Better Off Alone?

[fiestyfirecracker]

Hi folks hope you are all well. Need to vent as I feel I'm losing my mind tbh I've never felt more alone or unhappy.

 

I'm sorry this will be lengthy but I've been 'seeing' a guy on and off again for about 7 years we've never seen ourselves as a 'couple'. It really is a strange setup we've never had a picture together, we don't acknowledge each other on social media. It's just strange.

 

I was initially flattered by the attention because I had been in a psychically abusive relationship years previously...he seemed to be a catch. How wrong I was.

 

I lost my mum five years ago and I've been devastated by this he never came to the funeral to support me and that really stuck in my throat. He didn't see it as an issue but not long after he attended a girl he works with mothers funeral....I guess I resent him for that fact. He also says I dwell on it too much which is rich coming from a guy who has never lost anyone.

 

Anyhow we stopped seeing each other for a while a few years back because I just felt I was the one constantly making an effort. I'd take two trains to go see him (normally with loads of luggage) whilst he sat at home with a perfectly good car unwilling to come pick me up. I just felt I was putting so much in for minimal return so I told him whatever the hell the thing is we had was done.

 

He begged me to resume our 'thing' and me being soft I did. We resumed our thing but he became abit obsessed with me checking my phone and telling me not to mention him on Facebook and things. My father and I fought alot after mum died so I decided to move in with this guy and try to make a go.

 

Another mistake on my part. Living with him has become increasingly testing so much so that I feel my mental health is deteriorating. When I clean the flat I'm criticized, when I take too long to get home from work (it takes me 1.5 hours each way everyday) I'm accused of having met with another guy, when I go to my hometown to visit family he asks for pictures of their house to confirm where I am. It's just getting too much.

 

My friends are all happily married or have kids, often both. They say until I leave him they don't want to know about it anymore because they've expressed their disdain numerous times.

 

I come from a small village so keep in touch with alot of people male and female. He hates this fact and has accused me of sleeping with some of my male friends. I haven't.

 

My dad has said he wouldn't have me back at the family home I grew up in because he's used to me not being there. I don't have enough money to move out and get a place of my own and many of my family have homes too small to keep me. I feel completely trapped and my nerves are in shreds. My stomach is in knots constantly.

 

The other week I actually thought about killing myself (something I think I'd never do) just to get away from him. I'm not saying I'm innocent in all this I know I can have a quick temper and I've never truly gotten over my mums death. I became tearful and rather depressed after it to be fair.

 

However I just can't take feeling like this anymore. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. If you have any questions I'll be more than happy to answer.

 

Thanks one and all if you got through that.

[salparadise]

Well, there is really only one answer. You need an exit strategy that includes a new place to live. Where were you living before you moved in with him? Do you make enough to pay rent on a similar place? I'd suggest contacting a woman's shelter and see if they will help you plan the exit. The criticism and controlling behaviors will probably be considered mental/emotional abuse, so you'd probably qualify for help.

 

That being said, I can't help but think there is something else going on because of all the problems you have with your social circle and family, the way you stuck with the "thing" for seven years and then moved in (becoming dependent on him for some reason), and the fact that you seem to not have any money put back as an emergency fund.

 

Have you ever seen a therapist about life situation management? Were you living independently before moving in with him? You should figure out specifically what is keeping you from returning to independence and try to overcome these things quickly. All you really need is two months rent and deposit for utilities... and I do understand that may sound like a huge chunk of change.

 

Do you have any friends (male or female) who can help you manage the exit?

Edited August 16, 2016 by salparadise

[fiestyfirecracker]

I was living with my dad but he doesn't want me back home now. He's used to not having me there. I can't afford to live by myself I don't make enough money in all honesty.

 

The thing keeping me from independence is lack of money and I don't have anywhere to go. Everyone I know with a place is already filled to capacity or have kids and I wouldn't want to intrude. I guess I stuck with him because I felt like I couldn't find anyone else or at least that's how he made me feel. He's always made me feel I could never do better than him.

