My fiancé or my son.....who is right?

[tellme4truth]

I'm a father of a 10 year old son. I moved 2 hours away from him for work and for my new finance.

I used to be extremely involved in his life. My new fiance wanted my son to live with us, but my ex and I quietly decided it was best for him to stay stable and live with her.

 

Here's my issue. My new finance loves my son, but doesn't like constraints or my traveling to see him. My ex is a terrific mom. My fiancé is very jealous of my ex and gets very upset about any changes or attention I put toward them. For example, I only pay 800 a month in child support -- my ex works and does well and we recently decided to move our son into private school. My ex said that she would just use the amount I pay in child support toward his tuition, but asked that I help with fees like uniforms, and sports activities. I said sure..

 

My new fiance is very upset by this. She pays the bills (with my money and hers...) and gets very upset if I have something "unexpected" come up. I said I needed to pay for uniforms before he goes back to school. I mentioned this last month. School starts next week. I still haven't bought it and my fiancé flipped out that she already paid bills and we don't have anything left for uniforms. She said I didn't tell her a specific date, so this is a BIG problem for her.

 

In addition, I plan to go to my son's town (2 hours away) twice this week. Tomorrow night, I want to be there of his school orientation and Friday -- I want to be there for when he gets to meet his teacher. My fiancé says that I'm traveling too much and it's extremely taxing on her for me to be gone so much.

 

She also says that we can not afford to have a small apartment in my son's town (yes we can--I make 200k a year).

 

On top of all of this, my son is about to start soccer. So every other weekend -- he needs to stay in his town for his games. My fiancé thinks he should miss his games or not be in sports, since it mandates that we have to stay over night in a hotel to spend time with my son.

 

I love my fiancé. She loves me and my son. However, this is turning into a real problem. Her response is constantly -- "why don't you just use your money and get your own place in your son's town and we will just SEE HOW THIS GOES AND IF I CAN LIVE WITH IT". Initially, I said 'okay' and she flipped out and told me that this was not what she singed up for and she refuses to do a long distance relationship.

 

Look, I NEVER stay over night in my son's town. I just make the turn around drive in the same day and typically i'm home by 8pm for dinner. IF we go to his town -- she is typically with me and we either spend the night in a hotel or return asap home.

 

In addition -- I still have a 50k a year business client who lives in my son's town (my old town) so I try to see him once a week to nurture my relationship and business with him.

 

Bottom line, I need to know if I am acting innappropriately.. She says most divorced parents do the every other weekend thing and that's it - and my consistent need to go to his town 2-3 times a week is too much for her. She says she understands -- but again, she didn't 'sign up for this'.

 

I do not want to lose my fiancé and we are supposed to get married next month! She keeps making statements like "i don't know if I can do this..." anytime I mention visiting my son...more than once a week.

 

Advice?

[JewelD]

Probably better to lose her. She, like a lot of women who get with men who already have kids, is jealous of not just your ex, but the fact that you have kids together.

 

She probably suggested your son live with you guys so you could pretend to be a unit yourselves and you wouldn't have to be away from her. If she truly cared about your son, she would have set aside money for those uniforms or at least confirmed with you before paying all of those bills. Maybe it was not intentional, but she certainly didn't care.

 

It's crazy that she's so upset about the money when I'm assuming you're the breadwinner anyway? I would suggest you start handling the money just so you can make sure you can get what you need for your son without any of her "forgetful mistakes".

 

Two hours is not a big deal. She could watch a movie, cook a meal, hang out with friends, plant a tree. You already moved 2 hours away for her. What did she expect was going to happen? Did you tell her you were only going to see your son on the weekends? You both should have discussed it before moving.

 

Regardless, she needs to get over it and accept the fact that you have a son and you're going to be in his life, which means spending time away from her sometimes. But if your relationship with your son is making her rethink the wedding, maybe you need to rethink it as well.

[basil67]

I'm seeing both sides of this really clearly. You are clearly a good father and want to spend lots of time with your son. It's great that you have such a good relationship with your ex-w too.

 

If you were local to your son, this would probably be a lot easier on your fiance. Losing you so often on a long round trip to see your son would be difficult for her to manage.

 

To me, the answer is for you and your fiance to live and work near your son. That way, you get to be there for your son and your fiance doesn't miss out too much. Is this something you and your fiance will entertain?

