his (or hers) social media--that will just make you feel worse. Good luck

[Toodaloo]

 

Don't worry, I've been doing exactly that. I'm still thinking of him everyday. Haven't had proper time to grieve the loss of our relationship, and then to see he's with someone else is difficult. I just don't like the though of this taking such a long time to get over but thanks for your advice.

 

Well thats fine. Just keep what you are doing. I suggest that you remove him from social media etc and quit allowing yourself to wallow in self pity looking over pictures and listening to stories about him and his ex. All of that only makes it harder. You have to put the past behind you and step forward to the future. Time is precious, don't waste it pinning over some bloke that you would probably have split up with anyway. Tell your mutual acquaintances that he is Voldermort to you and you just do not want to hear it *even if you secretly do because you want to be nosey*.

 

By the way I also think hook ups are fine if you are into that but for pities sake "own" your actions and emotions!

 

Instead of taking the attitude of "oh he has run off with another woman before the bed was cold" think to yourself "well things were not great so just as well pull up my socks and get on with it, gosh this hurts but I am worth while and going to treat myself as such and ooooohhhh look ice cream with chocolate sprinkles and the new cross fit whatsit thing is out - yay!". Keep thinking that way and pretty soon you will not be thinking about him at all... Just Baskin Robbins and Nike trainers...

 

Hook up's may be worth a try to get it out of your system but personally I don't think they work. At least they never have for me and never went very far. An illicit snog and that is about it. Pathetic I know but ho hum.

Edited August 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
clean-up~T

[Lorenza]

What I do to get over a breakup is a bit more realistic than "go out, have fun, meet friend and blablabla!". I cuddle up in my bed, cry for hours and watch movies. Until I get tired of looking and feeling like shyt. Then I might crawl out of bed and face the world. Then come back home and cry in my bed again. And so on. Until it starts getting easier to face the world and the weeping sessions are more and more rare.

 

People who are able to just go out and be themselves right after the breakup make me question if they are even human It's perfectly ok to let yourself feel like complete mess for a while and even more ok to NOT want to go and have fun.

[smudge21]

I'd be keen to know why you dumped him, as it's clear you weren't doing it with the intention of leaving him for good. As others said, your attitude now indicates you may have been hoping to use the dump as a way to get him wanting you more. I just think that you need to look deep into this more, the reasons you ended this relationship, and maybe then you can start to understand yourself and what you really want - why you're still so addicted to someone who you chose to walk away from. Maybe you feared the long term serious relationship title and that fear made you walk away, but once it was gone, you missed it. Sadly if you still have that fear, then it means history could repeat itself. Of course it may not be that, but I just think you need to think about how you felt when you decided to walk and why.

 

As for him - well dumpees will often either retreat into their shell and take a long time to heal, or go out and do whatever they can to get over someone. The fact is though, you made this situation. It was your call and he never wanted you to go. You can't judge or try to understand his thinking now as you turned your back on him. Try to understand why and maybe you can let go and look forward to something better.

[Toodaloo]

What I do to get over a breakup is a bit more realistic than "go out, have fun, meet friend and blablabla!". I cuddle up in my bed, cry for hours and watch movies. Until I get tired of looking and feeling like shyt. Then I might crawl out of bed and face the world. Then come back home and cry in my bed again. And so on. Until it starts getting easier to face the world and the weeping sessions are more and more rare.

 

People who are able to just go out and be themselves right after the breakup make me question if they are even human It's perfectly ok to let yourself feel like complete mess for a while and even more ok to NOT want to go and have fun.

 

Its OK to not want to go out and have fun as long as you don't let that get to wallowing stage...

 

Wallowing is not healthy or productive. As long as you have a healthy mix of the two and it steers more towards being positive each day thats fine.

[stillafool]

He told me he moved on and he thought I would find someone better anyway; he wanted me to move on and find someone else.

 

 

 

This is very final. It is time for you to let go and give up hope of reconciliation. It is probably too soon to start dating other people and especially getting physical with them. You should be concentrating on exercise, eating well and socializing with your friends, (not strange men) for support. Hooking up with strangers is going to make you feel empty and incredibly sad.

[Redhead14]

tons of positive self talk, focusing on your needs, allowing yourself to grieve in little bits and not overwhelm yourself with dwelling. Keeping busy with projects. Buy yourself something you've always wanted, spruce up, change environment in house or apartment like buy new curtains, new knick knacks and replace some (pack up old and swap out once in a while), new pictures. Rearrange the furniture.

