Friends with benefits...where does this end?

[roxy32]

Hey,

This is the first time I've asked advice on here so here goes..

I've been in a friends with benefits (fwb) relationship for 7 years! Over all this time no matter what we always seem to end up back here, we have had arguments, relationships yet here we still are. I've never wanted more from the relationship but I can't seem to end it either. We get on great and have such a good laugh when we are together and I think that's what I would miss the most if it ended. He is currently in a relationship and I feel really guilty that he still comes to me when he's in a relationship. I'm confused to wether I have feelings for him or not, I don't want a full time relationship with him yet I do miss him if we don't speak for a few weeks and he will usually text me then saying he has missed me. There's always a moment between us just before he leaves like hesitation on both our parts I don't want him to leave, I don't think he wants to either but none of say anything. There's still a very big spark between us too after all this time and then there's the friendship.....how do I end this without loosing a friend? Do I even want it to end or is it just the guilt I'm feeling because he's in a relationship?

[Ronnie33]

You aren't FWB...you are having an affair and have been for years.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hey,

This is the first time I've asked advice on here so here goes..

I've been in a friends with benefits (fwb) relationship for 7 years! Over all this time no matter what we always seem to end up back here, we have had arguments, relationships yet here we still are. I've never wanted more from the relationship but I can't seem to end it either. We get on great and have such a good laugh when we are together and I think that's what I would miss the most if it ended. He is currently in a relationship and I feel really guilty that he still comes to me when he's in a relationship. I'm confused to wether I have feelings for him or not, I don't want a full time relationship with him yet I do miss him if we don't speak for a few weeks and he will usually text me then saying he has missed me. There's always a moment between us just before he leaves like hesitation on both our parts I don't want him to leave, I don't think he wants to either but none of say anything. There's still a very big spark between us too after all this time and then there's the friendship.....how do I end this without loosing a friend? Do I even want it to end or is it just the guilt I'm feeling because he's in a relationship?

 

Where does it end? With you up crying all night and posting on Loveshack to a bunch of strangers because no one else can bear to listen to you, knows what to say, and you feel like you don't even want to be around yourself anymore. It ends with you going on meds because numb beats pain. It ends with you getting dropped in a heartbeat when he gets caught. It ends with you wasting 7 more years of your life on a pointless relationship. It ends with you seeing his wedding pictures. Need I go on?

 

Welcome to LS

[13Hearts]

IDK how old you are or where you are in your life, but to me, you're asking the wrong questions.

 

Your life and your decisions are not about this one relationship. You need to really look within yourself and ask "What do I really want out of life?" Are you doing the things that are important to you? Have you traveled every where you have wanted? Have you experienced every thing you would like? Have you attained all of your goals? Have you learned everything you would like to, or need to, learn?

 

What kind of relationship do you need in order to be able to live the life you want to live? I for one have never really wanted to be married; the creating a family and birthing children thing has never appealed to me. I also do not really like living with men, as usually their cleanliness desires are not as high as mine and I find them to be very needy people who always have to be with you and who you cannot trust to be alone without screwing something up. I also find they talk too much and automatically expect you to focus all your time, attention, and energy on THEM, which is not how I want to live my life.

 

Why have you spent 7 years in the kind of relationship that is so distant? There is a reason. You should investigate that. Forget about what happens to THIS one; who cares? He's just the guy who is providing you what YOU want in a relationship RIGHT NOW.

 

It will end the way it needs to end in order for you to get what YOU want. If being with this guy makes you feel guilty because he now has a GF, then tell him, "Listen, I like you and enjoy your company, but now that you got a GF, it makes me feel guilty and that just doesn't work for me. So, I want ________ (enter what you want, here. For example: ...to stop having sex together and just go back to being friends, or ...you to dump your GF and we be together as BF and GF, or ...you to switch to using condoms when we have sex, or whatever it is YOU want). DO NOT tell the guy your problem and then expect him to solve it. Men cannot solve relationship problems; they are HORRIBLE at it and will screw everything up.

 

You have to know what YOU want, OWN your sexuality, make the decisions yourself, and tell him what you want him to do.

 

Good luck.

 

Hey,

This is the first time I've asked advice on here so here goes..

