If you moved or changed jobs after the A

[MidnightBlue1980]

I had an A for 5 months, it was over in Dec. I knew him for 2 years prior and due to circumstances beyond my control, I had to continue to see him weekly. Those circumstances are changing in the fall and I can start to put a plan together to change things, so I will never see him again.

 

Seeing him weekly has been extremely tough and prevented me from moving on. There has been a lot of back on forth emotionally and my mind is never quiet. I cry a lot.

 

I feel a huge sense of regret towards my husband - not appreciating what I had and how I almost trashed my whole life - and a massive feeling of being a stupid idiot, used and manipulated with words of love by someone for their own enjoyment. I am not a victim, I own what I did but I can't shake the feeling of being used and ending up as collateral damage in xMM's life, tossed aside like a piece of garbage.

 

Making a change is a big thing though and there are financial implications. My husband is aware of everything and wants me to not make big decisions over emotional reasons. That said, he certainly does not want me with him forever, he wants me to feel better, he just wants it to be my decision for positive reasons, not because I can't get over it. He feels if I run, so to speak, I will recreate this same scenario in my life. He said it's like a lesson I must learn or test I must pass.

 

If you took the steps to change your job, location, etc. did it help you move on? Did you feel better?

 

I post this realizing that people who feel better, are probably not on LS.

 

Added - my husband wants me to leave, he just wants it to be because I want to, not because I can't get over some guy. Not sure I am making sense.

Edited August 15, 2016 by MidnightBlue1980

[road]

You want the affair to stay finished then you must have NC so you need to leave that job ASAP.

 

 

This has nothing to do with what anyone wants. It is all about what is needed.

 

 

Remember there is a difference between a want and a need.

[privategal]

Midnight I rarely rarely post here ever anymore but felt the need to chime in here.

I too felt used and then dropped and moved 10 hours away to an exciting fresh start, a new city, new job.

XAP in my final days got an invite to going away party from a friend of a friend (NOT me) and proceeded to chase friendship, pursue emailing and calling once I moved away....the thing is...He was chasing but I was willing to be caught.

And in the end....after I got a beautiful place to live, my dream job that I spent 5 long years pursuing, he dropped me coldly again, after MANY times before.

So instead of my fresh new city and new adventures and jobs, I spent months crying, going on antidepressants and feeling alone in my new start.

I've now been in STRICT NC for almost 5 months and I'm NEVER going back.

I wanted a clean fresh start and to move on and I played into that friend card BIG time and it hurt me and I can only blame myself as I desperately wanted to pack my bags and leave this all behind but instead I carried the whole mess with me to a new city, and therefore the grief too.

If you leave, leave 100%, leave not one Avenue open and take the fresh start as an opportunity to close the door forever. Burn the bridge, change your number, close your email, just do it right.

[Jammydodger7]

Hi midnight, I'm in a similar position but as a single OW, working closely with him every day...the limbo that we are stuck in in between finding a new job and ending the A is excruciating and my Xmm uses it a perfect way of trying to reel me back in. I hope you can be strong enough to avoid this. But I do truly believe that the only way forward is NC - if that means you leaving them I wish you luck. Sorry I couldn't give you any proper advice, I hope, for all our sakes, that leaving work helps - and I'm sure it will do, but please make sure he has no way in after you leave - at least for a year or two xxx

[Jammydodger7]

Midnight I rarely rarely post here ever anymore but felt the need to chime in here.

I too felt used and then dropped and moved 10 hours away to an exciting fresh start, a new city, new job.

XAP in my final days got an invite to going away party from a friend of a friend (NOT me) and proceeded to chase friendship, pursue emailing and calling once I moved away....the thing is...He was chasing but I was willing to be caught.

And in the end....after I got a beautiful place to live, my dream job that I spent 5 long years pursuing, he dropped me coldly again, after MANY times before.

So instead of my fresh new city and new adventures and jobs, I spent months crying, going on antidepressants and feeling alone in my new start.

I've now been in STRICT NC for almost 5 months and I'm NEVER going back.

I wanted a clean fresh start and to move on and I played into that friend card BIG time and it hurt me and I can only blame myself as I desperately wanted to pack my bags and leave this all behind but instead I carried the whole mess with me to a new city, and therefore the grief too.

If you leave, leave 100%, leave not one Avenue open and take the fresh start as an opportunity to close the door forever. Burn the bridge, change your number, close your email, just do it right.

 

Privategal, I'm really sorry this happened to you. I know how devastating it can be to lose your fresh start. Keep your chin up and stay strong. And remember that you will love again - someone better and whole x

[MidnightBlue1980]

Midnight I rarely rarely post here ever anymore but felt the need to chime in here.

