You Loved, But Been Broken Up With

[WonderKid]

For those who been in love and did nothing very wrong or drastic, but got broken up with. You rendered yourself vulnerable. How long it take for you to get through it? And were you able to be vulnerable like that again? Did it effect your dating style? And did you do anything differently?

[somecamel]

I don't think I'd ever let myself be vulnerable again with a girl.

 

I've been in love twice in my life and both times the girl cheated on me.

 

I'm coming up for 3 years split since the last one and I'd say 'I'm through' the initial hurt but life is always about learning and making sure you don't make the same mistakes.

 

It's definitely affected my dating style, I don't give too much away anymore, however this tends to make my relationships since very short. I don't think I've dated anyone since for longer than 3 months.

 

Once bitten, twice shy and all that jazz

[joyful]

For those who been in love and did nothing very wrong or drastic, but got broken up with. You rendered yourself vulnerable. How long it take for you to get through it? And were you able to be vulnerable like that again? Did it effect your dating style? And did you do anything differently?

 

it can take a long time to trust again, and some people never do.

 

i find that i have a lot less patience with red flags and a lot more interest in being happy on my own.

[WonderKid]

Thanks for the insights. Looks tougher than you see on a broadway movie or TV show or something like that.

[smudge21]

Depends on how much I invest in them, not just time but also personal life. How much I let them in and open up, trust them and respect them. That's the hardest part, when you truly, deeply not only love someone but trust and respect them that you share everything with them and start seeing a wonderful, honest, caring future with them. Then it all gets thrown back in your face and, no matter how the break up, they basically destroy all that trust and respect. We can all feel love again for someone, either through looks or personality, but to get that trust and respect can be the tough. You've let your guard down, let someone in totally, and been destroyed. The idea of trusting someone again with all that power is a big ask. So yeah for me, coming out of something about 6 months ago, I know full well that it will take me much longer to really truly trust and respect someone again.

[WonderKid]

My mom told me not to let people of the past change who I am. Though I agree, but in some characteristics that is easier said than done. It seems like whatever they did to harm your heart you carry it with you indirectly hurting the next person.

 

And for me it feels natural. Like, if I go on dating again, and I see a red flag, I instantly put my guards up. Even if that flag is something we could work on. There's folks on here who been together like 10 yrs and their partner decides to just wake up the next day and break it off. I'd be torn if I rendered myself vulnerable for that to just happen.

But I stand by my motto, Trust is built not given.

Now I know how it feels to completely open yourself and get abandoned somehow I admit it may effect my dating life in the future. Maybe time can heal it?

[DramaInPajamas]

For those who been in love and did nothing very wrong or drastic, but got broken up with. You rendered yourself vulnerable. How long it take for you to get through it? And were you able to be vulnerable like that again? Did it effect your dating style? And did you do anything differently?

 

It hasnt been a conscious choice but after this happened to me a few years ago. everyone I have been out with since has casually dated me with no commitment and I tolerate it.

 

I do wonder if I subconsciously am scared to be close.

[maryquitecontrary]

For those who been in love and did nothing very wrong or drastic, but got broken up with. You rendered yourself vulnerable. How long it take for you to get through it? And were you able to be vulnerable like that again? Did it effect your dating style? And did you do anything differently?

 

I fell into the deepest love with my last serious bf-- deeper than my ex husband and father of my child. I gave it my absolute best. I spent time with him at every opportunity, was very affectionate, and tried my best to make him feel wanted and appreciated. I could feel when he started slipping away 8 months into the relationship.

 

About a month before he had been discussing marrying me and having kids. Now he was distant and acted like he didn't really care if I came over anymore. I asked him if I wasn't giving him something that he needed and he said "no". Low and behold I soon caught him cheating with a married coworker. I was devastated. I mean, maybe I would understand if we had been having problems or if I wasn't putting out or being affectionate, but we had what I thought was the perfect relationship. It was the best relationship I had ever had in my whole life. I felt completely blind-sided.

 

I loved this guy so much that I put my own feelings aside and told him that I wanted to be friends. We continued to hang out as friends for several weeks. We went to an all day music festival that I had purchased tickets for months in advance. That was the last day I ever saw him. He never again responded to texts or calls and he blocked me on facebook.

 

I could understand if he didn't want to date me anymore, but to kick me completely out of his life without warning and without explanation or a goodbye meant to me that I was nothing to him. He was everything to me and I didn't mean a damn thing to him. That was a hard pill to swallow. I hated men after that.

 

I lost my belief in love. I started seeing guys, sleeping with them once or twice and then ghosting on them. I wanted to hurt them. I felt broken and I trusted no one. I thought all of them were just liars and using me.

 

It took me a full year to get over that heartache and really the thing that did it was I fell for another guy somewhat. I'm not in love with him and we only talk a few times a week now, but at one point I liked him enough that I wanted to move on and be in love again-- as soon as I find the right guy.

