I am 29 yo woman who never had a boyfriend. I'm tired of being lonely and miserable.

[preraph]

This may seem simplistic, but since you mentioned it, I'm going to harangue you about it. I used to have what they now call a resting B face, you know, not smiley, looked intimidating or even mad when I was just being myself and being relaxed. I was in a subculture (music) so instead of doing the obvious, instead I just went intimidating times 10 because that worked in my subculture. But I learned later in life how important it is to just get in the habit of putting a big unapologetic smile on your face on a daily basis. No, it's not natural. Yes, it's fake, but not that fake. I'm sure you're nice inside. It's really just behavioral modification. Making yourself do something that doesn't quite come naturally. But I'm telling you if you just do that and raise your eyes when people pass by with a friendly smile, your world will begin to change.

 

It's just that you have to work harder than most to look approachable. And as you say, you have these defenses up because you considered yourself an ugly duckling growing up and you had to deal with that and one way to deal with that is to take the attitude "I don't care what anyone thinks." And it may be true you shouldn't care what anyone thinks about shallow crap like how you look, but you should care about some people in general and have some empathy for them and they for you, and so to do that, you have to look unscary and approachable -- and nothing will do that quicker and easier than to make it a habit to smile. Even if it's awkward at first, do it, because it shows you have a willingless to be friendly and someone will take you up on that.

 

Now I am old and fat, so nothing to look at, but when I even go to the hardware store or anywhere, I just make a point of looking up and smiling and maybe raising my eyebrows to open my face up, and lots of people at least say hi or talk to me in line or whatever.

 

You know how if you were at a party and you saw an animated guy who was laughing and talking to a few different people at once, you'd probably rightly think that you could say hi to that guy and know he was friendly enough to say hi back and maybe strike up a conversation? Keep that goal in mind for yourself.

 

Yes, you being a doctor will repel some insecure men, but you are a doctor! You will meet other doctors all over the place and other personnel who have things in common with you if only you will meet them halfway and show them you're friendly.

 

Good luck.

[Mr_Fox]

CherryGirl - You are anything but a failure! You are a great intelligent and successful woman and I bet pretty too!

 

Many guys are scared of intelligent women but there guys out there like me who adore intelligent women like you!

 

By all means keep searching online, go salsa dancing, take up new hobbies, ask some guy out at work. Try all these things and you will find a guy who loves you just as you are!

 

Don't give up on your quest but don't get desperate either. Love yourself first and then others will love you too!

[Toodaloo]

I still think your main issue is that you have nothing that you really truly love that makes you giddy with excitement or really happy. Trust me blokes don't actually come with a magic wand... It is not a mans job or responsibility to make you happy.

 

Me? I love horse riding and plan to get another some day. I love the freedom, the excitement, the sheer thrill of charging round cross country courses, I love the connection with nature as I see wildlife around me. I love the passion of a well ridden dressage test, the complexities of training and gaining the best out of both myself and my horse. I love working up a sweat and grooming my horses until their coats gleam. I enjoy getting covered in muck and making up the "perfect" beds for them. I get a real kick when I call they whinny and canter across the field to greet me.

 

OP if that were you talking I guess you would say something along the lines of "I am a proficient rider". I have been to riding lessons. It wasn't really my thing...

 

Do you see the difference? What is your "thing"? You don't seem to have one at all?

 

You need to find your "horse riding" thing. So far no luck but there must be something you really love. Reading? Animals? Sports? Film? Music? Theatre? Cooking? Shoes? Design?

 

With out that passion there is nothing. I think you need to find your passion. Then the men will come rolling in.

[ZA Dater]

This is your problem.

 

You may be smart and you may be achieving but you have no zest for life. There is nothing you love doing so much that you keep at it. You get proficient then give it up because its a job done.

 

Everyone has something they love, perhaps their dog or running every Sunday morning or perhaps they love cooking or going to the gym...

 

You have no clue who you are so how is anyone supposed to get to know you?

 

Yes you look good on paper what what else is left? A lost soul who is looking for someone else to make them whole. Newsflash. No one else can do that for you. So you have tried loads of stuff but you haven't found the thing that makes you tick. Keep searching.

 

Conversation skills are a must here and talking to someone who can do everything but has no passion and no joy is just plain dull. Most just stop talking and look out of the window instead for a bit of something positive.

 

You are a doctor. have you also considered that you may have a problem if you do all these things but find no joy in them???

 

Really brilliant post! Its vital to be passionate about something, people come and go but your passions will always be with you and while they don't equate to dates they can be good places to seek refuge.

[Mr_Fox]

Toodaloo - You are right. To be passionate only about one's work is just a total waste of a life to me. There is much more o life!

 

For me its the outdoors, cycling, nature, weight-training, keep-fit, music, ..

 

Yes, outside interests make a person whole!

[preraph]

It's not good to be single-minded, but being able to work at what you love is just about the most awesome thing there is. And IMO, it makes the workplace the most likely place to meet like-minded people.

[neowulf]

The problem with posting on a forum like this, is that without personal knowledge of you, it's very difficult to say what would improve the situation.

