I am an OW, pregnant by MM

[Wade Lamare]

Clearly I'm stupid because no smart person would have believed him for so long - if at all.

 

No.

 

Look, you made some poor choices but people like this seem to have a sixth sense for people who are vulnerable.

 

You're not stupid, I can tell by the way you write your posts, a stupid person would not be able to express their feelings in such a well written and articulate way.

 

So no, I do not accept that you are stupid.

 

I'm not going to tell you to 'cheer up' as I can't imagine the emotional pain you are going through at the moment.

 

All I can suggest is you keep up with the counselling and keep posting here. There are a lot of friendly people who will give you good advice and be your sounding board when you are down.

[BTDT2012]

You did not abandon your daughter, you made sure she would have what you aren't able to give her. You are not stupid. You are grieving. Keep up with your counseling. I wish there was something I could do for you.

[wmacbride]

My little girl is 4 weeks old tomorrow but she isn't here with me.

 

.

 

 

Op,

I have seen both sides of were you are. i was adopted myself and placed a child for adoption when I was very young.

 

What you did took incredible courage and selflessness. You allowed your heart to be broken in order to give your daughter the best life possible, and that shows that you are, and always will be, a true mother. You put her first, as any true mother would.

 

I won't lie to you and say it will be easy. There will be times you arms will ache to hold her, that you won't stop short sometimes and realize how old she is, wonder what she is doing or how she is.

 

You can take some small comfort in knowing that you gave her some of the greatest gifts a person can. you gave her life, brought her into the world, and were willing to go through agony if it meant she would have the best life possible.

 

Please, don't ever feel bad for that.

 

I still think abut my daughter a lot, even though she is in her 20's now. I have even been in contact with her, as she looked me up on facebook and we connected. She has had a great life and is happy.

 

.It may not fee like it now, but the pain will lessen,and the sharp edges dull.

 

It's not something many people talk about ( placing a child for adoption) but maybe they should.

 

I have also had a happy life too, and love my mom and dad. I haven;t looked for my biological parents, as in the time when I was adopted, it was a hidden thing people didn't talk about much.

[wmacbride]

Regardless of the hurt, the grief, the heartbreak and how broken I feel, I can't try and take her away from her family. Legally, that point has passed and all rights have been signed away. She should be here with me, I should be holding her and taking care of her. She deserves better than the life I created and the life I've had to live. I need her so badly but she isn't mine to care for anymore. She is where she should be.

 

She has a good family. She will be okay. I don't know about myself, but I know she will be okay.

 

MM signed his rights away no questions asked when forwarded adoption papers from my lawyer. He attached a letter (which the adoptive parents would have seen) that said he wanted no part my [our] daughters life and that I manipulated him. There was a lengthy write up of how I manipulated him. The adoption is totally close on his end. That letter changed the way the adoptive parents view me and *coincidentally* changed how open the adoption would be after receiving that document. Even when he isn't in my life, he is still f'ing it up.

 

I have thought about moving. Right now I feel tied to this city because my daughter (I don't feel right saying that... because she isn't mine anymore)... is here. As close as I get to be to her is living in the same city. I'll never get to see her again so it's all I have. I won't even see what she looks like until next August, by which point she will be totally unrecognizable.

 

My emotions towards MM are all over the place. There is the side of me that with with a man, who convinced me he was getting a divorce, who proposed, who wanted to start a family, who made me believe he would be here for our family. In the end, he vanished. There is heartbreak over that. Then there is the logical side that is mad, furious. At him, at myself for allowing it to happen, but a lot at him. That he got away with hurting me so badly, that he got away with it and his wife never found out, that he gets to walk away with no emotions while I'm sitting here dying inside. That my life will never be the same again and there will always be a piece of me missing. That I finally thought I'd have the family I longed for and it all shattered so quickly. I hate him for not being there to support me and wonder if it would have turned out differently if he had just shown up. I wish all sorts of horrible things on him, then turn around and have moments of missing him.

 

It feels like my life is over while everyone else, their lives just go on. I am totally alone in this world.

 

It's normal to not want to move on. I was that way too. I felt so guilty, like i was abandoning her, and what mother would do that?