[WonderKid]

I do wonder if I subconsciously am scared to be close.

 

Great question!

[BettyDraper]

I learned that the one who cares less has all the power. I also learned how dangerous vulnerability can be and how to protect myself from being hurt. I started dating more than one man at a time until I was exclusive with the one I liked the best. I also learned to run away quickly as soon as I saw certain red flags so that I wouldn't end up becoming attached to the wrong person.

[WonderKid]

I fell into the deepest love with my last serious bf-- deeper than my ex husband and father of my child. I gave it my absolute best. I spent time with him at every opportunity, was very affectionate, and tried my best to make him feel wanted and appreciated. I could feel when he started slipping away 8 months into the relationship.

 

About a month before he had been discussing marrying me and having kids. Now he was distant and acted like he didn't really care if I came over anymore. I asked him if I wasn't giving him something that he needed and he said "no". Low and behold I soon caught him cheating with a married coworker. I was devastated. I mean, maybe I would understand if we had been having problems or if I wasn't putting out or being affectionate, but we had what I thought was the perfect relationship. It was the best relationship I had ever had in my whole life. I felt completely blind-sided.

I loved this guy so much that I put my own feelings aside and told him that I wanted to be friends. We continued to hang out as friends for several weeks. We went to an all day music festival that I had purchased tickets for months in advance. That was the last day I ever saw him. He never again responded to texts or calls and he blocked me on facebook.

 

I could understand if he didn't want to date me anymore, but to kick me completely out of his life without warning and without explanation or a goodbye meant to me that I was nothing to him. He was everything to me and I didn't mean a damn thing to him. That was a hard pill to swallow. I hated men after that.

I lost my belief in love. I started seeing guys, sleeping with them once or twice and then ghosting on them. I wanted to hurt them. I felt broken and I trusted no one. I thought all of them were just liars and using me.

 

It took me a full year to get over that heartache and really the thing that did it was I fell for another guy somewhat. I'm not in love with him and we only talk a few times a week now, but at one point I liked him enough that I wanted to move on and be in love again-- as soon as I find the right guy.

 

Those bold words are significant things I've felt. Like when I was in the RS, the first months were bliss. But then the later months prior to the breakup, my GF was distant and didn't care much of what we did.

 

For my own protection I decided not to be her friend because I couldn't fathom seeing her entertain other guys. But since then I've gotten nothing from her. She told me, we can be friends because I do love you and value your company

I didn't listen to that. You don't love me. You loved the idea of me and you care about me.

 

In your case, if I ran into and you told me that story I wouldn't be surprised you hated guys. We are all human. It happens. When one hurts our heart, we carry it has a weapon or defense mechanism for the next.

[WonderKid]

I learned that the one who cares less has all the power. I also learned how dangerous vulnerability can be and how to protect myself from being hurt. I started dating more than one man at a time until I was exclusive with the one I liked the best. I also learned to run away quickly as soon as I saw certain red flags so that I wouldn't end up becoming attached to the wrong person.

 

In my last two RS the red flags were unnoticeable for me. Like, now that I look back, I know what to defend myself from now.

[BettyDraper]

In my last two RS the red flags were unnoticeable for me. Like, now that I look back, I know what to defend myself from now.

 

Good for you. Make a list of your dealbreakers and stick to them.

[Amelie1980]

Still not over it now. It has been too long.

[duncsvoice]

After my first long term relationship ended, I was so desperate to get back in to another one, love and be loved, and was terrified of being alone I tried to force it through with anyone who gave me a sniff - looking back on it now, I cringe.

 

After my last relationship ended (which was ostensibly abusive) I am reluctant to let anyone in. I'm disinterested in letting anyone 'in'. I've probably walked away from some great girls, but I've been changed. Perhaps for the better, perhaps for the worse. There was a girl recently who I really began to like, but when I realised I was starting to have feelings I cooled right down. Sucks, but it is what it is.

[Gaeta]

For those who been in love and did nothing very wrong or drastic, but got broken up with. You rendered yourself vulnerable. How long it take for you to get through it? And were you able to be vulnerable like that again? Did it effect your dating style? And did you do anything differently?

 

In 2004 I ended a relationship of 4 years. It turned into a personal trip down to hell. I went into a long 'hate men' phase and that was followed by 10 years single.

 

Yes I can love again, I can be vulnerable again, I can trust and be fully invest in a relationship BUT I know deep down no one can ever hurt me the way I was hurt back in 2004.

 

It has nothing to do with not being open and not really giving myself, no, it's because I grew out of that heartbreak. I turned it into something that solidified me, not making me more fragile.

[JDPT]

For me, my last breakup put a ton into perspective. I was no angel and wasn't sure if she was one either but we both had our fair share at the relationship going south. I realized that regardless of how "wonderful" and "perfect" and "in love" you are in a relationship that nothing is guaranteed. And things can change at any moment, I don't live thinking oh damn she can break up with me any minute but I've realized that I will be ok and will be able to stand on my two feet if a relationship ends.

