I am 29 yo woman who never had a boyfriend. I'm tired of being lonely and miserable.

[CherryGirl1986]

I'm 29. I'm a physician. I've always been a nerd, until the whole Ugly Duckling thing happened to me during puberty and I became what people call "a very attractive lady". I've always been worried about becoming a good doctor and a good professional. Perhaps that was my mistake because I spent way too many years of my life studying and trying to be great in college and university.

 

Thing is... Years have passed by, I was rejected for many men because yes I am shy, introverted and don't smile that often, and I have never had a boyfriend, a proper date, let alone had someone tell me he fell in love for me. My love life is zero. NADA.

 

I feel like I am wasting my youth in stupid professional quests and the personal life I wanted to have is going away. I just want a family in the end. I want children. I want to love my children and teach them about the world. I want to have a husband and make him happy, I want him to leave work and think "I am so glad I am going home to meet my wife, that makes my day better".

 

Yet I don't have any of this. My ambitions are very simple and mundane, and yet I can't have them. People say I intimidate men for being "too beautiful and too successful". I can't believe them. I just think I may seem to be a bitch or a very desperate woman who repels men.

 

Before you talk about hobbies... I have tried basically anything to pursue my passions and hobbies. I have joined so many courses and activities I am exhausted now. I didn't spend my life locked in the basement. I have tried every possible course, class, activitie, hobbie I liked in order to meet new people. I speak six languages, I swim, I can cook, I have a MBA certificate, I'm a certified professional make up artist, I have taken photography and drawing classes.

 

I have tried online dating, too. And it was an awful experience. 99,9% of men there only wanted casual sex and weren't that interested in me.

 

I am ****ing tired of all this ****. I am not asking much. Yet it seems that I can't have these simple things I'm asking. I just want to have a FAMILY, that's all. And it's absurdly hard for me.

 

I sometimes see my mother looking at me with a pitiful look and it crushes me. She said it already, she said that she feels sorry for me. She's always asking "But isn't there a nice guy where you work, a guy you could date?" I feel that my mother doesn't talk much about it in order not to hurt me, but I feel she's worried as well. And perhaps a little sad and disappointed. My friends don't even ask me about guys anymore. They used to ask, a few years ago, if I had met any interesting men. They have stopped asking this. It's like I'm an asexual creature to them now.

 

I'll be turning 30 this year, and I couldn't make my personal life work so far. In 30 years, I couldn't meet the man of my life and couldn't have a family. I couldn't even have a proper date. I didn't even have a guy ask me out.

I feel like a failure. Yes, I feel like complete ****.

 

I don't know what to do, or what to think or how to feel good about myself. What should I do?

[Zapbasket]

What should you do? Be you, do things not for achievement, but for enjoyment, and let go of the need for a boyfriend. It sounds counter-intuitive to let go of the very thing that you want most, but it's the only way a) to attract that which you seek, and b) to enjoy yourself while you're "waiting."

 

I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 25. I had some dalliances, but they meant nothing; at 22 I gave in to an older coworker who kept hitting on me because I wanted to lose my virginity. By age 24 I started wondering, what was wrong with me? And then the next thing I knew, I met my first boyfriend, with whom I was together for five years. Literally like *that* I went from "Girl Who Never Had a Boyfriend" to "Girl with a Boyfriend." I didn't change anything about myself; I didn't push myself to go on a million dates; I just...met someone, and we clicked, and poof, I had a boyfriend.

 

And just like anything you want that feels impossibly out of reach because it seems it would be the answer to EVERYTHING that's missing or amiss in your life, going from being the Girl Who Never Had a Boyfriend to Girl with a Boyfriend is much less dramatic, much less life-changing or life-absolving than it seems at first it would be. Sure, I learned things with that first boyfriend, and the two that have come after him, but like you before I met them I was a very driven, very successful and high-achieving, ambitious person...and I look back and see that time, that "time before," as the purest, and best time. Looking back, I wish I'd believed more in my worth as a girlfriend and held out for a guy who was my REAL, TRUE match, rather than having been so keen to make it work with guys who really weren't all that.

