Author Frivolous Posted August 20, 2016 Author Share Posted August 20, 2016 Try and BluesPower I agree with you both. At first I thought she was taking advantage and doing what she wanted whether I liked it or not. Its not that I've moved my boundaries, I just went on the defensive because she didn't ask me first like it was normal to invite this guy over to stay. Given the circumstances and how open she has been I'm actually OK with it now and feel asking her not to let him stay wouldn't be the right thing. Basically now we have discussed it and I have made it clear that I'm not happy with it being a "normal" thing I no longer feel threatened as she agreed that it isn't normal for her and is only because of the circumstances. She said she will be considerate of her guy friends now we are together and always ask me first if I'm OK with things. Can't really ask more than that so case closed for now! Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted August 20, 2016 Share Posted August 20, 2016 Hell yes dude you can ask for more than that. You just got played. So lets see, your "girl friend", not, is allowed to have any of her "good guy friends" (ie FU** BUDDIES) over to spend the night whenever she wants. You told her that you were not comfortable with this and she told you basically but very politely to F off, and you are ok with it. Good for you. Look I don't want to be so harsh. When you are in a relationship it is considered wrong for one partner to have a friend of the opposite sex stay over for the night. THIS IS BECAUSE THEY WILL BE SCREWING ALL NIGHT. Is this your first relationship ever. Do you not realize what is going on with her. Why your girl friend is even pretending to be with such a weak man the world will never know. So when she officially dumps you or you do find out that she is screwing her good man friends, will you have the courage to come back to LS and admit how stupid you were and hopefully tell us that you have learned your lesson. You unfortunately are in for a lot up pain, hopefully you will learn how to be a strong man over time and these types of things won't continue to happen to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 20, 2016 Share Posted August 20, 2016 If the guy was some sort of family friend that has known her parents for a long time, then him staying even for weeks with them, may not be such a big deal, but as he is just her friend from uni and she has a bf then he should have organised a guest house or hotel to stay in and she should have pointed him in that direction too. I agree he is probably an orbiter and will take full advantage of the OP not being there to up his status with the gf. OP, she is 23, she will love the attention of guy friends and this one sounds like he is a pretty close to her. That may or may not be a problem for you, time will tell. You had already had the "boundary" talk and here she has openly flouted it. Women are allowed to have guy friends, of course they are, but when they have a serious longish term partner then anything that may be misconstrued needs discussed first. Here, nothing was discussed and now she seems to have shamed and manipulated you into saying nothing about this guy staying with her at her parents house (btw is he visiting for just one night or a "few weeks"? I am unclear.) Be careful here. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted August 20, 2016 Share Posted August 20, 2016 Frivolous, The forum will be here for you when you get "whacked". Like you have been told. You did not get asked, you got told, that some guy is coming to stay with her, and if they were "uni" friends, the chances were they were more than that, or haven't you asked? So now that you are fine with it, what is your plan if it becomes a regular thing. The time to cut it off is before it starts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 20, 2016 Share Posted August 20, 2016 (edited) Try and BluesPower I agree with you both. At first I thought she was taking advantage and doing what she wanted whether I liked it or not. Its not that I've moved my boundaries, I just went on the defensive because she didn't ask me first like it was normal to invite this guy over to stay. Given the circumstances and how open she has been I'm actually OK with it now and feel asking her not to let him stay wouldn't be the right thing. Basically now we have discussed it and I have made it clear that I'm not happy with it being a "normal" thing I no longer feel threatened as she agreed that it isn't normal for her and is only because of the circumstances. She said she will be considerate of her guy friends now we are together and always ask me first if I'm OK with things. Can't really ask more than that so case closed for now! You say that because of the "circumstances" you are OK with this other man ("OM") spending the weekend with her, and that you are happy because she now knows to discuss it with you first. Of course since the circumstances with the OM will be the same the next time he wants to spend the weekend with her, you will be again expected to be OK with it when she discusses it with you, so count on it happening again. As for the circumstances of him being 2 hours drive away