What am I always doing so wrong

[cagedunicorn]

So I have been living with sons father for 3 years we've been together for 12.

 

He is always angry with me and most of the time I am confused as to why???

 

Last night after a very long work day I wasn't myself ( not as talkative and upbeat) he picked up on this fast as usual. I could tell he was a bit upset over my mood. Once he decided to go to bed I realized I had a chore to complete ( parenting ) I left the bed and went to the living room to watch a YouTube vid on how to tie a necktie

(school uniforms) after maybe 10 min I went back to bed

 

This morning all seemed fine I realized I got a text from him last night that we must have sent while I was on YouTube

 

He explained that when I do **** like leaving the bed and getting on my phone it leads him to not trust me.. I apologized for my mood while headed to work at 6:30am

 

We spoke twice throughout the day with no issue

 

Once he got home he reached out to me while I was at work saying I left the trash bin lid off and then went into a whole rant about me leaving the bed last night

 

My response was that I didn't do anything disrespectful and that we should go through this every time my mood is the norm

 

He flipped saying he is sick of me telling him how he should feel about things and again that he doesn't trust me

 

I apologized again and assured him that his was the only you know what that I am thinking about

I even explained that most of the time when I'm on my phone at night it is to check my horoscope and do research on things that I've been curious about throughout the day I explained to him that I did not understand his reasoning for not trusting me because I spend every day at work and then at home I don't recall the last time I even went out with a friend

 

NO USE. He is not on a war path! Nothing that I said has helped the situation everything I've said has seemed to anger him even more it is now to the point where he said through text that if I decided today that I no longer wanted to be with him he would laugh spit in my face and happily pay child support

I need ADVICE!

[oldshirt]

Get a hockey mask or some kind if face shield.

[Downtown]

Maybe if I tried this he wouldn't be so angry.[7/27 post]

Caged, if your partner is exhibiting strong and persistent BPD traits, he likely has been carrying enormous anger deep inside since early childhood. This means you don't have to do a thing to CREATE his anger. It is always there inside him. Instead, you only have to do or say some minor thing that TRIGGERS a sudden release of anger he already has. This is why a BPDer (i.e., person with strong traits) is able to throw a childish temper tantrum -- in only ten seconds -- based solely on a petty issue.

 

I started posting because I am often confused as to what I am doing wrong or if I am doing wrong at all.

Caged, if he is a BPDer, the problem is not that you are sometimes doing something wrong. Rather, the problem is that it is impossible to do anything right (from his point of view). This no-win situation arises because a BPDer's two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) lie at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that it is impossible to avoid triggering one fear without drawing closer to triggering the other.

 

Specifically, as you draw close to assure him of your love and devotion, you will start triggering his engulfment fear. Although BPDers crave intimacy like nearly everyone else, they cannot tolerate it for very long before they start feeling suffocated and controlled. They therefore create frequent fights -- over absolutely nothing at all -- to push you away and give them breathing space. Yet, as you back off to give him that space, you will start triggering his great fear of abandonment.

 

Importantly, what I'm saying here is relevant only if you're seeing a strong pattern of BPD traits in his behavior. I therefore encourage you to follow the links provided in my 7/17 post in your first thread -- to see if most of the BPD warning signs sound very familiar.

[ShatteredLady]

Does he have any reason not to trust you? Have EITHER of you cheated in the past? Did his ex cheat? His Dad? Know what I mean?

 

Does it always come around to not trusting you?

 

I'm sure others will be here with advise soon. I have the opposite problem. My husband is incredibly passive aggressive. I'd be punished for days/weeks until I figured out what I'd done!!

 

It's all abuse! No man should be talking to you like that. He either needs to find his problem & work on it or loose you. I can't imagine you putting up with this forever. I hope!!!

[aileD]

Things to consider-

 

--If he's worried about you cheating, it could be transference....maybe he's cheating.

 

--Maybe he feels neglected because you are putting kids first

 

(I say the top two because this happened in my relationship and my husband ended up having an affair because he didn't feel important)

 

--there's something else going on with him. Stupid arguments are usually covering up the real issue. Can you think of anything else that might be going on?

[FrenchToast]

CagedUnicorn,

 

It may not be you at all doing anything wrong. It might be all on him. If you cannot do anything right, his anger and insecurity is within himself and you are the closest target. You will walk on eggshells trying to not anger him if you do not already.

 

If he texts you and says that if you decided today that you no longer want to be with him that he would laugh, spit in your face, and happily pay child support - he may be challenging you/telling the truth. Accept his offer and have him pay child support so that you can heal from this damage that he is causing you and you can get on with your life.

 

Does he have any reason not to trust you? Be honest here - that way people can advise you on your post.

[Popsicle]

Sounds to m like HE is looking for a way out and wants to blame you for convenience.

