My Girlfriend blacked out.

[Noenoe]

I made an account just to get another opinion on this subject from people who are not biased as most of my friends will obviously just take my side but I wanted advice from more experienced people and people who have dealt with this before.

 

So my girlfriend (22) and I (22) have been together for 4 years, we have broken up a few times but besides that things have been so good. We were really good friends before we dated, and we are still good friends now and I love her and like her alot too. She doesn't go out very often especially since she just graduated and she's about to start her Masters degree so she is not in anyway an alcoholic or a party girl really.

 

However this is the situation, my girlfriend went to Vegas with two of her friends who are ALSO my friends. One of the them was turning 22 and they decided to have a girls trip. I did expect for her to get drunk I did not expect for her to get blackout drunk which is exactly what happened. There was a whole night of not remembering which did not sit well with me the next morning. I told her I didn't feel right about her blacking out and uncomfortable and asked if there was any speculation something happened last night? She admitted to me yes that there was a possibility that she had kissed someone because her friend (my friend too) told her that she pulled her away from a guy kissing her.

 

So I got angry. I got mad. We argued. I wanted to break up with her, and I had to ask her friend what happened because my girlfriend didn't remember and our friend told me that it was the drunkest she interpreted it as a guy was taking advantage of her drunkness and kissing her and immediately she removed her from the situation and the guy got mad she took her away from him and she told him "she has a boyfriend that I know and respect" and the rest of the night my gf was puking and glazed eyes over and they had to hold her up (to say how drunk she was). The next morning they told her what happened and she was devastated and guilty and told me what happened that day because I asked her about it.

 

Right now we are broken up, but our friend that was there brought up an interesting point as to yeah it was her responsibility she blacked out and got that drunk but what if she got raped, what if something worse happened, how would you feel then? Her point being she was literally not knowing what she was doing at all.

 

My question to everyone is obviously cheating is cheating. But what defines that line. Obviously being drunk is no excuse at all, my heart hurts but not as bad as when i actually consciously got cheated on by my first gf ever (she left me for another guy and had sex with him back in high school). So I am so confused. I am so angry with her but at same time sympathize a tiny bit with her because I know she would not kiss anyone intentionally she loves me very much.

[smackie9]

No you were right to breakup with her. She needs to learn a lesson that kind of behavior has consequences. As for you, you would never be able to trust her again anyways, and the relationship is now tainted. You are very hurt, and that sickening feeling isn't going away anytime soon.

[SwordofFlame]

I would also add that your mutual friends really dropped the ball here. They should have never let her get to the point of being blacked out drunk.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why did you previusly break up? It sounds like this is an on-off relationship with some underlying problems anyway. Breaking up "a few times" is a bad sign.

 

With that said, I think it's right to stay broken up this time. As the other poster said, this betrayal isn't going to just disappear. The trust is broken and who's to say if even this friend is telling you the truth about what happened.

 

What doesn't sit well with me is also the fact that you had to ask if something had happened. She didn't come out and tell you.

[Noenoe]

Why did you previusly break up? It sounds like this is an on-off relationship with some underlying problems anyway. Breaking up "a few times" is a bad sign.

 

With that said, I think it's right to stay broken up this time. As the other poster said, this betrayal isn't going to just disappear. The trust is broken and who's to say if even this friend is telling you the truth about what happened.

 

What doesn't sit well with me is also the fact that you had to ask if something had happened. She didn't come out and tell you.

 

We previously broke up because of this distance between our colleges. And yeah I know our mutual friends dropped the ball. I'm not defending her at all but its almost 5 years and Im having trouble letting it go this time. She has been apologizing and its not really making things better its just she never drinks like that

[Space Ritual]

In Vino Veritas.....

 

Young man, what the hell do you think goes on during same gender "Trips" to Vegas?

 

Girls and guys take these trips generally for the sole purpose of getting wasted and hooking up if possible. Hqd guilt not set n on one of teh girls parts, you'd be none the wiser

 

If her friends really respected you they would not have put themselves and your girlfriend in such a precarious position to begin with. They went there seeking attention and got it. That's what young people do in Vegas. They don't go there to gamble.

 

Think whatever you want but we just had a hell of a thread with someone late in the spring that got wasted at a party and cheated on her boyfriend and got pregnant. Her claims of how it happened ran the gamut and changed from page to page. It was a very sad thread to read because it was triggery for a lot of people and in the end she was so full of crap her teeth were floating.

 

In any event, you obviously have some trust issues with this girl and her actions show those issues are well warranted.

 

Do yourself a favor and stay broken up with her. She can be some other poor schmuck's problem when she pulls it on him, which she will.

[Noenoe]

But everyone is right with their points I didn't come here to make excuses for her. I just came to see what everyone would do if their SO kissed someone and when they were blacked out. I trust my mutual friends story because my gf doesn't remember so she's no help and I have been mutual friends with those girls longer than me and gf have been dating.

