Should I be honest or play tough?

[Ana-Iva]

Short story is that I have been involved with a MM for the past 7 month. I am actively trying to find a way out of it, but it is complicated by the fact that I have to see him and will be running into him a lot. And as every other selfish MM out there, he never lets me go, but pursues me till the bitter end.

 

We are in the same club with a girl whom he has been using to make me jealous. He often jokes around just to sting me, and says things like oh she is so pretty and has beautiful hair...oh I will go to her place to have breakfast when her bf is out... she is my favourite woman in the club, etc. He says this then looks at me and starts laughing, as for him it is all a joke. But I sense more. She is a pretty 25 years old, he is 56, I am 38. I see she likes him too because of the way he gets her going, she enjoys that quite a lot when he is teasing and she goes while laughing (oh I just want to wipe that smile off his face)... So they are very friendly with each other. I told him that I think he is using her to get to me and provoke jealousy, and ever since I told him, he has been joking around more than ever because he knows he can tease me with it.

 

Now I am already at a point where I think something is actually happening, and I am feeling really sad. I am ready to quit the club, lose high membership fees that I paid, and cut the only activity that makes me happy and that I have been actively doing all my life (which would make me very depressed).

 

Should I tell him how he makes me feel with that girl and see if things change or should I just play cool and have him think I do not even notice his inconsiderate remarks?

 

TBH, I want to do something to him for a while already, something to make him pay for everything he has done in his life. I could tell his wife if he pushes me too far. I could hint to that 25 years old girl from the club who he really is.

There is a big part of me that hates him, and there is a big part of me that cannot leave because of that messed up connection we have. At least I am not deluding myself and do not believe a word of what he says about how much he cares, and all that.

 

But back to my question about what to do right now, sorry for digression...

[loveisanaction]

What do you do right now? You end things with him. He’s married, both you and the 25 year old are women he likes to have fun with, he isn’t taking either of you seriously. Look now, he’s even flirting with her in front of you and telling you that he will go to her house when her boyfriend isn’t at home. He may be joking or be may be letting you know for future references his intentions for her. Either way, he has absolutely no respect for you and no fear of losing you.

 

There is no playing it cool. End it! He is married and once he tires of playing around with women he is not married to he will go home and be with the woman who he is married to.

 

There’s no reason for you to get mad or get even by telling his wife; after all he’s not forcing you to remain in this affair, you are choosing to stay in it. You can leave anytime you want to but you’re choosing to remain in it.

 

You are 38 with still plenty of time to find somebody (and YES you will find somebody you connect with on the same on level as your married man) and settle down and have children with, if that’s what you want. But if you think things are going to change with Don Juan, you’ve got another think coming. He will waste the best years of your life then dump you for somebody younger…which by the looks of it he’s already on his way to doing.

[Maddieandtae]

Ana just cut this situation off, he owes you nothing just as you OWE him nothing. Pick yourself up and walk away from this mess. As far as your club you did join it for you not HIM so enjoy doing what you signed up to do for your enjoyment! I wouldn't bother letting the "25" year old know who he is, not your place at all. I do think you need to explore who you are though. It would help you in Moving forward and not entangling yourself in a marriage that isn't yours in the future. Remember there is a lot of hurt in this situation for all involved and one party may not have any idea at all how much hurt is coming once this implodes:(

[Ronnie33]

Is he 56 or 16? What an immature loser.

 

This is all a game to him, there's no connection. He wouldn't treat you like that if there was. I have been with my AP for 3 years even though it is basically over. Anyway, we were good friends first. He has never flirted with other woman in front of me and wouldn't. The whole situation is wrong but the least you can try to do is respect eachother's feelings in this crappy situation.

 

This guy doesn't respect you at all. Get out.

[Ana-Iva]

I will get out eventually and no I have no delusions about anything concerning us.

 

I was just wondering if, for now, I should try to talk to him about it or not.

[NTV]

I will get out eventually and no I have no delusions about anything concerning us.

 

I was just wondering if, for now, I should try to talk to him about it or not.

