For those who initialized divorce, did you ever have second thoughts? ***Updated***

[sooshi]

What were you so angry and hurt about in the past? How have those things changed? What can ensure that the anger and hurt of the past is unlikely to resurface, or at least if it does, how will it be dealt with more agreeably this time around?

 

I feel for you, benpom. Your words feel so full of sincerity and a gentle, loving hope. I hope he will be open to reconciliation. Take care.

[benpom]

What were you so angry and hurt about in the past? How have those things changed? What can ensure that the anger and hurt of the past is unlikely to resurface, or at least if it does, how will it be dealt with more agreeably this time around?

 

I feel for you, benpom. Your words feel so full of sincerity and a gentle, loving hope. I hope he will be open to reconciliation. Take care.

I think the hurt and pain from past damages will take time to fade, but it will eventually fade.

 

The past hurt from him has been amplified by my self-esteem issue. My therapist rated my self-esteem as rock bottom low.

 

A few consequences of my extremely low-esteem are: 1. I don't express my feelings, if it involves hurt, anger, jealousy or weakness. I kept them inside me and shut people out. 2. I was very hard on myself, and kind of turned myself to workaholic. I was very judgmental and critical towards him and myself 3. I don't ask for what I want. I would rather do what other people want me to do, instead of what I want myself to do, things like what career I should choose, what type of people I should date. I felt like a puppet of life, and this kind of made me feel empty inside.

 

My self-esteem issue is improving. It is a very subconscious thing and I don't expect it to change over night, but at least I know which enemy I am confronting now.

 

My SO hurt me a few times without realizing it. Although, it's not what did that hurt me; it's how he reacted. On the other hand, he was frustrated that I would not tell him what bothered me or what I wanted, and he could not figure out how he should react. On his side, he does seem to be a little oblivious to human relationships (not just my opinion). Bottom line is that he never hurt me purposefully.

 

Both he and I have changed a lot over the years. Shortly before we separated, our marriage got to a very unhappy stage. We felt like we had no choice but to tell each other why we were not happy. That communication actually brought us a lot closer and we had some best times in our relationship. Since it has worked once, I know we can make it happen again, if we both try.

 

If things continued like that, our relationship would have been saved. But I was not patient. I was expecting it to change over night. Our therapist also did more harm to our relationship than help. She was trying to justify the hurtful things my SO did or said to me, which even made him feel uncomfortable. She was talking to me in an attitude like: You have to forgive him. Case closed. (A friend of mine said that after she went to that therapist, she needed another therapy to undo the damage she gave her.)

 

Another issue is that I did not truly realize how different people can be. I knew people are different, but that idea did not sink into me until recently. Appreciating the difference between people has brought me new appreciation towards people, and made it much easier for me to forgive people.

 

On the retrospect, my SO and I had lot of complimentary strengths, but I was focusing on the weakness and expecting him to understand me while I was not opening up.

 

I know that normally people don't pursue divorce leaving any stone unturned. I am worried that I have done too much damage, both chronic damages and acute damages. I was very angry and vengeful for some time. I am quite ashamed of how I behaved in those days. I don't even want to think or remember that part of me. This divorce process is also doing a lot of damage, and it's not over yet.

 

On a positive side, he still keeps the reminders of me around him, and he seems to be increasingly more friendly towards me these days. We both love our children very much and we both have been flexible and accommodating in taking care of the children.

Edited August 20, 2016 by benpom

[sooshi]

Sorry about the spam post above. I'm sure it'll be removed soon.

 

When we have low self-esteem, our boundaries tend to be weak (many of us have been there, including myself). I am glad that you are getting stronger in many ways. Make a list of what you truly want out of life. Focus on those very things. What do you want in a partner? A career? Experiences you want to have? Focus on yourself.

 

It sounds like when you both spoke of what made you unhappy, the relationship became stronger. Slowly, your walls were coming down and you invited genuine communication. Keep that up, gradually. Like you said, you'll continue to grow over time. Your boundaries will become stronger. You'll slowly get to know yourself better and better, and become more aware of what it is you really desire, rather than focusing on what you think/know others desire and try to please them be conforming.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your experience with your therapist. It sounds like they weren't practicing soundly, and might have hurt quite a few people along the way. There are therapists who wouldn't be judgmental and who wouldn't push you to do X, Y, or, Z. I hope that should you pursue therapy again, that you will find a much better match.

 

I'm so glad to hear that your self-esteem issues are improving. Surround yourself with people who treat themselves well, who have good boundaries, something positive that you can emulate. Find strength in all of the little successes of your day, and find joy in the moments that reconnect you with your true self.

 

I do hope he gives you another chance. You do seem to truly care about him, as you seem to be willing to respect his decision to not reconcile if that is what he chose. I truly feel for you and hope that he will open his heart up to you again. Since you don't talk much, perhaps you can write a letter and tell him how you feel, how things are changing for you for the better, and what you are hoping to accomplish with him. Just a thought.

 

Take care.

[Rose58]

You have guys have way too much invested in each other to give up now. This is what marriage is all about. I encourage you to build on what you have and be determined to not be a statistic. I have been married over 31 years. I can't even remember how many times I was frustrated to the point that I wondered if we were ever going to grow old together. We are going stronger than ever now. Our kids are grown and are doing well. The poet Robert Browning said it well; Grow old with me, the best is yet to be". This is one the secrets of a successful marriage. If you can always realize that the best is yet to be then you will be willing to stand together with your back against the wind and take on anything that comes as a team. Don’t give up. He is not your enemy and you are not his. You are his back up and he is yours. If you guys could put away expectations of each other and just love. Real love changes people. Love is a decision not an emotion. The truth is that sometimes we don’t feel emotionally in love. That passes and we fall in love over an over again. I would like to encourage you to get some intensive marriage counseling. As I said before, you guys have way too much to walk away from. You need each other and your kids need you together. Give them the legacy of the resolve to never give up on their spouses. We are pulling for you guys!

