For those who initialized divorce, did you ever have second thoughts? ***Updated***

[benpom]

Just curious:

1. Why did you choose to break up? What made you give up?

2. Did you ever consider getting back together? At what time?

3. Did you ever reach out to the other person?

4. Did you have children together? Would you be willing to try a second time for the sake of children?

[Michelle ma Belle]

No, never.

 

1. Why did you choose to break up? What made you give up?

 

A: I've talked at great length about my unhappy marriage but to sum it up my husband decided to remove sex from the menu. Porn became a problem to the point where he couldn't perform and eventually we drifted apart more and more. The frustration level and his continued denial made things impossible and I had had enough. The lack of intimacy poisoned everything in our lives and I realized that I was far too young to live out the rest of my life in an unhappy sexless marriage.

 

2. Did you ever consider getting back together? At what time?

 

A: I fought to save our marriage and beg, pleaded and even threatened my partner to attend marriage counselling with me. He didn't think we needed help and although he attend some sessions he was reluctant and reserved and never participated in any of the homework assigned to us by our therapist. It took many years for me to come to the conclusion that leaving him would be better than staying and once I did, I never once looked back. Zero regrets.

 

3. Did you ever reach out to the other person?

 

A: Again, I've talked about my relationship already here. Although we were unhappy for a great many years, we ended things very amicably. In fact, we are the best of friends today and still are very involved in each other's lives including our respective families. We consider each other to be family and we work very hard to maintain that friendship for the sake of our families, our children and even for each other. We realized after the dust settled that we are much better friends than we ever were as husband and wife.

 

4. Did you have children together? Would you be willing to try a second time for the sake of children?

 

A: Yes we did. I stayed in the marriage much longer than I probably should have because of the children. I'm one of those people who thinks it's toxic to remain in an unhappy marriage for the sake of children. Kids aren't stupid. They can sense and see and hear everything. I didn't want my children to grow up not knowing what a loving married couple are supposed to look like and act like. If we weren't fighting, we were ignoring each other. That's doesn't instill confidence in children. I am very blessed to have managed to end my marriage on a good note and to have had a partner who also believed we had to do whatever we could to create a happy, safe and peaceful environment for children after the divorce. And we did. And it's been wonderful for everyone involved despite the outcome. It's not lost on me how fortunate we've been given the statistics but we also work very hard at it.

 

Having said that, I will admit to missing my family. Not my husband per se but the whole family dynamic. This wasn't how I pictured my life but I did the best I could with what was given to me. That's all you can do.

[benpom]

Sounds like it really worked out well for you at the end! I am happy for you. Did he ever try to reconcile?

 

No, never.

 

1. Why did you choose to break up? What made you give up?

 

A: I've talked at great length about my unhappy marriage but to sum it up my husband decided to remove sex from the menu. Porn became a problem to the point where he couldn't perform and eventually we drifted apart more and more. The frustration level and his continued denial made things impossible and I had had enough. The lack of intimacy poisoned everything in our lives and I realized that I was far too young to live out the rest of my life in an unhappy sexless marriage.

 

2. Did you ever consider getting back together? At what time?

 

A: I fought to save our marriage and beg, pleaded and even threatened my partner to attend marriage counselling with me. He didn't think we needed help and although he attend some sessions he was reluctant and reserved and never participated in any of the homework assigned to us by our therapist. It took many years for me to come to the conclusion that leaving him would be better than staying and once I did, I never once looked back. Zero regrets.

 

3. Did you ever reach out to the other person?

 

A: Again, I've talked about my relationship already here. Although we were unhappy for a great many years, we ended things very amicably. In fact, we are the best of friends today and still are very involved in each other's lives including our respective families. We consider each other to be family and we work very hard to maintain that friendship for the sake of our families, our children and even for each other. We realized after the dust settled that we are much better friends than we ever were as husband and wife.