 

So that's why I say to just relax, and trust in the path you are on, and surround yourself with people and activities you truly, deeply enjoy. That way, when someone does come into your life--and he will--you'll have that much more in your well to draw from, and to share, no matter whether he turns out to be The One, or the tenth one turns out to be.

 

Edited to add: my best friend was NEARLY 31 before she met her first boyfriend. He absolutely adored every quirk about her, and she him, and three and a half years later they were married, and six more years after that they are happy together with a two-year-old girl. Everybody has their own path to love--some paths are characterized by years and years of waiting, others are tumultuous, filled with lovers and drama and betrayals, and still others start off like a fairy tale and then turn out to be anything but. It's all just a part of life, and whether single or coupled, life has joys and pitfalls for everyone.

Edited August 14, 2016 by GreenCove

[Bialy]

I was going to suggest that you do exercise and diversify you're hobbies and activities --- BUT it sounds like you have a lot going on and passions.

 

Just a thought - maybe it's WHERE you live. Maybe you need to consider relocating to a new metropolitan area. Do you currently live in a rural or suburban area?

 

Are you looking for someone who is of a particular religion or background? That will narrow down things dramatically.

 

For what it's worth, I'm 34 and I was a late bloomer too. I didn't have my first real relationship until I was 26.

[SwordofFlame]

I would suggest not giving up on online dating and just learn how to filter out the men who only want sex.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I'm 29.

 

 

I didn't spend my life locked in the basement.

 

 

 

What should I do?

 

 

 

Well, if you are really getting out there and meeting plenty of candidates through these activities, then what you should probably change...

 

is "Nothing"

 

 

That is to say, don't spend (the rest of) your life critiquing your make-up, your figure, your neighborhood, your job, your female friends, while convincing yourself that those things need to be altered or changed.

 

 

If you really feel that you are gen-er-al-ly already employing all of the advice likely here, then stay where you are... and keep believing.

 

Even if you're Doogie Howser, and you've been a physician since you were sixteen or so... twenty-nine years does not equal a (typical) 'lifetime'...

 

So perhaps your main task should be to maintain a steady course without giving up, and while reminding yourself that you DO rate love in your life.

[No_Go]

Resume online dating (preferably paid sites), DON'T put any sexy pictures, and DON'T message guys. Seriously. I did that and NONE of the guys that was after me was there for just for sex. Also by letting them initiate you pre-select the more extroverted ones who will do the job for you.

 

I was in the same boat as you, probably worse - I was 24/7 in the lab, living with the rhythm of my bacteria and the b.s. of my PhD advisor. My first guy (at 27) was offline (roommate), super extroverted. From there on I relied to OLD and regardless of other issues - noone was there for just fooling around, and there was never lack of people asking for dates.

 

I'm 29. I'm a physician. I've always been a nerd, until the whole Ugly Duckling thing happened to me during puberty and I became what people call "a very attractive lady". I've always been worried about becoming a good doctor and a good professional. Perhaps that was my mistake because I spent way too many years of my life studying and trying to be great in college and university.

 

Thing is... Years have passed by, I was rejected for many men because yes I am shy, introverted and don't smile that often, and I have never had a boyfriend, a proper date, let alone had someone tell me he fell in love for me. My love life is zero. NADA.

 

I feel like I am wasting my youth in stupid professional quests and the personal life I wanted to have is going away. I just want a family in the end. I want children. I want to love my children and teach them about the world. I want to have a husband and make him happy, I want him to leave work and think "I am so glad I am going home to meet my wife, that makes my day better".

 

Yet I don't have any of this. My ambitions are very simple and mundane, and yet I can't have them. People say I intimidate men for being "too beautiful and too successful". I can't believe them. I just think I may seem to be a bitch or a very desperate woman who repels men.

 

Before you talk about hobbies... I have tried basically anything to pursue my passions and hobbies. I have joined so many courses and activities I am exhausted now. I didn't spend my life locked in the basement. I have tried every possible course, class, activitie, hobbie I liked in order to meet new people. I speak six languages, I swim, I can cook, I have a MBA certificate, I'm a certified professional make up artist, I have taken photography and drawing classes.