 

 

 

I think you should talk to his wife about it. I doubt very much after coming clean to her about your relationship with him and the 25 yr old that he'd be coming back to that club, lol.

 

 

Then you keep your hobby and excommunicate him--all in one quick conversation.

[loveisanaction]

What are you going to tell him? “I don’t like the way you flirt with so-and-so?” he’ll probably say “I’m sure my wife will feel the same way about you.”

 

I hate to be blunt but when you play with fire expect to get burnt.

[Ana-Iva]

What are you going to tell him? “I don’t like the way you flirt with so-and-so?” he’ll probably say “I’m sure my wife will feel the same way about you.”

 

I hate to be blunt but when you play with fire expect to get burnt.

 

It is not all black and white as you are presenting it... He would never use those words for once. He was the first one to suggest we do not see other people.... ironic because he is married. He flipped several months ago because my friend slept over and he did not believe me that we did not have sex, told me he would never do it to me. Funny.

 

Yes, I am probably going to tell him that he is hurting me when he makes his dumb jokes.

 

Would just like someone to address my question, share their opinion about it...

Speculations and things I already know are not helping me at the moment.

[cozycottagelg]

I have never been in this situation, and honestly reading your post made me want to shake you. However, I know you're just looking for advice...

 

I would be tough. If you have no plans for any kind of future, he doesn't need to know your feelings. He sounds like a complete a-hole honestly.

 

Next time you see a handsome man at the club, let your eyes linger. Pay more attention to someone else than you do to him. He doesn't want to be your world so act like he isn't necessary in yours.

[loveisanaction]

It is not all black and white as you are presenting it... He would never use those words for once. He was the first one to suggest we do not see other people.... ironic because he is married. He flipped several months ago because my friend slept over and he did not believe me that we did not have sex, told me he would never do it to me. Funny.

 

Yes, I am probably going to tell him that he is hurting me when he makes his dumb jokes.

 

Would just like someone to address my question, share their opinion about it...

Speculations and things I already know are not helping me at the moment.

 

 

You have a choice to end your affair, you are not the one who is married to him but you are choosing to stay. In doing so you are the one causing your own pain.

 

Just his flirting is causing you pain yet you are actually sleeping with him which in turn is causing his wife pain...ain't that something?

 

Newsflash! Even if he said you both should not see other people he is still cheating on his wife.

[Ana-Iva]

You have a choice to end your affair, you are not the one who is married to him but you are choosing to stay. In doing so you are the one causing your own pain.

 

Just his flirting is causing you pain yet you are actually sleeping with him which in turn is causing his wife pain...ain't that something?

 

Newsflash! Even if he said you both should not see other people he is still cheating on his wife.

 

Yes, yes, I know all of that... and it is easier said than done.

 

I said I am trying and will do it soon but for now I need a help with specific question.

[Ana-Iva]

I have never been in this situation, and honestly reading your post made me want to shake you. However, I know you're just looking for advice...

 

I would be tough. If you have no plans for any kind of future, he doesn't need to know your feelings. He sounds like a complete a-hole honestly.

 

Next time you see a handsome man at the club, let your eyes linger. Pay more attention to someone else than you do to him. He doesn't want to be your world so act like he isn't necessary in yours.

 

I hear you. I want to shake myself too and I already told my friends they can slap me across my face. Relationship with him is the worst thing I have ever done in my life, to myself and to another person.

 

But you are wrong about one thing - he does want to be my world and the only guy in my life. He is making more effort with me than he does with anyone else in his life. He is the one that brings up feelings and describes his emotions as strong. I can see how it affected him when we broke up shortly. He could not even hide it in the club, the way he played was just out of focus and bad. But you are right nevertheless - he is an ahole.

 

Your post reminded me of my mum who promised herself long ago that nobody will ever (again) know if she loved them. I always thought it was sad to be that way. And she is implementing that and is with my stepdad for 15 years in a good and happy relationship. So I am nobody to tell her how to live her life, and if it works for her then God bless, but I know I would not be able to be like her.

[BuddyX]

Yes it's back and white. You're either with a MM or you're not.