 

4. Did you have children together? Would you be willing to try a second time for the sake of children?

 

A: Yes we did. I stayed in the marriage much longer than I probably should have because of the children. I'm one of those people who thinks it's toxic to remain in an unhappy marriage for the sake of children. Kids aren't stupid. They can sense and see and hear everything. I didn't want my children to grow up not knowing what a loving married couple are supposed to look like and act like. If we weren't fighting, we were ignoring each other. That's doesn't instill confidence in children. I am very blessed to have managed to end my marriage on a good note and to have had a partner who also believed we had to do whatever we could to create a happy, safe and peaceful environment for children after the divorce. And we did. And it's been wonderful for everyone involved despite the outcome. It's not lost on me how fortunate we've been given the statistics but we also work very hard at it.

 

Having said that, I will admit to missing my family. Not my husband per se but the whole family dynamic. This wasn't how I pictured my life but I did the best I could with what was given to me. That's all you can do.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Sounds like it really worked out well for you at the end! I am happy for you. Did he ever try to reconcile?

 

My ex husband never wanted a separation or a divorce believe it or not. When he realized I finally was at the end of my rope, he suddenly declared his desire to seek counselling and do whatever was needed to fix the marriage but by that point, it was far too late. We had been going around and around like a merry-go-round for years and I simply couldn't do it anymore.

 

He wanted to reconcile with me shortly after we separated but we spent a lot of time talking and agreed that our friendship was far better and at this point in our lives, more important than trying to piece together a broken and flawed marriage.

 

It worked out for the very best.

[benpom]

I applaud for you for how maturely you handled your relationship!

 

For me, things did not work out great, although everything seems to be looking up now.

 

Me and my soon-to-be ex were not good at communicating. We had 10-year on and off relationship. We loved each other, but the bad communication made me feel very lonely in most part of the relationship. I threatened to break up with him numerous times and actually broke up with him once. I love him, but the loneliness was killing me. I talked to a few people. No one was able to spot our problem, and was not able to help. Everyone was telling me: he is a great guy. He loves you. You should treasure him. This only made me feel guilty and made things worse. The loneliness made me doubet whether I really love him or not.

 

In the beginning, he was too happy to notice our problems. After we got married and had children, I became exhausted and bitter and cold towards him without even realizing it. He felt under appreciated and unloved. For me, I felt trapped in a lonely marriage, trapped in a stage between not being able to improve the situation and not wanting to leave the situation.

 

Until a year ago, we had a fight. He said things that hurt me really really bad. I was angry and hurt, and I let out all my discontent and sufferings from the past 9 years. We finally were able to have some candid talk. Our relationship actually went through some best times. But we also had the worst times. The hurt was very deep for me. I did not go for the high road of forgiveness. I took revenge and hurt him deeply too, probably even deeper.

 

At the time, I felt like forgiveness was something I was never able to achieve and I started contemplating divorce. He tried desperately to save it. But the more he pushed, the farther away I went. Eventually, he gave up trying and he turned his suffering and anger towards me and filed for divorce.

 

After separation, I eventually came to the stage of forgiveness. He probably hasn't yet. I realized that I already had big communication problems with people in general long before we met. Keeping thoughts to myself was how I was taught to behave while growing up. I lived in denial for years. I did not admit weakness. I did not ask for help. But the emotional garbage inside me - discontent, loneliness, regret, guilt, jealousy, hurt, were looking for a way out themselves. The more I tried to deny their existence, the bitter and isolated I feel.

 

In a way, life is better now. It's much brighter compared to the lonely and angry stage we were stuck in right before the divorce. But I really miss the image of a whole family being together. I often find myself daydreaming about how things could have been if I spotted our root problems much earlier.

 

I have been researching a lot lately about whether it's a good idea for people to get back together, and what needs to be done, and how likely it is to happen. Thanks for sharing your story!