I've been in a friends with benefits (fwb) relationship for 7 years! Over all this time no matter what we always seem to end up back here, we have had arguments, relationships yet here we still are. I've never wanted more from the relationship but I can't seem to end it either. We get on great and have such a good laugh when we are together and I think that's what I would miss the most if it ended. He is currently in a relationship and I feel really guilty that he still comes to me when he's in a relationship. I'm confused to wether I have feelings for him or not, I don't want a full time relationship with him yet I do miss him if we don't speak for a few weeks and he will usually text me then saying he has missed me. There's always a moment between us just before he leaves like hesitation on both our parts I don't want him to leave, I don't think he wants to either but none of say anything. There's still a very big spark between us too after all this time and then there's the friendship.....how do I end this without loosing a friend? Do I even want it to end or is it just the guilt I'm feeling because he's in a relationship?

[whichwayisup]

Hey,

This is the first time I've asked advice on here so here goes..

I've been in a friends with benefits (fwb) relationship for 7 years! Over all this time no matter what we always seem to end up back here, we have had arguments, relationships yet here we still are. I've never wanted more from the relationship but I can't seem to end it either. We get on great and have such a good laugh when we are together and I think that's what I would miss the most if it ended. He is currently in a relationship and I feel really guilty that he still comes to me when he's in a relationship. I'm confused to wether I have feelings for him or not, I don't want a full time relationship with him yet I do miss him if we don't speak for a few weeks and he will usually text me then saying he has missed me. There's always a moment between us just before he leaves like hesitation on both our parts I don't want him to leave, I don't think he wants to either but none of say anything. There's still a very big spark between us too after all this time and then there's the friendship.....how do I end this without loosing a friend? Do I even want it to end or is it just the guilt I'm feeling because he's in a relationship?

 

You two aren't 'platonic friends' anymore. Once you slept with one another that platonic part ended. And, as long as he's in your life this way you'll never get into a serious relationship because you still want him.

 

I think you should lay it out all out there, tell him how you feel and then see what happens. Taking a chance that maybe he feels the same way and you two actually can make a real relationship happen - Or cut bait and walk away. You two can't be friends anymore after that if he isn't interested in a serious relationship with you.

 

You deserve more than being an affair girl on the side. Do you want another 7 years to go by and still be where you are now? Give that some thought.

[aileD]

You're not in a FWB situation. You're a side piece. You're a mistress. You're a homewrecker. You're the other woman. You're the affair partner.

 

Don't fool yourself.

 

It doesn't end well for you.

 

PS I'm not shaming you or trying to be mean, just want you to open your eyes to the excuse you are making for your role.

[roxy32]

Thank you for your replies. I should have mentioned his relationship he is in is relatively new, that's why I'm now feeling guilty where as before he has been single so noone was getting hurt. The relationship has always suited me as I don't want to be in a serious relationship (I think that's to do with confidence issues I have) . It's just hard to cut off something that has been going on so long and has suited my needs.

[NTV]

Thank you for your replies. I should have mentioned his relationship he is in is relatively new, that's why I'm now feeling guilty where as before he has been single so noone was getting hurt. The relationship has always suited me as I don't want to be in a serious relationship (I think that's to do with confidence issues I have) . It's just hard to cut off something that has been going on so long and has suited my needs.

 

 

 

It didn't really suit your needs, though, did it?

[loveisanaction]

Thank you for your replies. I should have mentioned his relationship he is in is relatively new, that's why I'm now feeling guilty where as before he has been single so noone was getting hurt. The relationship has always suited me as I don't want to be in a serious relationship (I think that's to do with confidence issues I have) . It's just hard to cut off something that has been going on so long and has suited my needs.

 

Roxy Girl,

 

This is a very simple situation. You and your FWB guy are cheating for no absolutely no reason at all, he is single and so are you. Why don't you both want to be a couple? Have you guys talked about being a couple?

 

You and your guy have been in a FWB for 7 years (gurrlll, some marriages don't even last that long) Did he ask you to be his girlfriend and you turned him down? If you turned him down, maybe he got himself a girlfriend because he's growing up and wants something more serious.

 

If he never asked you to make it official before going off and finding himself a girlfriend then you can well assume that he doesn't see you as commitment material and if that's the case, it's time to pack your bags and say "Hasta la vista baby" then go and figure out why your confidence issues are stopping you from being in a committed relationship.

[central]

IMO, you should end the FWB now, or suggest that you both commit to an exclusive, conventional relationship with each other. Anything in between isn't ethical when other - uninformed - people are involved.

 

 

I had a FWB for 5 years, but as soon as she started dating someone seriously, all benefits stopped but we remained friends. When that relationship ended, we picked back up. Now it's over for good, as she is in a long term relationship with someone who wouldn't be comfortable if we stayed friends. That's as it should be, as what's best for her (as my friend) is what matters to me.

