Getting my wife back

[CHAZ87]

I need some advice. I don't have access to the books that have been talked about in here, so if someone could point me in the right direction.

 

A month or two a ago, my wife and a friend of hers(I don't like very much) decided to train for a marathon. She asked what I felt, I asked who it was, and bells started going off in my head. She says they are "friends". Well to make a long story short, my instincts were right on. I caught them making out in her car at the local soccer field. No violence has been brought on. I feel destroyed. Have not eaten or slept since then, June 30th. She tells me she doesn't love me anymore. She says they have not been sexual, which would kill me. Her family is very upset with her, we have been married for 6.5 years. I love her to death.

Now the problem, she says she loves him, he gives her the emotional needs, and everything else. But she will not move in with him. She is moving back in with me. She says she is emotionally attached to him, after two weeks? I want her back but I see an uphill battle. She has stability with me. I would love some advice. I told I would be there for her. Keep the line of communication open. Is this a lost cause. I don't think, along with most of her family, thinks she is not in her right mind. Give her enough rope to hang herself? Or cut bait?

[Sal Paradise]

I think she wants to be with you and will try to continue to cheat on the side. She wants both. Notice she didn't say she was physically attached to you.

 

Or she could of realized he was a loser and doesn't have anywhere else to go so she is settling for you for now until something better comes along.

 

My advice is dump her for good. No contact at all.

 

And I am 99% sure she slept with him. Cheaters never come fully clean and often claim it never became physical. She is lying to you.

[Craig]

How long has your wife not been living with you?

[CHAZ87]

It has only been a couple days. I have never believed her about the sex, but I just don't know. This guy lives in a trailer. But she says while in my house, she still wants to see him. How can I get her back?

[shygurl]

Originally posted by CHAZ87

It has only been a couple days. I have never believed her about the sex, but I just don't know. This guy lives in a trailer. But she says while in my house, she still wants to see him. How can I get her back?

 

Why on earth would you want someone back who still wants to see their lover? Does this make any sense to you? She wants the security and comforts of having your home to come back to, but she wants her cake on the side. Dude, wake up - she's a ho. Change the locks, pack up her stuff and leave it on the step. If you let her come back home while she's still seeing her lover, you're sending her a load and clear message that you're a wimpy little doormat who has no self respect and you are content to be sh*t upon, betrayed and disrespected - all of this causing her to lose even MORE respect for you.

 

Why would you make it easy and convenient for her to keep seeing her lover?

 

Let her move back in and you're condoning her trashy behavior and you're showing her that there's no consequences for her horrible behavior. Is that what you want?

 

If there's any hope on your part for her to "come to her senses" one day and realize there's problems in your marriage which require help, you have to set boundaries, get a backbone and take no more crap - and Im telling you this as a woman.

 

If she wants to carry on like a 25 cent whore, fine - let her.......but she can find her own place, pay her own bills, etc.

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by CHAZ87

It has only been a couple days. I have never believed her about the sex, but I just don't know. This guy lives in a trailer. But she says while in my house, she still wants to see him. How can I get her back?

 

No offense dude but if you let her stay there and see him you're out of your frickin' mind. No amount of love or great sex is worth that. You want to get her back? Be a man and throw her out. Its the only way to wake her up. Issue no contact and stick to it. No phone calls, text messages nothing. If you let her stay there you may as well start the divorce proceedings now.

 

Personally I don't know why you'd want such a horrible person back.

[CHAZ87]

You all have opened my eyes up. Thank you.

[MassiveAtom]

Seems clear to me. you might consider protecting yourselffrom the pain this person WILL cause you.

 

Distance, distance, distance, No contact, and allow yourself to heal. Of course if you WANT to live with the questions, the uncertatinty - I personally like uncertainty, then get thee and you wife to therapy. BUT you will not be able to do any amount of therapy to make her love you.

 

my opinion, cut bait.

 

MA

[CHAZ87]

Thanks again. I will either set some boundries or sell the house. My problem is the love I feel for her. Sorry if you don't like that.

[shygurl]

A lot of us here have been in relationships and/or marriages where we were cheated on - so please believe me when I say that we DO understand you love her and it's not that we're insensitive to that..........but to let her come back while she's still carrying on with this man, that is ludicrous and cruel on her part - what kind of wife tells her husband, "I want to come back home but I'm still going to carry on with the man I've fallen in love with after 2 measly weeks, who I'm screwing around with" ?? She doesn't respect you or your marriage - so you gotta respect yourself.

 

If you don't stand your ground and kick her out for now, you might as well just tell her she can bring him home and sleep in your bed with him.