 

Lastly, I'd postpone the marriage. It sounds like your fiance has one foot out the door and it's not going to get any better while the both of you are living two hours away. As it stands, you're a high income earner and fiance doesn't sound like the kind of woman who will go away quietly. While divorces are crap at the best of times, you've really got a lot to lose financially.

 

Please don't marry until the two of you can reach an agreement on how this can work and meet both of your needs.

[tellme4truth]

I have tried to get her to move and she has said she would consider it -- but unless the job that she is offered is PERFECT -- she won't even consider it.

 

Her parents also live in her town (albeit 1 hour away still).... and she says she can't leave them...

 

It's just interesting that she is so worried about her parents who she barely sees once a month -- and can't understand how great it would be for me to live near my son. I could do even BETTER financially if I lived in his town --

 

During one argument over this -- she said she wouldn't do it because she felt my ex would 'win'... She keeps making this about my ex. Since she wouldn't let my son move with me -- it's been a war between them. They don't speak -- and i just hear about it non stop. So, she will not move. She says unless someone handed her a job with at least 50k raise -- she won't consider it. And she isn't exactly looking ...

[amaysngrace]

Maybe she's getting anxious because the wedding is so close. Some people panic at the thought of a major life change.

 

Is she usually this high strung or has she recently started acting this way?

[CarrieT]

Definitely postpone the wedding until this issue is dealt with...

 

And I, for one, believe she is being out of line.

[basil67]

I have tried to get her to move and she has said she would consider it -- but unless the job that she is offered is PERFECT -- she won't even consider it.

 

Her parents also live in her town (albeit 1 hour away still).... and she says she can't leave them...

 

It's just interesting that she is so worried about her parents who she barely sees once a month -- and can't understand how great it would be for me to live near my son. I could do even BETTER financially if I lived in his town --

 

During one argument over this -- she said she wouldn't do it because she felt my ex would 'win'... She keeps making this about my ex. Since she wouldn't let my son move with me -- it's been a war between them. They don't speak -- and i just hear about it non stop. So, she will not move. She says unless someone handed her a job with at least 50k raise -- she won't consider it. And she isn't exactly looking ...

 

You're further confirming that marrying your fiance would be a big mistake. Big. HUGE.

[JewelD]

I have tried to get her to move and she has said she would consider it -- but unless the job that she is offered is PERFECT -- she won't even consider it.

 

Her parents also live in her town (albeit 1 hour away still).... and she says she can't leave them...

 

It's just interesting that she is so worried about her parents who she barely sees once a month -- and can't understand how great it would be for me to live near my son. I could do even BETTER financially if I lived in his town --

 

During one argument over this -- she said she wouldn't do it because she felt my ex would 'win'... She keeps making this about my ex. Since she wouldn't let my son move with me -- it's been a war between them. They don't speak -- and i just hear about it non stop. So, she will not move. She says unless someone handed her a job with at least 50k raise -- she won't consider it. And she isn't exactly looking ...

 

Why are you considering marrying her then? She's petty as hell and doesn't care about you being a father.

 

This is a no-brainer unless you're going to cut back on your fatherly duties.

[tellme4truth]

The other issue here is money. Every dime is controlled by her and we agreed to combine finances when I moved in with her. However, we are engaged - not married as of now. I have zero in savings. She is putting all of my money and hers to her bills (including previous debt) and toward the wedding.

 

I gently said that I wanted to try splitting up finances and she went ballistic and said it was clear I didn't want to marry her and I am clearly trying to separate myself.

 

My point is -- If we hold off on the wedding -- even 6 months --- I have no money. And if I ask to separate finances it will look like even more of a separation from her and I think I would lose her.

 

She is controlling -- and i've known that. This will probably be the end of us and id on't know if I can deal with that. I love her very, very much -- I moved to be with her -- and even changed up my professional obligations to do this...

[JewelD]

The other issue here is money. Every dime is controlled by her and we agreed to combine finances when I moved in with her. However, we are engaged - not married as of now. I have zero in savings. She is putting all of my money and hers to her bills (including previous debt) and toward the wedding.

 

I gently said that I wanted to try splitting up finances and she went ballistic and said it was clear I didn't want to marry her and I am clearly trying to separate myself.

 

My point is -- If we hold off on the wedding -- even 6 months --- I have no money. And if I ask to separate finances it will look like even more of a separation from her and I think I would lose her.