 

This past relationship has also made more more vigilant in terms of acknowledging clues from women and red flags as they call it I'm not so keen to jump into things like I used to even sex. I keep my guard up and observe rather than give give and give. In due time you'll realize that we all have issues, ALL of us do and it's a matter of realizing how many of the other individual's "flaws" you are willing to work with.

[Brknbtstrng73]

I fell into the deepest love with my last serious bf-- deeper than my ex husband and father of my child. I gave it my absolute best. I spent time with him at every opportunity, was very affectionate, and tried my best to make him feel wanted and appreciated. I could feel when he started slipping away 8 months into the relationship.

 

About a month before he had been discussing marrying me and having kids. Now he was distant and acted like he didn't really care if I came over anymore. I asked him if I wasn't giving him something that he needed and he said "no". Low and behold I soon caught him cheating with a married coworker. I was devastated. I mean, maybe I would understand if we had been having problems or if I wasn't putting out or being affectionate, but we had what I thought was the perfect relationship. It was the best relationship I had ever had in my whole life. I felt completely blind-sided.

 

I loved this guy so much that I put my own feelings aside and told him that I wanted to be friends. We continued to hang out as friends for several weeks. We went to an all day music festival that I had purchased tickets for months in advance. That was the last day I ever saw him. He never again responded to texts or calls and he blocked me on facebook.

 

I could understand if he didn't want to date me anymore, but to kick me completely out of his life without warning and without explanation or a goodbye meant to me that I was nothing to him. He was everything to me and I didn't mean a damn thing to him. That was a hard pill to swallow. I hated men after that.

 

I lost my belief in love. I started seeing guys, sleeping with them once or twice and then ghosting on them. I wanted to hurt them. I felt broken and I trusted no one. I thought all of them were just liars and using me.

 

It took me a full year to get over that heartache and really the thing that did it was I fell for another guy somewhat. I'm not in love with him and we only talk a few times a week now, but at one point I liked him enough that I wanted to move on and be in love again-- as soon as I find the right guy.

 

 

I definitely know how you feel. I was 25 years old when I fell in love for the first time. I loved this man more then my ex fiance and I was 23 when I was engaged. I was with the man I loved for almost 2 years and he damn near destroyed me. To be honest I have no idea why he was heartless and cold towards me during our breakup. I never lied to him, cheated on him, hell I bent over backwards for him. I never understood why he choose to hurt me as much as he did until recently. I reached out to him for closure about 10 months ago. He told me he didn't know why he did the things he did, just that he could and he wanted too. That to him I was nothing.

 

That broke my heart more but I understood hes a broken man that's miserable. And you know the saying, misery loves company. This experience has been a painful one, but a learning lesson. In all honesty, it has changed me. I don't hate men, just feel like I can't trust them and none have good intentions. As for dating I don't care too and I am very content alone. I think this is because I am jaded. I hope this faze doesn't last forever. I still believe in love, just too hurt to pursue it.

[WonderKid]

I definitely think my last breakup was a learning experience. I just wanted to see other's experiences on processing it. Or maybe even coping. I'm pretty sure later down the line I will even be stronger. I can still hold myself together thank goodness--because many I have seen fall apart from this.

I'm thankful for the will and integrity I have. But overall I'm still a human with a big heart. My heart is still the same size. It's just the wall has become more dense to protect it.

 

JDPT was right; anything can happen at anytime--and I knew this, but also feared it. Never been in that kind of love or serious RS before. I feel like if I would've stayed friends with her, I would've been in emotional peril. I'm glad I had the awareness to avoid that where many would not have. Actually it was that NC Guide on here that helped.

 

I just cannot see how people date a wonderful man/woman, and just decide to up and leave them for no concrete reason.

 

Hopefully this makes me not fall to hard in the future. And hopefully if I ever find that true woman she'll be just a little more patient with me.

[RoseHeart]

I've had many heartbreaks in my life already include several ones during my life at uni. The thing is, the more you go through being dumped, used or anything else, you become stronger and stronger (well at least I felt that way). It has taken anything from years to months for me to move on after being dumped. Last year I'd consider the guy I was with as my "first love" and he also left me after 6 ish months but I really felt strongly about him. When he left me, I cried straight for the entire night and my parents had to come fetch me from my apartment as they were worried about me. I really thought that THIS breakup I'll never recover from. I was convinced that despite my experiences with heartbreaks, this one will forever be different and I'll never recover.

 

Little did I know that a few mere months later, I'd meet the guy I'm with now 8 months and counting, who just blew me away from day 1. The minute I met my boyfriend, it was like I got it. I go WHY it never worked out with my previous ex and my feelings just faded so drastically that before I knew it, was happily in a new relationship and the love I see my partner has for me, has made me trust him and make myself vulnerable again with no problems. Sometimes meeting another person who you are more destined to be with, will heal you.