Howyoulikeme Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 I went out for drinks and a dinner with my girlfriend at the weekend. long story short, I ended up feeling quite left out. She was talking to everybody else a lot but very little with me. I sat tight then we walked along about 10 mins to the next bar trailing behind again with her sister and sisters husband in front, her and her friend chatting. Went up a bunch of stairs to get into this bar and I had to stop because some drunken guys were coming down the stairs and were all over the place. They had continued walking and when I got upstairs I couldn’t even see them in the bar. I noticed them right at the other side so I walked over. I felt kinda ****ty because I would never let anyone trail behind like that or just walk away and assume they were coming. It’s not in my nature. She then still barely spoke to me for an hour in that bar and I just sat tight. Then we get outside and she says to me ‘you’re quiet, what’s up’ I say I feel like I’m a spare part being here. She got super mad at me and said not everything’s about you. I said I’m not asking it to be, just talk to me so I’m not sitting here in silence. I’ve only met your sister and your friend twice. She then looked so mad. My friends were in town so I said they were gonna spin by. They showed up and I talked to them for ten mins and her sisters husband came over and said do you not think you should be sitting with your girlfriend instead of chatting with your friends and looking like you’re having a great time. He was all up in my face and angry. He’s a hot headed idiot. My girlfriend was in a sulk the rest of the night and he repeatedly called me a ****ing arse hole to my gf and his wife and kept punching his hand into his fist like he was going to hit me. I told my gf the next day, I never want to be around that guy again because I felt threatened by him and I told her what I saw and she thinks I’m lying. This is a ****ty situation and I’m not sure what to do now… She said to me last night, that guy is her family and he's lovely and if we can't get on and I don't wanna be at family events because he's there, there's no way our relationship can work out.
Omei Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 (edited) It's you who is walking sluggishly behind not putting yourself out there not getting involved not taking part then your blaming your gf for it. She can't baby you you're an adult she expects you to be able to conduct yourself in a group without having to need special attentions. Keep up. You were making it all about you with your self pity instead of just trying to get to know everyone you decided to close yourself off. Her family prob picked up on your additude and being her family stuck up for her that's all. Surely she can spend some time with her family without you getting upset from lack of attentions...like you said they've only been around twice a good part of being a partner is knowing when it's not about you and just being there in support. Edited August 16, 2016 by Omei 3
Author Howyoulikeme Posted August 16, 2016 Author Posted August 16, 2016 It's you who is walking sluggishly behind not putting yourself out there not getting involved not taking part then your blaming your gf for it. She can't baby you you're an adult she expects you to be able to conduct yourself in a group without having to need special attentions. Keep up. You were making it all about you with your self pity instead of just trying to get to know everyone you decided to close yourself off. Her family prob picked up on your additude and being her family stuck up for her that's all. Surely she can spend some time with her family without you getting upaet from lack of attentions...like you said they've only been around twice a good part of being a partner is knowing when it's not about you and just being there in support. I see what you're saying and I don't disagree. I still don't like how it was her sister and sisters husband and then her and her friend, then me. They just walked away into the bar. I know it's an odd number of people and I should've tried to input more. I don't expect to be babied but I myself would never walk off like that. I would make sure everyone was there. My friends would never do that either. The sisters husband is a whole other story. He's a wanker. My bull**** meter was through the roof the first time I met him. I was really calm when he 'told me off' and all night when he was making those gestures. He doesn't know anything about me and should be careful. I'm not the type to fight but one of my friends that was there does mma and said he would've knocked him out if he touched me. I wanna figure things out with this girl but I know it's gonna be tough for me to be around this guy because he's totally full of ****. I've met versions of him a thousand times over and it's always the same. Massive faker but everyone thinks the son shines out of his arse
Toodaloo Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 What a heck of a lot of drama over nothing. Couldn't be doing with it. They all sound like they are 12 or something. 1
Author Howyoulikeme Posted August 16, 2016 Author Posted August 16, 2016 What a heck of a lot of drama over nothing. Couldn't be doing with it. They all sound like they are 12 or something. Should I just accept full responsibility for this and apologise and hopefully try to move things forward. I think a lot of my problem is, I base things off of what I'd do. And then I get upset by it. I wouldn't let someone trail behind or wander off into a bar with my boyfriend not in sight. Also if someone said to me I feel left out, I wouldn't get angry and say why you making it about you. I'd say I'm sorry you feel like that. I've always been soft natured but this girl is hard natured. You're born with your temperament and I understand that but I find it hard to understand hard natured people sometimes. Other situations we've been in and she's shown very little remorse. I threw a party at my house a few months ago and she got drunk and ended up stomping around the house upset because somebody kept jumping her Spotify playlist. My friends and family didn't look very amused. But I didn't say anything to her the next day. I let her off because I'm always soft with people
