thisgirl7 Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 (edited) Hi there, Im new here to this site, so hi Ive been needing to ask for the opinion of others that are not family. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 6 years. He asked me to marry him last year but I cannot even take the title 'fiance' because all the **** we have gone through. I dont feel serious about it. Anyways, We get along great and love eachother. But our relationship is on the rocks due to his brother causing major drama in our life. I have always kept my distance from my boyfriends brother. He is a year older than him and the type of person that makes you cringe when they open there mouth. Very nasty, derrogatory, selfish and hot tempered. We have been in several arguments... every time he was drunk and didnt remember. So of course, everyone felt he should get a free pass. The last time my boyfriends brother disrespected me was about 6 months ago. We were all civil.. but I was still keeping my guard up. His new gf at the time asked me what kind of person he was and if she should know anything about him. I told her to be smart and always keep her guard up until she knows any better. She ended up telling him that and he approached me yelling in my face, getting all puff chested like he was going to hit me. My boyfriend was not there at the time but we ended up yelling at my bf brother and spoke every word in my mind.... and I realized I needed to be done with my boyfriends brother. He is a toxic loser. Also, He will never be accepted in any wedding I am in. I have told my boyfriend this and he says he knows but it ends up in an argument. My boyfriend gets mad anytime my brother doesnt respond to a text but his brother is allowed to call me a whore? What the hell. It has been over 6 months and i have not said one word to him. My boyfriend didnt talk to him for awhile but recently they have been hanging out and they are even on a bowling league together. That pisses me off because his brother has not even apologized to me or said anything. Matter of fact, he gives me nasty looks everytime i see him. He answers the phone with, hey 'bro' and 'dude' and they laugh like everything is normal. My question to everyone is, Do you think my boyfriend should stand up for me more and have my back more in this situatuion? Or am I overreacting? Am I missing something? Thank you Edited August 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
JewelD Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 Well, it's still his brother. and you haven't told us the full extent of these arguments. His brother gets drunk and cusses you out randomly? Why you? There's gotta be more to it than that. Regardless, he's obviously not going to let his brother go for you so you can either accept it or date someone new. If you marry this man, you will have to deal with his brother forever. Link to post Share on other sites
normal person Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 You're not being unreasonable. It sounds like he doesn't want to have to make the hard decision between you and the brother. There is no objectively "right" answer, but if it were me, or any seemingly any sensible person, I'd let the brother know that I couldn't tolerate someone talking to my fiancé like that, so he can either stop doing it or remove himself from our lives. But let's be honest, your fiancé doesn't sound like he wants to do that, or make any difficult or uncomfortable decisions. So if he refuses to do that, you can either stay with him and be miserable, knowing the fact that he prioritizes his brother's right to verbally abuse you over your comfort and emotions, or put some pressure on him to do something about it, ex: "I'm not marrying you unless your brother starts treating me right," or break up with him. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thisgirl7 Posted August 17, 2016 Author Share Posted August 17, 2016 Well, it's still his brother. and you haven't told us the full extent of these arguments. His brother gets drunk and cusses you out randomly? Why you? There's gotta be more to it than that. Regardless, he's obviously not going to let his brother go for you so you can either accept it or date someone new. If you marry this man, you will have to deal with his brother forever. Youre right, there is more. His brother tried to date me a couple years before my bf and i started dating. I turned him down. He always made jokes that his brother got 'good looking' and got girls. I think he feels insecure or jealous. My bfs brother makes nasty remarks towards woman in general so I stand up for myself and ask him not to talk like that. He always thought i was snobby, but I just have a backbone. I guess he never liked that. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 My husband would lay out anyone that spoke to me that way. Brother or not. In fact, when we were younger, and his brother was still a stupid young punk - and wouldn't listen to my request to stop using my things - he physically picked him up, and threw him out of our house. Puff up and threaten to hit me? Hubby would probably end up in jail. Yes, I think your BF is being a pus. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 OK. Your getting a preview of your life with you fiance so you realize that you have a choice here. You can stick around and be on the receiving end of a lot more abuse.................or dump the loser and find a man that will not let anyone run you down. At least you had the guts to stand up for yourself. Wish I could say the same about him. Do yourself a favor and move on and find happiness with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 Look, he's probably to some extent going along with whatever BS his brother says about you and they've probably been doing this to girls their whole life and validating each other's crappiest side. So at some point you have to accept that what he doesn't do anything about, he agrees with enough to not do anything about it and decide if that's who you want to be with. Personally, a blackout drunk wouldn't be my first choice. That's serious alcoholism. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 (edited) It actually takes more of a man to walk away from an argument than to stand there with an ego and puff his chest too and fight.....fighting should only happen when its pure self defense..... if you are going to come at a aman who is aggressive and fighty...be ready to fight your own battles.....dont expect any other man including your bf to get you out of it....stand up to a drunk man and cuss back at him....thats really quite dangerous......speak behind someones back to a gf or love interest...is asking for trouble..... it does take a backbone to stand up to bullies or aggressive people...but what takes more of a backbone is to see your part in the arguments,accept responsibility then take control of the situation.....and find the best way to make the arguments void.....or non existent...strutting around like a rooster sqwawking ugliness and exactly how you feel about someone and letting them have it while they are under the influence.even more so with others around...is not backbone.....its stupid...and if i were to do something like that in the spur of the moment ...thoughtless and stupid......i dont expect others to bail me out....even a bf...but