Edited August 20, 2016 by Rose58

[benpom]

You have guys have way too much invested in each other to give up now. This is what marriage is all about. I encourage you to build on what you have and be determined to not be a statistic. I have been married over 31 years. I can't even remember how many times I was frustrated to the point that I wondered if we were ever going to grow old together. We are going stronger than ever now. Our kids are grown and are doing well. The poet Robert Browning said it well; Grow old with me, the best is yet to be". This is one the secrets of a successful marriage. If you can always realize that the best is yet to be then you will be willing to stand together with your back against the wind and take on anything that comes as a team. Don’t give up. He is not your enemy and you are not his. You are his back up and he is yours. If you guys could put away expectations of each other and just love. Real love changes people. Love is a decision not an emotion. The truth is that sometimes we don’t feel emotionally in love. That passes and we fall in love over an over again. I would like to encourage you to get some intensive marriage counseling. As I said before, you guys have way too much to walk away from. You need each other and your kids need you together. Give them the legacy of the resolve to never give up on their spouses. We are pulling for you guys!

 

Thank you so much! Your words are so full of wisdom. Bless you and your family!

[Gloria25]

You can't win him over with begging, pleading and more talking. Men wanna see actions.

 

How long is the separation for before the divorce is final?

 

I ask that cuz it's a good sign that when you both meet up for the kids that he's warm and friendly. It's also a good sign that he says he doesn't want the divorce...you can use the separation time to show him you've changed.

 

Another question. Have you admitted what you did wrong in the marriage? You did mention that you did not show affection and that you are starting to work out? If you haven't already, you need to admit where you were wrong. No one is gonna believe someone who doesn't take responsibility for their actions.

 

I say that you take advantage of every opportunity you interact with him to "show" him you're changing. When you meet up with him cuz of the kids, always look nice, feminine, nails and hair nice. As you're getting fitter, wear clothes that show off your progress. Be affectionate....no, don't run up and smooch him, but start with small stuff like rubbing his shoulder...see if he recoils. If not, gradually continue...maybe as you're talking, rub your hand on his arm... until one day he comes and you greet him with a warm hug. And, if you see he's cool with the hugs, escalate to a kiss on the cheek.

 

Also, maybe when you meet up with him cuz of the kids, send him with some yummy home cooked meals cookies/brownies and stuff. Tell him you made enough for dinner or lunch for him and the kids. Again, you're showing affection through actions - without begging/pleading, etc.

 

In time he'll hopefully warm up to the new "you" and reconsider the divorce.

 

Well wishes

[juniorrocha]

It's good that you acknowledge your problems, that way you can improve no matter what the outcome of this situation will be. However, the question is: has he improved?

 

A relationship is made by two. You may have your part, but so does he. It doesn't matter if you're doing better and he isn't; it will lead to another break up. It seems to me that you're working hard to value yourself and to show him that you're worth it, but you should consider his mindset may be towards moving on (what seems to be the case here).

 

If your relationship overall was a great one and the problems seem to be fixable (think about it, be honest with yourself), then talking to him would be the best, in my opinion. Call him, ask if you can meet and talk, and then see how it goes. If he's open for another shot, take things slowly, and show him how much you've changed.

[Robert]

Note from moderation, multiple threads were merged into one thread for the sake of keeping all the same topical content in one thread.

 

Thanks

[Formerfiveo]

1. Why did you choose to break up? What made you give up?

 

I wanted something different, something more other than a roommate situation. I want a partner, not someone who has different goals and interests in life than I do. I met my husband when I was at the lowest point of my life and he offered unconditional love and support. When I put the pieces of me back together over the course of years, I was a different person. We grew apart and grew into different people and we were holding each other back.

 

2. Did you ever consider getting back together? At what time?

 

Never.

 

3. Did you ever reach out to the other person?

 

We are close friends to this day and support each other 100%. I still handle his car insurance, and he still works on my car. There's no animosity. We had a decade of honesty and faithfulness.

 

 

4. Did you have children together? Would you be willing to try a second time for the sake of children?

 

No. I married later in life for the first time and wasn't about to have children at that point. Just not for me.

Edited August 22, 2016 by Formerfiveo
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[LancasterAmos1966]

There's sure nothing wrong on improving ourselves.

 

If someone wants to fight for their marriage, go for it.

 

I tried to keep my wife from moving out, and abandoning my 6 kids and I --- and after the dust settled, I realized that I wasted a few good years.

 

In many of the books I found on marriage reconciliation, it was what I could do to make my wife love me, and return back home. I'm all for marriage reconciliation but not this one-sided nonsense that seems to be the mantra.

 

So, I've got to do X number of things --- and then "maybe" she'll return??!!

 

If she would have told me that when we were dating/courting that I needed to do X number of things before we could have a 1st date or before she'd consider marriage, I would have politely said "No thank you" and parted pathways.

[Arieswoman]

Q. For those who initialized divorce, did you ever have second thoughts?

 

A. No

 

1. I discovered he was cheating with a subordinate at work. I asked him to stop and he refused, saying that he loved her.

 

2. No.

 

3. No.

 

4. No. So second part of this question doesn't apply.