opinions needed! will i get her back

[louismc55]

So in october 2015 i met this girl (18 at the time). So stunning from the moment i met her it felt like we had this connection. She told me she had recently broken up with her boyfriend of 3 years. Without going into detail it was a toxic relationship in her words and they were always breaking up and getting back together. It turns out they were on a break and i was the reason she split up with him for good.

 

Now clearly i am a rebound but it gets a little complicated. We got very attached very quickly and within 22 days we decided to start a relationship because we felt so strong! For 2 months would meet at my house around 8 and have our tea together then we would watch a film and go to sleep and then we would spend our day at uni and then repeat.

 

Around January i noticed some changes. she was distant and didnt seem to really make any effort. Then out of the blue she called it a day. We had a little problem in the bedroom department and she said she feels she rushed the relationship. We agreed to give each other space and it took about a month to sort it all out. 2 weeks later i find out she had been messaging her ex and wanting him back. i was fuming and she didnt flinch until i went in my wardrobe and got her clothes and threw it on the bed and said get out! "i cant be with you" I saw her face drop and she burst into tears saying how sorry she was. it turns out they hadnt spoke in the 2 weeks we got together and during them 2 weeks it felt like i had my girlfriend back. she blocked anybody she had a romantic connection with and deleted snapchat so i could trust here. I have her a second chance.

 

She became a brilliant girlfriend apart from we always argued. it came from me not trusting her. she is a natural flirty girl and sometimes she didnt know had done it and id tell her, but she got clingy and didnt believe that i loved her and it became a real battle. I had to be texting her 24/7 or shed go mad. But we would spend time together and it would be unreal. She would make so much effort to prove to me, including a 600 pound trip to london which is a lot of money for a university money who works once a week. She made sure i knew i was loved.

 

Cut a long story shorter i guess... I had a 3 week holiday booked and she was terrified i was going to meet someone else. We always argued because of it and i spent many nights comforting her at like 3 am. She was terrified and had really bad anxiety about it. So when i was away she would argue over little things like what time i got in and stuff. i was pushed away because she was so needy and it was alot to take because i was hurting still over what had happened. i came back and she was different again. She was avoiding meeting me and making excuses and was speaking to these lads at work a lot. She told me but i was always snooping and became controlling and very insecure. it pushed her away and she decided to call it quits saying she needed to be single to find herself. we ended on good terms but i was hurting because 3 days later she is on tinder. i went mad and her response was i am single. she shown no emotion and lacked empathy towards me. She went from being obsessed to not being obsessed. She is young and struggles with her emotions and i believe suffers from a few disorders. I tried to make her jealous and she called my bluff and went mad, i replied and she apologised the next morning and sent a long message saying that she wants to be civil and she is there if i need her and how im the best thing that ever happened to her. Im very confused....

 

i cant tell if:

1) I was always a rebound (which is probably the case)

2) If this is just her thing because she has learnt bad habits and when things get tough she runs and then comes back like she did with her previous

3) If she wants to reconnect with me but has to experience being single until she is ready

4) Is it over for good

 

She is very complicated and is always has strong emotions. she can be loving uni for months and then wanting to drop out a few months later. the same with work friends and her relationships. She is a great girl but is prone to making mistakes and so have i. ive decided im going to live my life with no contact until in a months time when we are back at uni and maybe drop her a text. I dont want to give up but i just wanted to hear some views. thanks! all messages will be appreciated

Edited August 15, 2016 by louismc55
title was spelt wrong

[benpom]

When she picks a fight with you, she is mirroring her inner thoughts and projecting them on you. Think back about what were the reason of fights, you can understand her struggles from there. Fights are not necessarily bad things, if you know how to decipher the messages.

 

This is my guess, because I used to be like that.

 

I used to pick fights with my SO. Because of some mistrust issue he created, I always feared he still had feelings for someone else. But I later realized that I was projecting my logic onto him. I still had good memories of my ex, so I feared he must be doing the same.

 

I wanted to get my ex out of my head and connect more with my SO. When I was picking fights with him, I was unconsciously fighting against part of me, the part that could not completely let go of the past.

 

My SO and I did not have good communication, so there was the missing void of emotional connection. When he could not fill the void, the good times of ex would come back to my head. But on the other hand, I made a decision to be with my SO, so I wanted my world to be just him, no one else. So I tried to push ex out of my head. The thing is that I could not defeat an unconscious response, so this internal struggle of myself made me very moody.

