Frivolous Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 Hi Loveshackers! So the ugly face of jealousy made me crack the other day. Been in a great relationship for 7 months now with a girl who makes me feel very secure which is awesome. When talking over boundaries and stuff we seemed to completely agree. So the it felt like I was hit with a bit of a bombshell when she was happily planning to have a guy friend visit her and stay the night. I was going to let it slide as she has been so great since we have been together but then I just popped and told her I wasn't happy about it. She thought her case saying he was really an exception because of the hard time he helped her through. My opinion is that there can't be any exceptions to boundaries and it was quite out of order to have a guy friend stay over when I'm not there. Granted she still lives at her parents house so someone will probably be there but I just don't think it's acceptable. She said she wouldn't see him if it makes me feel awkward but of course I just feel bad about it now and I'm still upset that she put me in this situation without even running it by me first. Am I just being jealous or was she out of order? Luckily the guy is just visiting for a few weeks as he's moving out to the US but it makes me think if he was here we could potentially have a very big problem. I welcome your opinions and experiences! Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 It is with her parents, so assumably they know him and are staying in separate rooms? Yeah, you are out of line.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Frivolous Posted August 16, 2016 Author Share Posted August 16, 2016 It is with her parents, so assumably they know him and are staying in separate rooms? Yeah, you are out of line.... I hope that he would be staying in a separate room! I am assuming that her mum will be there because I know her dad is away. I totally get they are close but I feel it's very inconsiderate to spend time with a friend of the opposite sex at home when you're in a relationship?? Will he not just be a stand in bf every time I'm not there?? I would feel really guilty if I let a girl friend of my stay over. Maybe I'm just insecure about not living close to her but it feels wrong! Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 Its about how you feel about it. Its your relationship with her. If you feel uncomfortable then all you can do is express how you feel. If she still chooses to allow this other guy to stay over then all you can do is to react to that. I was raised old fashioned so for me that is crossing a line but that is just me. You have to figure out what you will accept in this relationship. Me personally I wouldn't waste a nights sleep over it. If she went ahead and did it I would wish her the best and move on with my life. There are plenty of women out there and you just need to find one more inline with your beliefs and boundaries . It doesn't mean she is in the wrong it just means you probably don't match up that way at all. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 Sorry but IMO you are getting out of control. So this is a long distance relationship? You ever met in person? How often do you see each other? Why can't you just go over and visit and meet this friend and be cool about it? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 I totally get they are close but I feel it's very inconsiderate to spend time with a friend of the opposite sex at home when you're in a relationship?? Will he not just be a stand in bf every time I'm not there?? I would feel really guilty if I let a girl friend of my stay over. Maybe I'm just insecure about not living close to her but it feels wrong! Do you understand the difference between a friend and a boyfriend? A friend doesn't become a "stand in boyfriend" just because he happens to be there. What does that even mean, anyway? Do you think all men are interchangeable, that just because a male friend happens to be in the same house as her that she will then view him as a boyfriend? Very strange. But anyway, you either trust her or you don't. If you don't trust her, I don't see why you are in a relationship with her. She can cheat anytime she wants --she doesn't need to wait for one of her male friends to show up at her door for a visit. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 how old are you and your gf? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Frivolous Posted August 16, 2016 Author Share Posted August 16, 2016 @clay I try to be as flexible as possible but like you am quite traditional so struggle to see the point in having such intimate time with a friend of the opposite sex rather than just a chat on the phone or a coffee/lunch. @smackie9 It has only just become a LDR because we met I uni but now we've finished she is living at home again while she finds a job. So we have known of each other for 4 years now but have been together for 7 months. This friend of hers is a guy she met in the 1st year of uni and I met him for the first time the other day. I can't be there with them because I have already found a job so will be at work where I live (2 hours away) @clia I do understand the difference between friend and bf but without boundaries they not exactly relevant labels. There is also the concept of emotional cheating! Therefore, I don't like to be put into situations prompt jealous thoughts. likewise, I wouldn't have a girl stay at mine because I think its unfair to my gf. A bit of consideration is very important IMO. How would you like it if your OH spent has much time with their opposite sex friend as you?