In the end, I realized that sometimes loving someone means having to let them go. What you did does not mean you love your daughter any less. instead, it means you loved her enough to let her go and make sure she has the best life you can.

This is one of those situations that's so hard to understand unless you have been through it. Is there any sort of support group in your area on online for mothers in your situation?

[wmacbride]

You did not abandon your daughter, you made sure she would have what you aren't able to give her. You are not stupid. You are grieving. Keep up with your counseling. I wish there was something I could do for you.

 

Exactly.

You did not abandon your child. Rather, you sacrificed and are willing to go through the pain so she can have the best life possible.

 

As I said above, you acted as a true mother would.

 

I know it hurts so much right now, but it does get better.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I am in counseling and I try to push myself to go. Right now I just want to lay in bed and never get out. But I do try and make myself go when I'm supposed to. Aside from counselors, my doctor and MM, no one in my life knows. I haven't even told my work yet and I have to go back next week. People knew I was pregnant, though not with who, so there will be questions I don't have a clue how I will deal with that.

 

I wish MM would have vanished earlier. Or that I would have been smarter and read through his BS. Then I would have had time to prepare for adoption or to bring her into this life. I wish it wasn't so rushed. That I would have held her and really been with her before she was taken away. I wish I had a picture with her. I never even told her that I love her. I don't want her to ever think I abandoned her.

 

If MM just would have left sooner everything could be so different. I could have been more prepared to do it alone. Or I could have been more prepared to place her for adoption. It didn't go how it should have.

 

He's a horrible person and I hate him. He purposely got me pregnant, for what purpose, just to make me miserable? He proposed, extremely romantically, and made me think he was being real. I wish I had the nerve to tell his wife, or HR department.

 

I don't know if I will ever trust myself to make choices again. Clearly I'm stupid because no smart person would have believed him for so long - if at all. I don't think I could ever have more kids. I can't raise a child when I gave the other one away. I don't know any normal man who would want to be with me once he knew my story. I was abandoned all my life, and I turned around and did that to my daughter. Then let MM screw it up further with his letter, that made them go from an open adoption to a semi-open picture only adoption.

 

It makes me wonder how much more will he screw up for me. Get me fired? Get me kicked out of my apartment?Have the adoptive couple totally close the adoption? Keep spreading lies that I manipulated and lied to him? I wish he'd just die.

 

I wish I had never gotten involved with a MM.

 

I agree with Wade. You are not stupid. At all. You got played as did we all. Your situation is horrific though. I mean, your xmm is beyond what I can say on LS.

 

As for your daughter, I am sorry. You did not abandon her though. Parenthood is a huge thing, you really want to have a child with a person you are in a relationship with (or totally alone, I know women who do that too). But to have one in this situation, you would never have moved on, you would have been stuck emotionally and literally. You did the right thing. Now you can heal and move on. As for the open adoption part, I would make sure a lawyer keeps that part locked down.

 

Lastly, others can chime in but I am not so sure you should keep this all to yourself. I mean, you had his baby. And you are not sure what he is going to do. I take it he works with you? What have you got to lose at this point, maybe you should tell HR.

 

I'll tell you this - I hate to compare as I did not have his baby but I told 2 people in my group the full story and I told 4 other people partial story, enough information so that if he turns on me and tries to get me out, I have people who know what is going on. Don't be so quiet. You would be surprised how people may take your side. The people I told - all men. Now being men they did not necessarily want to get involved, which is fine, but they didn't judge me or treat me differently. I just think you should protect yourself, your mind, your job and your sanity. Who cares about him.

[BettyDraper]

There's a huge difference in being stupid and naivete.

You are not stupid at all. You were preyed on by a ruthless man. I won't deny that you made poor choices and but I don't think you were stupid.

 

All you can do now is work through your grief and realize that you did something wonderful for your daughter.

[Ahurtgirl]

Be very proud of the decisions you are making now and focus on the positives in your life. You made a wonderful decision for your daughter. She will grow up to know how much you loved her by the amazing sacrifice you made for her. I have an adopted daughter and she is the love of my life. I am so thankful for her and I think of her birthmother often in thanksgiving.