 

But the best way, IMO, is to sit yourself down and tell yourself that you need to accept the reality of the situation and that you'd rather be happy and move forward than waste that time being miserable and carrying around anger, hurt,confusion like an albatross around your neck.

[preraph]

Don't do hookups if they leave you feeling empty later. But do go do activities you enjoy and go out with friends and put all this on your weekly schedule to assure that you stay too busy to be focused on him. Making new memories and making sure life moves forward by staying busy and having fun is key. Travel a little if you can. Good luck.

[springy]

Complete and total no contact - no social media, no texting, no asking people about him, telling folks you don't want updates, etc. Cold turkey. I was pretty hardcore about it.

 

I was with other people as much as possible and kept busy. I did most of my crying at night, in the mornings and randomly lol (but was pretty good at keeping the tears to myself after that first week).

 

Work was a life saver for me; sitting in the house feeling sad and pitiful was a horrible feeling TO ME, and I had to deal with enough of that at night when I was all alone with my thoughts. I actually looked forward to going to work because it meant I would be around people, be busy and not sit around thinking about him all day. Did I shed tears throughout the day periodically? Yes, of course...but I can only imagine the shape I would have been in had I stayed home, even for a day! But, as always, different strokes for different folks. Not knocking any one else's coping mechanism.

 

Fill your time with healthy distractions and force yourself not to sit on those thoughts for too long. You have plenty of time to work through those emotions during downtime when work is over and friends/family are unavailable. Write out your thoughts and feelings if you find that helpful. Put his stuff in a box or somewhere out of sight until you are strong enough to dump it (if you choose to).

 

There also comes a time when you have talked it to death with just about anyone who will listen and it's time to stop doing that. So put a deadline on that sort of activity; your friends may do it for you, because they will surely tire of hearing about it over and over again (I know mine did! ).

 

If it doesn't get any better and you still need to vent find a counselor or minister or someone of that sort, who can offer some additional ideas for getting past ruminating and moving forward. Eventually it will boil down to managing your thoughts. That's the hardest part of the process! the Good luck.

[jen1447]

Dafine, do sth creative. It's a challenge but it helps.

Save

Edited August 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[aj2124]

I know what you're talking about as far as trying to fix the problem with hook-ups. No matter how much attention you receive or how many physical relationships you have, it doesn't make a dent. There's a temporary ego boost but that's it. And that's not really worth it, in my opinion. The only reason you would not be able to get over the break-up is if you chose not to get over it. There is nothing magical that will keep you from moving on, if that is what you want to do. In order to heal, you need to be willing to face your pain without numbing yourself with distractions. And the only way I've found to do that is through my faith in God and recognizing that my longing for a relationship goes far beyond a specific person.

[Captivating]

Hi,

 

You need to clarify in your mind what you want and go for it.

The breakup was your decision, so if you regret it, it's your job to reach out

telling him that it was stupid and regret it from the bottom of your heart etc.

With most guys this is a pride issue, so he just reached for whoever was available around him, to ease his pain, he was probably devastated that you broke up with him. He rubbed it in to save face.

Silly stuff

Do you really love this guy OR it bothers your ego that he started dating someone?

It's important to know, be respectful with others' feelings.

 

(also, i don't think that he would want to hear you hooking up with 3 guys and having a tinder account, maybe cancel it)

[QueenDafine]

Me and my ex have been broken up for almost two months, though I was never really over the break up and had come to terms with it until 2 weeks ago when I found out he had found a new girlfriend 2 weeks after we broke up. This really hurt me, and I cried for a straight two days, but my friends did a great job at helping me get through it.

 

After three days I was getting better and now it's been two weeks since I found out and I've surprisingly gotten ALOT better. Those feelings of wanting him back are gone out the window and I have no desire to be with him again. I deleted every trace of him from my profiles. But he still hasn't.

 

When he told me he sounded genuinely happy and content with this new girl ], and let me tell you, he definitely rubbed it in which hurt even more. So about 30 minutes ago he texted me, saying it's not about "us" but about life. He's having troubles with his family. First, boy there's no us, second I don't know why he isn't talking about this with his new girlfriend and I find it a bit disrespectful to her as I wouldn't be comfortable with this at all if I was her. I haven't yet replied and although I agreed we could still be friends, what I really meant was that we'd be only friendly terms, but we would not be "friends".

 

I do not want to fall into any deep feelings for him I had before, it's taken me two weeks to partially dig them under and away from me but I'm angry and frustrated he has texted me about personal problems we would always discuss in a relationship.

 

He has plenty of friends and a girlfriend to share his concerns with and I think he's doing this on purpose, seeing that I've already moved on. I feel like he wants to keep me in his control (he's like this) and have his cake and eat it too.

