Logistics of Shared Custody

[The_Onceler]

I apologize if this is in the wrong forum:

 

My STBX and I are struggling with how to manage the 50/50 custody arrangement. I can see merit in various options, but it is hard to guess at which might work best for the kids.

 

A simple approach to 50/50 would be to alternate weeks. My STBX feels that this would have the kids away from the 'other' parent for too long. One possible twist would be a mid-week visit.

 

We then looked at alternating weekends, and somehow dividing the weekdays. She seems to like the idea where I always have the kids Thu and Fri (into Sat AM), while she always has them Mon and Tue. We alternate Wednesdays. I don't like the idea of ALWAYS having the kids on Thu and Fri. What if I eventually want to have a social life?

 

But once we get beyond that, it seems like the logistics get too convoluted, and I imagine that the more complex our schedule becomes, the worse it will be for all involved, especially the kids.

 

My girls are young, ages 6 and 8.

 

Anyone have some experience or wisdom to share? Thanks!

[central]

Alternating weeks is probably easiest and fairest for the kids AND the parents, with perhaps a mid-week visit for a couple of hours or so. I'd suggest switching every Sunday around supper-time (or every Friday if that somehow works better). Midweek switches tend to interfere with school. And you are right that always having the kids Thu and Fri (into Sat AM) is unreasonable for you and your future options.

[Clep]

I would go with a weekly schedule. The kids can skype the parent they are not with and still be able to communicate with them.

[Michelle ma Belle]

My ex and I settled on rotation that was 2 days on/2 days off/every other weekend.

 

For example; This week I have my kids Monday and Tuesday night, they go see their dad Wednesday and Thursday night and then I have them for the whole weekend Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

 

When Monday starts over again the following week, it switches up nicely where the kids now spend Monday and Tuesday night with their dad and on and on it goes. This gives aach of us an entire Friday-Sunday weekend off every other weekend.

 

We've been doing this for the past 7 years and it's been wonderful for both of us as parents and also for our children (although teenagers now).

 

I don't think I could go more than a couple of days without seeing my children and same with my ex husband. This gives kind of gives us the best of both worlds, seeing our children as much as possible while still having a life apart from them for dating / relationships or whatever else we want to do.

[The_Onceler]

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts - I truly appreciate them.

 

I had originally proposed that we alternate weekends and alternate chunks of the week, much like what Michelle ma Belle described. My only concern with that was that it might create too much churn for the kids. I am glad to hear that it worked so well for you.

 

My STBX and I will be living about 5 minutes apart, at least for the time being. We could easily make allowances for a mid-week visit, if we opted for alternating weeks.

 

I do feel similar to MmB in that I wouldn't want to go so long without seeing my girls. I only suggested that we alternate weekly because (1) is was easy and obvious, which might work well for the kids, and (2) it was a clear 50/50 split. In some of the spreadsheets that my STBX has sent to me, she has included detail to the point where she determined that certain scenarios were 47/53 splits!

 

She seems adamant on two points, and it is hard to distinguish between (1) acting according to what is reasonable and rational, and (2) simply resisting her, because I feel like she is trying to run the show.

 

Her two points are:

(1) Weekends start in the AM on Saturday. She wants at least one weekend day where she can sleep in (or sleep around!).

(2) Since she anticipates having to work fairly often on Thu and Fri evenings, then I should ALWAYS have the girls on those nights.

[BlueIris]

I'm in favor of one week on/one week off. My kids were 6 and 10 when we divorced and they HATED the switches, bouncing back and forth. They're 25 and 29 now and that's what they say was the bad part of divorce, bouncing, packing making sure they had everything, and they only had every other weekend at their dad's (his choice). I'd minimize the number of transfers so that they can focus on their school and extracurriculars rather than packing and moving a lot. Minimize stress on them.

[kailah]

There is also the every 2 week schedule, but that is a long time to go. My neighbor and his ex use the 3-4-4-3 schedule and his kids are very happy with it (3, 6, 8). If they have what they need at both homes, they don't need to be packing constantly. All they switch is bikes and car seats.

 

The 3-4-4-3 schedule has your child spend 3 days with one parent, 4 days with the other parent, 4 days with the first parent and then 3 days with the other parent.

