Getting my wife back

[CHAZ87]

Yes, I do want her no matter what. She can't hurt me again. I have protected myself and assets. If she f's around again, she stands to lose out big time in the finacial aspect of things. No she will not continue her actions, there already are consequences for her actions. She is finally living with me not around to help her. If I buy her something, she has to pay me back no questions. She wanted to know what it is like to live single, with a child no doubt. She has never been alone for more then 12 hours with our son. I work 12 hour shifts. I have had him by myself while she was on vaca twice for a total of almost 2 weeks. She won't be able to handle taking care of the house, kid, and get ready for out of town company. No one in her family will talk to her, no one in our neighborhood will talk to her. Like she says, "I have a big scarllett A on my forehead." I know she does. I am glad she has been alienated from her whole family, who incicdently, support me whole-heartedly. No I won't be in anymore pain if she decides to beg for me to come back, which I see her doing in a few short weeks.

 

In closing, don't worry about me. I can live without her, not vice versa.

[CHAZ87]

Originally posted by CHAZ87

Yes, I do want her no matter what. She can't hurt me again. I have protected myself and assets. If she f's around again, she stands to lose out big time in the finacial aspect of things. No she will not continue her actions, there already are consequences for her actions. She is finally living with me not around to help her. If I buy her something, she has to pay me back no questions. She wanted to know what it is like to live single, with a child no doubt. She has never been alone for more then 12 hours with our son. I work 12 hour shifts. I have had him by myself while she was on vaca twice for a total of almost 2 weeks. She won't be able to handle taking care of the house, kid, and get ready for out of town company. No one in her family will talk to her, no one in our neighborhood will talk to her. Like she says, "I have a big scarllett A on my forehead." I know she does. I am glad she has been alienated from her whole family, who incicdently, support me whole-heartedly. No I won't be in anymore pain if she decides to beg for me to come back, which I see her doing in a few short weeks.

 

In closing, don't worry about me. I can live without her, not vice versa.

 

 

Open mouth, insert foot. I can't believe I said these things. My emotions were running away from me at this point. I do love my wife, I do want her back. I am an idiot, you all can see that just from reading this ^ crap. I guess the meds started working after I wrote this. If you are reading this A, I am sorry.

[Ladyjane14]

This is the "rollercoaster" you've heard so much about, here at LS. Sorry.

 

But that's how it is for most folks who are dealing with infidelity. You're up one day, full of hope....and down the next. It takes time to sort it all out, but it always feels like time is in short supply. It's not. It just feels that way. Time is a wonderful curative. So, try to relax.

 

You didn't say specifically what you did that required "damage control". But I'll reiterate my earlier mantra to you:

 

If you are not in control of your emotions, then your emotions are in control of YOU.

 

Experiment with some relaxation techniques like deep breathing, soft music, yoga, or even vigorous exercise. Spend some time really devoting yourself to this. There is time.....

 

Because, for all intents and purposes your marriage is OVER. That's not to say that there is no hope for reconciliation, but if you think of marriage as a contract....your contract has been voided by the breaking of your marriage vows. Your wife has certainly broken hers by allowing an interloper to interfere in the bond between you. And perhaps you, yourself, did not "love, honor, and cherish" as you should have. Either way, the vows were NOT upheld. The contract has been broken.

 

Reconciliation is a NEW contract....a new deal. This is what you strive for. It's not to recoop your losses, but rather to make something better than what you had before. That may, or may not, happen in your case. Time will tell.

 

Devildog has given you excellent advice. He's been through it, and he's come through unjaded. Revisit his words. You have nothing to lose that isn't already lost.

[CHAZ87]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

 

Because, for all intents and purposes your marriage is OVER. That's not to say that there is no hope for reconciliation, but if you think of marriage as a contract....your contract has been voided by the breaking of your marriage vows. Your wife has certainly broken hers by allowing an interloper to interfere in the bond between you. And perhaps you, yourself, did not "love, honor, and cherish" as you should have. Either way, the vows were NOT upheld. The contract has been broken.

 

Reconciliation is a NEW contract....a new deal. This is what you strive for. It's not to recoop your losses, but rather to make something better than what you had before. That may, or may not, happen in your case. Time will tell.

 

Devildog has given you excellent advice. He's been through it, and he's come through unjaded. Revisit his words. You have nothing to lose that isn't already lost.