If someone came to you and asked you "Is there someone in your life?" What would your response be? "It's complicated?" Or maybe "I'm dating a 56yo married man?". You know how silly those answers are coming from a mid 30 woman.

[bummer]

Relationship with him is the worst thing I have ever done in my life, to myself and to another person.

FACT.

 

But you are wrong about one thing - he does want to be my world and the only guy in my life. He is making more effort with me than he does with anyone else in his life. He is the one that brings up feelings and describes his emotions as strong. I can see how it affected him when we broke up shortly. He could not even hide it in the club, the way he played was just out of focus and bad. But you are right nevertheless - he is an ahole.

 

Here's some more speculation: Married men who cheat are master manipulators. How many other women has he cheated with before you? You think if he left his wife your current dynamic would survive? He wants the thrill and will say anything to maintain it including controlling language about insecurities and emotions.

 

To answer your bolded question, tell him how it makes you feel, be strong and say nothing. It doesn't matter. You're glossing over the elephant in the room for relationship advice for a non-relationship... Good luck.

[Ana-Iva]

Yes it's back and white. You're either with a MM or you're not.

If someone came to you and asked you "Is there someone in your life?" What would your response be? "It's complicated?" Or maybe "I'm dating a 56yo married man?". You know how silly those answers are coming from a mid 30 woman.

 

Oh, I meant something else by black and white but to address your questions - I would be willing to drop him in a second if someone great came along. I do get offers to go out on dates but so far nobody that would interest me enough to actually go out on a date. I declare myself kind of seeing someone when I want to decline the invitation, and will say I am single to whoever interests me.

[Ana-Iva]

FACT.

 

 

 

Here's some more speculation: Married men who cheat are master manipulators. How many other women has he cheated with before you? You think if he left his wife your current dynamic would survive? He wants the thrill and will say anything to maintain it including controlling language about insecurities and emotions.

 

To answer your bolded question, tell him how it makes you feel, be strong and say nothing. It doesn't matter. You're glossing over the elephant in the room for relationship advice for a non-relationship... Good luck.

 

No delusions here, I know who he is, no need to go over that with me. I do not want to have life and future with him because that relationship would not make me happy.

 

I want to make it an easy transition right now for myself though. But yes, I think you are right - I will tell him most likely and not in any sentimental and emotional way. Just very honest and see what happens after that. If it continues, I can always decide to make him pay for being an ahole.

[NTV]

 

Should I tell him how he makes me feel with that girl and see if things change or should I just play cool and have him think I do not even notice his inconsiderate remarks?

 

 

 

You said you really wanted help answer this question, but you already have the answer in front of you: you shouldn't do either.

 

 

Both allow him to pull you back in and play his game. On his terms. And that's what he's doing with the 25 year old and the remarks. Putting the game on his term... and that's exactly what this is to him. A freaking game. Not even chess, he's playing Candyland. with your emotions.

 

 

But that's what you want, right? You want him to pull you back in and tell you how precious and beautiful and perfect you are. Are you are his soulmate and that he has never loved anyone else like you before. He couldn't imagine life without you.

 

 

How do I know those words? Because they are the words of a liar.

 

 

You are being played. Part of you likes it. Part of you hates it. Part of you wants to play just because you want to win. Part of you knows the whole game is wrong.

 

 

And that's how you became divided. That's why it's so hard, because you are fighting against yourself. You are your worst enemy right now.

 

 

And my first answer, to tell his wife, is the key. Take any of those parts, and the means to reach what you truly want is by telling his wife.

 

 

You want him forever? Tell his wife, they divorce, now you can have him all.

 

 

You want him gone? Tell his wife, they divorce, he's gone.

 

 

You don't want to feel guilty? Tell his wife, at least she knows. Guilt is settled.

 

 

Want to hurt him back? Tell his wife and he will have to deal with the mess he made. You win.

[BuddyX]

Then you're saying you need a man to make you happy. You're going to keep a man at arms length if it suits you. I feel for your next potential suitor.

 

I think it's time for you to step back and reasses. Doubt you know what you want in your life. Figure out who you are first.

[Ana-Iva]

Too many speculations and invented things in a couple of last posts.