 

Please continue to go to counseling and know that you have many people on here that support you also. (((Hugs)))

Edited September 15, 2016 by Ahurtgirl

[elaine567]

MM signed his rights away no questions asked when forwarded adoption papers from my lawyer. He attached a letter (which the adoptive parents would have seen) that said he wanted no part my [our] daughters life and that I manipulated him. There was a lengthy write up of how I manipulated him. The adoption is totally close on his end. That letter changed the way the adoptive parents view me and *coincidentally* changed how open the adoption would be after receiving that document. Even when he isn't in my life, he is still f'ing it up.

 

Does he not realise that his poor daughter will read what he wrote on the adoption papers, if she ever decides to look for her biological parents.

I get that he is scared for his marriage, but he sounds like a real horrible piece of work here, if he would do that to his own child.

[MJJean]

What you need is healing and hope. I can't help much with the healing as a lot of it is simply time for the wounds to begin closing, but maybe I can help with hope.

 

My mother had a son when she was 17. She gave him up for adoption. 6.5 years later, she had me. Then, when I was 8 I got a baby sister and when I was 10 I got a baby brother. My mom was an amazing woman and an awesome mother.

 

When I was 18, I went to the adoption agency and asked about finding my brother. They had a packet of papers sent to my mother, releasing her information and authorizing contact should he ever contact the agency looking for her. A year later, he called. We (me, my mom, my step-dad, and my siblings) met with him at a faire and then he came to the house with his wife and daughter. That was 21 years ago this month. We aren't very close, but we do talk here and there.

 

My brother was raised by a large family and had a happy childhood. He was grateful to our mother for choosing to give him life and then choosing to give him the best life possible. He was thrilled to meet her and their reunion was very warm and full of laughter.

 

I know it seems dark now, but you can make an amazing life for yourself. You can make friends, go out and do things with them, take up hobbies and volunteer to give back to the world. You can meet and date single, available, men. You can find a compatible mate, love, marry, have that family you've been longing for all these years. It can happen. You can make it happen.

 

A previous poster is right about that letter MM wrote the agency, btw. It's part of the file and when your daughter is an adult, she will be able to read her file. Don't let the MM's lies be the only perspective she gets. Write your own letter and ask that it be included in the file.

[MJJean]

Does he not realise that his poor daughter will read what he wrote on the adoption papers, if she ever decides to look for her biological parents.

I get that he is scared for his marriage, but he sounds like a real horrible piece of work here, if he would do that to his own child.

 

My unvarnished take on this MM deliberately impregnating Valerie is that he wanted to father a child, either his wife couldn't or wouldn't, so he went outside the marriage so that he could father a child without losing his wife and their life together.

 

Some men just want to know if they can father a child and want that child to exist in the world to feel as if they have left something of themselves behind on the planet, but have no desire to actually be involved with the child they helped create.

 

MM, if I am correct, wanted to experience creating a life and preparing for fatherhood without actually having to be a father and live that life.

 

Lord, this MM should thank his lucky stars I don't know him or have access to the adoption paperwork where he signed away his parental rights. His wife would have that information so fast his head would spin.

 

What's really disturbing is that there is no way to know if he has done this before or how many times. For all we know, there are a few more kids and baby momma's out there.

 

My mom had an affair with a married man and I am the result of that affair. My bio-father has 5 sons with his wife, 2 (twins) with 1 OW that are 2 weeks older than I am, and another son with a different OW. My mom had no clue about the other kids or the OW's until much later. I loved my mom dearly, never had any interest in looking up my POS bio father.

Edited September 15, 2016 by MJJean

[stilltrying16]

Some men just want to know if they can father a child and want that child to exist in the world to feel as if they have left something of themselves behind on the planet, but have no desire to actually be involved with the child they helped create.

 

LOL, I never thought of it this way. Thanks!