 

 

I try and revisit his words from time to time. As for the damage control, I said to my wife when it got heated and my emotions were right out there, I said "At least I didn't F-somebody else." I know what you mean about controlling emotions. I think I am getting a handle on them. My wife and I are getting along better then we ever did during our marriage. Another thing, she read the post that I qouted myself and asked me if I meant any of it. There goes my emotions running my life again. I like how you put reconciliation is a NEW contract, I just hope my wife wants to enter a new life with me. Like I said previously, I promised to change and make things better, I went to the well one to many times.

 

Now that I am exercising and on anti-depressents, I have not felt this good physically and mentally in a long time. I don't want to go back to the person I was. But I think my wife thinks that is what is going to happen. I wish I could show her that what I am saying is the truth. I know, I know, actions speak louder then words. I am trying to show her what she means to me. I don't know what the future holds, but I will enjoy the remainder of these days to the fullest before I know who is in my life. Then I'll jump off that bridge when I get to it.

[CHAZ87]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

 

Because, for all intents and purposes your marriage is OVER. That's not to say that there is no hope for reconciliation, but if you think of marriage as a contract....your contract has been voided by the breaking of your marriage vows. Your wife has certainly broken hers by allowing an interloper to interfere in the bond between you. And perhaps you, yourself, did not "love, honor, and cherish" as you should have. Either way, the vows were NOT upheld. The contract has been broken.

 

Reconciliation is a NEW contract....a new deal. This is what you strive for. It's not to recoop your losses, but rather to make something better than what you had before. That may, or may not, happen in your case. Time will tell.

 

Devildog has given you excellent advice. He's been through it, and he's come through unjaded. Revisit his words. You have nothing to lose that isn't already lost.

 

 

I try and revisit his words from time to time. As for the damage control, I said to my wife when it got heated and my emotions were right out there, I said "At least I didn't F-somebody else." I know what you mean about controlling emotions. I think I am getting a handle on them. My wife and I are getting along better then we ever did during our marriage. Another thing, she read the post that I qouted myself and asked me if I meant any of it. There goes my emotions running my life again. I like how you put reconciliation is a NEW contract, I just hope my wife wants to enter a new life with me. Like I said previously, I promised to change and make things better, I went to the well one to many times.

 

Now that I am exercising and on anti-depressents, I have not felt this good physically and mentally in a long time. I don't want to go back to the person I was. But I think my wife thinks that is what is going to happen. I wish I could show her that what I am saying is the truth. I know, I know, actions speak louder then words. I am trying to show her what she means to me. I don't know what the future holds, but I will enjoy the remainder of these days to the fullest before I know who is in my life. Then I'll jump off that bridge when I get to it.

[CHAZ87]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

 

Because, for all intents and purposes your marriage is OVER. That's not to say that there is no hope for reconciliation, but if you think of marriage as a contract....your contract has been voided by the breaking of your marriage vows. Your wife has certainly broken hers by allowing an interloper to interfere in the bond between you. And perhaps you, yourself, did not "love, honor, and cherish" as you should have. Either way, the vows were NOT upheld. The contract has been broken.

 

Reconciliation is a NEW contract....a new deal. This is what you strive for. It's not to recoop your losses, but rather to make something better than what you had before. That may, or may not, happen in your case. Time will tell.

 

Devildog has given you excellent advice. He's been through it, and he's come through unjaded. Revisit his words. You have nothing to lose that isn't already lost.

 

 

I try and revisit his words from time to time. As for the damage control, I said to my wife when it got heated and my emotions were right out there, I said "At least I didn't F-somebody else." I know what you mean about controlling emotions. I think I am getting a handle on them. My wife and I are getting along better then we ever did during our marriage. Another thing, she read the post that I qouted myself and asked me if I meant any of it. There goes my emotions running my life again. I like how you put reconciliation is a NEW contract, I just hope my wife wants to enter a new life with me. Like I said previously, I promised to change and make things better, I went to the well one to many times.

 

Now that I am exercising and on anti-depressents, I have not felt this good physically and mentally in a long time. I don't want to go back to the person I was. But I think my wife thinks that is what is going to happen. I wish I could show her that what I am saying is the truth. I know, I know, actions speak louder then words. I am trying to show her what she means to me. I don't know what the future holds, but I will enjoy the remainder of these days to the fullest before I know who is in my life. Then I'll jump off that bridge when I get to it.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by CHAZ87

Now that I am exercising and on anti-depressents, I have not felt this good physically and mentally in a long time. I don't want to go back to the person I was. But I think my wife thinks that is what is going to happen. I wish I could show her that what I am saying is the truth. I know, I know, actions speak louder then words.