Toodaloo Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 Should I just accept full responsibility for this and apologise and hopefully try to move things forward. I think a lot of my problem is, I base things off of what I'd do. And then I get upset by it. I wouldn't let someone trail behind or wander off into a bar with my boyfriend not in sight. Also if someone said to me I feel left out, I wouldn't get angry and say why you making it about you. I'd say I'm sorry you feel like that. I've always been soft natured but this girl is hard natured. You're born with your temperament and I understand that but I find it hard to understand hard natured people sometimes. Other situations we've been in and she's shown very little remorse. I threw a party at my house a few months ago and she got drunk and ended up stomping around the house upset because somebody kept jumping her Spotify playlist. My friends and family didn't look very amused. But I didn't say anything to her the next day. I let her off because I'm always soft with people You know what you are describing is a very basic miss match here don't you... and you are trying to make it all better while she stomps about? Do yourself a favour. Find someone better suited to you. 2
Grisho Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 I imagine this scenario could play out with my boyfriend, and am happier when I socialise away from him with my friends, because he is painfully shy around new people and people he doesn't know extremely well. I think you could have made more effort to chat with the people in attendance. I'm not sure what you were expecting from hanging back so much - that they'd come and chat to you? There's nothing awkward about chatting in a group of 3 or 4 or 5 people. It's a mystery to me why you think the number of people matters.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 This all sounds rather juvenile. Yes, you should have made more effort to integrate yourself. And yes, your girlfriend probably could have done more to involve you in conversation. Yes, her brother-in-law is a hot head and made himself look ridiculous. But you kind of sound ridiculous too, with this talk of how he "should be careful" and your "friend does mam." Come on. I wouldn't let this brew any more drama. You both could have done more to make the night a happier one. 3
Author Howyoulikeme Posted August 16, 2016 Author Posted August 16, 2016 I can't make a better of the situation now. I was actually chatting to the other people a few times. It was her who was not chatting to me. She had her back to me a lot of the time at the table and would turn round occasionally and say 'are you alright' I don't think stuff like that is very cool because I wouldn't do it to other people. I could've sat back and just contented myself and let her enjoy her night but I thought what's the point in me being there if that's the case. She's said to me a load of times now I've ruined her birthday. I don't want that crap to be hung over my head from now until forever. It's one night that just so happened to be your birthday. There does seem to be a mis match sometimes but most of the time we get along really well. Other than finding a better match, what would anyone suggest in how to proceed. She's basically saying if I can't be around that guy, she can't date me because I'm basically saying I can't attend any family functions because he's always gonna be there. So if I still wanna be with her, do I just suck it up and show up to the family things?
Grisho Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 Had you bothered to be more involved with the other people, and enjoying the ambiance of the occasion, I'm sure she would have chatted with you more. When you are needy and desperate for her to spend all her time with you, it makes the evening unpleasant, because she wants to be around everyone, and stay in the euphoria of the moment. When it's clear that you're pissed off and expect her to stay by your side, it makes it impossible for her to enjoy herself. Had you been just basking in the occasion to see her glow, and to focus this 1 day on doing whatever she wanted, she'd have naturally gravitated more towards you to ask more than "are you ok?". She'd have joined in some of the conversations you were having with others. She'd have overheard you laughing a lot with other people, and wanted to come find out what fun or silliness she was missing out on. 5
Poutrew Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 You need to find another girlfriend. Remember what she said - the other guy is family and you are not... if she is choosing, she chooses him over you. You can take that to the bank. I imagine the next thing is she will make you go over to the sister's husband and apologize profusely for you being such an unfunny douche bag... really, no woman is worth groveling for. Find someone who has a temperament match to yourself and let these Hee-haw hillbillies procreate in peace. 1
Lois_Griffin Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 Ugh. There's nothing worse than an attention seeking, whiny little sad sack. That would be you. Instead of being a confident man, you sulked and whined and wanted her to pay attention to you and acted like a drama queen when she didn't. How utterly unappealing. You just made yourself look weak and needy. 3
