Traveling Nurse Dreams broke us or was it something else? Do we still have a chance?

[Tomzxz]

My Turkish girlfriend and I of eight months just broke up.When we met, she was finishing nursing school, with a dream of someday becoming a traveling nurse. We were lukewarm to eachother at first, decided not to see each other and go our separate ways. Fast forward four months and we friend each other on FB. We chat a bit, it sounds like her plans are in flux so we agree to be friends. Friendship quickly turns to romance. She is two years out of an 8 year sexless marriage to a wealthy man. Our chemistry is amazing, the best either of us ever had. Our communication, friendship and respect for each other grows deeper and she makes time in her very busy work/school schedule to see me. Dating a nurse is difficult but was not impossible. Partnering with a traveling nurse is difficult but not impossible so we proceed. A current theme of the relationship was that we could put our heads together and get through anything. Four weeks ago, she found a job in a local hospital. Direct hire to ICU and she starts at the end of August! Her dream position straight out of school! Two weeks later she finds out that her roommate is selling the house she’s been sharing and she will be homeless in November. The panic sets in.

 

 

She is proving to herself and to naysayers in her extended family that for the first time in her life she can be independent. She wants to buy ahouse despite the professional advice to wait out the market and the fact that she doesn’t have the money for a down payment. She can’t rent because of dogbreed restrictions. We go back and forth on her living with me but she feels that she would only be using me because she would be moving out in six months when she can find her own place. I kind of think she liked the idea of testing the waters living with me but was too afraid.

 

 

The stress rises, the months of incongruent communication and the push pull tension and no compromise come to a head and I ask the question. “Do you see a future for us?” she says no. I tell her I have to protect my heart and I can’t do this anymore. The break up is emotional and polite. Realizing that neither of us want things to end but knowing that they can’t continue is the best thing for both of us. She said I was brave but I feel like I made a mistake now. We check on each other a few time through texts and phone calls mixed with emotions, fears and humor.

 

 

It’s at this point that I see a much deeper empathetic side to her that I didn’t before. I break out of my own ridged thinking and offer ideas that could allow us to build a relationship while she peruses her dreams and independence but her mind is made up. We talk about her past relationship fears yet her need for a “traditional” relationship – recurring conflicting topics. She says that her career goal and desire to visit Turkey once a year isn’t compatible with anyone. She says that ANY relationship is the last thing she is thinking about and she needs to concentrate on her career even if she finds out she might not like traveling nursing. Fair enough. Fearing that a relationship will end her dreams and not wanting her to resent a relationship, we agree that her happiness is in her career and we each say I love you and hang up the phone. Hearing her say “I love you” was rare during the relationship so I was a bit shocked. LOL

 

 

I’ve been asking friends for advice and each person so far says that there is a very good chance that she will reach out to me again after she has time to think. Our current status is single, we haven’t blocked eachother. Her 38th birthday is coming up next week and I think I should tell her happy birthday. I want to keep the lines of communication open but give her space at the same time. Sigh… What do I do? Did I make a mistake telling her I need to protect my heart? Was her conflicting push pull just her verbalizing her thought process or was it something else?

 

 

What might have started out as lust rapidly matured into something else because we got in each other’s heads pretty deep (Her going so far as saying it was the deepest she has ever had). She said the last three months felt like she was coming home when she visited my place, and I sort of think it scared her off. There isn’t anyone I think we would rather have by our side in this crazy life than eachother. I don’t know if I could enjoy reality with any other person as much as I enjoy it with her. Her contract at the hospital is two years and she's fearful of screwing up in the position, the housing market is horrible. I think the love is mutual. Do you think with a little space she will come around again? Thanks for reading my story, what are your thoughts?

Edited August 17, 2016 by Tomzxz

[MrWhite]

Being a traveling nurse and buying a house is a mini-paradox.

Traveling nurses normally spend six months somewhere before relocating or returning "home" again.

She is re-starting her life after a previous marriage.

She is working on figuring out want she wants.

I would guess she still wants her freedom for awhile before recommitting to a serious relationship.

I suggest putting no pressure on her at let her figure out want she wants.

 

 

"Do you think with a little space she will come around again?"

Yes.

[Tomzxz]

Thank you MrWhite. Her thought process does seem to be all over the place.