 

The 2-2-5-5 schedule has your child spend 2 days with each parent and then 5 days with each parent.

 

The 2-2-3 schedule has your child spend 2 days with one parent, 2 days with the other parent and 3 days with the first parent. Then the next week it switches.

 

The alternating every 2 days schedule has the child switching between the parents every 2 days.

[The_Onceler]

I'm in favor of one week on/one week off. My kids were 6 and 10 when we divorced and they HATED the switches, bouncing back and forth. They're 25 and 29 now and that's what they say was the bad part of divorce, bouncing, packing making sure they had everything, and they only had every other weekend at their dad's (his choice). I'd minimize the number of transfers so that they can focus on their school and extracurriculars rather than packing and moving a lot. Minimize stress on them.

 

This was PRECISELY what I was thinking. Of course, I don't *know* how the kids will react, and I presume that we will change our plan if they react badly, but we need to start somewhere.

 

From my perspective, the competing considerations are:

 

(1) Will too much back-and-forth be difficult for the kids

(2) Will too long away from either parent be difficult for the kids.

 

Add to that the fact that I perceive that my STBX has an agenda to press, and that her agenda has more to do with HER needs than it does with the needs of our girls. Of course, that is just my perception, so it may not be true...

[The_Onceler]

There is also the every 2 week schedule, but that is a long time to go. My neighbor and his ex use the 3-4-4-3 schedule and his kids are very happy with it (3, 6, 8). If they have what they need at both homes, they don't need to be packing constantly. All they switch is bikes and car seats.

 

The 3-4-4-3 schedule has your child spend 3 days with one parent, 4 days with the other parent, 4 days with the first parent and then 3 days with the other parent.

 

The 2-2-5-5 schedule has your child spend 2 days with each parent and then 5 days with each parent.

 

The 2-2-3 schedule has your child spend 2 days with one parent, 2 days with the other parent and 3 days with the first parent. Then the next week it switches.

 

The alternating every 2 days schedule has the child switching between the parents every 2 days.

 

Thanks for the links!

 

We had been using the base assumption that each of us would get a full weekend as a block, but perhaps that is not the best way? For me, I like the idea, because I anticipate *doing* stuff with the kids, but perhaps in reality we won't have such frequent need for a full weekend. Perhaps it would be better for all if each weekend were shared?

 

Oy. What to do, what to do...

[BlueIris]

This was PRECISELY what I was thinking. Of course, I don't *know* how the kids will react, and I presume that we will change our plan if they react badly, but we need to start somewhere.

 

From my perspective, the competing considerations are:

 

(1) Will too much back-and-forth be difficult for the kids

(2) Will too long away from either parent be difficult for the kids.

 

Add to that the fact that I perceive that my STBX has an agenda to press, and that her agenda has more to do with HER needs than it does with the needs of our girls. Of course, that is just my perception, so it may not be true...

 

That happens sometimes.

 

Another problem to the frequent-switch schedule is that deviations from schedule arise more often so interaction and the possibilities for conflict arise more often, all of which are disruptive for the kids. Also, it keeps the parents more enmeshed and that can be a deterrent to developing an independent life. (Just thought I'd give you more reasoning in support of your position- )

[The_Onceler]

Ugh! It's so frustrating!! This has turned into a big debate. She insists that "weekends" be defined as starting Saturday morning and ending Monday morning before school. And she wants me to have the kids every Thu and Fri night. Always.

 

No cause for worry, tho: she said she will be willing to work with me - for instance, if I want to go out on a Friday night, I can just ask her to switch with me.

 

Great. I can ask her permission to have a social life.

 

I thought we were splitting??

[The_Onceler]

Here's a related question: how do you actually do the exchange between parents?

 

My STBX and I are able to be civil to one another, but under the circumstances, I really want to have as little contact with her as possible, at least for the time being. How does the notion of NC bear upon the exchanges? I suggested to her the general scenario where I would drive the kids to her place, pile them out of the car, and bring them to her door. Once she had them at the door, I would hug the kids, turn, and be on my way. I would expect similar when she was dropping with me.