 

Why don't they just go and make a deposit in a sperm bank? *holes

[anika99]

OP I'm so sorry you are hurting but please don't beat yourself up. You did a wonderful thing for your daughter. I'm sure her adoptive parents will always tell her that you gave her up out of love and selflessness. You probably have some post partum Blues that are adding to your feelings of sadness and despair. Just let yourself grieve and be kind to yourself. Right now you are wounded and the wound is open and painful but it won't always hurt so much. With time your wound will heal and leave behind a scar that will always make you feel a little sad but will also remind you of your strength and your ability to overcome.

 

The MM sounds like some kind of mental case. Oh he's not the first MM to abandon his child but to deliberately impregnate you and then be so involved in your pregnancy only to completely reject you and the baby on the day of the birth just boggles the mind. Then as if that's not bad enough he wrote that awful letter and blamed it all on you. He must be sick in the head. Do you have to see him when you return to work? I feel like you should go to HR with the whole story, not to punish him but to protect yourself. It's up to you though as you have to do whatever you feel is best for you. Just take care of you.

[Adoraxx]

Oh Valerie, my heart is breaking for you. I wish I could give you the biggest hug and I wish that I could do anything in real life to help you!! You're such a beautiful person and I was thinking: would it be an idea to start writing in a diary? Letters to your little girl? Later on you can possibly give it to her. And yes, make sure that there's a letter from YOU included in that file too!! Praying for you and more hugs!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[valerie9]

I should have been able to give her everything that she deserved. I should have made better choices, for her. All that I focused on was a MM who in the end wanted nothing to do with me. She should have been my main focus, not getting her dad. I don't understand how I set myself up to lose everything and feel even more alone than when I started.

 

There isn't a support group in my city. There are a few adoptive parents support groups, but none for birth parents. I could drive 90 minutes to a city that has some but right now I hardly have the energy to buy milk. I joined an online support group but haven't participated yet. I can't bring myself to do it. I feel like I will be judged because I set myself up for it and made a quick choice that I should have thought more about. I didn't even hold her because I knew I could never let her go if I did.

 

Most of the stories I've read in online support groups are of open adoptions. The adoptive parents didn't want me to be in her life. The adoption was supposed to be open with visits 4 times a year and more updates. They have open adoptions with their two other children. The day they got that letter from MM, they "thought it was best" to go to semi-open. Pictures once a year, no visits or other communication. That was after my paperwork had gone through. I tried to explain the situation but the damage has been done. They think I'm a terrible person that conned him into sleeping with me, lied about my age, my career, blackmailed him, lied about contraception. He said he recommended they totally close the adoption from me. There are no laws that the adoption has to stay open, the adoptive parents can do whatever they want. I may never see or hear anything from her again. If they think I'm horrible they won't tell her how much I love her and wanted her.

 

We work for the same company. Different departments so I don't see him a lot but sometimes. Maybe 1-2x a month. I don't know what I'll do if I see him. He is a good liar, I'm sure he can convince people at work how horrible I am. He's really high up with the company and most people who work there would know who he is. I'm sure they would side with him rather than just a random person who works there.

 

I don't want my life to move on with out her. I don't even know her name. My apartment is still full of things that were for her.

 

I want there to be a letter from me in her file as well. I don't even know what I'd write at this point. I f'd up hard. I don't want to play he said she said through letters. I have been writing in a diary with the thought that maybe one day she will be able to have it. If her adoptive parents would even ever let her have it or tell her how to contact me.

[MJJean]

Any chance of you being able to find a comparable job elsewhere?

 

At some point, when you are ready, you may consider donating the baby items you have to a charity or giving them directly to a mother in need.

Edited September 15, 2016 by MJJean

[purestofpain]

You've been through so much, Valarie. I sincerely hope things get better for you from here. *hugs*

[DesertHeat]

Here's my take. I'm an adopted child. My mom was a teenager and was in an abusive relationship with my father. Her family members urged her to give me to my parents, who knew about my father's abuse.

 

My parents didn't tell me I was adopted for a long time. My parents allowed me to visit my birth mother for a while, but they stopped them because during a visit, her mom referred to me as her granddaughter, which confused me.

 

They finally told me when I was a teenager, which rocked my world. But, they assured me it was the best and painted my birth mother as a reckless, loose teenager that abandoned me. They forbade me to contact her or her side of the family. Still, I contacted her after I turned 18, after which she told me about the abuse.