 

When I got the texts I just groaned and wanted to throw my phone away, I don't want to reply at all and I'm not interested, BUT he was an important part of my life and it's not in my nature to leave someone who's seeking help from me no matter who it is.

 

I'm, not sure what to do, and I don't want to make a wrong decision here. I think I can handle it, but I don't want to make moving on even harder as I've already come this far.

 

Thoughts??

[Zippy2000]

"Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech."

 

 

Im not clear on your message but if you are saying he contacted you saying he has a new partner. Thats dis-respectful for you.

 

 

I d ignore the text as he wants a reaction. With ex`s Ive always been respectful of what they want. I can talk to call my ex`s on a mature level as friends only but I do have some friends who NEVER talk to their ex`s. It just brings back old hard feelings on why they broke up.

 

 

Id ignore the message and keep busy with your life. New friend, new hobbies, new places to visit and new possibilities. leave him behind.

 

 

Theres a reason why he didnt make it to your future.

 

 

Good luck

[TXGuy]

One option is to ignore him completely.

 

Another option is to wait until he texts again (and he will) and reply 'what I meant by "friends" is that we should be civil if we run into each other at the grocery store.'

[Toodaloo]

One option is to ignore him completely.

 

Another option is to wait until he texts again (and he will) and reply 'what I meant by "friends" is that we should be civil if we run into each other at the grocery store.'

 

I like this one... I am going to store that for later use.

[QueenDafine]

Five months ago I broke up with my long distance ex after being together for a year and a half. It was a very messy breakup but basically, it was because he was beginning to neglect our relationship by prioritising drinking almost every night, out with his friends and just becoming too comfortable and not making any effort. We'd go weeks with only texting and no calls, etc.

 

Needless to say he begged me to stay and that he'd change but if heard this all one hundred times before. For the next five months we both saw different people, though he was always in the back of my mind and I literally could not get rid of him and 100% move on. Because 1, his mum and sister would constantly message me every week about how I was doing, sometimes mentioning my breakup with my ex, offering to fly me over to work things out, etc. 2, Some of my friends who live in his town would usually come to me all the time talking about what my ex would say about me, and 3, My ex would message me almost every 2 - 3 weeks.

 

He'd just casually ask me about how I was doing, or he'd say something about how his day was, or he'd come to me woth a problem. In a sense I still love/d and care/d about him so I wanted to keep things on a good note. So a month ago something terrible happened in my family, and, going back to my old ways I told him all about everything and he was there for me, and supported me.

 

Since then we've talked every day and things have been very confusing. We've both made t clear that if it wasn't for the distance we would be together right now, and I know for a fact that if it wasn't for the distance, we also would have never broken up.

 

I guess I'm just extremely confused on what to do.. he also sends me mixed signals as well. I was supposed to fly back to his town to see some of my friends late january but I can't because something came up. He was looking forward to me coming and was so miserable when I said I couldn't come, and since then he's been distant which leads me to believe that maybe he's been showing he wants me back just because there was a possibility that I'd see him again soon.

 

In my mind I know that nothing will be official between us until we see each other again, and I know for a fact that won't be for at least 9 or 10 months. That length of time I'm not willing to wait around for him, making it a commitment to stay in contact regularly (every day) and risk wasting my time or getting hurt in the end. I absolutelt love this man more than anything and I can honestly see a future with him, it's just that I've come to realize a relationship like ours was very damaging to my mental and emotional wellbeing at the time and I wouldn't want to go back down that path again.

 

I'm confused about where we're going with things now, as I know that he would agree that he wouldn't be able to stay like this for the next 10 or so months till we see eachother. I feel as if we just suddenly stopped talking for a few months, I know I myself, would begin to move on and leave him alone. It's only the fact that he kept messaging me for five months that kept me hung up on him.

 

If we continued as it is now, not official but in the talking stage as it is, I'm sure my insecurities and trust issues I had in the first place with us will just return again. He also seems to like the idea of us not being together, but still having me there somewhere. If I were to propose to stop talking, he would maybe agree but only with the catch that he'd check up on me every few weeks to make sure he'd be there somewhere in the back of my mind to remind me of my feelings.

 

I love and care for this man so much, and nothing hurts more than losing your best friend and your lover over something so simple as distance, which should never be a problem couples should have to deal with. Should I take a risk and carry on the path that were going on right now, and risk getting hurt and wasting my time? should I talk to him about what we're wanting for the future? Or should I accept my doubts and tell him we should leave things for a few months until we see eachother, but also risk ruining any mutual feelings and perhaps getting into a new relationship? Or, should I leave things completely woth the fact that distance will always be a problem between us and save myself all this ****?

