Should I be honest or play tough?

[Ana-Iva]

Would you wanna know?

 

 

It's kinda just the right thing to do, regardless of why you do it.

Example:

You see a kid in the street about to get hit by a bus and you push him out of the way because you want to save him.

or

You see a kid in the street about to get hit by a bus and you push him out of the way because you want to get on TV as some big hero.

or

You see a kid in the street about to get hit by a bus and you push him out of the way because you want knock him down because he looks ugly and stupid and you hate him.

 

 

 

 

The reason doesn't stop the act itself from being the right thing to do. And that boys parents could care less why you did it as long as their baby is safe.

 

 

I know I'm getting philosophical on you, but I guess just saying 'yes she's better off knowing' without telling you why wouldn't have done as much to answer your question.

 

 

 

 

-----------------------

 

 

As a side note, I think everyone know what it's like to be alone in a new place and a little scared and depressed. It's understandable. But in saying that you're passing yourself off as either a victim or as prey. Maybe you see yourself as one of those two things, I don't know. It's okay to realize that you were in a temporary place of weakness and now you are getting stronger. That's pretty normal too.

 

 

But if you're getting stronger, and you were made to be a victim or some one's prey... what are you going to do about it?

 

 

And yes, you've got a lot of people making judgment calls in their advice.... really take a look around on the OM/OW threads and see... there is a whole lot of commonalities. Repeated patterns.

 

 

So if the pattern is that a woman cheats with a married man and comes here for help getting out of it, and the advice that worked for them never escaped their skull... just one line sometimes that rattles around there forever becoming a mantra of strength.... then wouldn't that person repeat it to the next lady in the same situation? Or if was harsh words that served as the wake-up call, would that lady then also use harsh words to in an effort to replicate the same wake up call?

 

 

Just my thoughts anyways, and who am I? Just some stranger on the internet.

 

Totally agree on you about the motives and effects story. It is effects that matter. Whether I would do it out of revenge or not, is a side issue.

 

I do recognize the patterns, mostly because of all the stories I read here. I am by far not his first and not his last. I have ruined nothing beautiful, I was just one of them whoknowshowmany, which made it easier to get into affair. Even in my state of loneliness at the time I met him, I refused all his advances for three month. And we spent every other day together and it was not easy - chemistry was great. Loneliness mixed with that got the better of me and I understand why. It would not happen had I been home with family and friends. But imagine your phone not ringing ever, and nobody to talk to for months... and not having it in you to go out, as even going to WC was hard, work kept me going out. When we got into it, I did not feel anything else but how to get out of it... I know I have to, I know I will, it is just that now is not the time while season at the club and competitions are still ongoing. It is not easy to see him all the time if we are not together, we do have feelings for each other. It is easy to say, end it and be civil at the club... I will end it, and be civil, but will be dying on the inside (not because of anything my brain tells me, but emotions... you all know the story, we are not made out of stone). I do not love him, I could not love someone I do not respect as a human being. I do have feelings for him, and they are pretty strong.

One day... soon. I will post.

[elaine567]

 

But you are wrong about one thing - he does want to be my world and the only guy in my life.

 

Yes, but most men who are cheating or playing the field want to be the only person in the woman's life. Most men in that situation are jealous possessive and upset over other men hanging about.

 

That doesn't mean he cares for you.

By you being exclusive to him, it just means HE occupies a very important position in YOUR life and that is a huge ego boost for him. That doesn't mean that YOU occupy a very important position in HIS life though, that is the incorrect assumption many women make.

 

In his mind he is "da man" he has two besotted women, (or sometimes more) in tow, he wants his women to be involved with only him.

If the women are also seeing other men, then he has to accept "sloppy seconds" and that is NOT what he wants.

He has to be the VIP in their lives, they have to be exclusive to him. Hypocritical yes, but that is often how it works.