[stillafool]

Thank you for your replies. I should have mentioned his relationship he is in is relatively new, that's why I'm now feeling guilty where as before he has been single so noone was getting hurt. The relationship has always suited me as I don't want to be in a serious relationship (I think that's to do with confidence issues I have) . It's just hard to cut off something that has been going on so long and has suited my needs.

 

Since this guy is now in a relationship and you still aren't looking for anything serious just find a new FWB. After 7 years he never asked you for an exclusive relationship says he doesn't see you that way and it's just as well because you don't want that anyway. You can't be his friend because of your past together nor is it fair to his new girl. Just be happy for what you had and move on.

[ChickiePops]

Thank you for your replies. I should have mentioned his relationship he is in is relatively new, that's why I'm now feeling guilty where as before he has been single so noone was getting hurt. The relationship has always suited me as I don't want to be in a serious relationship (I think that's to do with confidence issues I have) . It's just hard to cut off something that has been going on so long and has suited my needs.

 

It's really, really, really easy to find a new eff buddy who's not hurting anyone in the process.

[burnt]

Communication. That's the most important thing for you to focus on right now.

 

It's ok to be confused about what you want. We all feel that way sometimes--feeling conflicted about our own hearts.

 

But you two have been at it for 7 long years. As LoveIsAnAction said earlier, that's a very long time for two people to stick together even if it's a FWB arrangement. Clearly there's something there for the two of you to return back to each other time and time again. Why not explore it? If you don't explore it, years later you may look back and regret with "what if..."

 

Sit down with him and talk to him--with absolute openness and honesty. Tell him exactly what you are feeling, including the confusion. Ask him to share exactly what he wants and feels.

 

Even though you feel that you don't want a real relationship with him, the two of you may want to go exclusive and see how it pans out. Give it a try. But you continuing to see him while there is an innocent party involved is not right. It is unethical, wrong, and cruel. And everyone will pay a painful price in the end for it.

 

The road you are on right now is neither here nor there.

 

Either commit to an honest relationship together or completely cut contact for good.

[roxy32]

Thanks for all your advice. I know deep down this has to end I don't like the fact that someone innocent is getting hurt. I don't want to be known as that type of woman either. As for meeting someone else, I have no self confidence and that's why I think I've stuck with this guy for so long, it's comfortable and I feel at ease with him. Afyer all this time I just need to find a way to walk away.

[Logan787]

How has things went since you last Posted on this situation? You break things off with him and found someone yet?

[Lobe]

As for meeting someone else, I have no self confidence and that's why I think I've stuck with this guy for so long, it's comfortable and I feel at ease with him.

 

In the great words of Shakespeare, "Aye, there's the rub..."

 

The discomfort of familiarity is comfortable. Or is that the familiarity of discomfort is comforting? Whichever. Either works.

 

Roxy you will never ever ever gain an ounce of self-confidence letting people treat you like you're not worth more than FWB. No one put you in that pigeon-hole but you, and you should look at this as an opportunity to break free from this toxic relationship which you have remained trapped behind for so long. At least FWB ave kind of ground rules about mutual respect (or mutual disrespect) and based on what UI'm reading here you're not a FWB, you've been demoted to a NSA booty call for a guy with a girlfriend. Ew! Get yourself checked for STIs and ditch the POS.

 

Step One: Go NC. Block him, redirect his emails to your spam folder, delete him on social media, remove his mementos or personal effects or whatnot from your house (toothbrush, old t-shirt, spare tightie-whities, even that wadded up gum wrapper you maybe saved because he gave it to you...). This is the mental equivalent of exorcising him. If you can't bear to delete everything, at least put it in a garbage bag so it's convenient to throw away when you're finally ready.

 

Step Two: Write a letter giving advice to your BFF if she was in the exact same position as you. Tell her exactly why she deserves better, remind her how this relationship makes her feel, let her know that you believe she is worth more than being the NSA booty call and tell her what a real relationship with this heel would probably look like (because let's face it, if the only long term relationship he can manage is a 7-year FWB, he's not really much a catch...)

 

Step Three: Sign yourself up for some individual counselling, especially if you feel like you're going to fall into fits of anxiety or depression and/or if you'd like to start figuring out how you got yourself dug in so deep for so long. If you feel like you might want to self harm PLEASE seek immediate help.

 

Step Four: Love yourself. Hit the gym, eat good food, find good books to read, put on make-up, get a massage, buy some fabulous new shoes - whatever it is that makes you feel like you're participating in some hardcore long-overdue self-care, do that.

 

Step Five: Keep posting here. When you feel weak or defeated, when you need cheering up, when you need a boot in the arse to smarten up, come here - we will straighten you out.