 

There's a chance she'll "wake up" at some point and see what a stupid woman she's been...........but she sure won't get to that point if you make her affair "easy" for her, get what we mean?

 

You don't have to stop loving her but you have to love yourself the most.

 

And if you do kick her out, prior to doing so you might want to consult with an attorney - NO, not to start divorce proceedings..I know you're not at that stage yet............but to find out how to protect yourself. If you kick her out, you don't want to find out she's racked up your joint credits cards or cleaned out your bank acct to fund a trip for her and loverboy to go off the Caribbean - nor do you want to be helping her pay rent. She made her bed, she has to lie in it now. She can get her own place, pay her own way.............she's not acting like a wife and partner, she's acting like a single tramp - so fine, she can support herself like a single person. You don't have to be mean but you sure shouldn't be making this easy for her. Stand your ground. You might also want to see a counsellor yourself..........because this is a really hard time for you and you need to stay strong and have a lot of support to get through this. Do you have friends and family who are there for you?

[CHAZ87]

I do have family and some friends, and a really good pastor. I know she made a mistake. But Nobody can point that out to her. You guys are a ton of help. Please keep the info coming.

[CHAZ87]

Side question. She left, is that considered abandonment of the house, and if so, do I have legal right to my house?

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by CHAZ87

Side question. She left, is that considered abandonment of the house, and if so, do I have legal right to my house?

 

I'm not sure, it may depend on the state. But my guess would be yes.

[Craig]

Chaz, it's real important that you take care of yourself physically and mentally. You say you haven't slept since June 30th. You need to rest, eat properly and so on. We know how hard it is to do these things for you right now but you're no good to anyone if you don't look after yourself.

 

Don't let her move back in with you. See a family law or divorce attorney to find out how you can protect yourself legally from her. I'm not saying that you are going to get a divorce but that now is the right time to insure that you don't get hurt more financially.

 

Keep posting here and if you haven't already browsed around have a look at this area of love shack on infidelity.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/f35/ Maybe you'll find other people stories similar to yours. What you're going through isn't easy but for some reason the pain isn't as bad if you know others have gone through similar things too.

[shygurl]

Originally posted by CHAZ87

Side question. She left, is that considered abandonment of the house, and if so, do I have legal right to my house?

 

I think the whole abandonment thing is based on what the laws in your particular state are. I'm Cdn so I am not familiar with this, but it's a great question to ask an attorney. Don't know about there, but most here will give a free consultation (in person) or at least it's very affordable - so I'd sure go talk to one on Monday if I were you. Ask him, too, if she left like she did, but then comes back...........must you allow her back? If you were to change the locks or tell her she can't stay, could she then say she didn't abandon the home but that you kept her out?

 

I'm glad you have a pastor to help you through this, as well as family & friends. I know how tough this is, believe me - so many of us here do..........I'm sure you're totally devastated, in shock, sometimes numb, trouble sleeping/eating, etc...........and that's all normal. Just don't let your love for her cause you to be a doormat. It takes 2 to save a marriage and being the cheating spouse who's made it clear she's going to continue to see her lover, well for the time being she's making it clear that she is not wanting to work on the marriage.

[CHAZ87]

We have a 4 yr old son who has seen a lot of crap in his 4yrs. One instance of a physical altercation, I threw a plastic cup at her and it split her lip. My boy has seen us arguing. But the point my wife is trying to make, not defending, is to try and raise our son together until he is old enough to understand. He is extremely smart and he repeats everything, sometimes things I shouldn't have said. I am physically week right now, but I still have 5.5 hours of work before I go home to try and sleep. I love my son to death. I could do w/out my wife right now for what she has done, but I would have liked to raise my son in a normal home. You guys are great.

[Craig]

Originally posted by CHAZ87

Side question. She left, is that considered abandonment of the house, and if so, do I have legal right to my house?

Chaz, talk to a family law attorney. Don't even think about selling, destroying, hiding or otherwise disposing of any property without getting the ok from a family law attorney first.

 

You may want to clean out any joint bank accounts as soon as possible, as in the first minute that you are able to do so even if you have to miss or be late for work. Don't think that the money is necessarily all yours. This is another thing you need to talk to an attorney about after you've cleaned out the joint accounts and put the money into a safe bank account in your own name.

 

Chances are that the trailer trash your wife is in love with has told her to clean out your joint accounts.

[CHAZ87]

All the bank account stuff was taken care of the next day. Problem in this state, she is entitled to half my pay, I guess. But I told her she is going to get enough to pay her little bills, like $60. Also being the 4th of July weekend, Law offices are closed until Tuesday. I will not do anyhting to the contents of my house, I have worked to dam hard and long to furnish it and upgrade it, to destroy it. The more I read, the more I am hating my wife, she is going to get a rude awakening tomorrow when she comes over to get the money.