I too felt used and then dropped and moved 10 hours away to an exciting fresh start, a new city, new job.

XAP in my final days got an invite to going away party from a friend of a friend (NOT me) and proceeded to chase friendship, pursue emailing and calling once I moved away....the thing is...He was chasing but I was willing to be caught.

And in the end....after I got a beautiful place to live, my dream job that I spent 5 long years pursuing, he dropped me coldly again, after MANY times before.

So instead of my fresh new city and new adventures and jobs, I spent months crying, going on antidepressants and feeling alone in my new start.

I've now been in STRICT NC for almost 5 months and I'm NEVER going back.

I wanted a clean fresh start and to move on and I played into that friend card BIG time and it hurt me and I can only blame myself as I desperately wanted to pack my bags and leave this all behind but instead I carried the whole mess with me to a new city, and therefore the grief too.

If you leave, leave 100%, leave not one Avenue open and take the fresh start as an opportunity to close the door forever. Burn the bridge, change your number, close your email, just do it right.

 

Thank you for sharing. The bolded part above is exactly what I needed to read. You are correct, he has been trying the friends card since the PA ended and it's been confusing and upsetting to me.

 

I am currently not having any communication with him and I will keep it like that 100%, then when I leave, it will be about me doing something for myself and my marriage and not my running away from him.

 

I can do it.

[privategal]

My only saving grace is that I'm STILL 10 hours away and he and I don't have memories here. But I wish every day that the final goodbye in my old city where he lived was the LAST communication. I'm so MAD AT myself that I tainted this new beautiful fresh start with old baggage.

I'd be totally 100% indifferent and moved on by now.

It really hurt because in a new place you already feel alone and vulnerable and homesick at first so he built himself into my days, became even more connected and a trillion ILY IMY then....poof. he said "time to close this chapter and turn the page" 15 years later, just like that and I will NEVER speak to him again. A train wreck of push/pull using, hot/cold manipulation and I bought it for a LONG time and accepted cruel treatment and felt mortified and humiliated many times but my self esteem was too far gone at that point to say enough is enough.

It took him doing this one final time for me to GET a spine.

It's the point of NO return and I am almost back to normal except a few dark days or some stupid random tears.

 

If you get to make a major job change or move, please let that be the catalyst to end forever. Xo

[Grey Cloud]

I agree with everyone else. My xmm changed jobs end of February and we were in strict NC for a month before we were back in contact as "friends". I missed him so much that I was willing to accept any form of friendship and for 4 months we were probably in an EA. met up once and we slept together. It just goes to show that you can't remain friends or in LC. During this period I felt anxious all the time, had trouble sleeping and analysed everything he said. Things just weren't the same as before and I slowly started to see everything for what it was - toxic, manipulative etc.

 

Am back in strict NC approaching 4 weeks. It is SO much easier that I don't have to see him. I am no longer friends with him on FB so I know nothing about what is going on with his life. I can feel my strength returning and I am feeling more back to normal.

 

Midnight, this is your chance to fully shut the door and never look back. Once you don't have to see him never invite him back into your life in any way. It's the only way forwards. It's the only way you will heal. I know for a fact that if I was still seeing my xmm at work I would still be a hopeless mess.

[BluesPower]

The thing that you have to realize is that there should be nothing to difficult for you to do, to continue to prove to your husband that the A is over and that you love him only.

 

 

You did tell him, right?

[Lady2163]

Never with a MM, but I have two horrible ex boyfriends who trampled me and I moved away from and disappeared.

 

It can be amazingly freeing to delete them from your lives. Neither of them were tech savvy, so all it really took was changing my phone number, making it unlisted and moving. For one of them I stayed in the area and I never felt truly camoflaged until I bought a new car two years after we broke up.

 

To be honest, with the other one, I went through the disappearing stage and just last year after 14 years of being hidden an inaccessible, I friended a mutual acquatience on Facebook. I have no doubts that she runs back to him with every post I make, but the thing is: I truly don't care. I don't censor my Facebook posts. The opposite of love isn't hate, it is indifference.

 

The reason I had to hide myself was because it was eating me alive and honestly slowly killing me waiting for them to call or hoping they would show up. One of them used to call me at 10:00 PM. A platonic male friend who knew this (and wanted more than a platonic friendship) started calling me at 10:00 PM. This was before caller ID. So, after about three times of the phone ringing at 10:00 PM and having it be the platonic friend, I burst into tears. I told him that I knew he was trying to be more, but those few seconds of hope when the phone rang were so destructive.

 

The hope as agony. For so long my only happy time of the day right before I was fully awake. I would lie in bed and think, "I've got to page X". X would then call with my 'good morning' phone call. But, we were over, so the reality was there was no one to page, no one to call back, no one who cared, no one who EVER cared.