 

She is controlling -- and i've known that. This will probably be the end of us and id on't know if I can deal with that. I love her very, very much -- I moved to be with her -- and even changed up my professional obligations to do this...

 

You make 200k a year and you have no savings? That's on you, man, you shouldn't have put her in control of the finances.

 

You got with a woman you knew was not a good fit for you and now you have to deal with the consequences. Point blank.

 

and I don't see how someone could fall in love with someone who did not love their child. The way she's acting, you know she doesn't love him.

[CarrieT]

Time to stop handing money over to her.

 

This is part of why there IS an engagement; to ramp up towards marriage. You are now seeing what marriage to her is going to be like and it isn't pretty.

 

Why aren't you controlling your own money? Are you even sure that the bills are being paid?

[tellme4truth]

yes, the bills are being paid. That I know -- and we both make about the same amount. HOWEVER, she is about to leave her company. It got sold and she has 30 days left of income. She wants to start her own business and is trying to take out a big business loan. She's a smart cookie and will probably do very well. But, she's banking on my money to keep us afloat.

 

If I pull out now - she will definitely be up a creek and it will look bad is so many ways. It's not my fault this happened to her, but it will look bad if I just say -- hey, good luck...let's split up our bank accounts.

 

I am a provider -- I love her and I want to provide for her -- but now every dime is about to be imperative....to her, especially.

[lolablue17]

Your fiance is clearly insecure with the existance of your Ex and son. Ye, ye, she has accepted that, she knows the deal, She's a mature woman, and knows in her mind that everybody have their package, and she loves you for who you are, bla bla bla... but yet she finds it hard to accept that in her heart. She wishes you had never been married before her, and never had a son.

 

She can't tell you that, and she may even can't admit it to herself. She is just looking for some control over you and she takes what she finds. So it comes out in different ways, for example like the bills, the appartment, the job, you name it.

 

Do you think she's fighting you now? Wait a little while. In the future she will fight hard for your mutual children to be more important to you than your previous son. What you experience now is just the promo...

[CarrieT]

But, she's banking on my money to keep us afloat.

So you are essentially going to finance her new endeavors? Do you have a pre-nup?

 

If I pull out now - she will definitely be up a creek and it will look bad is so many ways. It's not my fault this happened to her, but it will look bad if I just say -- hey, good luck...let's split up our bank accounts.

Who cares how it looks? Again, have you even considered a pre-nup? Especially if she is starting a business with your money?

 

y

I am a provider -- I love her and I want to provide for her -- but now every dime is about to be imperative....to her, especially.

You MUST address this A.S.A.P. or you will be estranged from your child and be married to someone who is milking you dry.

[BlueIris]

Wow. Your girlfriend’s fits about your spending as much time as possible with your child would be a 100% deal-breaker for me. It’s outrageous.

 

What I don't understand is why this is a choice. She is eroding your relationship with your child and HIS access and relationship with you. What does she have that is good enough to override your child's well-being and your connection with him?

 

(Obviously) I think you should tell your GF asap, right now, that she needs to get another job, that you won’t support her, that you’re taking back control of your own money, and you will be going to your son’s town and staying over.

[basil67]

but it will look bad if I just say -- hey, good luck...let's split up our bank accounts.

 

Ok, so compromise. Tell her that you need X amount of your income for your own discretionary spending.

[standtall]

Normally I don't advocate putting children in front of spouses, but you are not married to her yet. I would tell her it is the way it is, invite her to spend time with you there, and stop discussing it. Do not give her an ultimatum..just take control of your 200K a year and do it. Stop talking.

[aileD]

Run run run.

 

I know you love her and she loves you (she thinks she loves your son but she doesn't because she doesn't care what's best for him in the father son relationship department). But it's just not going to work.

 

She needs to be with someone without any previous responsibilities.

 

You are doing NOTHING wrong as far as your son is concerned. Every other weekend bull**** is common but NOT good for your son.

 

Once you have a child with this fiancé, **** is going to hit the fan even worse. She has a problem sharing you now, she doesn't see your son as family so when she has her own "family" she's going to see your son as the weekends only nuisance.

 

I'd move halfway back and see if she'll come. Don't be asking her about the money, just change your direct deposit to your own account. Transfer a set amount for bills each pay period to an account she can do the bills from if she wants.

 

Is she much younger than you?

 

This is what I worry about if my husband ends up with the 21 year old he's having an affair with.