 

I have tried online dating, too. And it was an awful experience. 99,9% of men there only wanted casual sex and weren't that interested in me.

 

I am ****ing tired of all this ****. I am not asking much. Yet it seems that I can't have these simple things I'm asking. I just want to have a FAMILY, that's all. And it's absurdly hard for me.

 

I sometimes see my mother looking at me with a pitiful look and it crushes me. She said it already, she said that she feels sorry for me. She's always asking "But isn't there a nice guy where you work, a guy you could date?" I feel that my mother doesn't talk much about it in order not to hurt me, but I feel she's worried as well. And perhaps a little sad and disappointed. My friends don't even ask me about guys anymore. They used to ask, a few years ago, if I had met any interesting men. They have stopped asking this. It's like I'm an asexual creature to them now.

 

I'll be turning 30 this year, and I couldn't make my personal life work so far. In 30 years, I couldn't meet the man of my life and couldn't have a family. I couldn't even have a proper date. I didn't even have a guy ask me out.

I feel like a failure. Yes, I feel like complete ****.

 

I don't know what to do, or what to think or how to feel good about myself. What should I do?

[Cupid's Puppet]

What should you do? Go to Walmart so that you can see that marriage and kids isn't all it's cracked up to be. Yeah it's cute seeing the old couples still holding hands at the mall, or parents teaching their kids to swim at the pool. But Walmart, oh Walmart shows you their family life the other 80 percent of the time. Husbands talking to their fat wives any cruel way. Children running around crying all the damn time like entitled brats. Yeah I'm pretty bitter today. Don't mind me.

[sureño]

Well, you're a doctor. You've triumphed in the life. Is preferable to be a professional that is able to go out by herself, that a woman totally dependent of her husband.

Don't idealize family life, because it has its pro and cons as everything in life.

If your fate is to marry, earlier or late it will be. Meantime live your life.

[losangelena]

As someone who didn't have a serious boyfriend until she was 34, I promise, you can be just as miserable with a relationship than without.

[AceCutty]

What should you do? Go to Walmart so that you can see that marriage and kids isn't all it's cracked up to be. Yeah it's cute seeing the old couples still holding hands at the mall' date=' or parents teaching their kids to swim at the pool. But Walmart, oh Walmart shows you their family life the other 80 percent of the time. Husbands talking to their fat wives any cruel way. Children running around crying all the damn time like entitled brats. Yeah I'm pretty bitter today. Don't mind me.[/quote']

 

Yup. The DMV is a great place for this too.

 

Basically, any place that has a high concentration of poor and stupid people.

[RecentChange]

Oh come on, there are plenty of happy, successful families out there - that you won't see at Walmart. That's bottom of the barrel stuff. Most PhDs do not need to bargain shop. Go to the local farmers market and get a different picture of family life (says this woman who doesn't want kids!).

 

Op - how are your social skills? What sort of friendships do you have, and what is your social life like? Do you, or have you ever had male friends? Do you think you are generally perceived as open and approachable or perhaps closed off and upright?

 

What changes have you attempted to make regarding your lack of smiling and shyness?

 

What sort of man are YOU attracted to? What attempts have been made? You mentioned being rejected before, in what way?

 

Also, have you been physical with a man?

 

Lastly - I am not saying to settle, but have you tried dating guys that you know won't be marriage material - just to dip your foot in the pool?

Edited August 16, 2016 by RecentChange

[AceCutty]

Lastly - I am not saying to settle, but have you tried dating guys that you know won't be marriage material - just to dip your foot in the pool?

 

I don't think this is good advice. It sounds like you're encouraging her to date "bad boys".

 

I would recommend to instead try dating nice guys with good careers that are maybe not so great in the looks department.

[RecentChange]

No, has nothing to do with "bad boys".

 

Maybe he isn't as smart as she would like. Seriously if she is a extremely bright female, which I have no doubt she is given her post, finding your intellectual match can be a challenge.

 

So perhaps his education level isn't what she hopes, or his professional goals. Maybe there is something about him that makes her think he wouldn't be a good father.