 

Does that seem to traumatic for the kids? She balked at that, and in reply said that she had no intention of doing things that way, because of what it would express to the children. Her counter was that, if I insisted on such a course of action, then we would instead have to exchange at some third location, like school or day care or the library or some such.

 

Would that be any better? Was my idea of drop-off so terrible?

[BlueIris]

We picked up instead of dropping off because it was easier to hang out at home if there was a wait. Sitting in a car waiting can be annoying.

 

Don’t think you have to get it exactly right from the beginning. Set a schedule, do it for a few months and then work out kinks as they become apparent. You could agree to do a 3-month trial for one schedule and then agree to adjust at the 3-month mark, setting a date to evaluate and adjust.

 

Nothing is "terrible."

There's a really helpful website for defusing conflict and the sort-of-battle-posture that can drain everybody in a divorce. I really like the advice on here:

Free Articles - High Conflict Institute

[The_Onceler]

We picked up instead of dropping off because it was easier to hang out at home if there was a wait. Sitting in a car waiting can be annoying.

 

Don’t think you have to get it exactly right from the beginning. Set a schedule, do it for a few months and then work out kinks as they become apparent. You could agree to do a 3-month trial for one schedule and then agree to adjust at the 3-month mark, setting a date to evaluate and adjust.

 

Nothing is "terrible."

There's a really helpful website for defusing conflict and the sort-of-battle-posture that can drain everybody in a divorce. I really like the advice on here:

Free Articles - High Conflict Institute

 

 

Thanks!

 

I think this may be the way that we proceed. She finally suggested a 2-2-3 schedule: Mon/Tue, Wed/Thu, Fri/Sat/Sun - then switch.

 

She wants the "weekend" to start Friday evening and end Monday morning, meaning that whoever has the kids for the weekend will pick them up from after school care on Friday, and ten put them on the bus Monday morning. I am a bit concerned that putting them on the bus Monday morning won't go well, but I am willing to try. We need to do something, right?

 

Anyway, if we do this, then is turns out that all of our exchanges are via school. We are not at odds at the moment, and we have no particular reason to be concerned about the exchange process, but she has been saying things that sound as if she still expects for the two of us to have lots of interactions, even beyond the requirements of co-parenting. I want to do the NC thing, so I have been pushing back.

 

One of her comments made it sound as if she expected for us to spend time together, socializing as a family, at these exchanges. As if the kids would need or benefit from that. I am not sure that they would, but I know that I do not want to do that. She is my ex. She blew up our family, she left me stuck with a brand new, enormous mortgage that I can't afford now that I am paying child support, and she started an affair with an old boyfriend.

 

I just want to be away from her now.

[BlueIris]

Thanks!

 

I think this may be the way that we proceed. She finally suggested a 2-2-3 schedule: Mon/Tue, Wed/Thu, Fri/Sat/Sun - then switch.

 

She wants the "weekend" to start Friday evening and end Monday morning, meaning that whoever has the kids for the weekend will pick them up from after school care on Friday, and ten put them on the bus Monday morning. I am a bit concerned that putting them on the bus Monday morning won't go well, but I am willing to try. We need to do something, right?

 

Anyway, if we do this, then is turns out that all of our exchanges are via school. We are not at odds at the moment, and we have no particular reason to be concerned about the exchange process, but she has been saying things that sound as if she still expects for the two of us to have lots of interactions, even beyond the requirements of co-parenting. I want to do the NC thing, so I have been pushing back.

 

One of her comments made it sound as if she expected for us to spend time together, socializing as a family, at these exchanges. As if the kids would need or benefit from that. I am not sure that they would, but I know that I do not want to do that. She is my ex. She blew up our family, she left me stuck with a brand new, enormous mortgage that I can't afford now that I am paying child support, and she started an affair with an old boyfriend.

 

I just want to be away from her now.

 

The Friday school-Monday school plan sounds good but these things are personal and depend a heck of a lot on your work schedule. My kids would have had to be in latchkey Friday afternoon on that plan- which is fine.

 

You know, if you two are talking and it bothers you, you might want to switch to email. You could say that you want to work it out through email so you have time to digest things before you respond.

