Is this as abusive as it feels?

[opinio]

Backstory: I am remarried to a man who makes a good income but is fortunate enough not to have to work very hard. He owns the company and comes home most days by noon.

 

I work from home. But, I still have many obligations. I have webinar calls and scheduled conference calls. Today, I had 2 important phone calls from people who were returning my call from the morning.

 

Well, when my DH gets home around lunch, he wants to go eat lunch somewhere and then runs errands, goes and works out etc etc.

 

He gets extremely jealous if I am talking to men and it's as if he wants them to hear him in the background.

 

Today, we were leaving lunch and my important client called back. The entire time he kept trying to talk to me. I was struggling....he asked me loudly in the car, if I wanted a coffee. Then he checked his email and said that he got the quote for painting the house and it was ___.

 

I gave him the look both times and he didn't seem to get it!

 

I got off the phone and I asked him to respect when I am working and he said that I am just trying to pick a fight. He said that I need to be more diligent about not taking calls at inappropriate times. I said I should never go anywhere then with him! But, I try to be flexible because I know he enjoys when we are together... he just spun the whole thing on me.

 

I am at my wits end. I have an office at home. Even if I close the door, he walks in. Or he will text me while i'm on the phone and ask me questions that don't need immediate answers but HE thinks they do.

 

He just simply seems to have no respect for my duties. I have a meeting tomorrow out of town. I told him this. He said I should have changed the date because HE had to work and HE wanted to go with me out of town. I told him that I couldn't change this -- it involved my boss. He said -- you dictate your own schedule and accused me of having trouble being a strong professional.

 

What would you do here?

[RecentChange]

I don't think I would go so far as call this ABUSE. Lack of respect perhaps, but abuse?

 

What would I do? I would probably rent a shared work space. That is what my husband does for his "work from home duties" - it's not that I get in his way (I am usually not there!), But it helps him get in "work mode" and be assured he has a quiet space to take calls, video conference, etc. It's a relatively small cost, and increase his productivity.

 

Also, talk to your husband, having back ground noise / conversations while on business calls is extremely unprofessional.

 

What industry are you in? Do you have to take calls while out at lunch, or can it wait until you are back to your home office?

[opinio]

Well, I hear you. But he basically mandates that we are together all the time or he takes offense. Even if I get messages from work and if I make a face about them or something he will say "what's going on?" I'll say -- it's just work. He will say why are you hiding things from me. Are you talking to a man or something?

 

So, I will instantly have to show him what I'm doing -- he acts like he needs a play by play of everything I do.

 

He is about to open a new franchise of his business and he said that he is going to have to be gone 12 hours a day. I thought GOOD! He said this will be extremely damaging to our relationship because he will be wondering what I'm doing all day and who I am with.

 

I told him that I can't just sit in the house alone for 12 hours a day -- and that I need to go get a shared workspace or something. He said that he wants me to work out of his office and that way we can always still be together.

 

We are not in the same industry.

 

As for whether I can wait to take calls from lunch. The problem is he calls this lunch but it's really a 3 hour ....lunch/run errands/get coffee/drive around and see new houses. He just is one big waste of time -- every day.

 

Would I rather be locked in the house? No, but I think it's important that I present myself as working instead of taking 4 to 5 hours off everyday.

[ChickiePops]

Why can't you just tell him he's being ridiculous? Don't go with him, do your work.

[MidwestUSA]

How long do you intend to stay with this controlling piece of work? Why keep coming back, time after time, with the same complaints?

[opinio]

I can't explain it, but he acts as if (and says as much) I work separately from him that our relationship will be damaged. He says that I am acting distant -- if I even get quiet while working.

 

He is the type who needs non stop attention. I was considering taking a job which required that I work at the company 8 hours a day and some weekends on call. He went nuts and said he doesn't want to live like that -- he worked hard and paid his dues and he doesn't want me working weekends and ruining family plans etc.

 

I truly think he will threaten divorce again if I suggest that I work on a project without him around. I have to travel next month for a few days for work. He is super ticked off that I haven't canceled the trip because he can't go. He has to work himself. He said this isn't how he wants to live his life and that he would rather be alone than live a separate life while married.

[jen1447]

Yeah, I'd straighten it out real fast - I agree w RC it's not exactly abuse but he's exhibiting controlling and passive aggressive and blame shifting behaviors that are troubling, and he's being intrusive and disrespectful and taking liberties. All that's either signs of immaturity or manipulation, neither of which are good.

 

How dependent are you on him, if at all? The only way you standing up for yourself here has teeth is if you're able and prepared to walk out if necessary.

[RecentChange]

Re-married.....

 

Does that mean you divorced before? If so, why? Why did you get back together?

 

He sounds extremely controlling, extremely jealous, and very distrustful. WHY?

 

I am not saying it is your fault that he behaves this way, but on the other hand, you married a man who behaves this way. WHY?

 

This doesn't sound about like it is so much about your work, but his need to watch over and control you 24/7.

 

That wouldn't fly for me at all - but I also spend 13 hours a day away from my husband working. And get this kicker, I HAVE cheated, yet he still does not look over my shoulder like you describe, he doesn't try to control my where abouts - none of that.

 

So, why did you marry such a control freak, and why is there no trust?

[ChickiePops]

I can't explain it, but he acts as if (and says as much) I work separately from him that our relationship will be damaged. He says that I am acting distant -- if I even get quiet while working.

 

He is the type who needs non stop attention. I was considering taking a job which required that I work at the company 8 hours a day and some weekends on call. He went nuts and said he doesn't want to live like that -- he worked hard and paid his dues and he doesn't want me working weekends and ruining family plans etc.

 

I truly think he will threaten divorce again if I suggest that I work on a project without him around. I have to travel next month for a few days for work. He is super ticked off that I haven't canceled the trip because he can't go. He has to work himself. He said this isn't how he wants to live his life and that he would rather be alone than live a separate life while married.

 

From the sound of this post (and the posts under your previous names), it sounds like divorce isn't so much a threat as it is a blessing. This dumbass will never change. Either leave or learn to live with it.