[Ana-Iva]

Yes, but most men who are cheating or playing the field want to be the only person in the woman's life. Most men in that situation are jealous possessive and upset over other men hanging about.

 

That doesn't mean he cares for you.

By you being exclusive to him, it just means HE occupies a very important position in YOUR life and that is a huge ego boost for him. That doesn't mean that YOU occupy a very important position in HIS life though, that is the incorrect assumption many women make.

 

In his mind he is "da man" he has two besotted women, (or sometimes more) in tow, he wants his women to be involved with only him.

If the women are also seeing other men, then he has to accept "sloppy seconds" and that is NOT what he wants.

He has to be the VIP in their lives, they have to be exclusive to him. Hypocritical yes, but that is often how it works.

 

Exactly. I posted here about him feeling entitled a while ago. A big part of me wants to crush his ego to peaces...

Justice would be served. For all the women he brought into this situation and for what he is doing to his wife for 30 years, and mostly, lets be honest, for how he used my weak situation to drag me into something I kept telling him I did not want to be a part of.

 

Revenge is the dish best served cold and cold it will be. You will be hearing all about that if I find guts to implement it. I am mostly worried about what it will do to his wife. Happy and ignorant or aware that your whole life was a lie... which one would she choose...

[NTV]

It sounds like you're on the cusp of something I don't know if it's an Awakening or Reawakening or inspiration or rejuvenation or a change in perception.... but it really sounds like you're almost there. I don't know if I have the words to push you over that edge or whether any words could do that but I do hope that your journey in life from this point on is better.

[sandylee1]

Don't you see that you are simply wasting your time with this man? You want to be the only OW, but he's happy to have an OOW. You'll soon be dealing with an OOOW if you don't pull the plug on it.

 

MM like him will always be able to find an OW, because a whole load of women accept that role. The upside of this is that you can see what he's doing right in front of you.

 

He'd never try it in front of his wife who he has a smidgen of respect for and an obligation to be faithful to, because he doesn't want to loose her. He has neither respect or obligation to you and he certainly isn't bothered about loosing you.

 

In fact he may well be doing it as a hint for you to dump him. Several of these MM are cowards and want you to think you ended it, but the truth is they've had enough of the OW and want out.

 

Think about it for a minute. Would you act the way he's doing? No. Why? Because you like him/love him perhaps. So what logical explanation is there for his behaviour? Answer .. he doesn't care.

[Ana-Iva]

It sounds like you're on the cusp of something I don't know if it's an Awakening or Reawakening or inspiration or rejuvenation or a change in perception.... but it really sounds like you're almost there. I don't know if I have the words to push you over that edge or whether any words could do that but I do hope that your journey in life from this point on is better.

 

Thanks x

 

I will post here eventually if and when something happens. I will update on the talk that I now decided to have.

 

I am discussing details of my affair with my 55 year old friend who was in my MMs situation years ago. He left his wife and is living with his now long term girlfriend and is happy. So it is possible for SOME people. Not EVERY affair ends bad. That is why giving prepackaged advice to people here might not be the best thing. I am aware that I am not in one of those rare situations and I am not the one that belongs to that 1% of affairs that turn into real thing. I would not want anything more with him than I already have. I just need it to be respectful while it lasts.

[Ana-Iva]

Don't you see that you are simply wasting your time with this man? You want to be the only OW, but he's happy to have an OOW. You'll soon be dealing with an OOOW if you don't pull the plug on it.

 

MM like him will always be able to find an OW, because a whole load of women accept that role. The upside of this is that you can see what he's doing right in front of you.

 

He'd never try it in front of his wife who he has a smidgen of respect for and an obligation to be faithful to, because he doesn't want to loose her. He has neither respect or obligation to you and he certainly isn't bothered about loosing you.

 

In fact he may well be doing it as a hint for you to dump him. Several of these MM are cowards and want you to think you ended it, but the truth is they've had enough of the OW and want out.