[Space Ritual]

I'd stay broken up

[basil67]

Unlike the other posters, I'd let it go.

 

Fact is, she PULLED AWAY from kissing and told him that she had a boyfriend. That would be enough for me.

[lolablue17]

Just because you asked that, I'll tell you about the good things you can take.

 

1. You're both young. People can make mistakes at any age, and the more important is what can you learn from your mistakes. If she's learned never to drink more than 1 glass, lesson for ever, that she's safer than a girl who has never done that, and has never learned anything.

 

2. She immediately told you about it. Many girls wouldn't. So, she's honest.

 

3. After all it was just one short kiss, nothing really happened, what makes it easier to let go and forgive.

 

Of course she did wrong. But if she promises never to drink if you're not around, and if you love her, why not forgiving her.

[h0000]

Unlike the other posters, I'd let it go.

 

Fact is, she PULLED AWAY from kissing and told him that she had a boyfriend. That would be enough for me.

I thought she didn't pull away, the friend pulled her away?

 

 

Just because you asked that, I'll tell you about the good things you can take.

 

2. She immediately told you about it. Many girls wouldn't. So, she's honest.

 

3. After all it was just one short kiss, nothing really happened, what makes it easier to let go and forgive.

.

I thought she didn't immediately tell the OP, the friend did?

And I thought if it wasn't for that friend, it would be more than a kiss?

 

 

Blacking out is not attractive and I would not forgive if my partner does that. Being young is not an excuse for doing wrong in my book

[Noenoe]

I thought she didn't pull away, the friend pulled her away?

 

 

 

I thought she didn't immediately tell the OP, the friend did?

And I thought if it wasn't for that friend, it would be more than a kiss?

 

 

Blacking out is not attractive and I would not forgive if my partner does that. Being young is not an excuse for doing wrong in my book

 

Yeah her friend did pull her away. because she was out of her mind drunk apparently. And she did tell me first, I asked the friend for clarification that what my gf had said was true. I agree young is not an excuse I am just trying to take everything into consideration as she is an important aspect of my life, but not the only aspect.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Well, 5-2 to remain broken-up while I type this, but OP clearly doesn't want to abide by the majority here. :-) Looking for more opinions that better mirrors his own...give her another chance?

 

1. She was not blacked out when HE kissed her, right? That's the way it happened, she was so plastered, but SHE did not initiate the kissing, right?

 

2. SHE came out and admitted something happened. She felt horrible about it. Guilty.

 

3. Okay, so she got drunk. Other than that, did she do anything wrong?! Well, you could argue that she placed herself in this compromising position by being irresponsible, but DID SHE KISS HIM or did HE KISS HER?! Was she flirting with him or did this guy impose himself on her???

 

4. I agree with some others. You've broken up on other occasions. Why? Trust issues? If this is another TRUST issue, then walk.

 

5. Good grief. 22 and goes to Vegas for a girls outting. What in the world did you think was going to happen? You should both agree to not drink to excess to prevent compromising oneself.

[BluesPower]

Let her go. You are too young to allow yourself to be involved with a cheater.

 

 

And, I don't think anyone said it yet, but do you believe for a second that it was only a kiss. Come on????

 

 

Just let her go and move on.

[aileD]

Id give her a pass once once. Let what happened in Vegas stay in Vegas.

 

Your previous break ups were just logistics and not trust.

She feels horrible

She doesn't even remember

She told you

She's never been that drunk before so how was she supposed to know something like blacking out would happen?

 

Are you sure no one (the kisser?) put anything in her drink?

 

Five years, good friends, good relationship. All is good otherwise.

 

It was just a drunken kiss.

 

One time pass. ONE

[basil67]

I thought she didn't pull away, the friend pulled her away?

 

Sorry, my bad.

 

My thoughts still stand. If it was an otherwise good relationship, I'd be hurt and angry. But I wouldn't end it.

[h0000]

Sorry, my bad.

 

My thoughts still stand. If it was an otherwise good relationship, I'd be hurt and angry. But I wouldn't end it.

 

If that friend hadn't pulled her away, would she have done more than just kissing the guy? What if she blacked out and had sex with that guy and afterwards felt so bad . And it was otherwise a good relationship. Should she be forgiven because she was drunk?

 

Maybe I'm too old, I just can't have such drama in life. Because There are so many other people out there who would not get so drunk and have accidents like this.

[Poutrew]

The story they told you was the one they mutually agreed on to tell you, not what actually happened. More than a kiss was involved in this Vegas trip... sigh. This is one of the reasons I am against taking this type of trip if you have a significant other waiting for you back home. Unfortunately, this is the main reason why these trips are taken. One part of the partnership wants to still see if they 'got it', so they need to be able to work their magic without the other getting in the way. The fact that they needed to tell you is because things got out of hand...which means full - on sex probably was involved. I would stay broken up this time. Perhaps the next girlfriend you have will also want to go to Vegas - this time to make some nasty memories with you

[fromheart]

Well, this is what you know about. Its probable that this wasn't the first time and unless she stops drinking and starts working on herself, it wont be the last.

