Divorce or stick it out for our kids....

[Thatcrazychick86]

Hello everyone, I'm new to this but have been trying to gain a better understanding of my marriage situation. To gather facts and weigh various options, if you will, so thank you for tuning in and lending kind opinions and your personal journeys related to my own.

 

Brief background story: happily dated for a year before having a now 7yr old son. Relationship suffered deeply on an emotional level with horrible communication and short fused tempers. I focused on our son and just being a mother which helped the relationship to get back towards a happlet and healthier path. (Picked my battles and bit my tongue a lot) We married when son was 2 and had our daughter 10 months later. Problems began again when I went back to finish my college degree instead of going back to work (waiting tables) after maternity leave. Husband was very unsupportive and verbally abusive. (He told our son on multiple occasions that mommy would find a new man after graduation) But for the sake of the kids, I held my head high and landed a part-time job in my field of study before graduation!

 

So here's my current situation after 4 yrs of marriage: I'm still employed as part-time and have not found a full time position that will pay enough to justify my whole check going to day care. (Husband and I work different shifts to avoid sitter costs) I've also babbled in direct sales to help bring in more income, but nothing I do satisfies the hubs. He's mad that I don't work more than 3 days a week but then acts like it's a complete inconvenience when I am scheduled to work. Financial instability causes a lot of negativity from him. But yet I'm the one who has to make the monthly budget and manage the bills, house cleaning, the kids and their various activities. All he seems to do is work 30-35hr/wk and run off fishing or whatever when he's off. I have been fighting to make family time happen so the kids can at least establish a healthy family bond. I've been noticing the kids never cuddle with or ask him to play with them anymore. Whenever I tactfully approach him about these issues, or any others, I'm confronted with a quick temper and a finger pointed back at me. I've always told him to tell me when I do something he doesn't like, to solve the problem, so naturally he never really hears my concerns because if his defensI've mode.

 

I feel a complete loss. LOSS of a marriage, my inner happiness, hope for a solid happy family. Everyday I fake it just so my kids will have a happy day. But inside I'm dying. Husband and I have grown apart, different outlooks to life, conflicting parenting styles... I'm starting to feel that I need to stop putting myself last. That if I can't find true happiness for myself, how can I teach this to my wonderfully kind hearted children?

 

As I write this, the right decision seems so clear to me. But then I get so caught up in the anxiety of how to best make it happen and I guess ultimately fear breaking out of the comfort zone to actually let go of my husband. Also how to do this without seeming like a B because he does have a great work ethics and some strong characteristics I hope our kids will one day have.

 

Any thoughts? (I hope this makes sense because my mind doesn't make any sense these days)

[Mr. Lucky]

Boy, do you seem like candidates for marriage counseling. Having each staked out your positions - I'm right, he/she's wrong - there's very little actual communication going on.

 

Lots at stake so worth a try...

 

Mr. Lucky

[zuzuspetals]

Wow. I can see why you are in turmoil. You’re not alone. Statistics show that one of the main struggles and/or the demise of most marriages is over money. Professional counselors are very well-versed in how to deal effectively with that one, as well as the other issues in play here. This sounds like a mirror image of my early marriage. Do you think he’s threatened by your pending college degree? That statement – “Mommy will find another husband after graduation..” suggests so? Have you ever reassured him that you are committed to your marriage, regardless of education accomplishments or anything else? These problems are not insurmountable. We married folks go through them. Don’t give up. You’re kids need an intact family with both their dad and their mom. I don’t know if you believe in God, but do you think He’s trying to tell you something….by the way you feel? I’m sure it’s not leaving your husband (who has some stuff to work on), but it may be a call to, at least temporarily provide some family leadership. Cooperate prayer is hard to initiate the first time, but there’s a silly, overused phrase that carries way more wisdom than it’s often accredited: “The family that prays together… “ , you know the rest. Nothing has been more effective than bringing my wife and I together on the stuff that’s important than voicing our struggles and our desires to the one who not only made us to begin with, but who experienced the same pain, frustration and trials that we do, to the point of being put to death. The truth is, the dad is the one who’s ultimately supposed to take the lead on leadership stuff like prayer, but you may have to if you want to get the ducks in a row. Do you pray alone? Do you pray with your kids? If so, do you think you could bring your husband in to that mix in a casual, non-threatening way? A good Christian counselor can help you overcome the things you describe. I’ve seen in many times resulting in strong, happy marriages. Scripture states that God knows what we need before we ask for it, and that His desire is that we come to Him for help. When I did, and began to include my wife, it changed everything. Everything is different now. Blessings!

[The_Onceler]

Boy, do you seem like candidates for marriage counseling. Having each staked out your positions - I'm right, he/she's wrong - there's very little actual communication going on.

 

Lots at stake so worth a try...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

^^^ This ^^^

 

It does not sound as if anything has happened that can not be undone, or gotten past. It may be that MC will not save your marriage, but it certainly could, so isn't it worth a try?

 

On the other hand, if you won't or can't do counseling, you will want to end things. Otherwise, what example are you setting for your kids regarding their expectations for their own future relationships? This was the hardest part for me to accept...

[Thatcrazychick86]

Thank you all, wasn't expecting a fast response! I had MC set up awhile back but husband backed out. I definitely tried reassuring him that I wanted him, fought for him to see that. Getting my degree did hurt his ego and I encouraged him to find and follow his dream but he is a creature of habit with a closed mind set who finds it difficult to step out of his comfort zone. That leads me to praying, I pray for others mostly but lately have been praying for self clarity. Husband has never been one to have faith, to trust the Lord,and even has trouble finding the positive in various situations. I think this has caused a ton a problems as well because I'm usually worry-free and have faith that all will find a way to work out for the best.