 

Thinking back, the solution to me was to not be too hard on myself and to open up and to talk to my SO instead of beating up myself and punishing him for past transgression. If my SO did not do things that create mistrust in the beginning, I would have been more comfortable talking to him, and our problems would not have been there. My SO and I both had the key to a good relationship, but neither of us used the key wisely, and so our relationship sadly ended after 10 years of ups and downs.

 

Great communication is hard to master. One needs to be good at expressing, being considerate, being non-defensive, being able to ask the right questions, and being able to decipher messages from someone who does not open up.

 

She seems to have lots of inner struggles. This is an obstacle for you, but also an opportunity.

[Satu]

Never begin a relationship before you've completely moved on from the last one.

 

Also, never begin a relationship with someone who hasn't completely moved on from their last one.

 

 

Take care.

[tndawg]

Wow! I got tired reading that. lol Do you think a relationship built upon little trust is worth pursuing? Do you see yourself with this person long term? What can you do, if anything, to build trust between you two?

[louismc55]

When she picks a fight with you, she is mirroring her inner thoughts and projecting them on you. Think back about what were the reason of fights, you can understand her struggles from there. Fights are not necessarily bad things, if you know how to decipher the messages.

 

This is my guess, because I used to be like that.

 

I used to pick fights with my SO. Because of some mistrust issue he created, I always feared he still had feelings for someone else. But I later realized that I was projecting my logic onto him. I still had good memories of my ex, so I feared he must be doing the same.

 

I wanted to get my ex out of my head and connect more with my SO. When I was picking fights with him, I was unconsciously fighting against part of me, the part that could not completely let go of the past.

 

My SO and I did not have good communication, so there was the missing void of emotional connection. When he could not fill the void, the good times of ex would come back to my head. But on the other hand, I made a decision to be with my SO, so I wanted my world to be just him, no one else. So I tried to push ex out of my head. The thing is that I could not defeat an unconscious response, so this internal struggle of myself made me very moody.

 

Thinking back, the solution to me was to not be too hard on myself and to open up and to talk to my SO instead of beating up myself and punishing him for past transgression. If my SO did not do things that create mistrust in the beginning, I would have been more comfortable talking to him, and our problems would not have been there. My SO and I both had the key to a good relationship, but neither of us used the key wisely, and so our relationship sadly ended after 10 years of ups and downs.

 

Great communication is hard to master. One needs to be good at expressing, being considerate, being non-defensive, being able to ask the right questions, and being able to decipher messages from someone who does not open up.

 

She seems to have lots of inner struggles. This is an obstacle for you, but also an opportunity.

 

That really has helped me understand her. we both have anxiety and trust issues so it can be a strain. I will do anything to adjust to match her needs but What can i do to win her back. I am doing no contact although i broke it today but i was thinking 30 days no contact and a casual message seeing how she was. what do you think?

[louismc55]

Wow! I got tired reading that. lol Do you think a relationship built upon little trust is worth pursuing? Do you see yourself with this person long term? What can you do, if anything, to build trust between you two?

 

The thing is part of me can see so much potential in here. if she was in a better place she would be perfect but she isnt at that place. i find it hard to let go because i adore this girl and i know if we never got back together id always think of her as the one that got away. Maybe i love her too much. But i am willing to work on those trust issues and if she isnt then i will not be persuing getting her back

[benpom]

I think if you want someone / something, you should pursue him / her / it. Live a life with no regret.

 

You should not enter a marriage without good trust, but don't give up a relationship just because there is not enough trust. Trust is something to be built over time, not something required to start a relationship. I think the bottom line should be: if you can not build solid trust over a good amount of time, then it's time to give up.

 

When two people are comfortable telling each other secrets, desires and weaknesses you don't want other people to see, that's when you know you have good trust.

 

What you can do is to encourage her to vent out her frustrations, and assure her that you don't judge her, criticize her, get angry at her, or withdraw from her (silent treatment) and also truly apply them to actions. Some of the truth might hurt you and you need to be prepared mentally if you want to go this way. Also don't jump into conclusions and don't make accusations. Apply this to your words, actions, and more importantly, your mindset. Not just she will like you better, everyone around you will like you better.

 

I wish my soon-to-be ex did not withdraw from me very time we had arguments. I also wish I did not judge him, criticize him or get angry at him easily in the past. If I learned this wisdom earlier, I believe my relationship could have been great. On the other hand, if I did not lose my SO, I may never have learned this lesson.

Edited August 16, 2016 by benpom
editing