 

Things happened over the years, and I was abandoned by my adopted family once I found myself in an abusive marriage. I stopped talking to them once I left him and they told me I'm a drama queen and allowed me to be homeless rather than help me get on my feet. I just do obligatory holiday calls now, but I feel like an orphan.

 

I said all that to say, adoption can be a good thing but not always. I'm sure my mom wished she were strong or resourceful enough to keep me, and I still think it was probably the best decision based upon her age, her lack of work, and my abusive father running around terrorizing her family.

 

But look at your situation logically. You have a decent job. You have your own place. You have the ability to provide for your child most of the way, and there are a lot of resources for mothers out there to help fill in the gaps.

 

I felt that you adopted under duress. Most mothers who put their children up for adoption, usually go to the hospital either already knowing they are going to adopt, or adopt after some time like my mother. But you went to the hospital expecting to leave with a baby, had a traumatic birth, and signed away your rights before the pain meds left your system. You didn't even get to hold her. That's messed up!

 

And your MMs letter and the decision of the adoptive parents to partially close the adoption based upon his rants really drew me to post. This doesn't feel right to me, and I can see it doesn't feel right to you. Not to get esoteric, but you need to consult your higher power, ruminate, and see if this was truly the right decision for you.

 

If you truly feel that it wasn't, then you need to check into the laws are in your state as far as rescinding adoptions. Some people may feel it's unfair to the birth parents, but they changed the terms of the adoption after you signed. Then you would need to plan your next steps as far as that legal battle, and ferreting yourself and your child to safety.

 

That being said, if you do go this route, child I would recommend NOT confronting him at work nor mentioning anything to others at work because your focus at this point is to get your and your child to safety and not to get embroiled in more drama.

 

If you do decide that adoption is best, then I would recommend finding another job ASAP, and, if you choose to do so, drop the bomb on him once you have a confirmed job. He seems unstable and I worry about you. He knows where you live, and could harm your job or job prospects if he's really higher up. So it's best to do it while you are on the way out anyway.

 

Really think about your choice. Don't think anything is impossible. Three years ago I was sleeping in an abandoned house with my kids, not even knowing what tomorrow would bring. Today, I've moved across the country, have a decent job, my kids are happy and healthy, I'm happily divorced from my abusive XH, and he chooses not to be involved in their lives, which is fine with me. It was a tough road, but I found the strength within myself and took control of my life after years of abuse.

 

For your mental health, if you can't get counseling, then I recommend reading every day about your situation and to continue journaling. It can help process your thoughts, find strength, and work through your emotions so you can take more logical steps. Join for all aspects of your situation: adoption, affair, traumatic birth, dealing with a manipulator, etc. Even if you don't post, keep reading and work little each day on your healing. Daily meditation (especially mindfulness meditation) also helps keep me sane and focused.

 

Big hugs to you! You've been through a lot. But you are smart and you are strong. You will make it either way. Take care of yourself.

[Adoraxx]

great post , DesertHeat, I totally agree with what you said!!!! I also read that with adoptions that there is always an amount of time where the mother can change her mind. Hugs to you, Valerie and MUCH LOVE

 

Here's my take. I'm an adopted child. My mom was a teenager and was in an abusive relationship with my father. Her family members urged her to give me to my parents, who knew about my father's abuse.

 

My parents didn't tell me I was adopted for a long time. My parents allowed me to visit my birth mother for a while, but they stopped them because during a visit, her mom referred to me as her granddaughter, which confused me.

 

They finally told me when I was a teenager, which rocked my world. But, they assured me it was the best and painted my birth mother as a reckless, loose teenager that abandoned me. They forbade me to contact her or her side of the family. Still, I contacted her after I turned 18, after which she told me about the abuse.

 

Things happened over the years, and I was abandoned by my adopted family once I found myself in an abusive marriage. I stopped talking to them once I left him and they told me I'm a drama queen and allowed me to be homeless rather than help me get on my feet. I just do obligatory holiday calls now, but I feel like an orphan.