 

I am super worried about what this marriage will teach our kids. I don't want my son to belittle womend like his father does to me. I don't want my daughter to have a skewed view of what true love really should be.

 

Thanks and keep the responses coming

[standtall]

Sorry to hear about your situation crazychick. Like some of the other posters have said, MC is a must. This will help with resolving his communication and jealousy/insecurity issues. Also, it is very inappropriate for your husband to be making those comments to your elementary aged children. That is a serious issue. He is using them to manipulate you, and that in term is extremely damaging to their sense of security and stability. That issue must be resolved quickly.

[Thatcrazychick86]

I am more lost than ever before! I've been fighting to reignite the special intimacy for over a year. Actually sitting down and discussing separation is an extremely bold move. Now that I have his attention to our situation, he says he understands the way I've come to feel and will respect whatever my wishes are. I've felt that if we could just take a step back to focus on bettering ourselves individually we could bebetter role models for our kids.

 

But I'm so torn (understatement) because I feel like we've been at this point multiple times in the past (never to the point where I wanted out until now) and it's a Neverending cycle. I want to break this cycle one way or another. The negative constant has been the way he talks to me, shoots down my everyday comments and ideas, expresses how stupid and "corny" I am with the things I like doing, and how he never really hears me about my feelings until I do something rash and bold.

 

I am venting mostly so thank you if you are reading this. More than anything, I want to keep us together but because of his actions ive lost myself and my inner happiness. Am I wrong by thinking of separation to regain my happy perspective. And how do I deal with this extreme anxiety I get when thinking of a future as Co-parents and not lovers. I truly feel like we are great friends and things between us are great in a friendship mode, but things I guess get lost in translation so to speak when in husband/wife mode. I want a stronger connection than we have ever been able to give to one another and I'm not sure that's possible in our marriage.

 

Sidenote: the other night when he actually understood I want a break, he told his friends the he'd be sleeping in the car that night after he got off work and how he hadn't been gone in 2 days. That blew my mind because he had been home, slept on the couch, and I don't want him sleeping in a car somewhere! Is this part of his manipulative behavior that I've been so blind to in the past? Back in January, he stormed out of the house with his pistol on his hip saying it was all his fault things were a mess between us and that he would"take care of the problem" as he patted the holster, I didn't hear from him for an hour! honestly this is when I completely fell apart. I can't understand how someone can act like that, for attention maybe? I don't get it at all and I lost a ton of respect for him for doing that. I think this part of his behavior is what has me so torn, scared of what other calls for attention he will make in the future.

[Thatcrazychick86]

I am more lost than ever before! I've been fighting to reignite the special intimacy for over a year. Actually sitting down and discussing separation is an extremely bold move. Now that I have his attention to our situation, he says he understands the way I've come to feel and will respect whatever my wishes are. I've felt that if we could just take a step back to focus on bettering ourselves individually we could bebetter role models for our kids.

 

But I'm so torn (understatement) because I feel like we've been at this point multiple times in the past (never to the point where I wanted out until now) and it's a Neverending cycle. I want to break this cycle one way or another. The negative constant has been the way he talks to me, shoots down my everyday comments and ideas, expresses how stupid and "corny" I am with the things I like doing, and how he never really hears me about my feelings until I do something rash and bold.

 

I am venting mostly so thank you if you are reading this. More than anything, I want to keep us together but because of his actions ive lost myself and my inner happiness. Am I wrong by thinking of separation to regain my happy perspective. And how do I deal with this extreme anxiety I get when thinking of a future as Co-parents and not lovers. I truly feel like we are great friends and things between us are great in a friendship mode, but things I guess get lost in translation so to speak when in husband/wife mode. I want a stronger connection than we have ever been able to give to one another and I'm not sure that's possible in our marriage.

 

Sidenote: the other night when he actually understood I want a break, he told his friends the he'd be sleeping in the car that night after he got off work and how he hadn't been gone in 2 days. That blew my mind because he had been home, slept on the couch, and I don't want him sleeping in a car somewhere! Is this part of his manipulative behavior that I've been so blind to in the past? Back in January, he stormed out of the house with his pistol on his hip saying it was all his fault things were a mess between us and that he would"take care of the problem" as he patted the holster, I didn't hear from him for an hour! honestly this is when I completely fell apart. I can't understand how someone can act like that, for attention maybe? I don't get it at all and I lost a ton of respect for him for doing that. I think this part of his behavior is what has me so torn, scared of what other calls for attention he will make in the future.

[PegNosePete]

I had MC set up awhile back but husband backed out.

Why did he back out?

 

I would tell him that you want to save the marriage and you would like to try MC. If he says no then ask him what he thinks will save the marriage. If he just shrugs or whatever then suggest MC again. If he again refuses, tell him that you continuing in the marriage is contingent on him attending MC and if he refuses you will seek a divorce.

 

he stormed out of the house with his pistol on his hip saying it was all his fault things were a mess between us and that he would"take care of the problem" as he patted the holster

Is he a cop? If not, I would've immediately called the cops when he did that. Actually even if he is a cop I would've called the cops anyway if he did that. That's pretty unstable, dangerous behaviour.