[quankanne]

lots of red flags here, buddy, and my overall thought is this: Would you allow your friends or other family members to make these kinds of demands on you? Just because you love someone doesn't mean they get to treat you like crap, and her telling you she "loves" your child is just words -- she's not backing it up with supporting your need to be in your son's life, and as another poster pointed out, if the two of you had a child together, your son is as good as cut out of the picture, because your loyalty should be to her child, and not to the child you had with a woman she's jealous of.

 

blending families can't be easy, but it doesn't have to be hard, either.

 

as for not seeing a penny of your $200K/year job, or being given grief to even want any of it for yourself, is not a situation to be in.

 

sounds like she's got you by the cojones and using "love" to justify her manipulation, because it's all about her and her needs and wants, etc. I'd say run as fast as you can.

[kgcolonel]

OP. Stop and really think about this...

 

You're selling out as a dad. You son will only have one dad and you're that dad. What are you teaching him by moving away to chase some tail and finance your selfish finances business endeavors?

 

Seems like your values need to be re-evaluated back to family values!!

 

Your only a means to finance her business everything you have written reflects that she is worried here money train will eject.

 

Give you kid a fighting chance and return to where he lives and be a dad and get involved in his life.

[CarrieT]

You're selling out as a dad. You son will only have one dad and you're that dad. What are you teaching him by moving away to chase some tail and finance your selfish finances business endeavors?

Repeated for emphasis.

 

Be the father and role-model that you want your child to emulate. What if your grown child came to you and explained that his partner was keeping your son away from him and you, as a grandparent?

[aileD]

Originally Posted by kgcolonel View Post

You're selling out as a dad. You son will only have one dad and you're that dad. What are you teaching him by moving away to chase some tail and finance your selfish finances business endeavors?

 

Repeated yet again for emphasis

[road]

Definitely postpone the wedding until this issue is dealt with...

 

And I, for one, believe she is being out of line.

 

No cancel it.

[grays]

I think it's just plain horrible that she'd try to get you to be less involved with your kid. Totally not ok in my book. It sounds really selfish and juvenile. And ita with the poster who said you're really gonna be in trouble if you have a child together. I am sure she'll expect you to put child number teo's needs above those of your older son. You should get out.

[tellme4truth]

yes and honestly we have very strange fights too. I feel so uneasy about things —thinking it’s my fault.

 

Take for tonight for example. i said I needed to work tonight. she mentioned that there was a concert in the area. we live near the concert venue. she seemed to want to go. Again, I said I think i’m gonna have to work and it’s raining….

 

she said okay…then around the time we went to dinner..she said that we should see if there were cheap tickets… last minute. I said okay — but I should really work — she said okay.

 

as soon as we got the restaurant — ehe said that whe was going to walk over and see if she could get tickets. Ok? I reluctantly said “okay"

 

MY FAULT --- I SHOULD HAVE SAID NO!!!!!

 

I said very meekly…okay — but I need to work..

 

Well she got there and bought tickets. she texted me that she had AMAZING tickets and asked if I wanted them…I said…whatever you want….I do need to work tonight, though

 

And when she came back — she said if I had a problem with it —and really needed to work — I really should have been stronger about saying no. She IS right. BUT, COME ON!

 

So then at dinner ..she said she didn’t like my mood. that i seemed annoyed and it was a real “problem’ for her.

 

we ended up going to the concert and I made a point to dance and have a good point — she kept telling me she expected me to be a real ‘problem’

 

As soon as we got out — (I thought it was fine) she said driving through the parking lot that I should have not have gone through an area that was blocked off.. I said it was fine .. — because of a state law. I reminded her about my law firm that I work for — and how we just exposed a loophole in the law that says this….it was a big news story for my firm.

 

She blew up ad told me that I was ‘impossible’ and that she can’t imagine being with a more ‘difficult person’ and that I am just ‘one problem after another’.

 

I said — despite the fact I needed to work — I thought we had a great night???

 

She said — no that I was just drinking and that I was just a mess. I had 2 drinks at the concert! Same as her! She said that she can’t believe how impossible I am….and that life with me is just “one big drama”

 

I am stunned… I just came home. Now trying to do the work I said I would all night… again I should have not gone to the concert but I wanted to make her happy.. Why is she so mean tonight?

 

Did I do something wrong here? I’m just so confused???