 

Think about it for a minute. Would you act the way he's doing? No. Why? Because you like him/love him perhaps. So what logical explanation is there for his behaviour? Answer .. he doesn't care.

 

To answer your first question - yes, i can see that I am wasting my time with him. I am just not ready to pull the plug quite yet.

 

I do not love him and I do not like him as a human being on any objective level. Feelings are there for godknowswhat reason, probably attraction and common interests. I actually enjoy spending time with him.

 

He is not hinting that he wants to dump me. That much I know. He is just getting more and more into me. I can feel and see that. But his sense of humour is just not very funny and he can take it too far. That is why I think talking to him openly would perhaps fix that issue. He has nothing with the 25 year old, he is just making bad jokes about it. She has a bf and he would never nor did he ever go for anyone with bf or husband as he wants to be the only one. If he did have something - he'd hide it as I know her well. I know him that much.

 

I realized that when I talk to people about him, I always present only the absolute worse side of him and only the worse possible interpretation of it. Perhaps it is my way to cope with it.

[sandylee1]

As the main issue is the jokes about the 25 year old, once he stops that you guys can get back on track and continue with business as usual.

[sandylee1]

Or .... as he's doing it for a reaction. Don't show him a reaction. Or show him a different reaction that he'd never expect. Like ..

 

"oh yes she's gorgeous, but you probably couldn't keep up with her"

 

OR Don't forget to take a blue pill before you go and see her."

 

OR "I wouldn't mind joining in for a threesome, let me know when you're going over"

 

OR even "Make sure your emergency contact number number is handy when you go round, just in case you have a heart attack"

 

That should shut him up!!

[NTV]

Thanks x

 

I will post here eventually if and when something happens. I will update on the talk that I now decided to have.

 

I am discussing details of my affair with my 55 year old friend who was in my MMs situation years ago. He left his wife and is living with his now long term girlfriend and is happy. So it is possible for SOME people. Not EVERY affair ends bad. That is why giving prepackaged advice to people here might not be the best thing. I am aware that I am not in one of those rare situations and I am not the one that belongs to that 1% of affairs that turn into real thing. I would not want anything more with him than I already have. I just need it to be respectful while it lasts.

 

Maybe you could ask his exwife if she would rather know or not know?

[Jersey born raised]

Ana

 

Ask yourself why you are with him and why he is with you. I can tell you why he is with you.

 

WHO'S THE MAN! I'M THE MAN! I got a woman sitting at home and two broads fighting for me at the club and I an nailing them all.

 

Really he is the man? Don't think so. I think he sold a woman with a lot to offer the Brooklyn bridge.

 

Keep what I said in mind and I doubt it will be hard to move on.

 

Be well

[Survivor12]

To answer your first question - yes, i can see that I am wasting my time with him. I am just not ready to pull the plug quite yet.

 

I do not love him and I do not like him as a human being on any objective level. Feelings are there for godknowswhat reason, probably attraction and common interests. I actually enjoy spending time with him.

 

He is not hinting that he wants to dump me. That much I know. He is just getting more and more into me. I can feel and see that. But his sense of humour is just not very funny and he can take it too far. That is why I think talking to him openly would perhaps fix that issue. He has nothing with the 25 year old, he is just making bad jokes about it. She has a bf and he would never nor did he ever go for anyone with bf or husband as he wants to be the only one. If he did have something - he'd hide it as I know her well. I know him that much.

 

I realized that when I talk to people about him, I always present only the absolute worse side of him and only the worse possible interpretation of it. Perhaps it is my way to cope with it.

 

Here's your black & white answer: He already knows that his flirting and comments get under your skin or he wouldn't be doing it in front of you so there is no reason for you to tell him.

 

Also, reread what you wrote here...you don't want to be with him or even like him but you are jealous of his interactions with another woman. You're either in denial about how you feel about him or your ego is wounded. It's up to you to decide which it is.