Toodaloo Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 She's basically saying if I can't be around that guy, she can't date me because I'm basically saying I can't attend any family functions because he's always gonna be there. So if I still wanna be with her, do I just suck it up and show up to the family things? Huzzah - you have your "out". Take it and run. No point in being with someone just for the sake of being with someone. Free yourself up so you can date ore suitable people and then you will not have to be the whiney little sad sack that Louis describes. Time to grow a pair and quit settling. 1
Author Howyoulikeme Posted August 16, 2016 Author Posted August 16, 2016 Had you bothered to be more involved with the other people, and enjoying the ambiance of the occasion, I'm sure she would have chatted with you more. When you are needy and desperate for her to spend all her time with you, it makes the evening unpleasant, because she wants to be around everyone, and stay in the euphoria of the moment. When it's clear that you're pissed off and expect her to stay by your side, it makes it impossible for her to enjoy herself. Had you been just basking in the occasion to see her glow, and to focus this 1 day on doing whatever she wanted, she'd have naturally gravitated more towards you to ask more than "are you ok?". She'd have joined in some of the conversations you were having with others. She'd have overheard you laughing a lot with other people, and wanted to come find out what fun or silliness she was missing out on. I tried a lot in the beginning but I was sitting at the top end of the table and I was having to shout down it to speak because they could barely hear me. Then she was sitting kinda with her back like towards me and showing her friends pictures on her phone and she didn't turn round to show me. They were talking bout something and laughing and I had to keep asking what, because again she wasn't involving me. I could've tried harder later after we left that place but I already felt left out at that point so I thought why bother. Which I shouldn't have done. If I'd of invited her out with my friends and family, knowing she's only met them a couple of times I'd make sure she was always involved in the conversation. It doesn't feel right to me and her and I clearly have different opinions on how it should be. I don't like ultimatums like you have to get on with my brother in law or this won't work cos I don't wanna go to family events alone. Dead serious face, no compassion. I've been out with girlfriends over the years and socialised so well the friends are asking when I'm coming out again. But those times I can remember I wasn't left out by the girl in the same way so I felt comfortable to do it. I also don't like the you've made it about you thing. Everything's about somebody. If it's not about me it's about you. That means when her brother in law started acting like an idiot, he made it about him. Maybe I should just get out of this situation
Author Howyoulikeme Posted August 16, 2016 Author Posted August 16, 2016 Ugh. There's nothing worse than an attention seeking, whiny little sad sack. That would be you. Instead of being a confident man, you sulked and whined and wanted her to pay attention to you and acted like a drama queen when she didn't. How utterly unappealing. You just made yourself look weak and needy. You're right, I did. If I was a confident man, I wouldn't of let myself stay in a situation where I'm bored out my mind trying to occupy myself while I get left out. I would've jetted and gone hung out with my friends who actually involve me. 1
TXGuy Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 Your GFs bro in law is a thug and you GF is a worthless ankle who did not have your back while thuggish A hole was doing his thing. I would not be willing to be part of that family. You can break up with her or just demote her to non serious relationship. Both you and she might or might not have had valid beefs with each other regarding 'ignoring' each other. But the thug brother in law was way out of line and your gf did nothing. I would bet that gf and her sis sent him over there themselves. This girl is not a keeper. 2
Toodaloo Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 You're right, I did. If I was a confident man, I wouldn't of let myself stay in a situation where I'm bored out my mind trying to occupy myself while I get left out. I would've jetted and gone hung out with my friends who actually involve me. So you going to be confident and brave or the whiney sack? Your choice. Good luck with it.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 It sounds like you're not happy, and if you don't want to be around her brother-in-law (and thus attend family functions) the relationship won't work. I don't see this one panning out. 2
Grisho Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 This is the one day you should have put aside your petty resentments. It was her birthday. She wasn't doing anything extreme. You just should have focused in helping her to have a great time. If you end up in a seating formation where you cannot participate, move your seat so you can participate. Go and have a chat with every guests. Introduce yourself. Secretly plan a chorus of happy birthday later in the night. There's little worse than a silent energy drain making everyone miserable because their face is sullen and it's clear they're waiting for everyone else to entertain them. You're so caught up in what you would have done if the roles were reversed, that you cannot see that the way she handled it was also fine. Your ways would be different; it's not that you are right and she is wrong. 3