 

Doesn't mean it's not someone you can't date some. Get out there and enjoy a night on the town. Lean HOW to date. How to meet new men and carry a conversation. Learn how to let go of her shyness and relate to a guy a bit.

 

He doesn't have to ride a motorcycle (although that might be fun too!)

[NTV]

 

Before you talk about hobbies... I have tried basically anything to pursue my passions and hobbies. I have joined so many courses and activities I am exhausted now. I didn't spend my life locked in the basement. I have tried every possible course, class, activitie, hobbie I liked in order to meet new people. I speak six languages, I swim, I can cook, I have a MBA certificate, I'm a certified professional make up artist, I have taken photography and drawing classes.

 

 

Holy crap. Maybe you are just doing too much stuff? No time to stop an smell the roses? Heck, if I went on a date with a woman that had all that behind them --no I WOULDN'T be intimidated, so don't think it!-- but I WOULD wonder 'how much time does she really have for me...?'

 

 

I would suggest that you cut out the majority of your extra crap, choose maybe 1 or 2 that make you happy, and then focus on having some fun. Not necessarily go out party fun. But just enjoy yourself. I know what attracts me more than the sexiest body or most beautiful face is an honest laugh. It's like my subconscious says 'hey she's having fun, I wanna too!'

[Alamo657]

I'm 29. I'm a physician. I've always been a nerd, until the whole Ugly Duckling thing happened to me during puberty and I became what people call "a very attractive lady"

 

I don't know what to do, or what to think or how to feel good about myself. What should I do?

 

You should ask men you know in real life out since they are "too impressed" to do it.

 

Also, your life seem to be super full of activities and hobbies, maybe people think you're a lesbian, or have no time for relationship thus do not seek one.

 

Ask your friends to set you up.

 

From what you just wrote, as a man i would indeed be VERY impressed by you, perhaps many decent men you meet feel they won't be enough for you.

[Toodaloo]

don't smile that often,

 

My love life is zero. NADA.

 

I don't know what to do, or what to think or how to feel good about myself. What should I do?

 

This is your problem.

 

You may be smart and you may be achieving but you have no zest for life. There is nothing you love doing so much that you keep at it. You get proficient then give it up because its a job done.

 

Everyone has something they love, perhaps their dog or running every Sunday morning or perhaps they love cooking or going to the gym...

 

You have no clue who you are so how is anyone supposed to get to know you?

 

Yes you look good on paper what what else is left? A lost soul who is looking for someone else to make them whole. Newsflash. No one else can do that for you. So you have tried loads of stuff but you haven't found the thing that makes you tick. Keep searching.

 

Conversation skills are a must here and talking to someone who can do everything but has no passion and no joy is just plain dull. Most just stop talking and look out of the window instead for a bit of something positive.

 

You are a doctor. have you also considered that you may have a problem if you do all these things but find no joy in them???

[Efohex]

I'm going to (somewhat) disagree with a lot of the advice here. If you don't like the results, you should change what you're doing. The definition of insanity and all that. The caveat here is that some people decide that, rather than changing their approach, they're going to change the way they think about the results. There's much to be said for doing things because they are personally rewarding, not because they help you meet people or because they make you a more attractive mate. There's a whole lot to learn about and experience that shouldn't require you to be with anyone to enjoy.

 

I'm also going to disagree with most people on another point: all of your interests and career accomplishments, while potentially making you an amazing person, do not make you amazing girlfriend or wife material.

 

Are you physically attractive? Are you generous with sex? Will you treat me with respect and appreciate what I bring to the relationship, or are you a sexist and domineering bitch? Do I believe you are capable of being loyal? Do we have the same ideas about how to raise our children? Do you have time for me? Are you fun to be with?

 

I certainly don't speak for all men, but I suspect you will find most if not all of those questions near the top of most men's lists when it comes to choosing a mate. Having a successful, or at least stable career, which many women consider important in a man (enough so that the husband's employment status is the number one indicator of divorce), is not as big a priority in a mate for most men.

 

And yeah, it's cool that you speak six languages, like to swim, hold an MBA, can literally do your makeup like a pro, and can take photos worth framing and hanging around the house, but many men can be very happy with a woman who does NONE of those things. They make you an interesting person, but they're not a reason to date you.