 

No contact wasn't enough. I needed contact from them to be impossible.

 

I consider both my attitudes to be steps in the right direction. Both the disappearing act and the indifference.

 

The one I'm indifferent to is an alcoholic. I anticipate someday he's going to attempt to summon me via the mutual friend. It's going to cost him a lot of money upfront (it's a plane ride and hotel stay) and he will get exactly one hour of my time.

 

And I'm totally fine if he doesn't reach steps 8 or 9.

[MidnightBlue1980]

The thing that you have to realize is that there should be nothing to difficult for you to do, to continue to prove to your husband that the A is over and that you love him only.

 

 

You did tell him, right?

 

Yes. He knows every sorted detail. For whatever reason he chose to stay. He refused to leave. He watched me cry for months and talk about suicide. He knows it all.

[Adoraxx]

Thanks for posting this thread, Midnight!!! This of course applies to my situation too

 

And thank you , privategal and Grey for reminding us/ me to make it a clean break!!!!

[Gloria_Smellons]

Just because a decision is being made over emotional reasons - doesn't mean it's not valid.

 

I'm not a fan of knee jerk reactions to things, but this sounds like something you've thought a lot about.

 

Yes it's based on emotion, but so what? You are doing what you need to do to get to an emotionally healthier place - how can that be a 'wrong' step?

[NewLeaf512]

I did and it was the best thing I did.

 

My only regret was I did it emotionally and almost tanked my career. Plan it first.

[inappfriendly]

Fleeing the scene is honestly the BEST thing for you to do, regardless of the driving force behind your exit! In my case, the opposite occured. xMM and family moved out of our neighborhood. I know his W orchestrated the change in locale as a measure of self-preservation for her family. And for him. Being LC (not speaking but seeing each other at our kids' school and around town) was wearing everyone down. The effects were visible and heartbreaking. Even though the A was long over, I cried a lot after they left. Echoing your sentiment from another thread, I could see them starting fresh in a new home, stronger as a couple after facing the aftermath of the A head-on. I imagine him happy and free. No longer being monitored like a child in time out. It hurts to think I am the one left here, still stuck in this physical space, surrounded by the memories. Hoping they fade for me as I am sure they have for him. This is my perpetual penance. And it sucks. So run away, MB! Far and fast. Those steps will bring you so much further down your path towards healing.

[road]

Fleeing the scene is honestly the BEST thing for you to do, regardless of the driving force behind your exit! In my case, the opposite occured. xMM and family moved out of our neighborhood. I know his W orchestrated the change in locale as a measure of self-preservation for her family. And for him. Being LC (not speaking but seeing each other at our kids' school and around town) was wearing everyone down. The effects were visible and heartbreaking. Even though the A was long over, I cried a lot after they left. Echoing your sentiment from another thread, I could see them starting fresh in a new home, stronger as a couple after facing the aftermath of the A head-on. I imagine him happy and free. No longer being monitored like a child in time out. It hurts to think I am the one left here, still stuck in this physical space, surrounded by the memories. Hoping they fade for me as I am sure they have for him. This is my perpetual penance. And it sucks. So run away, MB! Far and fast. Those steps will bring you so much further down your path towards healing.

 

 

 

You can have a fresh start.

 

 

 

 

Just move, and move so you will be farther away from them.

[Southern Sun]

My A happened at work and I immediately left my job after D-Day.

 

My first thought when I saw your question was - I can't know if it helped me move on because I have no comparison. I didn't try moving on while still working with him. This is all I know and it was still damn hard.

 

But that's not entirely true. We "ended" multiple times while we were still working together and that simply didn't work. I had to completely get away from him AND go total NC in order to make it stick.

 

BH and I have now moved to a new home and just the change of scenery, knowing that nothing around me is weighed down by the difficult memories...its been very refreshing.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thank you for all your responses. Although I did not respond individually, I read them all and it really helps. I am taking steps to move on, I am checking out a new place tomorrow and then Friday. I started the procedure for a transfer, not easy, not always approved. I'm trying to see it as a positive but I go back and forth. The reality is that I am leaving because of xMM. I'm pretty sad about it but I did this. No one but me.

[lemondrop21]

Thank you for all your responses. Although I did not respond individually, I read them all and it really helps. I am taking steps to move on, I am checking out a new place tomorrow and then Friday. I started the procedure for a transfer, not easy, not always approved. I'm trying to see it as a positive but I go back and forth. The reality is that I am leaving because of xMM. I'm pretty sad about it but I did this. No one but me.

 

Good for you Midnight. I know it feels crappy to leave because of xMM, but you are doing right by your husband and you can feel good about that now (even if your husband isn't sure you should leave the job... If you feel you are stuck in your recovery process then this is the right and best thing to do for all parties).