Edited August 18, 2016 by benpom

[central]

Just curious:

1. Why did you choose to break up? What made you give up?

 

Marriage became increasingly sexless, she became more judgmental and negative, and increasingly critical.

 

 

2. Did you ever consider getting back together? At what time?

QUOTE]

 

Oh hell, no! Once I finally decided to leave - which was a long, difficult process punctuated with many attempts to fix things (even through marriage counseling, etc.) - there was NO way I was going to reconsider.

 

 

3. Did you ever reach out to the other person?

QUOTE]

 

 

We stayed amicable, for the most part, but other than necessary communication, there was no contact.

 

4. Did you have children together? Would you be willing to try a second time for the sake of children?

 

Yes. That was one reason I took as long as I did to decide to leave. By the time I did, I figured that the dysfunctional marriage was doing more harm than good, and moving on to a healthy relationship would hopefully undo some of the damage. It did.

[benpom]

Sounds like your life is at a better place now.

 

Just curious:

What characteristics of her drew you to her in the first place, when things were still good? Do you still feel love or resentment towards her? or complete indifferent now?

 

Did she reach out to try to reconcile during divorce and afterwards?

 

Did you remarry someone else afterwards?

 

Your situation kind of resonates with mine, except that the sex life in my marriage was actually great (this is also his opinion) before he filed for divorce.

 

 

Marriage became increasingly sexless, she became more judgmental and negative, and increasingly critical.

 

 

2. Did you ever consider getting back together? At what time?

QUOTE]

 

Oh hell, no! Once I finally decided to leave - which was a long, difficult process punctuated with many attempts to fix things (even through marriage counseling, etc.) - there was NO way I was going to reconsider.

 

 

3. Did you ever reach out to the other person?

QUOTE]

 

 

We stayed amicable, for the most part, but other than necessary communication, there was no contact.

 

 

 

Yes. That was one reason I took as long as I did to decide to leave. By the time I did, I figured that the dysfunctional marriage was doing more harm than good, and moving on to a healthy relationship would hopefully undo some of the damage. It did.

[benpom]

Marriage became increasingly sexless, she became more judgmental and negative, and increasingly critical.

 

 

In my marriage, I was judgmental, negative and critical, without even realizing it. Because being judgmental, negative and critical was how I treated myself all my life until now. I wish I could have realized my problem sooner and showed more appreciation, affection and support to him when I had the chance. My soon-to-be ex must have gone through so much frustration like you. On behalf of our judgmental kind, I give you and all suffering husbands an apology.

Edited August 18, 2016 by benpom

[benpom]

What about other things that are tied to the old times?

[Michelle ma Belle]

Sorry but I laughed out loud reading this. Wedding pictures on the wall??? Who does that anymore? Sorry but that sounds more like something my grandmother's generation would have done, definitely not mine.

 

On a serious note, as far as any pictures of my ex and I together laying around the house in frames, I removed them and placed them in storage. No need for reminders of the past but there is also no need to start a bomb fire with them either.

[benpom]

Sorry but I laughed out loud reading this. Wedding pictures on the wall??? Who does that anymore? Sorry but that sounds more like something my grandmother's generation would have done, definitely not mine.

 

On a serious note, as far as any pictures of my ex and I together laying around the house in frames, I removed them and placed them in storage. No need for reminders of the past but there is also no need to start a bomb fire with them either.

 

Did you put the reminders away as soon as he moves out, or did you wait until divorce is finalized?

[Satu]

Torn up and burned along with every other unwanted reminder.

[benpom]

Torn up and burned along with every other unwanted reminder.

 

What about the ring?

[Michelle ma Belle]

Did you put the reminders away as soon as he moves out, or did you wait until divorce is finalized?

 

No one moved out in advance. We remained living together until we sold our home and then moved on separately so I didn't have to worry about anything until I got into my own place.

 

When I finally got set up in my own home, I kept many of 'our' pictures just because that was usually something I took care of. I had my cry going through them and then carefully packaged them up and stored them in a safe place. Out of site for obvious reasons but not lost forever.