 

There's this new thing in co-parenting where people who are controlling will demand that you talk claiming that that's the superior way to be, more cooperative, the way good co-parents are-- but it's BS. It's often just about control and competition: "I'm the more cooperative person! Look at me being so interactive and pleasant!" There's a passive-aggression to it and those folks often refuse to email because they WANT to keep the verbal connection going so they can play their passive-aggression games. In email, you can respond, "Thanks. I'll get back to you about that tonight." Reasonable people are OK with that but the passive-aggressive controller types wig out about that because they aren't controlling the interaction. I don't know if that's an issue between you two, but it's so common these days.

 

Go email if interacting on the phone or text is upsetting to you. There were times I'd talk with my exH and just want to spit or scream. He went through similar phases. Switching to email was good for us.

[TunaCat]

Just so you know, you will not be able to do NC since you have a child together. You can do limited contact, where the ONLY thing you talk about is the child and if either of you start to talk about things other than the child, then the other person has the right to end the conversation immediately.

 

Your STBX is right, you'll still be seeing her quite a bit. School events will be the biggies. That's when my mom has to see her ex husband the most. Your ex is wrong about socializing at these events as a family. Yes, you'll probably talk briefly at these events, but socializing as a family? Nope, don't have to do that.

 

Why my mom left my stepdad, they still had a elementary school age kid at home (he had just turned 10) After the initial separation, my stepdad always picked up my brother from school on Fridays, but to the aggravation of my mom, he brought my brother back to my mom's house on Sunday instead of driving him to school Monday morning. He's a selfish guy and that would have caused his very rigid schedule to get shaken up.

 

When the split first happened, my mother would take my brother over to her ex's house. She would walk up to the door with him and when his dad answered, she would hug my brother and tell him to have a fun weekend. From what I remember (this was 5 1/2 years ago) my brother's dad did something similar. I don't think he ALWAYS walked my brother up to the door, but sometimes.

[The_Onceler]

Just so you know, you will not be able to do NC since you have a child together. You can do limited contact, where the ONLY thing you talk about is the child and if either of you start to talk about things other than the child, then the other person has the right to end the conversation immediately.

 

It's a fair point.

 

My situation is this: she announced that she wanted to split almost 3 months ago. A week or so later, I discovered her online affair with an ex-boyfriend (complete with sexting and explicit photos). I wanted her out immediately. However, she has been a SAHM who worked part time for the last few years, so she did not have means to support herself, and was not in a position to sign a lease, having no full time job.

 

She basically insisted that we maintain the status quo while she found a job, and then found an apartment. So, I am forced to live under the same roof with her, while she continues some sort of relationship with the OM. I have done my best to institute NC under those circumstances.

 

That, coupled with my perception that she is generally controlling, leaves me anxious to be free of her. It is likely that, once we are separated, I will feel differently. In any event, I think that I will be best served by having as little contact as possible with her.

 

On the other hand, as we navigate our split, she keeps suggesting ideas that seem to keep us entwined. While debating the custody question, she kept going on about how we would still see each other, we should still plan 'family' time (it would help the kids adjust, she insisted), I could plan to rely on her to swap my Thu or Fri nights if I ever wanted to go our or somethings (all I would need to do is ask!).

 

As we divide our recently purchases furniture, she suggested a scheme where I open a line of credit in my name, but that she would use to purchase her own new furniture. She would then make the payments against my credit debt.

 

And the ever present, "Don't hate me", and "I hope we can be friends" and "maybe we will find our way back to each other"

 

Perhaps these are ways to make herself feel less upset as we split, but I come away feeling that she intends to keep me under her thumb as much as she can, and I don't want ANY of that.

[EdibleWoman]

Please tell me you are not going to open a line of credit for her to draw from? As for her desire to maintain a quasi family status with you, I've been through that one before with my ex and my sincere belief is that her desire for continued public displays of togetherness is a form of cake eating. It is born out of her wanting to maintain appearances within the community and among her kids that she is an all around good person and good mother instead of a cheater who is leaving her kids. Her version of events and her rewrite of history would be upheld by maintaining the appearance of one big happy type of family who all decided to separate amicably through no fault of anyone in particular. Hold your ground on limited contact for now and for goodness sake don't open the credit line.