 

It takes TIME to show that your actions are indeed louder than your words. So keep working on relaxation. There are ALWAYS dips when you're on the rollercoaster. You need to learn to breathe through them, and allow them to pass. That way you aren't showing a negative action.

 

You're doing well, and it shows because you "have not felt this good physically and mentally in a long time". Hang in there.

[CHAZ87]

Thank you so much. I guess an update is in order. We are going on a week vacation with some friends of hers that I had the pleasure of meeting in Reno. I belive this vacation will be a true test for me and showing her how well I can treat her. I want to be the person I know I can become for my wife. We have problems, but like you said LJ, reconciliation is a new contract. I just hope both of our names are signed at the bottom when this is all said and done.

[Sven]

Why would you want somebody who cheated on you?

 

Just say no, you deserve better.

[CHAZ87]

Hate to sound mean or rude, but here it goes. Sven, are you married? Have you ever spent almost half your life with an amazing person? Are you perfect? Nobody is. My love for my wife supercedes alot. No I can't automatically forgive and forget, but I am willing to put forth the time and effort to turn my marriage into what it was supposed to be. I am sorry if this sounds rude, but I guess I am getting a little tired of people saying how I should kick her to the curb, turn away from her and find somebody else. I apologize for being old fashioned, but if loving ones wife is old fashioned, through thick and thin, better or worse, and all the things in between, then I would take that as a compliment. My wife is a huge part of my life, I have been with her for along time for as young as I am. She has stuck by me after I have done some atrocious things to her. I have not been the husband I vowed to be, but d@mnit!! I love my wife and am willing to stick beside her. If she doesn't want to reconcile with me, I will still have a friend most people would die for. That is how deep my feelings are for my wife. I can't even begin to tell you how much regret I have for not being the man she needed, but that man she had for all those years, is dead. He will never come back, not even in a rerun.

 

But... for all those people that have offered up some positive advice, you will not be forgotten. I have strived to live my life to the fullest over the last month. I have enjoyed my wife's company over the last couple of weeks. We have been getting along better then we have ever have in our marriage. This is were the regret comes from.

[CHAZ87]

Okay, okay. I guess I will stop posting on other people's threads and just update my own. My wife and I decided at the end of July that we were going to try and work it out and have the marriage we both wanted. She told the OM that there is to be no more physical contact between them anymore. But she would not tell him what was going on between us. She pushed him away far enough to were he ended it with her, I saw this as a wonderful start. Next day he IM'd her asking for a chance at reconciliation. It was then that she finally told him about us.

 

Things were going great until we had a pretty big arguement. It was about the fact that he was still around training her. This did nothing more then breed resentment in me and I turned it loose. This arguement lasted for like 3 days. When we finally agreed to stop and lick our wounds, things started to go sour. I drug my feet getting into IC. She went to one session and her counsler told her to quit training all together and work on the relationship. My wife basically stuck up her middle finger at her and continued training. More resentment. She was training almost everyday, I started checking on her, where she was, phone records, and the like. She got very frustrated at that, saying she was being treated like a child. Well, after reading here and "His Needs, Her Needs" the chapter on surviving an affair, she should expect that. Well I stopped checking on her and made the mistake about taking her at her word. Still training with OM mind you.

 

Fast forward a couple weeks to last week. We got into a huge argument the resulted in her breaking my cell phone and her leaving, she said she went to her "cousins" house, come to find she went to OM's house. Just a second and I will explain. The morning of our arguement, she told him that WE have been intimate together, while they were "together". He became very cold to her, and told her it was unforgivable, what about me dude? She did not tell me any of this until the Saturday after our big arguement. She comes clean and tells me she lied about OM being with someone else just so she could continue training. Instantly died inside. Then she drops a nuke, "I am still in love with him" and telling me she wants a divorce and wants to move out.

 

Well this past Tuesday, I had my first session of IC. He tells me she should not be my outlet for my anger, well no duh! Wife tells me that the OM has been completely cold towards her, saying he needs time and can't forgive what happened. Again I ask, what about me? She still is adamate about moving out. I told her I am not going to try and change her mind. Alot has happened and our 4yo boy is now in the middle. After my appt, I get home and she gives me a big hug and a very nice kiss on the lips and tells me she is proud of me for going. Then Last night she tells me everything OM said to her and that she needs a hug. Tells me "I'm scared" I asked "Of what," And she replies "That you wont want me back." I told her I am more scared that she wont come back. I may be moving to Louisiana for a couple months and it is going to test me to the max. But I am ready for any challenge. AEC, the headphones will always be in.

Sorry for the long update.