Author Howyoulikeme Posted August 16, 2016 Author Posted August 16, 2016 Your GFs bro in law is a thug and you GF is a worthless ankle who did not have your back while thuggish A hole was doing his thing. I would not be willing to be part of that family. You can break up with her or just demote her to non serious relationship. Both you and she might or might not have had valid beefs with each other regarding 'ignoring' each other. But the thug brother in law was way out of line and your gf did nothing. I would bet that gf and her sis sent him over there themselves. This girl is not a keeper. I already said thanks for having my back while your brother in law clearly wanted to beat me up and called me an arse hole. She said you were being an arsehole and she doesn't believe he was doing those actions I described. She was very drunk so she wouldn't have noticed anyway. He also made a massive deal about my friends being there even though he met up with his friends at the first bar and was sitting separately chatting to them. He's a bully. We left the bar and his wife was chatting to the dj saying bye an he pointed at her, snapped his fingers and then pointed to the ground in front of him and she came running over. Ooooo great guy
Grisho Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 I already said thanks for having my back while your brother in law clearly wanted to beat me up and called me an arse hole. Now we see you are also passive aggressive. This is an abusive way to treat your girlfriend. You don't seem to be capable of articulating yourself fairly when you perceive yourself to have a problem. You resort to mistreatment of your partner to stress your dismay. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 Now we see you are also passive aggressive. This is an abusive way to treat your girlfriend. You don't seem to be capable of articulating yourself fairly when you perceive yourself to have a problem. You resort to mistreatment of your partner to stress your dismay. Bingo. You need to work on your communication skills, OP. 2
Author Howyoulikeme Posted August 16, 2016 Author Posted August 16, 2016 Bingo. You need to work on your communication skills, OP. How else would I articulate that? I'm not saying I'm not at fault. Help me out
ChatroomHero Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 I disagree with a lot of the posters here. When you are with a group of people you don't know well it's not always a matter of just integrating yourself, a lot of times you are in fact left out. When I bring my gf to a function where she does not know people well, I am very mindful to include her, introduce her and if I am having inside conversations, I do what I can to fill her in and include her. With family it is forced friends, and from what the OP says about the BIL, seriously, how happy would anyone here be spending time with a complete tool like that. Why would you want to pretend to want to talk to an asshat like that under any circumstance. When the BIL was threatening OP for something that was absolutely none of his business, there are two way as a man you can handle that. Beat the hell out of him or avoid him to avoid the conflict. Fact of the matter is, it was not BILs business to interject and threaten to punch him. I assume his gf was privy to BIL making punching gestures and threatening him which she should have totally disavowed that and told BIL to leave. Family or not, I wonder if OP had a sister and he told her what happened and his sister told his gf she wanted to beat the hell out of her and OP said, "hey, we are hanging out with my sister this weekend". Would you support him? 2
Grisho Posted August 16, 2016 Posted August 16, 2016 I disagree with a lot of the posters here. When you are with a group of people you don't know well it's not always a matter of just integrating yourself, a lot of times you are in fact left out. When I bring my gf to a function where she does not know people well, I am very mindful to include her, introduce her and if I am having inside conversations, I do what I can to fill her in and include her. With family it is forced friends, and from what the OP says about the BIL, seriously, how happy would anyone here be spending time with a complete tool like that. Why would you want to pretend to want to talk to an asshat like that under any circumstance. When the BIL was threatening OP for something that was absolutely none of his business, there are two way as a man you can handle that. Beat the hell out of him or avoid him to avoid the conflict. Fact of the matter is, it was not BILs business to interject and threaten to punch him. I assume his gf was privy to BIL making punching gestures and threatening him which she should have totally disavowed that and told BIL to leave. Family or not, I wonder if OP had a sister and he told her what happened and his sister told his gf she wanted to beat the hell out of her and OP said, "hey, we are hanging out with my sister this weekend". Would you support him? I don't actually believe the OP's take on any of this. Here's way: -He is so obsessed with his way of doing things, that he considers anything different to be unacceptable and a sign of them not having his superior intelligence and insight -He is so obsessed with being the centre of his girlfriend's attention at all times, that he considers any time that's not the case to be a sign of her lack of care -He is prone to abuse, passive aggression and hostility Based on all of these factors, I'm inclined to think he paints himself as the victim in any situation in life where he didn't get the outcome of his choosing. Nothing in his posts is objective. Everyone else slighted him. Everyone else is aggressive. Everyone else has no idea how to treat guests.
Recommended Posts