 

I am not saying that the kids should be subjected to conflict, but I don't think it's doing them any favors to maintain a farce for them either. And if she's telling the kids that maybe one day the two of you will come back together again, as she's telling you, she is seriously damaging your kids and setting you up to be the bad guy when that one day never happens. She's very manipulative, she's trying to keep all of her options open at the expense of her kids, and my advice to you is keep your guard up.

[grays]

I feel compelled to post bc your situation feels so much like mine, tho I'm not sure I have a lot to add.

 

As for the schedule, I gotta warn you that I don't think there's any good way to do it. For me, it feels like more frequent exchanges are better. When we did a 5-2-2-5 schedule I just felt like I was always giving them back right when I was getting use to having them or I was getting them right when I was getting into a rhythm of being on my own. I just always feel out of tune. It doesn't seem as jarring now that we've been doing 4-3-3-4, but it's not comfortable and I can't see any way to improve it. I imagine the kids are feeling just as discombobulated as I do. I feel sick about making them do this.

 

We have done most of our trade offs by dropping or picking them up at school, which was great, especially at first when I really couldn't stand the sight of him. There are times that it has to be done parent-to-parent, tho. When he picks up or drops off at my place, he texts from the main entrance of my large apartment building. I told him I don't want him stepping inside the door. He's not part of my new life. When I drop off at his place I get out of the car and give the kids a hug in the driveway and he usually doesn't come out.

 

Your ex sounds terrible and I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. My ex left me for a woman he worked with and who I knew for years. I was devastated and thought my life was over. Being single is not perfect, but most days I actually feel honestly grateful to not be with him. I'm sure you'll feel that way soon.

[noelle303]

Don't force yourself to do anything you're uncomfortable with.

 

Ideally, a close co-parenting relationship is good for the kids. I know that some co-parents have dinner together, joint vacations, celebrate kids' birthdays together and generally hang out with each other and their new partners.

 

But, for something like that to develop, both people have to be willing and usually some tome has to pass.

 

You guys have just had a nasty split and you are allowed to feel some animosity towards her and not want to have her in your life more than necessary. Don't let her guilt you into doing things you don't want to do.

 

NC is impossible with kids, but you can approach your relationship with her in a business-like manner. Communicate about logistics, kids and money.

That's it. That's how me and my ex communicate.

 

He has our daughter every other weekend and he picks her up after school on Friday and drops her off at my house on Sunday. We don't talk other than general logistics. Civil and business-like.

 

I's approach this subject with your ex. Tell her you're not comfortable with some of the thing she is suggesting right now. A closer co-parenting relationship MIGHT develop later on, but it's going to take time.

[The_Onceler]

Please tell me you are not going to open a line of credit for her to draw from? As for her desire to maintain a quasi family status with you, I've been through that one before with my ex and my sincere belief is that her desire for continued public displays of togetherness is a form of cake eating. It is born out of her wanting to maintain appearances within the community and among her kids that she is an all around good person and good mother instead of a cheater who is leaving her kids. Her version of events and her rewrite of history would be upheld by maintaining the appearance of one big happy type of family who all decided to separate amicably through no fault of anyone in particular. Hold your ground on limited contact for now and for goodness sake don't open the credit line.

 

I am not saying that the kids should be subjected to conflict, but I don't think it's doing them any favors to maintain a farce for them either. And if she's telling the kids that maybe one day the two of you will come back together again, as she's telling you, she is seriously damaging your kids and setting you up to be the bad guy when that one day never happens. She's very manipulative, she's trying to keep all of her options open at the expense of her kids, and my advice to you is keep your guard up.

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

Her rationale behind the credit line is this: when we (well, when I) bought the new house, we needed a bunch of new furniture. As a SAHM (working part time), she has less credit activity in her name. So, she asked that SHE open a line of credit to finance new furniture. Our plan was that she would probably not start working until the following fall (now). I would make the monthly payments, and pay the whole thing off ASAP (about 12 months), but meanwhile her credit history would have some positive activity.

 

I was fine with that.

 

Now, however, we are splitting, and we have to sort out the furniture. Much of what we bought would be too big for her new place, and she doesn't want to pay to have it moved. That being said, she wants the line of credit cleared. I told her that when we opened the line of credit, our plan was to pay the payments for 12 months or so, and then pay it off. I offered her one of two options:

 

(1) I keep the new furniture. I would honor my original commitment, and keep making the payments, and pay it off ASAP (but that might take a bit longer, now that she was leaving and I had to pay child support).