 

I said all that to say, adoption can be a good thing but not always. I'm sure my mom wished she were strong or resourceful enough to keep me, and I still think it was probably the best decision based upon her age, her lack of work, and my abusive father running around terrorizing her family.

 

But look at your situation logically. You have a decent job. You have your own place. You have the ability to provide for your child most of the way, and there are a lot of resources for mothers out there to help fill in the gaps.

 

I felt that you adopted under duress. Most mothers who put their children up for adoption, usually go to the hospital either already knowing they are going to adopt, or adopt after some time like my mother. But you went to the hospital expecting to leave with a baby, had a traumatic birth, and signed away your rights before the pain meds left your system. You didn't even get to hold her. That's messed up!

 

And your MMs letter and the decision of the adoptive parents to partially close the adoption based upon his rants really drew me to post. This doesn't feel right to me, and I can see it doesn't feel right to you. Not to get esoteric, but you need to consult your higher power, ruminate, and see if this was truly the right decision for you.

 

If you truly feel that it wasn't, then you need to check into the laws are in your state as far as rescinding adoptions. Some people may feel it's unfair to the birth parents, but they changed the terms of the adoption after you signed. Then you would need to plan your next steps as far as that legal battle, and ferreting yourself and your child to safety.

 

That being said, if you do go this route, child I would recommend NOT confronting him at work nor mentioning anything to others at work because your focus at this point is to get your and your child to safety and not to get embroiled in more drama.

 

If you do decide that adoption is best, then I would recommend finding another job ASAP, and, if you choose to do so, drop the bomb on him once you have a confirmed job. He seems unstable and I worry about you. He knows where you live, and could harm your job or job prospects if he's really higher up. So it's best to do it while you are on the way out anyway.

 

Really think about your choice. Don't think anything is impossible. Three years ago I was sleeping in an abandoned house with my kids, not even knowing what tomorrow would bring. Today, I've moved across the country, have a decent job, my kids are happy and healthy, I'm happily divorced from my abusive XH, and he chooses not to be involved in their lives, which is fine with me. It was a tough road, but I found the strength within myself and took control of my life after years of abuse.

 

For your mental health, if you can't get counseling, then I recommend reading every day about your situation and to continue journaling. It can help process your thoughts, find strength, and work through your emotions so you can take more logical steps. Join for all aspects of your situation: adoption, affair, traumatic birth, dealing with a manipulator, etc. Even if you don't post, keep reading and work little each day on your healing. Daily meditation (especially mindfulness meditation) also helps keep me sane and focused.

 

Big hugs to you! You've been through a lot. But you are smart and you are strong. You will make it either way. Take care of yourself.

[seren]

Oh Valerie, what a brave, unselfish thing you have done for your daughter, to give up what you long for so that she can have what you believe to be a better life is such a loving thing to do. I worked for many years with children who had been adopted, some sought out their birth mother, all wanted to know why. I would keep writing those letters and send them to the adoption people, they will keep them on file or send them on, keep copies for the day she comes looking for you, so she can see how loved she is.

 

Use the time to make your life the best you can, show her and yourself just what you can achieve. However, if you feel you want to reverse the adoption, do something about it now, today, don't let it drag on, get advice and get support. Go onto the support sites, you need support for you and the adoption, come here for support with your feelings toward the A and the MM and there for your support as an mother who misses her child.

 

I so wish the very best of life for you, sounds like you have been through a hard journey, I hope you find someone who makes your life whole and loves you for you. It is a very spiteful thing he has done and is a measure of who he is. I wonder if his wife knows what he has done and if his letter to the adoption people is known too. If my H had done this, he would have been out of the door, not for the A, but for doing this to you. You will always be her mother, birth parents who give their children up always carry the child in the heart's each and every day, I hope you can use the time to make a life that will be ready for when she comes looking for you. You have my admiration, be kind to yourself, heal and be that person you want to be. Take very good care of you. xxxx seren

 

I want to add, tell his wife, tell her everything he has done and if anyone judges you, then shame on them. I am adding this as I thought about you and thought, what would I have done as a BS and my reaction would be to look at my H and realise what a nasty person he was to have done this to you. But only if it gives you closure and doesn't cause anymore pain. x

Edited September 17, 2016 by seren

[sandylee1]

I think it's so unfair that it's gone from an open adoption to what it is now. All because of that manipulative lying cheating MM. I'm sure you still have some rights on this due to the time factor. It's not right at all.