 

NTV - No, he has never told me he loved me or that he felt about me as never before... No there was no fairy tales. No, i do not want him for the future. I am also wondering how do you know those words - I have never heard them.

 

Buddy X- No I am not saying I need a man to make me happy. No you should not feel for any of my next partners because I treat people with love and respect when I am in a proper relationship, and am the most faithful woman you will ever meet. It is just that with him, unlike with anyone before, I would not feel any guilt for anything that I would do to him. And what I do to other men that ask me out is nice and considerate: instead of telling them that I find then as attractive as a wet rug, I say sorry, but I am seeing someone.

 

Yes, I know who I am and what I want. I had just moved to a new city, was depressed and alone and he was the only one knocking on my door and calling. He was most of my social life at the time I did not have the strength to get out of the bed to seek new friends. I was happy to drag myself to the club and play my sport. And that required monumental effort, those who experienced more than mild to modest depression will know what I am talking about. I am out of that period now, but he is something I need to get rid of gradually, so as to not ruin my club for myself. That is why I needed answer.

 

I feel like throwing out all the attacks on person and speculations are degrading the level of discussion here. Many good people have found themselves in a situation like this.

[Ana-Iva]

And NTV, I have been weighing cons and pros to tell his wife. Is she better off not knowing or knowing? Is he going to become really nasty with me at the club and ruin it for me somehow? Is it even going to be any sort of punishment to a bastard like that? I guess it would be because his adult 3 kids would know who he is and everyone in his family friend circles. Well, for me to pull that card, he would have to do something really nasty to me.

[bummer]

And NTV, I have been weighing cons and pros to tell his wife. Is she better off not knowing or knowing? Is he going to become really nasty with me at the club and ruin it for me somehow? Is it even going to be any sort of punishment to a bastard like that? I guess it would be because his adult 3 kids would know who he is and everyone in his family friend circles. Well, for me to pull that card, he would have to do something really nasty to me.

 

I think forcing his hand to tell the wife instead of you doing it has more impact. As your question hints at, is she better knowing or not? Does she already know? You can't decide that for her. Let him.

 

When it ends, it will definitely change your club dynamic. He may try to paint you poorly with others to sully your image and bolster his own. Either way, hopefully you both can maturely end it and leave the club out of it so you both can continue to enjoy it.

 

Is it punishment for him? depends how much he loves the illusion of control and power. From your posts, I think he will go ape-shlt if his secret is revealed. His adult kids probably know more dirt on him than you. I doubt youre his first or last. Adult kids rarely care what the old man is up to anymore.

 

Play your chess game carefully. And if it does blow up instead of fizzle out, post the fallout here for us to gawk at.

[skywriter]

Short story is that I have been involved with a MM for the past 7 month. I am actively trying to find a way out of it, but it is complicated by the fact that I have to see him and will be running into him a lot. And as every other selfish MM out there, he never lets me go, but pursues me till the bitter end.

 

We are in the same club with a girl whom he has been using to make me jealous. He often jokes around just to sting me, and says things like oh she is so pretty and has beautiful hair...oh I will go to her place to have breakfast when her bf is out... she is my favourite woman in the club, etc. He says this then looks at me and starts laughing, as for him it is all a joke. But I sense more. She is a pretty 25 years old, he is 56, I am 38. I see she likes him too because of the way he gets her going, she enjoys that quite a lot when he is teasing and she goes while laughing (oh I just want to wipe that smile off his face)... So they are very friendly with each other. I told him that I think he is using her to get to me and provoke jealousy, and ever since I told him, he has been joking around more than ever because he knows he can tease me with it.

 

Now I am already at a point where I think something is actually happening, and I am feeling really sad. I am ready to quit the club, lose high membership fees that I paid, and cut the only activity that makes me happy and that I have been actively doing all my life (which would make me very depressed).

 

Should I tell him how he makes me feel with that girl and see if things change or should I just play cool and have him think I do not even notice his inconsiderate remarks?

TBH, I want to do something to him for a while already, something to make him pay for everything he has done in his life. I could tell his wife if he pushes me too far. I could hint to that 25 years old girl from the club who he really is.