 

(2) She takes the new furniture. She would arrange for movers to move the furniture. She would begin making the monthly payments immediately. She would reimburse me for the payments that I have made thus far.

 

Anyway, since I won't/can't pay off the furniture immediately, she is stuck either taking the furniture with her, or leaving the line of credit open (I *will* continue to pay - I don't intend to mess with her). But she says she cannot get additional credit for more new furniture for her new place. that is why she wants me to open a line of credit for her to use. Sort of a Mutually Assured Destruction approach: we each have a line open, and the other pays it down.

 

Anyway, I refused. She has also talked about splitting the new furniture, with her cherry picking the pieces that she wants to take. Then we would figure out who had what percent of the furniture, split the bill accordingly, and I could pay her that money directly.

 

I again refused. I do not want to be looking to her as my furniture lender. She is welcome to take it all, or she is welcome to leave it all, according to our original plan when we bought the house, less than a year ago.

 

And I had put her name on the deed when I bought the house, as a show of faith on my part. As a result, I had to buy her out after she announced she was leaving. So, I wrote her a huge check not long ago, and she is sitting on a large nest egg - she has plenty of cash in reserve to buy furniture outright if she so chooses.

 

And, yes, she has been pressuring me to NOT discuss our impending split, and to not make it public. Her primary rationale has been that we need to keep it close to the vest, lest somebody unintentionally spill the beans to the kids. We have each told our closest family members, but that is all. Meanwhile, she has carried on in public (and via Facebook) as if everything is just fine. Stuff like announcing her "new career opportunity" as if it was some wonderful event for our family, rather than a by-product of our split (or in truth, perhaps part of why she wanted to split). Also, she has suggested more than once to host get together's at our (my!) house, etc.

 

I guess largely I don't care, but I *do* intend to make a general announcement to the world about the split, on the same day we tell our kids, which we intend to do on the 27th. I am tired of implicitly lying to people with my omissions, and am actually looking forward to just getting that information out there.

 

So, yes, she has been taking pains to keep up appearances. That being said, I think that she and I have done a good job of remaining civil and respectful (well, aside from her online affair and all...). I don't anticipate any particular animosity, but I expect to be angry for a while to come, and don't want to be around her more than I have to be.

 

Also, while she has said things to me about reconciliation "some day", I don't think she intends to say such things to the kids. I have talked with her about this. As a child of divorce, I know first hand about (1) feeling like the divorce was YOUR fault, and (2) hoping and dreaming that your parents will get back together. I have made it very clear that, no matter what, we do NOT hint to the kids about any sort of reconciliation. Once we split, we are split.

[The_Onceler]

I feel compelled to post bc your situation feels so much like mine, tho I'm not sure I have a lot to add.

 

As for the schedule, I gotta warn you that I don't think there's any good way to do it. For me, it feels like more frequent exchanges are better. When we did a 5-2-2-5 schedule I just felt like I was always giving them back right when I was getting use to having them or I was getting them right when I was getting into a rhythm of being on my own. I just always feel out of tune. It doesn't seem as jarring now that we've been doing 4-3-3-4, but it's not comfortable and I can't see any way to improve it. I imagine the kids are feeling just as discombobulated as I do. I feel sick about making them do this.

 

We have done most of our trade offs by dropping or picking them up at school, which was great, especially at first when I really couldn't stand the sight of him. There are times that it has to be done parent-to-parent, tho. When he picks up or drops off at my place, he texts from the main entrance of my large apartment building. I told him I don't want him stepping inside the door. He's not part of my new life. When I drop off at his place I get out of the car and give the kids a hug in the driveway and he usually doesn't come out.

 

Your ex sounds terrible and I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. My ex left me for a woman he worked with and who I knew for years. I was devastated and thought my life was over. Being single is not perfect, but most days I actually feel honestly grateful to not be with him. I'm sure you'll feel that way soon.

 

Thanks for sharing your perspective. I have to say, having this forum as an outlet, and being able to share in the experience of others... it has helped me more than I can say. Thank you all!

