Looking for some s/

[Sallygal77]

My story goes like this, the year before I met my now ex I went through some devastating losses in my family. They weren't deaths but deep betrayals from my mother, father and two siblings. I met my ex at the end of this very hard period in my life and not wanting to drag our new wonderful relationship down with drama, rather than facing my issues with my family, I simply buried all of my negative, hurt feelings inside of me hoping they would just go away. But they did not.*

 

Over the course of our relationship the negativity that was inside of me kept boiling up like a nasty pimple that no amount of zit cream could get rid of and it wasn't coming out in a healthy manner. I became someone who I am not, I was mean, unappreciative and had a very short temper at times. I slowly sunk into a deep depression and as a result, my boyfriend started to become unhappy in the relationship.*

 

I wasn't nasty all the time of course, we have had lots of wonderful loving times together. He truly is the best friend I've ever had and I've never in my life experienced the kind of caring, loving, understanding and compromise that we have shared in our relationship.*

 

We met in Milwaukee, both of us having moved here for work, him from New Mexico and myself from Pennsylvania. *We both also have a daughter from previous relationships who live in the states that we moved from. That is one of the factors that drew us together because we understood each other's feelings of missing our girls.*

 

So we fell in love and planned our future together, buying a house here in Milwaukee under the belief that in a few months we would be getting both our girls here to live with us so we could be a family together. And yet another devastating thing happened when we found out after fighting for custody that neither of our daughters would be allowed to leave their respective home states. And so depression sunk in even more.

 

But he was so wonderful, trying to stay positive for us both and trying with all of his might to figure out a way that we could still be together and also be with our girls. And I was so far into this state of hopelessness that I became negative about everything. All the ideas he came up with, like him moving with me to Pennsylvania or me with him to New Mexico, starting our own business so we have the freedom and funds to live in both places, everything he came up with, I shot it all down. I was stubborn and didn't want to give up on the dream we had here in the home we bought for our family.

 

Things got progressively harder for us, emotionally and financially. I started going to therapy and got on medication for depression and some things improved a bit but not enough given that we were still without our girls. That's such a huge part of any parent that, understandably, doesn't get any better the longer your away. Some of our arguments got so upsetting that we talked about breaking up a few times since the beginning of this year. Since then we have been actively working on a plan to get back to our girls. We put the house on the market and started a Real Estate Investment company together. The plan was to move to New Mexico together and purchase a home there and within a few months also purchase on one Pennsylvania so we could be in our girls lives on a more daily basis and still have our relationship.

 

On July 1st 2016, he broke up with me. He told me that he wasn't happy anymore and that he felt that I did not appreciate him, that I made him feel like an awful person and that he could never do anything right. A couple of times in the past, I got depressed around his daughter and as hard as I tried, I couldn't always keep it inside me and have a smile on the outside. So in part of the break up he said he didn't want his daughter to be around someone like that.

 

I left our home a few days later to stay with family in another state. I left because I was devastated and because I wanted to give us space. *I was gone for 3 weeks, one of those weeks we didn't speak at all.*

 

I experienced a lot of abuse in my life growing up and as a young adult became a very spiritual person and was able to overcome a lot of emotional barriers. Until that year when I lost my immediate family. I lost touch with my spiritual side and like I said, became someone who I am not. The three weeks I spent away from him and the act of him breaking up with me pushed me to my own breaking point. I was in so much pain that I was able to experience a spiritual reawakening. I realized that my boyfriend doesn't feel loved because I haven't been loving MYSELF therefore I haven't been able to truly love him or anyone for that matter. In those 3 weeks I changed my whole outlook on life and love and I am finally getting back to the happy, spiritual person I was for so many years of my life. I released all of the negativity I was holding on to from my family forgave them and I am finally starting to love myself again.

 

I value my boyfriend and his daughter, next to my own daughter more than anyone I've ever known in my life. And unfortunately, the only me that he knows is the one who was so depressed for a good deal of our relationship.*

 

So present day, we are still living together, as the house has not yet sold. It's been three weeks since I've returned and things between us have been pretty wonderful for the most part. He has told me that he can tell that I am different and he loves all of the work I've been doing with myself like meditating and living with love, kindness and forgiveness. I am finally able to show him the love that I have been cheating him out of for the last year and it feels amazing. When I live in the moment it feels like we are more in love now than ever. We hold hands every where we go, we are super supportive, loving, gracious, helpful and very very affectionate. BUT he's made it very clear that he hasn't forgiven me for hurting him as long as I did and that he does not want to take another chance of letting me hurt him. He also says that things are good right now but it's only because it's just the two of us and we don't have the responsibly or stress of the girls in our lives at this moment. He doesn't want to chance his daughter seeing me depressed again and rather than teaching her how important forgiveness is, he would rather her learn that you shouldn't let people treat you badly. That statement alone is so heart breaking, I adore his daughter and have always treated her like she is my own, which he knows and agrees that I have always been good to her.*

 

I have a hard time accepting that this break up is final and even though he says he doesn't feel the same way that he used to about me, actions speak louder than words. I get that sex after a break up is super easy for a guy and while we have still been sleeping together, it's all of the actions in between that to me say nothing but love. He is super consistent with acting loving and kind to me. There's zero hot and cold. He still introduces me to everyone as his girlfriend. And just days before he broke up with me, he referred to me as his beautiful wife in several marketing letters he wrote for our business. (We were never even engaged although we did talk about it) This past weekend we went to a wedding together, at which he told me he was the luckiest guy in the world because his date was the most beautiful girl at the wedding. Yes, many guys take advantage of girls' emotions when they're in this state but for anyone to act loving 24/7 towards someone they truly DONT love sounds pretty exhausting.*

 

We could be closing on the house as early as Sept 1st, at which point he will be moving to Mew Mexico and I to Pennsylvania. As that date draws nearer I have tried to talk to him about "us" more times that I should have. I am sick to my stomach thinking about going our separate ways. He's been very understanding about how upset I am and holds me every time I cry about it. But he says that 3 weeks of this different "me" isn't enough to show him that I won't be the way I was in the past and refuses to reconcile with me. As much as I know that I need to stop bugging him about it, and that time could very well help this situation, it's so hard to not be emotional over saying good bye to him. And I have a hard time holding on to much hope for a future considering we will soon be living on different sides of the country. It feels like my time is running out.

 

The four of us have made so many wonderful memories together and in my eyes we are truly a family. My daughter cries to me too often about how much she misses them, especially his daughter. I'm so devastated over losing them both. In some ways I feel like I deserve to feel the pain of this loss because I was so miserable at times. I don't want to understate how miserable I could be, however, I was never demeaning and never raised my voice in front of his daughter. Towards him though, emotionally abusive is a strong term but I think I borderlined that at times.*I know I've hurt him emotionally, but I can't help but want to fight for him to show him how much I truly love them both.

 

I'm confused and so hurt. I'm hoping to get anyone's opinion on this. I don't know whether or not I should just let him and the whole situation go or if I should be patient and back off but let him know that I'm not walking away from this.

 

Thank you