 

How do you make a man's life better than the alternatives available to him? That's the question you eventually need to provide an answer to, and to do that you need to be comfortable and outgoing around men in social situations and/or you need to date.

 

Agreeing to a date is not "I do." It's an opportunity to (1) have fun (2) learn about what you like in a partner and (3) work on showcasing the things that do make you a good partner. To land dates consistently you're likely going to have to step outside your comfort zone a little bit, take some risks, be more proactive, and not expect any given guy to be everything you desire in a man.

 

Remember, what you've been doing isn't working. If you keep doing what you've been doing, you shouldn't expect anything to change. Yes, it might -- and plenty of people can give you anecdotes to demonstrate as much -- but you shouldn't expect it to. I know a guy who contacted one woman on Plenty of Fish and ended up marrying her. I've also read credible stories from dozens of men who have contacted hundreds of women without getting a single reply. Yeah, you might get lucky. You might also wind up alone and spend the rest of your life feeling like you blew your chance at the life you really wanted.

[august14]

Are you physically attractive? Are you generous with sex? Will you treat me with respect and appreciate what I bring to the relationship, or are you a sexist and domineering bitch? Do I believe you are capable of being loyal? Do we have the same ideas about how to raise our children? Do you have time for me? Are you fun to be with?

 

OP, I don't really have any advice to give you regarding your situation, but I do know enough to recommend you to not to listen to a person who doesn't seem to realize the irony of making sure someone isn't a sexist while using a phrase like "domineering bitch" in the same breath.

[salparadise]

I'm 29. I'm a physician. I've always been a nerd, until the whole Ugly Duckling thing happened to me during puberty and I became what people call "a very attractive lady".

 

People say I intimidate men for being "too beautiful and too successful". I can't believe them. I just think I may seem to be a bitch or a very desperate woman who repels men.

 

I have tried every possible course, class, activitie, hobbie I liked in order to meet new people. I speak six languages, I swim, I can cook, I have a MBA certificate, I'm a certified professional make up artist, I have taken photography and drawing classes.

 

I have tried online dating, too. And it was an awful experience. 99,9% of men there only wanted casual sex and weren't that interested in me.

 

 

With all due respect OP, something does not compute in this narrative. Attractive, smart, women with a feminine nature, emotional intelligence and social skills can get men. That's a fact you can take to the bank. The fact that you're a physician, speak six languages and have lots of interests and accomplishments should enhance your desirability and equity in the dating market. You're also at a great age to be in demand.

 

I think there is something missing, or an inaccuracy, in the narrative. Let's try and figure it out. When you were online dating did you get plenty of messages? Did you meet plenty of men? And if yes to both, did they ask you out again after the first meeting? Did the conversations flow? Plenty of laughter and lightheartedness in the interactions?

 

What qualifications do you require a guy to meet before you're interested in him? Does he have to be your equal in every way... income, intelligence, education, physical attractiveness, etc., etc.? If so, then you realize that you pool of candidates is minuscule, right? This is the trap for so many smart, successful women. They want a man to be amazing and impressive, and believe they deserve that, but since they are at the very top of the food chain themselves (so to speak), and impressive is relative, almost no one can qualify as a legitimate suitor. Sometimes they say this isn't the case, but they just can't be attracted to someone less accomplished than themselves.

 

Emotional intelligence and social fluency usually go hand-in-hand with high intelligence, but not always. And even if a woman has both seemingly mastered on the surface there is still the question of whether she has the ability to be open and vulnerable. The ability to be vulnerable is hard for a lot of people. They say they want to be, yet subconsciously they're afraid and they sabotage and find excuses to protect their fragile core. Having a fragile core means lack of belief in one's own worthiness... being good enough to be lovable. You present with an air of confidence because of your accomplishments, but does that carry through into the interpersonal realm?

 

Give us some more detail regarding your dating history if you don't mind. I am also curious about what you're doing for sex... are you celibate, or do you have other ways to manage?

[Pantera]

Well you may have done many curses but not the ones you also need

to grow as a person.