if i were trying to settle an argument or mediate one or diffuse a situation that someone could get hurt in and a guy beat on me....i would want and probably need a bf to help me.... as far as words ....if a guy called me names....i would prefer to walk away and certainly not want or allow a bf to cruise for a bruising because of a word that isnt true.......i would grab his hand...and say hey this is not worth it...lets go...... thats backbone.....your bf isnt a wimp....fighting does not make a man...knowing when to walk away ...makes the man....deb Edited August 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author thisgirl7 Posted August 17, 2016 Author Share Posted August 17, 2016 (edited) It actually takes more of a man to walk away from an argument than to stand there with an ego and puff his chest too and fight.....fighting should only happen when its pure self defense..... if you are going to come at a aman who is aggressive and fighty...be ready to fight your own battles.....dont expect any other man including your bf to get you out of it....stand up to a drunk man and cuss back at him....thats really quite dangerous......speak behind someones back to a gf or love interest...is asking for trouble..... it does take a backbone to stand up to bullies or aggressive people...but what takes more of a backbone is to see your part in the arguments,accept responsibility then take control of the situation.....and find the best way to make the arguments void.....or non existent...strutting around like a rooster sqwawking ugliness and exactly how you feel about someone and letting them have it while they are under the influence.even more so with others around...is not backbone.....its stupid...and if i were to do something like that in the spur of the moment ...thoughtless and stupid......i dont expect others to bail me out....even a bf...but if i were trying to settle an argument or mediate one or diffuse a situation that someone could get hurt in and a guy beat on me....i would want and probably need a bf to help me.... as far as words ....if a guy called me names....i would prefer to walk away and certainly not want or allow a bf to cruise for a bruising because of a word that isnt true.......i would grab his hand...and say hey this is not worth it...lets go...... thats backbone.....your bf isnt a wimp....fighting does not make a man...knowing when to walk away ...makes the man....deb Thank you for your response deb. I appreciate it very much. The last and final time my bfs brother disrespected me, he was completely sober. My bf and i live on the same road, so he asked me to swing by his house and pick something up for him. When I walked in, I saw his brother rushing towards me. I guess with my relationship Ive always had to keep my mouth shut. And ive always had to say "the right things." Im known to speak my mind, but with my bf and his family I have tried to keep it easy and simple. I dont talk much because I know I am very opioniated. Which makes me upset now to even write that. Because, that is the person I am. When my bfs brothers gf asked me those questions, I could have lied, and I could have said some bull**** lie about how great of a guy he is. But i have seen him rip girls apart and suck there bank account dry. I have seen him hide in bushes with his new gf while his current gf drives down the road. And the next day I have to look his gf in the face while she calls me names cuz she thinks im hiding **** from her. And i have to be 'honest' **** all that This is the **** ive had to deal with. And I can appreciate when you say 'fighting doesnt make you a man' but what does? Walking away? and If so, what does walking away do if you are still going to associate with that same person who has made you walk away? Isn't that going in circles? To me, it is very contradicting. This is why I am on this forum. I need responses and opinions. I am just conversating, thank you. Edited August 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Clep Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 (edited) If my hubby's brother ever called me names I think that could very well end their relationship. He would never tolerate that. His sister once said she wouldn't accept me. He told her he loved her and that when she was ready to be respectful of me and his personal choices, he would resume their relationship. That lasted two years before she finally came around. If my hubby let me know early on that he is okay with certain people being demeaning, abusive or controlling with me I would get out. I would not argue with his family. If someone is behaving inappropriately with me I remove myself from the situation. Engaging in the argument with his brother is not helpful from either of you. Healthy boundaries have to be established here to ensure success. Your bf will need to back you on that as the brother doesn't take you seriously anyways. If you don't have that you have a future of chaos. Edited August 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 (edited) Why is it your business what his brother says about his gf? His brother is his family......If your relationship with your fiance is good, then don't meddle in other people's affairs and mind your own business....Quite frankly. you shouldn't have said anything to his girlfriend...If she asks you about him and you have nothing good to say, then say you don't know him all that well to comment and leave it at that...Did you really think she wouldn't tell him??You have nothing to gain but aggravation and strife...You don't have to live or deal with his brother other than the off times when at functions...So you could prevent it by not meddling.. You get the whole deal when you enter a family....some you will like and some you may not..To start wars, or expect your bf to alienate his flesh and blood is kinda crazy, especially because it sounds like you just don't like him personally and decided to stir the shyt...Bad move on your part.. TBH, I have seen this type of crap in my own family, and in almost every case it's the women...For some reason, they feel like they need to intermingle in other people's lives..Its caused some major rifts for no reason...They should have just minded their own business....In most cases they commented and interjected in affairs that had absolutely nothing to do with them.. Maybe you can talk to your bf about it....Get a pow wow with the brother and maybe you both can apologize...He shouldn't have called you a whore, but you probably caused him aggravation, and honestly, I would have probably told my brother to tell you to mind your business and not bad mouth me to my gf behind my back.. Like I said...Focus on what's important...It wasn't important to shyt on him to his gf, so maybe this is something you can avoid in the future... Good luck and hope it works out.. TFY Edited August 17, 2016 by thefooloftheyear Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted August 17, 2016 Share Posted August 17, 2016 Hi Thisgirl. Having read your OP all I van say is break it off with your current BF and find someone else. Once youarry this guy you will always have to put up with the brother and that could be very unpleasant for you. I guess that's the way I see this situation. Cheers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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