 

You may regret it later if you don't try. If nothing else write a letter to the adoption agency, for your daughter to read when she's been told she's adopted. Explain your side and your love and turmoil.. I've heard that adoptive children do get to see these letters.

[BaileyB]

My goodness, my heart breaks as I read your story.

 

I simply can't believe that a man could be so cruel to a woman... There are no way to defend the way that he groomed you and took advantage of your youth and inexperience... His behavior should not be defended. He is truly a heartless person.

 

Valerie, my dear, you have been through unimaginable trauma. I'm so glad to hear that you are getting some counselling. I encourage you to continue with counselling - seek any support you can find. It feels at the moment that life is unbearable, but it is my hope that you continue to move forward, one day at a time, because things will get better.

 

Please, be kind to yourself. You did not deserve what has happened and there are people who will help you through the pain. Your beautiful girl would want you to find happiness in your life, because I have to believe that one day, you will be together.

 

And, if I may... It is worth talking with a lawyer to see if you can reverse the adoption. It does sound like the decision was made under duress... I'm sure that the fight will be long and hard and I don't know that you have that in you now... But if your heart says that your daughter should be with you, leave no stone unturned...

 

But, if you are sure that the adoption is best for your daughter, I hope you can make peace with the decision. Take the greatest care.

[BTDT2012]

How are you doing today?

[Miss Clavel]

 

I have thought about moving. Right now I feel tied to this city because my daughter (I don't feel right saying that... because she isn't mine anymore)... is here. As close as I get to be to her is living in the same city. I'll never get to see her again so it's all I have. I won't even see what she looks like until next August, by which point she will be totally unrecognizable.

 

 

It feels like my life is over while everyone else, their lives just go on. I am totally alone in this world.

 

you feelings are not facts. you feel you will not see her but you will. i promise and let me tell you, i'm rarely wrong.

 

i tell you this because of my bff, my oldests godmother. i knew her for 5 years when i asked her to stand up for my daughter. or i thought i knew her.

 

it turns out she had a baby boy at twenty and gave him up.

 

the only reason i found out is because she told me when he called up on the phone looking for his mother. she thought i should know the kind of women she is. i was gobsmacked that she didn't know me, at all. i would never judge the people i love and i thought she was marvelous for giving her boy the best possible start in life, given the circumstances. she also found out she's a grandmother.

 

the only question i had was, who knows? she said she told her husband before they got married and she had just told her other children, both of them already married and starting their own families.

 

the boy's father was another story. he never knew and didn't want to know now, but he came around with the help of the women he married.

.

 

life is hard for you right now. one of the reasons is because you are pumping milk. i recommend you stop. let your mind match your body. you don't have a child mentally but you do physically. her mom can feed her a bottle.

 

after your body because your sole property you can work on accepting that you have been taken advantage of by an expert. a sick one at that.

 

we in AA have a saying, "you're a man amongst men" and you are.

 

you are equal to anything. you've proved it!

 

there is no better feeling in world then the certain knowledge, no matter what happens, i can count on me.

 

say that to yourself, all day, every day. because it's true.

 

p.s. start packing. get organized. make a plan, even if it's only buying new underwear and changing your hair cut.

 

let go, move on. in that order.

 

good luck, e.n.

[meth0d]

OP, everything is fine with the "truth" aspect of all this.

 

You have your original post in this thread, which is time-stamped, documenting the story before the MM told his lies, and the thread shows how it progressed.

 

You don't need to muster up the courage to say anything in person, and you don't need to come up with a new letter "pleading" your side of the story. You did one very smart thing, and that is creating this thread. This is your proof.

 

Before showing it to an HR department or an official adoption agency, first show it to a support group and building some real-life encouragement. Anyone who is crazy enough to judge you is the wrong person to talk to. Then, you always have the option to share the story with others as you gain comfort and confidence.

 

Your anger is a good sign! Anyone who demands better for themselves has the potential for happiness.