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Frivolous Posted August 16, 2016 Author Share Posted August 16, 2016 how old are you and your gf? I'm 29 and she's 23 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 Are you sure there's even "intimate time" and not just a friend crashing at her place? I think your mind plays some tricks on you and you imagine them sitting alone in her room with barely any clothes on and having some "intimate time" while drinking wine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Frivolous Posted August 16, 2016 Author Share Posted August 16, 2016 Are you sure there's even "intimate time" and not just a friend crashing at her place? I think your mind plays some tricks on you and you imagine them sitting alone in her room with barely any clothes on and having some "intimate time" while drinking wine. Well actually she does have a pool and her parents always have alcohol in the house so "intimate time" is actually highly probable in this scenario. Neither of them have work to get up for! Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 Why don't you trust her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Frivolous Posted August 16, 2016 Author Share Posted August 16, 2016 Why don't you trust her? I totally trust her but for me this is more about values and the principal of the situation. We have talked about boundaries in the past and both voiced our insecurities and this situation goes totally against that, hence my negative emotions are going crazy. I feel a level of disappointment as she has thrown my perspective of her values way off. I also couldn't imagine the situation being reversed but I would feel too guilty to even consider inviting another girl to my house. I'm really trying to focus on the circumstances of their friendship but it still feels like she has thrown me a curve ball. It was just the other day when I was talking about the girls I work with and she jokingly said "i'll have to keep an eye on you and those girls"!! This pretty much sums up the amount of insecurity we both feel so I feel completely taken back by this situation grrrr! Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 Dump her then....obviously she has no values, you are not on the same page or compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 Frivolous, Just my $ 02 (1) is this guy friend unemployed. If not, why does he need to stay with her (2) staying at her parents does not mean crap as far as whether or not this is OK. Her parents may not be home, or they could and probably will go out somewhere WITHOUT you. (3) why were you not invited to meet him and hang out WITH them??? (4) so if this occurs, I guess you just take her word for everything that happened and you stay away for the week end with they "catch up on old times"??? If this guy is TRULY just a friend (and friends have sex with each other many times) why are you not included in EVERYTHING they have planned. Why does she need alone time with him??? I hope you have good explanations for all this stuff from her. And lastly, if she would have been upset if you had done this, what right does she have to do it??? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 I don't think the problem is a guy staying over. As you put it it's a guy she helped get over some sh*t, so there's a strong emotional bond rather than the relationship being a yuck yuck laughs a minute type buddy. You saw y'all went to the same uni? Did you hang out together? Was he an orbiter? What vibes did you get from him? The fact you've even got a niggle is a problem. What's the scenario here? Is the guy coming over to specifically see her or is he in town and crashing for the night? Thing is man, this is an LDR. You've already made it plain what your "values" are, if she's that way inclined she might not just mention it to you next time. Do you plan to live together or at least be in the same vicinity in the future? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 TBH 2 hours is not really long distance unless you need to take a bus. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pantera Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 I understand your concern. But since its at her parents house, it sound less harmful. Hopefully it dont turn out to be something else or grow into that. Specially if you guys trying to do the long distance type of thing. Eventhou you should ask yourself what kind of morals does she have? Would she be letting him stay if she was living alone? Maybe this is time to have serious talk about boundaries and concerns. If she is the type of girl that find it normal to have guy friends stay over generally then maybe she is not your type of girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Frivolous Posted August 18, 2016 Author Share Posted August 18, 2016 Frivolous, Just my $ 02 (1) is this guy friend unemployed. If not, why does he need to stay with her (2) staying at her parents does not mean crap as far as whether or not this is OK. Her parents may not be home, or they could and probably will go out somewhere WITHOUT you. (3) why were you not invited to meet him and hang out WITH them??? (4) so if this occurs, I guess you just take her word for everything that happened and you stay away for the week end with they "catch up on old times"??? If this guy is TRULY just a friend (and friends have sex with each other many times) why are you not included in EVERYTHING they have planned. Why does she need alone time with him??? I hope you have good explanations for all this stuff from her. And lastly, if she would have been upset if you had done this, what right does she have to do it??? The guy was a uni friend who lives a few hours away but has got time off so was going to visit her. I could of joined them but I'm working and live 2 hours away. The explanation is that she wouldn't invite any other guys its just because they are close friends and he lives hours away so it wouldn't be worth him coming to just have a coffee or whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