 

Either way, though, he's a married man who enjoys playing games like a teenage boy. What a catch.

[stillafool]

Short story is that I have been involved with a MM for the past 7 month. I am actively trying to find a way out of it, but it is complicated by the fact that I have to see him and will be running into him a lot. And as every other selfish MM out there, he never lets me go, but pursues me till the bitter end.

 

We are in the same club with a girl whom he has been using to make me jealous. He often jokes around just to sting me, and says things like oh she is so pretty and has beautiful hair...oh I will go to her place to have breakfast when her bf is out... she is my favourite woman in the club, etc. He says this then looks at me and starts laughing, as for him it is all a joke. But I sense more. She is a pretty 25 years old, he is 56, I am 38. I see she likes him too because of the way he gets her going, she enjoys that quite a lot when he is teasing and she goes while laughing (oh I just want to wipe that smile off his face)... So they are very friendly with each other. I told him that I think he is using her to get to me and provoke jealousy, and ever since I told him, he has been joking around more than ever because he knows he can tease me with it.

 

Now I am already at a point where I think something is actually happening, and I am feeling really sad. I am ready to quit the club, lose high membership fees that I paid, and cut the only activity that makes me happy and that I have been actively doing all my life (which would make me very depressed).

 

Should I tell him how he makes me feel with that girl and see if things change or should I just play cool and have him think I do not even notice his inconsiderate remarks?

 

TBH, I want to do something to him for a while already, something to make him pay for everything he has done in his life. I could tell his wife if he pushes me too far. I could hint to that 25 years old girl from the club who he really is.

There is a big part of me that hates him, and there is a big part of me that cannot leave because of that messed up connection we have. At least I am not deluding myself and do not believe a word of what he says about how much he cares, and all that.

 

But back to my question about what to do right now, sorry for digression...

 

He might be teasing you about the 25 year old but trust me, he wants her and it seems he will get her. Why do you want to tell his wife about it now? You certainly didn't have a problem cheating with him without her knowledge.

[stillafool]

He has nothing with the 25 year old, he is just making bad jokes about it. She has a bf and he would never nor did he ever go for anyone with bf or husband as he wants to be the only one. If he did have something - he'd hide it as I know her well. I know him that much.

 

 

If you feel this way why are you jealous?

[BenchCoach]

Sounds like you're still hung up on this guy and are only threatening action because he's fooling around with this girl and rubbing your nose in it.

 

Your best bet is to quit that club to get a piece of mind and go complete NC with him. Might want to send an anonymous letter to his wife about his philandering, if your motives are truly genuine... then again, it might also put you in her direct line of fire, if you know what I mean.

Edited August 18, 2016 by BenchCoach

[anika99]

When you started this thread you said you thought something was going on between your MM and the other girl and you were so upset about it you were going to quit your club and you were plotting revenge. Less then 12 hours later you say your MM would never go after the other girl and you know there is nothing happening between them. Lol...which is it?

 

If you know the MM isn't fooling around with another OW then what was the point of this thread? What are you so jealous about?

[Scarlett94]

Please tell his wife. I wish someone had told me so I wouldn't have been made a fool of for two years.

[Ana-Iva]

What to make out of MM who every time we break up, writes something manipulative, like how he thought I cared about him but apparently he was wrong... or signs his texts for the first time ever with "Love". Plays on my sick attachment to my cat to tell me how much he will miss her as well and to tell bye to her... and if all of that isn't enough, a few hours after the text, he sent me also his photo where he is smiling wide (apparently he thinks it is a good photo of him) and he wrote in Italian (he does not speak it and neither do I) "don't forget me".

When I tell him his texts are manipulative and drama filled, meant to get to me, he completely denies. Of course, what narcissist ever admitted to his mistakes or looked himself in the mirror for what he really is?