 

Im sure you know by now why you are in this situation.

So work on it. If you dont know do soul-searching on yourself and ask friends feedback

and people that really know you.

And work on it when you see its true.

 

Dont know how much of a introvert you are.

But if you are much of it, like people cant even read you or get a word out of you, you need to work on that asap!!!!!!!!!!!

From what you said, it sound like your attitude make people stay away.

Maybe also the way you carry yourself, maybe head down, introvert and not give people any respond not even in your body language that you are open for interaction or even a simple hi.

 

So people may choose not to force it on you and pass you by.

 

Get some curse about dating and read books about it and also about how to express yourself and body language.

 

Then go have a complete make over in hair and clothes also. Let the hairdresser surprise you or let your friends choose for you so it will get you out of you shelf. You can look amazing, modest sexy, and be smart at same time.

You dont have to look nerdy to be smart.

Also work on how you carry yourself.

 

Once you work on this things, you may see also that guys do try to connect with you.

And many more may approach you.

 

But just socialize and get to know people. And only go further if you see he is someone for you. Dont go date marry have kids out of desperation!

Give yourself time to know the person and to meet the rigth one.

 

Also work out. Can help you in building a more secure self esteem.

And practice your hobby and get better in it every-time.

[Pantera]

I agree with the advice to get to know yourself first.

So you know who you are and what you can offer. And what you are looking for.

 

 

Just ask yourself: who am i beside a doctor?

Who am i if this job will disappear today?

If you feel like you will be nothing and have nothing else to do. THen you

know you lost yourself in your job/ studys.

And forgot all the other parts of you.

 

Everyone you meet will want to know who you are.

Your personality, hobbys, dreams,good and bad quality's, and the more the relationship develop your life experiences.etc etc.

 

Without your job and degrees, you are someone!

And that person you need to know and carry and be and love!

 

You need to get to know yourself first before you look for any man.

You did study and got your paper, amazing. well done.

Now its time for you to spent time on the real you. Which you forgot to pay

attention to while studying.

 

One thing that can also help you is go on vacation where there is beach and nature.

And be alone, and bring your self help books (christian books if posible) with you.

When you quiet and resting, things come up more to your mind and you have better

time to think and evaluate stuff. etc.

[elaine567]

My ambitions are very simple and mundane, and yet I can't have them. People say I intimidate men for being "too beautiful and too successful". I can't believe them. I just think I may seem to be a bitch or a very desperate woman who repels men.

 

Although many men say that they want a successful and accomplished wife, many men do not want a wife that surpasses them, or surpasses their achievements or level in society.

 

So if you were a man with all your varied interests and accomplishments that would count for a lot in dating circles.

As a woman you WILL be intimidating to very many men, your friends are correct IME.

 

Many men will feel threatened by you and unless you are very friendly and approachable, they will be unlikely to ask you out, for fear of rejection maybe, or because they want to be top dog in the relationship and dating a woman who is perceived to be "better", they know will not end well.

 

As you are also introverted and shy, you will not be giving out any "come hither" vibes and you may even come across as arrogant or superior (many introverted people give that impression, when in reality that is the last thing they feel).

 

I think far from "selling yourself" and listing all your good points as a means to "attract" a man, perhaps you need to hide your light under a bushel for a while.

Play a bit dumb and inadequate, a woman who "needs" a man to sort her out as opposed to coming across as highly intelligent, competent and giving the impression that you do not need a man for anything. Many men feel emasculated by intelligent and successful women.

I am not saying you need to act like Dopey Dora, but many men need to feel that they are the intelligent and successful one in the relationship.

 

If you feel you now have a reputation as the untouchable, genius, dateless, "lesbian", ice maiden amongst your immediate and wider circle, then you may need to consider changing jobs or moving to a different area and making a new start.

[angel.eyes]

First, look on the bright side. You have a career (that hopefully you love) and you're self-sufficient. It's easy to focus on the one thing we don't have, but you have a lot going for you.