 

I am sorry to hear that you have been in a similar boat. I know first hand that this sucks. I would have wished better for all of us.

 

I agree - when I have been trying to sort out how we should manage our shared custody, I have to always start by accepting that it is going to suck to some extent. The question is, how to make the best of it for the kids.

 

And, yes, I feel like a prisoner in my own home now. I typically get home from work, play with the kids, help get them to bed, and then disappear up to the bedroom. Their mother stays downstairs, watching TV, playing Scrabble online, and likely texting or calling the OM.

 

And this will sound shallow, but it is all sexually frustrating as well. I still find her incredibly attractive, and she spends most evenings in tight fitting yoga pants with just a tank top on. Why, just last night, as was coaching the girls to brush their teeth, my STBX hiked her summer dress up past her waist so that she could reach under and unhook her bra, which she then wiggled out of, all while standing next to where I was sitting on the floor.

 

So, on the one hand, I am angry with her, and hurt over her affair. On the other hand, I still respond physically to my attraction, and we are still living under the same roof, where I continue to receive many of the old, familiar cues of our shared life and shared intimacy. I find myself thinking about her sexually, and then remembering that she already has a new boyfriend, she essentially cheated on me, and she has decided to leave me.

 

I will be *so* relieved when I can come home at night and she won't be there.

[The_Onceler]

A closer co-parenting relationship MIGHT develop later on, but it's going to take time.

 

Yes. This has been my message to her.

 

 

Meanwhile, she just won't stop pressuring me. She *just* sent me a note reminding me that I needed to open a line of credit in her name. I had already told her that I would not do that. I told her that if the furniture company was willing to simply shift the line of credit to my name, that was fine with me, so long as there was no financial penalty for me in the process.

 

She just wrote, "You had said you're willing to do a balance transfer. The best way I've found to accomplish that is for you to open a store account and I will purchase the new furniture on your account."

 

I had to repeat AGAIN that I will not be opening a new line of credit for her to use. The fact that I am currently paying down a line of credit that is in her name is because we had both agreed to to do so, under the assumption that we had a long term future ahead of us in our new house. She decided to leave and to start up with the OM - it is not incumbent upon me to shoulder any new burden in order to sort all of that out. She is welcome to take the furniture, but she needs to decide NOW so that I can proceed accordingly.

 

Ugh.

[EdibleWoman]

I am assuming you consulted an attorney before cutting her a check to buy her out of the house? Anything you do while still married could and may be construed as a marital gift and not a settlement in divorce. That would also include any use by her of the LOC. If you haven't looped an attorney in on these financial settlements you're agreeing to with her, do it ASAP.

 

Also - her getting semi naked in front of you is another manipulation tactic. She's trying to get her needs met, which in this case means $$ and secrecy around her behavior. Watch out.

 

PS since you are a dad you should also check out this forum - they will give you some direct and good advice on all of this:

 

http://forum.mensdivorce.com

Edited August 19, 2016 by EdibleWoman

[The_Onceler]

I am assuming you consulted an attorney before cutting her a check to buy her out of the house? Anything you do while still married could and may be construed as a marital gift and not a settlement in divorce. That would also include any use by her of the LOC. If you haven't looped an attorney in on these financial settlements you're agreeing to with her, do it ASAP.

 

Also - her getting semi naked in front of you is another manipulation tactic. She's trying to get her needs met, which in this case means $$ and secrecy around her behavior. Watch out.

 

PS since you are a dad you should also check out this forum - they will give you some direct and good advice on all of this:

 

Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum - Index page

 

I did approach an attorney, but only so far as to determine that I didn't really need an attorney. She and I were never married. I wrote the check to her, and she signed the deed over to me. The new deed has been registered with the state.

 

But you make a good point about the LOC - that could certainly become a legal liability in some scenarios. I hadn't thought of that.

 

The thing is, I am currently making the payments for the furniture, but it is an account in her name. She wants me to clear the account now, which I cannot yet do. So, that is why she wants me to open a LOC for her - she in effect has one open for me, though it is only a side effect of her deciding to leave. If we were in this for the long haul, as planned, then we would still be together long after we had paid that account off.