 

I don't think I could live with myself for destroying those kinds of memories. Despite how things turned out, we loved each other very much and had some wonderful memories and it's for those reasons I still have a lot of respect for 'our' things.

[benpom]

No one moved out in advance. We remained living together until we sold our home and then moved on separately so I didn't have to worry about anything until I got into my own place.

 

When I finally got set up in my own home, I kept many of 'our' pictures just because that was usually something I took care of. I had my cry going through them and then carefully packaged them up and stored them in a safe place. Out of site for obvious reasons but not lost forever.

 

I don't think I could live with myself for destroying those kinds of memories. Despite how things turned out, we loved each other very much and had some wonderful memories and it's for those reasons I still have a lot of respect for 'our' things.

 

You are a strong lady!

 

What about the ring?

[Michelle ma Belle]

You are a strong lady!

 

What about the ring?

 

Same thing. I have it and every other piece of jewellery he gave me in a safety deposit box.

[benpom]

Short version of our story:

We have been together for 10 years, have two young children together. 5 months ago, we split up. Divorce is not finalized yet, but close to.

 

Details:

We started dating as soon as we met. He is a great lover, great father and has been a nearly perfect husband. We both had some self-esteem issues. For him, it showed up in a way that he would hurt me without knowing it, but then he would make great compromises to keep me in the relationship. He admired me, to the level he calls worship (a level I don't deserve). For me, I would be very judgmental and critical towards him, the same way I treated myself.

 

In the last year, when things started going down the drain, he said disrespectful things to me (not on purpose). I was very hurt and angry, and treated him very badly in revenge. But that's not where problem really started. We actually had problems since the very beginning. We had the classical communication problem. I was too critical, and he was too silent. As a result, he thought I was not showing enough affection, while I was feeling very lonely. The loneliness made me question if I truly loved him. We had a on and off relationship. We actually broke up once for a day.

 

Recent development after separation

According to him, he did not really want a divorce, because he wants an intact family for the children, but he does not see any hope of having a good relationship with me. For me, I felt the same way for a while, and I was the first one to contemplate divorce, although I probably would never file for divorce myself.

 

I did lots of thinking and reflection after we separated. I know our root problems now. I was the one with bigger issues. Ironically, only because we went through separation, I found the solution to a good relationship between us. It's like a big joke life arranged for me.

 

I did not follow the 180 degree rule well at all. In fact, I did almost the opposite. I did pleading one time, and I probably appeared really unattractive.

 

Our relationship was horrible right after we separated. Back then, he hated me very much. Recently, things have become more friendly, but we don't talk. Our only interaction is about children.

 

From what I heard, he still loves me, but he does not think I can change. I also heard he hates me. He still keeps family pictures including mine and other reminders of me around him. It just makes me wonder, does he still have some hope for me or has he already got to the stage of total indifference? or he is simply too busy to notice his surroundings?

 

He still has good friendship with my local friends.

 

I also heard he is not planning to get married again.

 

My hopes and wishes

He has been nearly a perfect lover, but I did not give him enough affection, appreciation and joy. I really wish I can have another chance to be in his world again, to let him experience the love, affection and appreciation I should have been giving him all along. I know we can make it work, if he is willing to. In fact, we had some best times in our relationship, shortly before we separated, because we were finally open to talk. It was also the time we had the best sex in our relationship.

 

It we can get back together happily, it would work out best for our children too.

 

For me, I love him and miss him very much. But if there is absolutely no hope for us, I would move on. I still believe in love and marriage, and I am not planning to be single forever.

 

My questions

My questions are: is it too late to win him back? what should I do? what should do I avoid doing?

 

What I have been doing

I have been exercising - my health and body shape has improved recently

I have been working on building up my career after being a stay-at-home mother for years

I have been attending community classes for support and to support others

I have been checking out this forum often

[benpom]

A year ago, he was in the stage of pleading and begging me to stay and work on our marriage, and I refused. Back then, I was very hurt and angry. I did not see any hope.