 

Personally speaking, I think you should invest in a dating coach. Someone to assist you in the process and give you an objective perspective on how you're approaching your love life.

 

You have a blind spot. I can guarantee it. Something about you is throwing men off. It's impossible for you to see it, because.. as stated, you're blind to it. But it'll be the thing that keeps getting in your way and there's no way any of us on here can see it, because we have to rely on what you're telling us.

 

I'd seriously consider hiring the services of a dating coach and working the process laid out. That's all finding a mate really comes down to sometimes. It's a process. You work the process until you get the result. The question is, what are you willing to do to move forward?

 

Here's something I'd recommend right off the bat;

1. Get some fresh pictures taken, maybe 3 or 4, that show off your best qualities. Don't be afraid to run them past friends to see how they feel about them.

 

2. Re-activate your online dating profile and review it with the help of said dating coach (or friends if that helps).

 

3. Aim to go on at least 1-4 dates a month. If you've put up good pictures, smile nicely and have a healthy figure, you'll manage that easily.

 

4. Continue going on dates until you meet someone who feels "right". This could take months. Accept that upfront and lean into the discomfort of it. If you get tired, take brakes for a week here and there, but *commit* to the process.

 

If you follow the above and don't have a boyfriend within a year, I'd be shocked. Internet dating, while having some issues, has revolutionized dating. If dating is a numbers game, it's hard to beat the exposure potential of being on a dating site.

 

You're an intelligent woman who clearly has a lot going for her. There may be one in a 100 men who are up to the challenge you represent, but they're out there.

Edited August 22, 2016 by neowulf

[Els]

Before you talk about hobbies... I have tried basically anything to pursue my passions and hobbies. I have joined so many courses and activities I am exhausted now. I didn't spend my life locked in the basement. I have tried every possible course, class, activitie, hobbie I liked in order to meet new people. I speak six languages, I swim, I can cook, I have a MBA certificate, I'm a certified professional make up artist, I have taken photography and drawing classes.

I would be very surprised if a doctor doing everything you said you do has any time at all to get to know people. My SO is in the same profession as you are, and he really doesn't have time do anything besides work, a couple of low-maintenance hobbies, spending time with me, and occasionally going out with friends.

 

I mean, if this is the life you have chosen for yourself, then that's totally fine, but if you want to be able to start and maintain a happy R, something has to give. Very few people want to be in a relationship with someone who's constantly rushing everywhere with no time for them. I suggest you focus on a few hobbies and make time to just talk to people and enjoy spending time with them. Stop and smell the roses, so to speak.

 

Also, your locality and pure luck are both undeniable factors. FWIW, I know several people who met their partner well after the age of 29. Plus you have about 10 years of childbearing left, so even if you want biological children, it isn't terribly urgent at this point. There's also egg-freezing, which you will likely be able to afford with your job.

 

And... smile. Really. It makes a huge difference. Especially for women IMO.

Edited August 22, 2016 by Elswyth

[sunandbutterflies]

Hello CherryGirl,

You seem like a very talented and intelligent lady with all of your interests and that you are a doctor!

I am so glad that you were able to see through the fellows that just wanted casual sex. I hope that you are blessed with a man that treasures you for who you are and sees you as more than just a body.

I can relate to the online dating being frustrating at times. It can make it seem like there are no good (or godly) fellows left.

One of the girls that I know felt called to have a family, but hadn't yet met a fellow. After much prayer, she decided to become a foster mom and adopted a girl. Earlier this month a man proposed to her! I'm not sure what opportunities you might have to serve others when you get out of work, but I hope that you are able to bless others with or without a husband.

I pray that you are able to find a man that will love you in the context of marriage.

God bless.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Well, oh well, it is what it is, fair or not

[oldshirt]

I'm 29. I'm a physician.

 

 

 

 

 

Before you talk about hobbies... I have tried basically anything to pursue my passions and hobbies. I have joined so many courses and activities I am exhausted now. I didn't spend my life locked in the basement. I have tried every possible course, class, activitie, hobbie I liked in order to meet new people. I speak six languages, I swim, I can cook, I have a MBA certificate, I'm a certified professional make up artist, I have taken photography and drawing classes.

 

 

.

 

 

 

I think the OP vented her rant and has flown the coop, but this brings up some good points and good discussion that can help other people in similar situations.

 

The things she listed about herself up here would make a man very attractive to women. However we need to keep in mind the differences between the girls and the boys.

 

While men may look at a woman's educational and professional accomplishments and personal development and be somewhat impressed by that, it does not necessarily make him attracted to her, desire her or make him interested in dating/marrying/having a home and family with her.

 

Women may look at that resume' and all her activities and accomplishments and wonder how she could not have hords of men beating down her door. A man may look at that resume' and wonder how she would be able to date at all.

 

Men's values and interests in a potential mate are completely different than a woman's.

 

Men are attracted to youth, vigor, physical attributes (ie beauty) sexual responsiveness, sociability and treating him with respect and appreciation. If a man is interested in a home and family he is also going to look a woman's maternal abilities and drives and instincts and such.

 

So if the woman working the cash register down at the corner Super Mart has those traits and characteristics and the physician that speaks 6 languages and has the minor in astrophysics does not, the cashier gets the guy every time.