[cagedunicorn]

We have gone through a lot

He cheated for 3 or more years and got the woman pregnant I left him for about 6 months

I have never cheated but the fact that I was with another man during our breakup was enough for him

 

At most I have flirted through text the most recent being last year February

 

Yes I have that issue too he will be silent and visibly angry for hours or days and won't clearly tell me the issue and when we finally do get to it he explodes

[cagedunicorn]

Actually he has mentioned many times that our son is more important then he is however he also spends a significant a mount of time doing things on his own and not with us he will take our son bike riding bring him home and then disappear for hours he'll do one thing with us on a weekend and spend the rest of his time On his own

 

So most of my time is spent entertaining our son alone

 

When our son is in bed that's our free time and we enjoy each others company.. Or so it seems until randomly he is extremely angry over something tiny and even with an apology he gets angrier

 

When we are good we are great then he flips very fast

[cagedunicorn]

Oh yes trust me I am giving COMPLETE honesty I need honest opinions

It's a 12 year relationship so yes things have happened with in those years to cause tension however we have only been living together for three years and with in that time not one year has gone by without him mentioning my being on Facebook or Instagram or acting funny because I have a new job

 

And nothing involving myself and any man has occurred for over a year

 

Yes last year February I started texting an old friend no pictures nothing serious just small flirtations he found out about it months after it ended. I of course apologized and reassured him!

 

I in no way believe that I had a right to text this old friend however the things we go through our sometimes extremely overwhelming and a lot of times cause me to feel insecure and worthless and I think out of reaction to that I may have reached out to this

Man. There is also physical abuse not one year has gone by without it

 

 

It hasn't happened in maybe two months but that is always subject to change it was much worse

[Lois_Griffin]

So why do you stay? Co-dependency?

 

You left this abusive ass after he got another woman pregnant. You were FREE of him and you chose to go back????

 

He's verbally and PHYSICALLY abusive and all you do is cater to this fool. You live in fear and constantly pander to him, trying desperately to please him - and to avoid his beatings, obviously.

 

What's the payoff? There must be a payoff for you if you're so willing to be a volunteer, because you ceased being a victim a long long time ago. You chose to walk right back into this dysfunction.

 

And you've chosen to expose your poor son to this abusive atmosphere. The poor child has a worthless, abusive LOSER for a father who can't even provide the most basic of fatherly parenting skills like teaching his son how to tie a tie, but I'll bet he can set a real good example of how to knock a woman around, can't he?

 

THAT'S what you're teaching this poor child.

 

If you can't make smarter and better decisions for yourself, then quite frankly, you deserve whatever you get. But when you drag a poor innocent kid into this mess WITH you and he's made to suffer because of your poor choices, then that's a whole different story. Your ONE job in this world is to protect that young boy and you've failed miserably at it.

 

You conveniently left out that he's a wife beater in your first few posts. Now that it's out there, I don't think ANYONE in good conscience would try to convince you to stay with him. You should have stayed gone the FIRST time you left him.

 

Advice? Sure. Get to a lawyer and dump this loser like you should have done years ago.

[Gaeta]

if I decided today that I no longer wanted to be with him he would laugh spit in my face and happily pay child support

I need ADVICE!

 

Tell him you will accept his offer.

[Anne5113]

Caged:

 

If you are cheating then of course the distrust is understandable. If he doesn't trust you he should be lying low and looking for evidence or leave because he feels you have been unfaithful. What he is doing is expecting you to make him trust you and he's doing it with escalating force. This will lead to uncontrollable violence from him because he expects the impossible of you giving him the ability to trust you & making him do so when all you can be is trustworthy. Before the physical abuse starts though, the lasting abuse is already present. Detach and ensure your safety.

[BaileyB]

He's abusive. Physically and emotionally abusive. Why you stay with a man who treats you terribly is beyond me.

 

This relationship, as you describe it, is very unhealthy. You are teaching your son that physical and emotional abuse towards a woman is ok. And THAT, is not ok.

 

Take steps to leave and never go back.

Edited August 21, 2016 by BaileyB

[hestheone66]

You can see my historic posts regarding previous topic relationship. I now see he prob had PbD ..I was blamed for many fictitious events. The fear of engulfment and abandonment was a frustrating cycle and he never acknowledged that there maybe anything at all that he bore responsibility for. We were together 12 years too long.

I finally left with no regrets. Looking back I see the craziness but while in it was preoccupied with what I had done wrong..I now see it as crazy making.

The scars are there but being with a person with normal responses has helped me heal. Good luck.

Oh by the way the motivation to finally leave was the realization that staying g constituted child abuse just for my children to witness the craziness..

[ritta]

He flipped saying he is sick of me telling him how he should feel about things and again that he doesn't trust me

 

I apologized again and assured him that his was the only you know what that I am thinking about

I even explained that most of the time when I'm on my phone at night it is to check my horoscope and do research on things that I've been curious about throughout the day I explained to him that I did not understand his reasoning for not trusting me because I spend every day at work and then at home I don't recall the last time I even went out with a friend

 

NO USE. He is not on a war path! Nothing that I said has helped the situation everything I've said has seemed to anger him even more it is now to the point where he said through text that if I decided today that I no longer wanted to be with him he would laugh spit in my face and happily pay child support

I need ADVICE!

 

This is cray! You should feel comfortable in your relationship!

Both of you are individuals and everybody needs his or her space! You did not do anything wrong! I hope you get through it! Especially when he was cheating and having a child with another woman!

For your son's sake you should split but everybody should have to right to spent time with the boy! But together it seems that you're no good for anybody!

[stillafool]

I would be gone so fast his head would spin. I can't take nasty attitudes and won't put up with it. OP, just leave this fool.

[aileD]

Physical Abuse is a dealbreaker. All the other stuff doesn't matter.

 

If there is physical abuse--you leave. You leave and get you and your son to safety.

 

No excuses. Go.

[NTV]

When my wife was cheating she accused me of cheating. Now I know what the accusations mean.