I feel bad I cant be there for her but I guess I messed that up. Do you think her awareness of her self-indulgence lifestyle could also be a contributing factor to our break?

[MrWhite]

"Do you think her awareness of her self-indulgence lifestyle could also be a contributing factor to our break?"

 

Self-indulgence could that she is working towards being fully independent and doing what she wants without influence from anyone else. After a marriage ends it is best to do self improvement and stand on your own. She might just need to get to a place where she wants to recommit to someone.

 

I suggest just taking it easy and being someone she can have fun with and not adding any pressure to choose or change. Be someone she can go out and do things with that she was never able to do before.

 

I think you might be asking her to make a choice when she is not ready.

[Tomzxz]

MrWhite,

 

 

Thank you for sharing your perspective. There have been some happy developments in the past few days that Id like to share. After what seemed like a total break on Saturday night, she went back home where her roommate and friend may have wielded some influence in continuing the relationship. The friends advice was that if she is having so much fun she should let things be. Her offer on a house was accepted and an independent life seems to be taking direction. We talked about engulfment boundaries and were excited about being in each other's lives again. The big news is shes no longer guarded with telling me she loves me. I still don't know if there is a long term future - this is still nice though.

Edited August 23, 2016 by Tomzxz

[MrWhite]

Great news. I just suggest going slow with no pressure and having fun.

[Tomzxz]

My girlfriend of one year graduated RN School, landed a local job in ICU and moved in with me temporarily (her idea). My house is a very short distance from her job at the hospital and her roommate is moving away so it’s been really convenient for her. Despite what feels like a the paradox to her dream of becoming a traveling nurse, she has been shopping around for her own place insisting that she needs to live on her own for the first time in her life (39 years old). The reason for her trepidation to committing to a long term relationship is now obvious.

 

 

As she said, I have a job not a career. If I lose the job, it will be hard to find another and she says she will NOT take care of anyone. I don't think I express a complaint or grumble about work too much - it's an average job I don't like very much but it's stable, pays enough to be house poor (beats renting in my area) but has health insurance. I've been looking for a better job for a few years - it's brutal right now. I appreciate that she is pushing me to go back to school or to bring out the best in me. I have a mortgage, and a full time job that doesn't offer flexibility so I'm not sure how to go to a trade school full time without quitting my job, selling my house and moving in with family.

 

 

There's a relationship problem here and it's not just job or money problems. The economy is causing a lot of relationship problems and were not alone. It sounds like she is feeling closed in, held down, insecure and without options. It might make her feel less anxious if she realizes that she can take care of her own needs and not rely on me or anyone else as she has done in the past. It’s as if despite her great nursing pay, she is basing her relationship decision on someone else supporting her.

 

 

Changing my life at 38 is scary but I know it must be done. She's helping me think of options and she really doesn't know what else to do. A career in the fields that interest me would be stable but won’t pay much more than I make now and she knows it (Auto mechanic or firefighter/EMT). She says pay isn't as important to her as stability and I even think she has the idea that I should be able to travel with her on her three month assignments when she starts traveling. I've gotten this far with a BA but it's not enough and know it feels like a long shot to risk it all. I want the change too, I'm not sure how to balance the risk with current responsibility.

 

 

Until now, I thought I was doing pretty good for myself (I'm in the 51% median income bracket). She paid for her half of the utilities this month but it's starting to feel slightly belittling not living up to someone else's expectations while I gave her a hand with a place to stay. I think at this point it probably is a good idea if she buys a house even though we get along fine under one roof. I love her very much and I've expressed to her my fear that we will drift apart when she does buy, it feels like a move backwards for the relationship but that we cant move forward until I land a career. Is this just about her wanting me to have ambition and a passion for a career or am I missing something else?

 

 

Thanks

Edited September 26, 2016 by Tomzxz

[Thatoneguy55]

You could have the good career and she could still think of another reason. If she's into you, and you arent a bum, then this wouldnt be an issue. She is most likely comparing you to someone else she is attracted to or possibly talking to.

 

I'm fairly high up the income bracket for a single person in a wealthy county in a wealthy state in the US, and I deal with the same things you do. If a woman is on the fence, they will find something to justify changing the relationship from 100% committed to something less than 100%. This is usually due to a "better" suitor entering the picture.

 

Ive done the same thing to a woman before.