 

I'm so lost right now on what to do. All I know is that I love him and I want him so badly to be in my life again. So should I wait those few months until we can see eachother again, or should I keep this going with the risks involved?

 

Please ask questions if you don't understand something because I really need some advice on this, thanks guys!

[TennisGal]

A few questions. How far apart are you, geographically speaking? How much time have you actually spent together in person? If you can't go to his town, can he come to yours? Has he ever come to yours? If not, why not? What prevents the two of you seeing one another for the next 9 to 10 months? What are the prospects of you two living in the same town and when? And if the chances are low, why pursue a relationship?

[QueenDafine]

A few questions. How far apart are you, geographically speaking? How much time have you actually spent together in person? If you can't go to his town, can he come to yours? Has he ever come to yours? If not, why not? What prevents the two of you seeing one another for the next 9 to 10 months? What are the prospects of you two living in the same town and when? And if the chances are low, why pursue a relationship?

 

He lives in New Zealand at the moment, and I live in Australia, so a four hour flight. In person, over the course of two years we spent about a month together in total which meant we had to put alot of effort into keeping constant contact. Work commitments and college is making it virtually impossible to see eachother for months to come. There is a chance that I may be moving back to new zealand at the start of next year.. and the reason why I'm still pursuing something is because I see a future with him and I love him, I'm just not sure what to do about it regarding the situation we're in

[QueenDafine]

Sorry in advance for such a long post!

 

Me and my ex have been talking for 2 months since we broke up about 8 months ago. He lives 9 hours away - so we had a long distance relationship, which was a real struggle.

 

Since we started talking again he's told me alot of things - that he still loves me, he's been lost with his life and depressed since we broke up, he would leave anywhere to fix things between us and he couldn't imagine being without me. After we broke up he would constantly message me about how he was messing up his life, and even though i tried to move on His mum and sister would message me allll the time as well about us and the breakup.

 

*Recently, when we were talking before he made plans to pack everything up and leave to live in my city. He's moving in a MONTH. I asked when he made the decision and he said New years. I remember that same day we were talking about moving, and he said he told his family he was moving away to where I lived and he promised he was going to bring me back. At the time I thought he was just joking but obviously he wasn't.

 

We've made it clear we both still love each other but nothing has been set in stone about us getting back together, and won't be until we see eachother again I guess. The last two weeks I've made myself distant after I had a feeling I maybe wasn't the only person he was talking to. I also wasnt sure about being with him again because i wasnt keen on repeating our failed relationship again. But no matter how hard I tried to leave things he'd constantly message me until I would reply.

 

The other day I was too drunk to talk to him or reply to him so I just left it, and when I woke up he was acting very different. He didn't seem to want to talk at all, seemed preoccupied and making it clear with his words we were "just friends" and only friends. Since then he's just been different - less responsive and just really weird.

 

Tomorrow he's going on a week long road trip with a bunch of his friends, and there's five girls going; one that he used to date, a girl that I know he used to talk to ALOT (fwb maybe) before we started dating, and a girl who had a crush on him that tried breaking us up. He's a very flirty guy and if any one of them made a move on him I wouldn't be surprised if he hooked up with any one of them...

I can feel that he's sort of removed himself from me and whatever we had, if that makes sense.. Maybe so he's fully available and I really have no reason to be upset if I ever found out he hooked up with another girl.

 

I'm trying not to let it show but it's really bothering me because I still love this guy and I dont want to look so damn stupid. I can't stop thinking off him just wanting to give up on us, which is hypocritical because I wanted to give up on us, but even then I would try to make no contact instead of still talking to him as a friend one day and* a girlfriend the next.

 

*He's basically sort of friend zoned me already (imo), but he still flirts with me and blows my phone up when I don't reply or I give short answers. I'm wondering if I should just cut off contact right now to save myself and my feelings (worked out before) but i also don't want him to completely take this as I have no interest and encouragment to hook up with another girl. Should I just stick it out and see how it goes while risking my feelings? I know I'd be absolutely destroyed if I found out he did this.

 

I honestly see a future with him and I know I want to be with him, but this is just sticking in the way. I know that if this hurts me I won't ever be able to go back to him because he's hurt me enough, and I'm definitely not ready to be back in a relationship like that again. He's moving here in a month, I wanna make sure we have a chance seeing as distance was the reason we broke up and fought so much.

 

So what do I do?