being a reason for him spending the night and making a weekend of it, I call bull. The options are not driving that much just for lunch or spending the weekend with her. He could drive up in the morning, spend the day with her, and then drive home that night. People do this type of thing all the time. That being said, I would ask her to only schedule such a trip when I was also there, but then again I do not like orbiters. I agree with others, you got played. BTW, dating is two people of the opposition sex that would be viable candidates to be mates, spending time alone together to get to know each other better in order to give each other the opportunity to develop feeling for each. Most dates do not involve sex, and many do not even involve kissing. What she is doing with this OM is called a date. Perhaps he wins her over or perhaps he does not, but those are the options involved in all dates. In my book, you are not allowed to date when in an exclusive relationship. And yes that means that you need to no longer explore relationships with members of the opposite sex that you find interesting, but that is what exclusive means. Edited August 20, 2016 by Try Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 Oh Frivolous, she has you right where she wants you. Let me tell you how I would play this situation if I were the other man. For the sake of this scenario, let's call her 'Mary". If you are about to tell me that this can't happen because he is only going to be staying a few days, you have missed the point completely: in order to set this 'visit' up, your girlfriend and this guy are already in active conversation with each other behind your back. Hey Mary, I just want to tell you I'm having a wonderful time staying with you and your Mum for these past few days. Your BF, Frivolous, sure is one lucky guy... what's wrong...did I just say something? Oh, nothing, OM. It's just that Friv gets so jealous sometimes. He can't think past the tip of his , er, you know. He got jealous when he heard you were coming over... he thinks guys and gals just can't be only friends. He showed me some silly article from scientific American showing how it's true... Well, Friv is right, Mary. Guys and gals can't be just friends. You know I've had a huge rush on you since well, forever... Oh, OM, you're making me blush. We are just friends and you know it... Oh, yes, Right. But if your current BF ever drops the ball, give me a call and I'll dust off the dirt and shine it back up for you. You're such a special girl, Mary. I really respect you. It's too bad Friv doesn't trust you more than he does... that's a real disappointment. For sure. Well, let's go to the pool, shall we? I'll lotion your back - wouldn't want the sun hurting that picture perfect skin... Within the first day or two I would have already cast the doubts into Mary's soul. Inside of the first 5 days I'd have given her the first true kiss (apologizing profusely) and within the second week (If I stayed that long) I'd be bedding your girlfriend. The only indication you would have that something was wrong would be her getting 'distant' with you. The only mistake this guy could make is if he worked his magic too fast...don't count on a desperate orbiter making such an amateurish mistake. Sorry, buddy... Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 Try and BluesPower I agree with you both. Referring specifically to me (Try) and BluesPower, in the OPs last post to this thread he starts out by stating that he agrees "with you both". If you look at our posts to this thread, the OP was agreeing with us throwing up red flags and telling the OP why this guy spending the night was wrong. Viewed in this light, anything said afterwards by the OP was under duress by the girlfriend. Can't really ask more than that so case closed for now! The OP literally "Can't really ask" for more because she called the OP's bluff when it came to enforcing a reasonable relationship boundary, meaning she would allow the OP to break up with her over this, but she was not calling off spending the weekend with the other man. So "case closed for now". Link to post Share on other sites
h0000 Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 "She thought her case saying he was really an exception because of the hard time he helped her through" What happened between the two? Did he give her great help in the past, and afterwards they were apart for a long time and now he's moving away completely,he decided to pay her a visit, and she is being grateful and tyring to do him a favor by letting him staying over? Link to post Share on other sites
fenix Posted August 22, 2016 Share Posted August 22, 2016 this is all about boundaries, if you have established some boundaries you should not start making exceptions. For many people this situation would not be a problem, for other people it is a problem, you say that you have discussed boundaries and that she claims this is an exception... there is where I think the problem is... there are not exceptions in boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 OP hasn't been on here since last Thursday........... Link to post Share on other sites
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