There is a big part of me that hates him, and there is a big part of me that cannot leave because of that messed up connection we have. At least I am not deluding myself and do not believe a word of what he says about how much he cares, and all that.

 

But back to my question about what to do right now, sorry for digression...

 

I was involved in an affair for a couple of months shy of six years. I experienced situations just as you are experiencing. To answer your question, sure tell the MM how it makes you feel, for whatever it's worth.

 

Venting to him will make you feel better, and maybe he will change temporarily, so you won't blow up his secret behavior to his wife. Then again, she probably has some idea of her husbands crafty behavior on the side.

 

Knowing, you already think something else is happening, should be a huge turning point, in protecting your personal health, both physically and emotionally.

 

I feel for his wife, sounds like he has sociopathic behavior.No shame in his game.

Edited August 17, 2016 by skywriter

[NTV]

And NTV, I have been weighing cons and pros to tell his wife. Is she better off not knowing or knowing? Is he going to become really nasty with me at the club and ruin it for me somehow? Is it even going to be any sort of punishment to a bastard like that? I guess it would be because his adult 3 kids would know who he is and everyone in his family friend circles. Well, for me to pull that card, he would have to do something really nasty to me.

 

Would you wanna know?

 

 

It's kinda just the right thing to do, regardless of why you do it.

Example:

You see a kid in the street about to get hit by a bus and you push him out of the way because you want to save him.

or

You see a kid in the street about to get hit by a bus and you push him out of the way because you want to get on TV as some big hero.

or

You see a kid in the street about to get hit by a bus and you push him out of the way because you want knock him down because he looks ugly and stupid and you hate him.

 

 

 

 

The reason doesn't stop the act itself from being the right thing to do. And that boys parents could care less why you did it as long as their baby is safe.

 

 

I know I'm getting philosophical on you, but I guess just saying 'yes she's better off knowing' without telling you why wouldn't have done as much to answer your question.

 

 

 

 

-----------------------

 

 

As a side note, I think everyone know what it's like to be alone in a new place and a little scared and depressed. It's understandable. But in saying that you're passing yourself off as either a victim or as prey. Maybe you see yourself as one of those two things, I don't know. It's okay to realize that you were in a temporary place of weakness and now you are getting stronger. That's pretty normal too.

 

 

But if you're getting stronger, and you were made to be a victim or some one's prey... what are you going to do about it?

 

 

And yes, you've got a lot of people making judgment calls in their advice.... really take a look around on the OM/OW threads and see... there is a whole lot of commonalities. Repeated patterns.

 

 

So if the pattern is that a woman cheats with a married man and comes here for help getting out of it, and the advice that worked for them never escaped their skull... just one line sometimes that rattles around there forever becoming a mantra of strength.... then wouldn't that person repeat it to the next lady in the same situation? Or if was harsh words that served as the wake-up call, would that lady then also use harsh words to in an effort to replicate the same wake up call?

 

 

Just my thoughts anyways, and who am I? Just some stranger on the internet.

[loveisanaction]

I think people have forgotten what the word judgement means. If a person does not agree with what you are doing that is not called judgement that is called a disagreement.

 

The OP is upset that her married man is flirting with another woman yet she is doing something much worse with the married man. She wants advice on how to tell her married man that his flirting is hurting her never mind that she is causing pain 1000x worse than flirting.

 

She’s not happy because people are telling her to end her affair with her married man, that’s not what she wants to hear. She wants her married man to stop flirting…but she doesn’t want to stop sleeping with him.

 

Please! Pfffttt!!

[Ana-Iva]

I think people have forgotten what the word judgement means. If a person does not agree with what you are doing that is not called judgement that is called a disagreement.

 

The OP is upset that her married man is flirting with another woman yet she is doing something much worse with the married man. She wants advice on how to tell her married man that his flirting is hurting her never mind that she is causing pain 1000x worse than flirting.

 

She’s not happy because people are telling her to end her affair with her married man, that’s not what she wants to hear. She wants her married man to stop flirting…but she doesn’t want to stop sleeping with him.

 

Please! Pfffttt!!

 

Please! Pffffft!