 

Second, you're 29, not 49 or 59. You still have time to tweak your behavior and choices a little bit, find the right guy for YOU, and get your personal life to where you want it to be. Lots of successful, attractive professional women find themselves exactly where you are in their late 20's, thirties, and even forties. With a little reprioritization, and working on their softer people skills, many are able to meet and connect with someone special.

 

It's fine to have a sense of urgency. What you don't want is to panic, feel like it will never happen, and then out of a sense of desperation, settle for the first XY to cross your path.

 

A few recommendations:

 

• Look at what you're doing socially that puts you in contact with men on a regular basis in settings where you can have meaningful conversations. Maybe have a goal of meeting, getting to know, and flirting with five new men each week...every week.
   
  
• Second, you have quite the laundry list of hobbies. Are you excited and passionate about all of them? Focus on the ones that bring you joy and about which you're passionate. Drop the ones that just keep you busy. Those will leave you frazzled. People (and that includes men) are attracted to positive, warm, fun, welcoming individuals who have a passion for life. Stressed out, abrupt, and tense from being overscheduled? Not so much.
   
  
• Are you approachable? What is your resting facial expression? Do you smile at others? Are you pleasant to the strangers around you? Do you strike up conversations with others--for example when you're both stuck in a long line at the grocery store or on a long elevator ride together? Make sure you show up to events early. Chit chat with whoever else has shown up early. Engage others as they arrive. If you're meeting your friends for dinner, show up a little early, sit at the restaurant's bar while you wait. Smile and look around. Don't bury yourself in your smartphone. Usually one of the guys there will start up a conversation. Engage him and practice flirting until your friends show up.
   
  
• Let everyone know that now that you're established/semi-established in your career, you're actively looking to meet someone special for a long-term relationship. Since you've always been single, the assumption is typically that you want to be single or you aren't actually single, just very private about your relationships. Either way, people aren't going to volunteer to help you because they don't want to offend you or make you feel awkward in case it's not what you want. Make it okay to be a topic of conversation with you. Encourage them to engage you about this. Then they'll be willing to help you. Let everyone (co-workers, friends, family) know you welcome being set up...but then you have to welcome being set up. in other words, keep an open mind and say yes when you're set up. Your goal is just to meet, learn a little about the person, and practice flirting. If you click, great. If not, you've gotten more comfortable with flirting and engaging your date. You've gotten some practice with the opposite gender and dating.
   
  
• Also, OLD is an important tool. If you're only meeting men who want a ONS or casual hookups, then you're probably on the wrong site. Location, location, location! If you fish in a swamp, what you catch will be different than if you go deep-sea fishing, right? It's not fishing itself, or your tools that are limiting your catch. It's where you've opted to fish that's impacting what you net. Looking for a mate is no different. Pick the right pool, and you'll have a much easier time finding the right person for you. Many (maybe most?) of my friends who didn't marry their grad school BF/GF found their spouses via OLD. It works if you have patience, pay attention to your intuition, and make smart choices.
   
  
• Finally, understand that it's a process. It will take time to find the right guy. That's okay. Stay positive, be confident that it will happen, keep improving, and stick with your search.
  

[salparadise]

I think far from "selling yourself" and listing all your good points as a means to "attract" a man, perhaps you need to hide your light under a bushel for a while. Play a bit dumb and inadequate, a woman who "needs" a man to sort her out as opposed to coming across as highly intelligent, competent and giving the impression that you do not need a man for anything. Many men feel emasculated by intelligent and successful women.

 

Nah, she just needs a man who isn't like that, assuming there are some who match that description... which I guess is possible. But I definitely don't see this as THE problem. A woman can have a PhD and be accomplished in many ways and not make that central to her relationship.

 

I think she just needs to be approachable... to give off the vibe that she's open, friendly and lookin' for a little action. Nonverbal cues can say a lot.

[SwordofFlame]

If I read your profile on a dating site, I would think that since you have so much going on, what time do you have for dating? I don't think I would be able to "keep up" (I hate that phrase). Here's the thing, if you were a man with all that you do and have, you would be extremely attractive to woman.

 

I hate to say this in this day and age, but I do think you just need to show your "feminine" side more. A man that acts like a woman is going to struggle. A woman acting like a man is also going to struggle.