 

I also cringe when I think about leaving my job because of xMM, but I try and put it into perspective if I do eventually leave - it's just a job. These days people have lots of different jobs in their lifetime; that is normal and often considered good. Could there be silver linings? Will you get to take on new projects, work with new people, and/or diversify your skill set? These are good things on their own. And people do take pay cuts in order to do the above.

[Jersey born raised]

Midnight I post this wanting you to get you furious. *I post this because I do believe in you. * I want you to see what he is and what you are saying about yourself about yourself. *But I say this is not who you are, you are far better.

 

You feel used becaused you where. *He took only a part of you, used it and*not only reject the rest but denigrated it. *I gradulated in 1978 so this is way back in the day. *I was taking a course in far easten studies. *The prof had escaped NK to so SK as a child and emigrated to the US. *Anne asked him about the concept of combebind (sp?). *He thought about it and respond "woman are like very expensive multi tool. *Just this *because part of tool no longer works, cheaper to replace with single use tool". *Anne was fair skinned with reddish blonde hair and has he answered I watched her turn a deep shade of red with anger.*

 

He wants to stay "friends" with you not only to keep you for future use but because it proves to him what a stud he is. *"not only did I just use her for her body, she is so into me she still wants to hang on to me not only at the cost of a worthless no job husband but at the cost of her kids" * So yea, he wants to keep you around. *Not only that her husband is such a losser he knows his place and accepts my scraps. *

 

We live in changing times with role reversals becoming common in marriage. *You are the bread winner and that carries a lot of weight. *Boys are raised to shoulder that weight. *There are thousands of years of nurturing built up for boys to do so. *I made good money my ex made decent money but at times I felt crushed by the financial uncertainness of the job market, the financial commitments, and marriage commitments . * And i dud not have children. *It was a heavy burden I had never experienced before (I married in my early thirties). **

 

I sense he was an escape from this burden for you. *He was the land of unicorns and rainbows where you worked for the joy of it gad never had to worry about a mortgage payment or dental bills an that fantasy is keeping you stuck even though your mind and heart no better. *

 

You posted your first marriage was abusive, *I sense your childhood was not good. *Perhaps you married your husband because he was gentle and empathic and filled a huge void. You *need to work and be financial secure FOR you. *To be in a position never to be forced to accept abuse. * But you have grown and needs have changed, *

 

You are responsible for your adultery and only you. * He is responsible for his and only him. *But the issued in the marriage are both of your's. *He needs to be able to pull some weight financial. *It is what you need to to be in a solid marriage. *While you need to end this fantasy, he needs to help create an environment to help you do so. *I until he does so your marriage will be in crises. *

 

Have you read posts by SAHMs? *There is reason why there husbands at times become distance and unavailable. *They are focused on what they think their primary role is. *Sadly over time they reduce there role to that of an ATM. *

 

Oh the prof, his answer was not who he was but he had firmly engrained ideas about role models. *His daughter was a student at the time and very american and more bull headed than dad. *Made for so interesting times.

 

Be well*

[Jersey born raised]

Sorry fir all the * I used notepad to type my response and I don't know why the * appear.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Sorry fir all the * I used notepad to type my response and I don't know why the * appear.

 

I was a little confused by the asterisks, I was not sure if part of your post was a quote from someplace else.

 

Thank you for responding. I'm not mad. I did feel like an ATM for 8 years and yes, xMM was attractive because he provided for his family. And you are right, xMM said negative things about my H, he thought he was better than him, he said many times that I should be the one at home and my H should be providing for his family, not the other way around. xMM does have zero respect for my H.

 

H is not some high school dropout, he actually went to college, he just has these useless art degrees and was not the overly driven type to make money. He has a lot of good qualities. I knew this when I met him.

 

Your sentences about why he wants to stay friends with me, well, I'm not mad at all, I respect your opinion as you are a man, you know how men think. It definitely firms my resolve to NOT be his friend. If not only for me, for my H. You are most likely right.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi midnight,

 

Your OM is the worst of the worst. Who is he to run down your husband as he married for money, and his job exists only because of his his wife's family.

 

Your adultery and marriage issues clearly show adultety is adultery and issues are issues. Your marriage has issues that your husband must address if this marriage is to become what it should be. While you both need to help heal each other (his EA(?) your EA/AP, neither of you must not hold back on being frank about your issues.

 

Thank you for understanding the nature of my post. In was afraid you would take it as a condemnation of you personally. It was not.

 

To close I have read several threads by woman who are the breadwinner and or SAHDs. Amazing how easy it is to change the gender roles in these threads so that SAHD speak of the same issues as SAHM and bread winners regardless of gender sound the same.

Edited August 19, 2016 by Jersey born raised