 

It will save you alot of heartache to break up with her. Sorry to have to say what you don't want to hear.

[Lois_Griffin]

Obviously being drunk is no excuse at all, my heart hurts but not as bad as when i actually consciously got cheated on by my first gf ever (she left me for another guy and had sex with him back in high school). So I am so confused. I am so angry with her but at same time sympathize a tiny bit with her because I know she would not kiss anyone intentionally she loves me very much.

Well apparently, you DO think drinking is an excuse because you say being drunk is no excuse then you end with, "I know she wouldn't kiss anyone intentionally...."

 

So yes. You ARE using being drunk as an excuse.

 

And you're not getting the whole story. I highly doubt some complete stranger just walked up to her and started kissing her. I'd be willing to bet there had been SOME kind of interaction between these two before they started sucking face.

[Chi townD]

Tough one. I mean, if your relationship was rock solid, then I would encourage you to work through it. But, it's not. A lot of breaking up's and getting back together. The one thing I'll give her points on is that she told you about it immediately.

 

I don't know, dude. You're going to have to go with your gut on this one.

[smackie9]

The reason why I say let her go, is because a long time a go I did this to my BF back in high school. Blacked out and ended up naked in bed with his friend. I don't know if we had sex or not, but when morning came I kicked him out. I was devastated, ashamed. I have never blacked out before, and it scared the crap out of me. Then I realized that it wasn't meant to be. I did want to be in a committed relationship, that I was kidding myself that we had it for the long haul. I guess my subconscious was telling me I was wasting my time being with him. I tried to contact him, but he didn't want to talk to me, I was shunned by his friends, so it knew he knew and there wasn't more I could do.

 

OP I say if you are willing to forgive, I suggest a breakup time of a few months to really think things over. Your feelings a little too raw yet to get back together. Give it some time to heal, so you will have a clearer head.

[gorf]

taking advantage of her drunkness and kissing her

 

My question to everyone is obviously cheating is cheating. But what defines that line. Obviously being drunk is no excuse at all

 

I think you already know the answer and you took care of it. Drunk or under some sort of influence of drugs, that sorta stuff, no excuse. If you are super drunk, your love will still be in your subconscious and when a guy starts kissing up on you.. and you know to at least push him away. Drunk is no excuse. If you dont push him away, that is your sign. If you are really soooo black out drunk you cant handle it, then you are putting yourself in the boxing ring just the same.

 

If things happen when you are drunk, then your lover is not the first one on your mind. Vegas, party next door, does not matter. She basically immaturely put herself in a situation where shes saying "come get some" to guys around. And then play the "I was drunk and didn't realise, remember, have control, etc" when things happen. Still cheating, and I don't see a fine line.

 

Its like if a boxer gets into the ring. He knows why he is getting in there. The boxing ring is the state people are in when they are drunk or high. Ill give you a scenario: your girlfriend has a bad night, goes over to the local bar where her old fwb hangs out. She sits with him and starts getting drunk. Then they start making out. Is she get a pass cause she is drunk? Or is she cheating cause she put herself in the situation where things could happen, and then let the alcohol take the wheel. Get it?

[Noenoe]

Yeah I gave her benefit of doubt because she is not a huge drinker and she had been really drunk plenty of times throughout the 4 years when I wasn't there and nothing like this has happened. Of course thats up to speculation but she told me this time. I think alot of you are right in breaking up with her and it is 100% her fault for getting that wasted along with the repercussions after which would be (the kiss) and I doubt she would have made it out of the club with some guy that wasted because our mutual friend told me it was the most drunk she had ever seen her and she was throwing up all night. I don't think our friends would lie in some "girl code" bs cause I have been friends with the mutual friends long before we started dating.

 

I appreciate everyones advice at the moment, we are broken up.. But I can't help but think am I throwing a good thing away for a blackout mistake. If that blackout mistake involved sex, then obviously it would be different. Cheating is cheating but to me there are degrees of it and also elements such as coming clean about it. So I'm taking everything everyone (who is obviously more experienced than me) into account in the upcoming months and appreciate you guys responding at the very least! Im trying to do what my gut is telling me

[Noenoe]

Well apparently, you DO think drinking is an excuse because you say being drunk is no excuse then you end with, "I know she wouldn't kiss anyone intentionally...."

 

So yes. You ARE using being drunk as an excuse.

 

And you're not getting the whole story. I highly doubt some complete stranger just walked up to her and started kissing her. I'd be willing to bet there had been SOME kind of interaction between these two before they started sucking face.

 

I have the whole story. the story was my gf got blacked out, started dancing with another guy, and my mutual friend saw the situation elevate to a kiss (she was super drunk as well but remembers this) and immediately removed her from that guy. The rest of the night they left the club and she threw up everywhere at the hotel room and didn't know a thing that happened the back half of the night, they told her in the morning, she texted me, now I'm here. this is what happened.