 

I have worked in the medical field my whole adult life. I have seen this first hand. My personal observation of the female physicians who are married and have families, the break down tends be like this - The ones that are cute and sexy and have social skills and have at least a couple drops of maternal drive in them typically marry a fellow medical student or resident when they are in med school or residency.

 

The ones that are not as cute and flirty and not as socially inclined and of lesser maternal drives tend to marry a bit later in life and marry a divorced/widowed middle age man with children of his own who is looking for a stable and resourceful person who can help provide a good stable home for his current children but doesn't necessarily need someone to devote the time and energy to bear more children.

 

The female physicians that are completely studious, nerdy, frumpy, lack social graces and lack any maternal drives and instincts at all (Picture Amy Farrah Fowler on the TV show Big Bang Theory) very freguently do not marry/date or end up in somewhat strange lesbian-type relationships.

 

Educational and professional status is an important factor in the attractiveness of men, but that often does not carry over into the attractiveness of women.

[oldshirt]

Now as far as the "intimidation factor" of women of high educational and professional status, I'm not really sure that I agree that it is 'intimidation' per se.

 

I'm not sure that most men are afraid of or intimidated by women of higher educational/professional status or success than then. I don't think men are that complex, I think it is more simple.

 

If a man is only looking for some fun and games, then a woman that is cute and flirty and laughs at his jokes and responds to his flirtations is good enough whether she is physician that also has an advanced degree in bio chemistry or whether she is the stock girl at the auto parts store.

 

But if he is looking for someone to have a home and family with, then he has to look at all sides of the equation. Yes a physician would have financial resources and job security and social status in the community which would be a plus. But physicians are notorious for 60+ hour work weeks, getting called back in to work in the middle of the night and being 95% devoted to their work and leaving their families with whatever leftovers might be available after they've finally gotten some sleep.

 

Not many men are going to want to be a Mr Mom or a stay at home dad or even a 51% primary care giver of the children etc etc while their wife is working 60+ hour work weeks in an exhausting and demanding field and flying off to conferences all over the country all the time.

 

Again, the men that are ok with it are the middle aged, balding, pot bellied guys that have had their children and have had vasectomies and now just want to finish raising their children to adulthood and then retire comfortably and devote their time to golf and their other hobbies.

 

The young, ambitious, unmarried guys with a full head of hair and abz that are looking for a wife and mother of their children, are going to be hesitant about someone that is going to be overwhelmed with her own educational and professional pursuits and may not have the time and energy for what he wants in a wife and mother.

 

The OP may be an amazing woman that has accomplished a lot in her 29 years, that doesn't mean that she would necessarily be up to the task of wife and mother for a lot of men out there.

 

It's not that they are intimidated or afraid per se, it's that they don't feel she would be able or willing to fulfil the job description of what they want a wife and mother to perform.

 

A taxi company is going to be hesitant to fill a taxi driver position with an astronaut working for NASA that has doctorate in astrophysics. It's not that they are intimidated by him/her, it's that they need someone that is going to show up to their assignment on time and deliver that person to their destination on a timely manner and then be ready for their next assignment. They don't need someone who can make astronomical calculations in their and launch and land the space shuttle.

[Popsicle]

We know that male doctors are notorious for dating/marrying female nurses...what's up with the female doctors dating male nurses? I say go for one of them.

 

You probably know and have seen more female doctors than most people. Are they married? Who are they married to? How did they meet their husbands? Ask around.

 

I know some female doctors. They ones I've known either a. married another physician or nurse they met at work, b. gave up on dating and never married, or c. married a guy they met in high school or college (often he doesn't have much of a career).

[oldshirt]

We know that male doctors are notorious for dating/marrying female nurses...what's up with the female doctors dating male nurses? I say go for one of them.

 

You probably know and have seen more female doctors than most people. Are they married? Who are they married to? How did they meet their husbands? Ask around.

 

I know some female doctors. They ones I've known either a. married another physician or nurse they met at work, b. gave up on dating and never married, or c. married a guy they met in high school or college (often he doesn't have much of a career).

 

I do know one couple that is female doctor/male nurse but otherwise I haven't seen it much at all.

 

This is going to sound like steriotyping but a large percentage of male nurses are gay.

[Popsicle]

This is going to sound like steriotyping but a large percentage of male nurses are gay.

 

That's funny. However, I never imagined them to be gay.

 

Hey, once I met a male manicurist! He was divorced (from a woman) and said that he was as straight as a pin. I just wondered why he got choose that particular profession...

[oldshirt]

We know that male doctors are notorious for dating/marrying female nurses...what's up with the female doctors dating male nurses? I say go for one of them.

 

You probably know and have seen more female doctors than most people. Are they married? Who are they married to? How did they meet their husbands? Ask around.

 

I know some female doctors. They ones I've known either a. married another physician or nurse they met at work, b. gave up on dating and never married, or c. married a guy they met in high school or college (often he doesn't have much of a career).

 

I do know one couple that is female doctor/male nurse but otherwise I haven't seen it much at all.

 

This is going to sound like steriotyping but a large percentage of male nurses are gay.