 

Now, he has given up. I really miss him. I finally figured out our problem - mostly my problem, but it's probably too late, like in the old school days, I only figured out the solution when the test was over.

 

I gave him the ring back a year ago. I have hurt him in so many ways. The stage I am in, is probably the stage he was in a year or a few months ago. After putting him through so much sufferings, how could I make him happy and trust me again?

[PegNosePete]

You can't "win" someone back, unless they want to be won back.

 

It sounds very much as though he is not interested in a reconciliation.

 

Your best chance would be to sit him down and talk seriously about whether he wants to give it another chance or not, see if you can address the issues he has. If he still doesn't want to try again then there's nothing you can do to change his mind.

[Michelle ma Belle]

First, you need to get crystal clear that it's HIM you're missing and not the comfort and safety of your relationship. Embarking alone after being with someone for many years can be really frightening and challenging on many levels especially when reality comes to bite you in the ass. Sometimes fear and loneliness masquerades as desire for re-connection. You don't want to start something you can't finish so make sure you're certain about what you want.

 

Second, if you are sure you're ready to work things out with him all you can do is tell him and see how he responds. Of course, you risk being rejected so you need to be prepared for that. If you put him through a lot of pain he might not be as receptive to a reconciliation as you are but you'll never know until you try.

 

Have you discussed any of this with him?

[benpom]

Thank you for the advice.

 

I am pretty sure it's him as a person that I love and miss, not just the comfort or companionship.

 

He rejected reconciliation a few months ago. Since then, I have not pursued reconciliation again.

 

He is becoming more friendly towards me these days, and I will leave it like that for now. I have a pretty good idea what he dislikes / hates about me. I only realized my root problem after our separation. Honestly, I like how I am like now much better than how I used to be. Surely, he will notice my change over time. I just hope it does not take too long.

[SevenCity]

Thank you for the advice.

 

I am pretty sure it's him as a person that I love and miss, not just the comfort or companionship.

 

He rejected reconciliation a few months ago. Since then, I have not pursued reconciliation again.

 

He is becoming more friendly towards me these days, and I will leave it like that for now. I have a pretty good idea what he dislikes / hates about me. I only realized my root problem after our separation. Honestly, I like how I am like now much better than how I used to be. Surely, he will notice my change over time. I just hope it does not take too long.

 

You really should be 10000% sure if you are going to try and work this out. Not "pretty sure".

 

And are you positive it is not knowing you can't have him that is making you want him more?

[benpom]

You really should be 10000% sure if you are going to try and work this out. Not "pretty sure".

 

And are you positive it is not knowing you can't have him that is making you want him more?

 

Yes, I am 10000% sure I love him and I want to give my best shot to try to make it work.

 

I do really want him back. But if he can't be happy with me anymore, I would rather him find someone else that he can be happy with. I will just stay away, cry, heal and then move on.

[SevenCity]

Yes, I am 10000% sure I love him and I want to give my best shot to try to make it work.

 

I do really want him back. But if he can't be happy with me anymore, I would rather him find someone else that he can be happy with. I will just stay away, cry, heal and then move on.

 

Ok so what was your issue that caused the breakup? Was it fixed?

[benpom]

Ok so what was your issue that caused the breakup? Was it fixed?

 

The source was lack of good communication, mostly my side. It was his opinion too shortly before he filed divorce. But back then, I was too hurt and angry to work things out and I was living in denial.

 

The problem is, things escalated and we did lots of damage to the relationship. We really hurt each other at the most vulnerable parts of our hearts.

 

We both love our children very much, and we both are devoted to our children. That has formed a good bridge between us, even though we don't talk. I can clearly tell that he is becoming increasingly more friendly to me. I don't know if he wants to reconcile some time in future, but I must try before I give up.