Tribble Posted August 18, 2016 Share Posted August 18, 2016 The thing is, you can't help the way you feel. I think, if she is trustworthy, you're over reacting, but you can't help that. You've said you expressed your concerns and she respected that and said she'd cancel. So what is the problem here? On the other side, I have an experience to offer. I work away a lot with work and, when I'm lucky, I'll be in the vicinity of one of my friends from uni and I can see them. One such time, was a guy friend. We were really good friends and there was NEVER anything between us. At the time I visited, he had a gf and I stayed for the weekend at his parents house. We went for a couple of walks, went out for dinner etc. etc. Nothing romantic ever happened, completely 100% platonic. I also just went to visit another friend for a long weekend in a different country. While both of us were single, nothing happened and we spent a lot of time together. I had planned the trip even when I was with my ex. He couldn't go, so I was going to visit my friend and see a new place by myself. There was never any risk of any boundaries being crossed. My point is, just because they are in the same vicinity does not automatically mean that something untoward will happen. You either trust your gf or you don't. It also comes down to their relationship, is it flirty, does one of them want a bit more etc or is it purely friendship? At the end of the day, your gf could cheat whenever she wanted, proximity makes no difference. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Frivolous Posted August 18, 2016 Author Share Posted August 18, 2016 Thanks for all your responses. Tribble thanks for sharing your experiences. I accept that I'm probably quite rigid when it comes to this stuff but from past experience I have seen people push boundaries way too far for my liking. Although it feels like quite a downer I have fully explained my concerns to my gf and she said that she totally understands and will try to make sure I'm comfortable with things. Tribble your trips would also make me feel quite insecure so its nice to know that you only caught up as friends. It may seem really old fashioned of me but I would never stay at another girls house under any circumstance when I have a partner unless there was good reason and I had asked them first. I'm pretty content with my girlfriends reaction so the rest will just just have to develop with time. For now I am happy that she will be considerate of her guy friendships and not put herself in any situations that could be misconstrued. Likewise I will offer her the same so hopefully we have started outvtge right way! Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 19, 2016 Share Posted August 19, 2016 The guy was a uni friend who lives a few hours away but has got time off so was going to visit her. The fact that he is coming there just to see your girlfriend is a cause for concern. The explanation is that she wouldn't invite any other guys its just because they are close friends and he lives hours away so it wouldn't be worth him coming to just have a coffee or whatever. Orbiters are men that hang out with women that they are attracted to under the cover of just being friends, when in fact if given the opportunity they would like to be more than just friends. Your gut is telling you something is wrong, which indicates that subconsciously you think that this guy is an orbiter. Trust your gut. According to a 2012 article in Scientific American titled ‘Men and Women Can’t Be “Just Friends”’ which cited a University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, USA, study published in JSPR (Journal of Social and Personal Relationships), men and women have a completely different view of their opposite sex friends. The article states that ‘New research suggests that there may be some truth to this possibility—that we may think we’re capable of being “just friends” with members of the opposite sex, but the opportunity (or perceived opportunity) for “romance” is often lurking just around the corner’. Also, if you look at any of the many sites on how to steal another man's woman, the advice always given is to first be their friend and then use that friendship to let her vent about her man. One site titled “Taking Another Man's Woman: Part II”, says such things as “She has to perceive your intentions as being strictly innocent and friendly. Getting her to accept you as a friend is very important because later in the strategy, she will have to trust your opinion about her relationship. If she views your intentions as wanting to seduce her, she will not value your opinion.” This and other such sites tell you that no one is perfect so that no matter who her man is, there will be issues that they can exploit. Similarly, another site said "You want to make the girl you want to steal away feel like she can do a lot better than the guy she is currently with. How do you do this? It is quite easy. You want to wait for the perfect opportunity to get your jabs in.” Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted August 19, 2016 Share Posted August 19, 2016 Is that a general statement about the future? Or she will try to make you feel comfortable with this guys staying with her? Not sure I understand??? Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 19, 2016 Share Posted August 19, 2016 she said that she totally understands and will try to make sure I'm comfortable with things. When you analyze what you just said, your girlfriend's statement "that she totally understands" and that she will "try" to make sure that you are "comfortable with things", what she just told you is that the other man ("OM") is coming no matter how you feel about it, but that she will only "try" to make you feel OK about it by telling you what she thinks that you want to hear. Bottom line, she did not back down on not observing your previously agreed upon boundaries with this OM, you did. Boundaries only matter if you do not make exceptions to them just because observing them would mean that you cannot do something that you want to do. Boundaries are the difference between just dating and being a couple. You need to ask yourself are you really a couple. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted August 20, 2016 Share Posted August 20, 2016 If try is correct and you have any self respect, you need to end the relationship now. It does not matter if she is going to screw him or not. She has no respect for you, she thinks you are weak. This other guy is working that angle and is at some point, going to steal her from you. Seriously, you need to dump her. Stand up for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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