blueberry13 Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 Almost married 20 years. 2 kids. When and if I need to approach my so about something important (like a problem our child might be having) he gets angry. Anything serious to talk about he reacts with anger. I recently tried to talk about a situation with my daughter and I barely got a word in and he said 'Get to the f-ing point!' I started a new job and was with him recently nearby the location and I excitedly said 'Oh, let me show you where I work' He replied 'Why would I want to see where you work, I don't like to talk about my work, why would I want to see yours, I have no interest.' He literally has no idea how that could make me feel bad. When I told him it made me feel bad, he replied - 'I was just telling the truth, I have no interest'. He will always act like nothing happened after and call me sexy and be affectionate. He's responsible, generous, a good provider, an involved father - but aren't I missing a most important ingredient such as someone who is emotionally supportive? He has an anger switch and I've spent the last 10 years confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 16, 2016 Share Posted August 16, 2016 Almost married 20 years. 2 kids. When and if I need to approach my so about something important (like a problem our child might be having) he gets angry. Anything serious to talk about he reacts with anger. I recently tried to talk about a situation with my daughter and I barely got a word in and he said 'Get to the f-ing point!' I started a new job and was with him recently nearby the location and I excitedly said 'Oh, let me show you where I work' He replied 'Why would I want to see where you work, I don't like to talk about my work, why would I want to see yours, I have no interest.' He literally has no idea how that could make me feel bad. When I told him it made me feel bad, he replied - 'I was just telling the truth, I have no interest'. He will always act like nothing happened after and call me sexy and be affectionate. He's responsible, generous, a good provider, an involved father - but aren't I missing a most important ingredient such as someone who is emotionally supportive? He has an anger switch and I've spent the last 10 years confused. but aren't I missing a most important ingredient such as someone who is emotionally supportive? Yes, you are missing that. Not only is that missing, he is emotionally abusive . . . You've spent the last 10 years stifled and controlled. Switching between anger and sweetness is manipulative. It's the reason you're confused. It's making you question yourself. Like there's something wrong with you. It's similar to gaslighting. I doubt he would be receptive to counseling given his behavior, so I'd start putting away some cash here and there, open a credit card in your name and get paperless statements sent to your own email. Don't use the card, save it for later. Making preparations for moving out. Spend a couple of months getting your ducks in a row and making a plan. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 I'm wondering why stay in the marriage at all. Your children *must* see how he treats you and by allowing that, aren't you teaching them that such behavior of another in a marriage is acceptable? Raise your children by example... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 I won't be quite as nice, although I am sorry that you are going through this. I'm guessing your kids are around 15 maybe older depending on how long you waited. Please understand what I am going to tell you. Your husband is an ASS. (mods please don't ding me, is needs to be said) How do I know, I was one when I was younger. He uses his anger switch to control you because he does not want to deal with any intimacy or feelings from you. (Intimacy not sex, be sure you get that). Until I grew up, it used to drive me crazy when women would talk so much about this stuff. Then I realizes that they were so happy when their SO listened and was concerned about what they thought was important. Why would any man not want to make women happy? They have a great attitude, the sex is better and on and on. Frankly it is really not that hard. Now I just listen to my wife, and let her just talk and talk, and it makes her happy. Now for your husband, if he will not get real about counseling and try to realize that he has to change then you need to leave with out warning. When he asks why you want a divorce, tell him maybe you should ask the counselor. Men like your husband either figure it out or they don't. I cannot be the only male on the planet that does not mind that women have a lot to say and you should listen. Good Luck... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 Time to go to marriage counseling. He's a pig. Only nice when he wants sex, sounds like. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 You've spent the last 10 years stifled and controlled. Switching between anger and sweetness is manipulative. It's the reason you're confused. It's making you question yourself. Like there's something wrong with you. It's similar to gaslighting. ^^^^this^^^^ Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 Yes, he is an emotionally abusive ass. Why you would want to live with someone who treats you this way is beyond me... Don't care how much he provides, how affectionate/sexual he is, I would never want to live with someone who treats me this way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted August 18, 2016 Share Posted August 18, 2016 Hi Blueberry, yours is a sad situation. Take note of what the others have said and make tracks! Make tracks like your very life depended on it. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueberry13 Posted August 19, 2016 Author Share Posted August 19, 2016 Thank you for your honesty. I agree with everything you said. It's finally gotten to the point that I realize the patterns will keep repeating. When I shared that I don't want to be yelled at with f bombs and don't deserve to be spoken to that way, his reply was 'I will stop cursing when you stop doing things wrong'. I know that all I do is my best, am a kind person, a good mom etc. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 19, 2016 Share Posted August 19, 2016 Part of abuse is tearing you down and trying to make it seem like everything is your own fault. It's controlling and abusive. If he won't get serious help, I can't advise putting up with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted August 19, 2016 Share Posted August 19, 2016 Hi Blueberry, remember, if you do not change anything, nothing will change. No one deserves to live in an abusive relationship. Plan your exit carefully and purposefully and then drop the bombshell on your husband for maximum shock and awe! Maybe that will help him change his mind set but it wouldn't matter, because you would be gone! Cheers! Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 19, 2016 Share Posted August 19, 2016 He's always going to make you think you're responsible for his bad and abusive behavior. I'd recommend the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. The biggest things you'll take from the book is that abusers have no remorse, and they are not fixable because controlling and belittling others makes them feel powerful. The power they get from that is equivalent to an addictive drug like heroine. You're confused because you can't fathom that someone can think this way but make no mistake that he does and he always will. In other words, he enjoys putting you down and using you as his verbal punching bag. I was with someone like that years ago and the best thing I ever did was divorce him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 19, 2016 Share Posted August 19, 2016 When I shared that I don't want to be yelled at with f bombs and don't deserve to be spoken to that way, his reply was 'I will stop cursing when you stop doing things wrong'. Who died and made him King of the world? That is incredibly arrogant, entitled, and abusive! If my husband said that to me, he would be signing his name to divorce papers. Totally unacceptable! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted August 19, 2016 Share Posted August 19, 2016 Yikes!! What a schmuck!! What actions are you taking to make changes Blueberry? Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted August 20, 2016 Share Posted August 20, 2016 (edited) Yes, you are missing someone emotionally supportive. And he has an anger switch over nothing. It doesn't sound a nice relationship to me. I don't think I'd want to stay in that relationship but I guess you need to weigh up your circumstances and what other options you have before making any decisions. It doesn't sound like he is capable of change if he justifies things as 'I am not interested so expect me to be angry'. Edited August 20, 2016 by spiderowl Link to post Share on other sites
LadyLike30 Posted August 20, 2016 Share Posted August 20, 2016 20 years of an abusive jerk. Time to end this already, if I were U Link to post Share on other sites
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