 

What do you make out of this behaviour, photo especially? He is clearly immature and not very emotionally intelligent like most narcissists, but boy is this drama too much or what... he is in his mid fifties for the love of God, can't he at least learn this from somewhere if he cannot feel and sense it. To me it is so obvious, but not to someone who spent his life living in denial and creating false self-image.

[Patrice]

I would be looking at serial cheating advice, and narcissist behavior. He know how to push your buttons (I suspect you are vulnerable). He is already married, and playing you and keeping you in line. Take your control back ...

[BuddyX]

All you have to do is tell him "I'll forward everything to your wife". Mic drop.

Problem solved. No more drama.

 

Can you do that?

[Ana-Iva]

All you have to do is tell him "I'll forward everything to your wife". Mic drop.

Problem solved. No more drama.

 

Can you do that?

 

Buddy, I debated over it since I've met him.

It might be so that I will forward everything to her anyways.

Tell her that I am a genuine person and that she can talk to me if she wants. Would do this because someone already sent her a letter years ago to tell her about him cheating and he just denied everything. That was enabled because a person who sent the letter was anonymous and she could not contact her. I would leave my contact details, open up a new email specially for that purpose.

[Ana-Iva]

I would be looking at serial cheating advice, and narcissist behavior. He know how to push your buttons (I suspect you are vulnerable). He is already married, and playing you and keeping you in line. Take your control back ...

 

Have you ever been played fully aware of what is going on, and you still went for it? That is me. I always had his number and never believed a word he said. In the beginning I was vulnerable having moved to a new country, broken up engagement and was so alone and friendless. He saw his opportunity and moved in. Only later I found out he was married and he tried to convince me how he already said it to me, or thought he said it. I saw through his BS.

[Lobe]

What to make out of MM who every time we break up, writes something manipulative, like how he thought I cared about him but apparently he was wrong... or signs his texts for the first time ever with "Love". Plays on my sick attachment to my cat to tell me how much he will miss her as well and to tell bye to her... and if all of that isn't enough, a few hours after the text, he sent me also his photo where he is smiling wide (apparently he thinks it is a good photo of him) and he wrote in Italian (he does not speak it and neither do I) "don't forget me".

When I tell him his texts are manipulative and drama filled, meant to get to me, he completely denies. Of course, what narcissist ever admitted to his mistakes or looked himself in the mirror for what he really is?

 

What do you make out of this behaviour, photo especially? He is clearly immature and not very emotionally intelligent like most narcissists, but boy is this drama too much or what... he is in his mid fifties for the love of God, can't he at least learn this from somewhere if he cannot feel and sense it. To me it is so obvious, but not to someone who spent his life living in denial and creating false self-image.

 

If this man disgusts you so much why are you so obsessed with him? You do seem to love the drama every bit as much as him. Has the thought ever crossed your mind that maybe you are a narcissist as well who feels entitled to fight a 25-year old for a married man without any regard for his BW? This guys sounds like a pig but if you are both digging it, what do you want to understand better?

[Hummingbird17]

How noble that you are willing to tell his wife and are so concerned with her feelings, but only when he is talking to someone else.

 

If he was just messing with you, you wouldn't even be thinking about telling her.

 

If you are so disgusted by his behavior, what do you think of your own? He took advantage of you. What if he said you manipulated and came on to him?

 

The point of the matter is you both chose to cheat. You were fine with it as long as it was only with you. If you don't want to be with him, then stop making excuses about the club or this or that, and stop talking to him.

 

You keep talking about his age and immaturity. I don't know how old you are but worrying what the meaning behind the pic meant or anything else when you say you don't want to be with him, isn't very mature either.

[whichwayisup]

You need to also apologize to her about YOUR part in the affair, for helping him betray her. You knew going in he was married so you're not a victim in this.

 

Also, NOTHING is stopping you from changing your number or blocking him, changing your email/blocking him on all social media too. Make it impossible for him to contact you. If you don't, well, then you're allowing him to suck you back in and to stay in your head, mess with you etc.