 

My family has basically fallen apart since mum died no one really speaks. I just needed away from that at the time. I've made some epic mistakes but I do want to fix them..for my own sanity more than anything.

[salparadise]

What kind of work do you do? It seem a bit much that you travel an hour and a half each way to a job that doesn't pay enough to live on. I assume you're in a major metro area since you have trains as public transit. I can think of only a few options... find a woman to share a flat, income assisted housing, change jobs or get a second job, apply for assistance. Longer term suggestion would be to get some training to increase employment prospects.

 

Talk to someone at a women's resource center who may be able to connect you with resources and help develop options. There are solutions but you may need to make compromises. Sorry to hear it's so tough.

[planning4later]

Not sure why everyone's immediate, knee-jerk reaction is to tell everyone to immediately leave. We don't even know this couple. Seriously? As far as the post reveals, there is no physical abide or infidelity. This guy does sound insecure and controlling, but then again...so are most women. But the second a guy is controlling, we tell the girl to run for the hills? Let's get some more info before we knee-jerk folks.

[salparadise]

Not sure why everyone's immediate, knee-jerk reaction is to tell everyone to immediately leave. We don't even know this couple. Seriously? As far as the post reveals, there is no physical abide or infidelity. This guy does sound insecure and controlling, but then again...so are most women. But the second a guy is controlling, we tell the girl to run for the hills? Let's get some more info before we knee-jerk folks.

 

She said she wants out. That's why.

[Mr. Lucky]

Not sure why everyone's immediate, knee-jerk reaction is to tell everyone to immediately leave.

 

Don't know if the OP should go or stay but I'm certain she needs to get herself to a point where she has options,

 

fiestyfirecracker, how old are you? At some point it stops being your family's responsibility to house and care for you so I'm not sure why you focus on their unavailability. You need to help yourself - get a better job, find a second part-time one, provide for yourself. Otherwise, just as you moved in with him to escape your father, you could put yourself in another precarious situation.

 

Quit waiting to be rescued, start saving yourself...

 

Mr. Lucky

[fiestyfirecracker]

Don't know if the OP should go or stay but I'm certain she needs to get herself to a point where she has options,

 

fiestyfirecracker, how old are you? At some point it stops being your family's responsibility to house and care for you so I'm not sure why you focus on their unavailability. You need to help yourself - get a better job, find a second part-time one, provide for yourself. Otherwise, just as you moved in with him to escape your father, you could put yourself in another precarious situation.

 

Quit waiting to be rescued, start saving yourself...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

When did I ever say I wanted someone else to save me? I'm just saying it's difficult I have very little time to take on another job. I don't expect anyone to save me I know I have to do this for myself. There are many ins and outs that I can't get in to but it will get better for me. I just need a gameplan.

[Angelica21]

Dear Feisty,

 

I'm sending a lot of sympathy and compassion your way. So many of us end up in difficult situations, and fixing it can be very challenging.

 

I'm going to say some of the same things advised above, but maybe say them in a more positive way, a "it will be hard, but you can do it" way.

 

Your original question, "Better off alone?". Yes, you will be better off alone, so that is the first goal to accomplish.

 

First, find a place to live that is just a few minutes away from where you work. You will probably need to share a flat with someone, so try to find someone as "normal" as possible! Like maybe an elderly lady who needs additional income so she's renting out a room in her home. Or university students.

 

Living with roommate(s) still counts as being alone if each roommate is supporting herself, and the relationships between/among the roommates remains cordial and business-like.

 

Go for a while with no dating and no romantic relationship.

 

You can do it, FeistyFirecracker! Is your username a good description of you, or did you choose that because that is how you want to be? LOL

[Jeff1690]

Just you saying he wants pictures etc about where you are to me says this guy has big trust issues. He also sounds like he wants to control you by you having to check in with him.

 

I would start putting what money you can back and save. Look for a better paying job. If you have close single friends see if you can move in with them. Or maybe try to find an older couple with a room to rent.

 

If he is driving you towards thinking about harming yourself that is a toxic relationship you need out of. Good luck and keep us posted.