LDR with Unemployed Boyfriend?

[confusedpeach]

I've been with a guy for 2 Years. He has been unemployed for 2.5 years.. the first year he was pursuring his studies, the second year and a half renovating his mom's house (that he lives in). He's been looking for jobs but it's not enough effort and I felt like he should've been looking while renovating already. Now I fear no one wants to employ him anymore as he has been perpertually out of a job and the job market for such a long time. Now he's been applying for jobs and learning coding. The hope is for him to freelance and be able to work from anywhere thus ending long distance. He is a very sweet and nice guy, pays attention to everything and practically does everything to make me happy. But I worry that his lack of drive and goals will be detrimental to the relationship. I just worry if I ever get a house or have kids with this guy in the future he's going to end up being unemployed and I have to pick up the slack or get a divorce.

 

I don't know what's wrong with him, why he took so long to renovate a house. It was a big house, a lot of work and he saved his mum tons of money. But that made him SO unemployed. He's not sleeping in, doesn't play video games and doesn't watch TV, drink or smoke. He just spent his entire year tearing down wallpaper and doing manual work at the house. I've been to the house and it was in a very bad state but they should've hired someone to fix it.. He has savings that will probably last him 5 years because he barely spends money living with his mum. He's living in an area with unemployement 5% to 10%. He had been in the same job for around 8 years before he left to pursue a job that screwed him over. they promised that he could be a pilot, that has been his dream, but he ended up working minimum wage and not getting the pilot job. This experience might have made him unmotivated to find jobs to avoid being burnt again? He's calm about his unemployment and not anxious about finding work at all. Which drives me mad.

 

However I'm so sick of him. Practically tore his soul apart by telling him the hard truths about his unemployed status. Also broke up with him and gave him 5 months to earn $15 per hour freelancing. Am I unreasonable and should've been more supportive or was that perfectly fine?..

[basil67]

I completely understand how you feel about his unemployed status. A guy doesn't have to be rich, but he does need to be employable. And it would be great to close the distance between you.

 

However, I think the way you broke up with him was a bit over the top. A simple "I'm sorry, this relationship isn't working for me. I need a guy who's got a job. Good luck in the future" would have been a far nicer way to end it than tearing strips off him.

 

I'm also confused as to you breaking up but also giving him a deadline of 5 months. If you're broken up with someone, they become part of the past and don't owe you anything.

[JewelD]

You've been dealing with him being 'broke' for your entire relationship. If you wanted a man with an income, why would you date him in the first place?

 

I'm sure he'll find something eventually, although freelancing takes a bit of time to establish so he might need to try something else in the meantime. But you sound more upset that he's not freaking out over being unemployed. Maybe that's just not his personality.

 

Better to just be done with it entirely. You can't give time limits on a job with a certain salary, part of that depends on timing and the economy. It's not entirely in his hands. Just go find a new man with a job already.

[confusedpeach]

Thanks for the replies!

 

I dated him in the first place because he had stable employment before so I trusted that he will be able to find something with time. But ended up waiting a long time.

 

I told him harsh things as I don't know how else to knock some sense to him. I was emotional too.. I feel so bad about it though really as I was harsh..

 

We're still friends, and he says that he wants to continue his plan and support each other. If he get things together in 5 months might be together if he still wants to. I really like everything about him except his lack of a job. Which I don't even know if it's own fault (lack of effort, drive, his personality) or the ecomony's and things he can't control.

 

Really appreciate your honestly. I should work on myself to tone down the harsh things I say. And think about what I really want.. thank you!

[NopeNah]

If he's good at home rehab,why not start up a handyman type company and work for himself? He can sub contract out anything he doesn't feel comfortable doing and still make money off of that.

 

I own several different companies and this is one of my longest/prosperous ventures to date. Just a thought.

[madjac74]

 

I don't know what's wrong with him, why he took so long to renovate a house. It was a big house, a lot of work and he saved his mum tons of money. But that made him SO unemployed. He's not sleeping in, doesn't play video games and doesn't watch TV, drink or smoke. He just spent his entire year tearing down wallpaper and doing manual work at the house.

 

If you are LDR, how do you know any of this is true?

[Els]

Have you, err, met this guy?

[madjac74]

I lived with my parents for awhile after my divorce. I never thought of using the "I'm helping them renovate their house" excuse! Brilliant!

[NopeNah]

I lived with my parents for awhile after my divorce. I never thought of using the "I'm helping them renovate their house" excuse! Brilliant!

Too F'n funny!!

[justwhoiam]

If a man's value can be judged by his job, then your ex boyfriend is worth nothing.

 

I wonder if you would have taken the same decisions you took, had your ex-bf been shamelessly rich, like owing a fortune.

[kikik]

I think the problem here is more that he seems to be a guy who is completely unambitious. He has no drive, no perspective. What are his goals in life?

So he has some money to hold him over the water - but doesn't he want to DO SOMETHING?

 

I know I would find a guy without any ambition completely unattractive. So I see where you are coming from. I'd move on.