[Craig]

Originally posted by CHAZ87

she is going to get a rude awakening tomorrow when she comes over to get the money.

Whoa there, before you start exercising your right to free speech remember that anything you do or say can come back to bite you in your arse. It's probably best to play hurt, confused and hopeful for the future with her until you find out what your rights are from an attorney--don't hint to her at what is to come. Don't give her any reason to get mad or vindictive right now. Be cool, be smart and keep contact with her to a polite and respectful minimum till you know where you stand legally.

[CHAZ87]

Thank you for that insight. Should I still let her move in until I know?

[Craig]

Originally posted by CHAZ87

Thank you for that insight. Should I still let her move in until I know?

If you do anything at all stall her from moving back in until you know what your rights are. Tell her anything to keep her from moving back in. Tell her you are too upset to have her in the house. Don't meet her at your house. If you have to give her something (I think you mentioned money) have a friend give it to her. Try to avoid her and talking to her until after you meet with your attorney.

 

I'm not saying divorce is inevitable Chaz, I'm only concerned that if divorce does become inevitable that you protect yourself.

 

Time for me to go to sleep. Good luck and keep posting.

[CHAZ87]

I'll Try. Thank you. I will be leaving the boards for a couple hours until I get home.

[Ladyjane14]

Information regarding divorce law obtainable on the internet will NOT replace a good attorney. That said....it's better than nothing until you can consult with one. Here's a link to one such site: http://www.divorcenet.com/.

 

If your child is with you....I'd probably keep the wife out of the house until she made a decision as to whether she was coming home to be your wife.....(that is, if at all legally possible). If the child is with her, then you'd probably do well to let her come back. Doing what is in the best interest of your child is always paramount.

 

In either event, you needn't give your permission for her to see other people. If she's planning to cheat, she's going to cheat. There's nothing you can do about it anyway. So why would you make it easier for her?

 

As MA said earlier, the path is "uncertain". It IS however, possible to reconcile a marriage after infidelity if BOTH partners are committed to accomplishing it. In the initial stages when one partner is still "in the fog", the reconciliation attempt is one-sided and ineffective. You can't reconcile with a fence-sitting, cake-eater.

 

The best you can do is to let her know that you are indeed desirous of repairing the marriage, and to give her a very thorough understanding of what your personal boundaries are. ie. If you need NO CONTACT with OM....that's a boundary that she must comply with in order to be YOUR wife. If you need accountability for her activities and wherabouts...then that's a boundary. If you need her to seek counseling in order to take her back, that's what you need.

 

Limit your boundaries to deal-breakers. What does it really take for you to continue on as her husband? What will it take to make that an impossibility? You're thinking about Needs here, rather than Wants.

 

If she can comply with your truest needs, and you can comply with hers....then why not give it another try? You've already been hurt, and you're getting through it. What's she going to do...hurt you again? You've been there, done that, and got the T-shirt! There's no fear of the unknown left for you.

 

It's a roll of the dice...but why not? If you're strong emotionally, and you're up for a challenge in order to get what you want. You might just accomplish it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

[CHAZ87]

LJ14, I must say your words brought me to tears. They were very inspirational to me. I believe I am strong enough to stay the course. I love her so much it hurts. But I have not let her see it. Today was a good day, we had a long talk at my house, and even embraced each other. She says she still loves OM, but I believe God is helping me see through it into her heart. I can't speak to much more, a little choked up. Again Miss Ladyjane, Thank you.

[SoleMate]

She left, is that considered abandonment of the house, and if so, do I have legal right to my house?

Almost certainly not, but do check with a lawyer. BTW, if you "love her to death" (crrepy phrase BTW), why would you steal her half of the house, and "giver her enough rope to hang herself"?

 

You've had plenty of people here tell you your wife is a cheap ho and should be kicked to the curb. Thanks folks, for carelessly advising this man to throw away the chance of a normal homelife with all your inflammatory incitement. And Craig, if a spouse "cleans out the joint accounts", that's theft, and the judge will definitely not look well upon it.

 

My question for CHAZ is: What was it like for your wife to be married to you? Did she get the love, affection and security that should have been hers by right? Did you let her know you appreciated what she did for you and your son? Or did you just sit in your recliner, rousing yourself only to demand another beer and throw plastic cups at her, secure in your belief that since you said you loved her, that felt the same to her as you actually SHOWING it and LIVING it?

 

Please google for "marriage builders". And don't do ANYTHING in haste. There are three lives in the balance here.