Bonding Over Shared Dysfunctional Behaviors

[Wave Rider]

So lately, with all the reading and therapy I've been doing, I've been making an effort to seek out emotionally healthier people for potential partners. The problem I've been having is that I don't connect very well with emotionally healthy people because I have lived quite a different life from them and I have more pronounced negative personality traits than they do. An emotionally healthy person doesn't seem to "get" me the way an emotionally unhealthy person does, and I don't seem to "get" them.

 

On the flip side of that, when I meet a person with similar emotional problems to myself, we "get" each other. We quickly form a strong bond, and we feel like we've known each other for years, even if we just met. If I really get down to why I bond strongly with the people that I do, it's because the people I bond with have similar problems to me and similar behavioral dysfunctions.

 

This becomes a very difficult trap to escape, because whenever I try to climb out of it by spending time with healthier people, there just isn't any "chemistry" between me and the healthier people. We've lived such different emotional lives and had such different experiences that we don't emotionally bond very well, even if we have superficially similar interests, like similar hobbies.

 

Even after years of work and therapy, I've found that I've been able to change my basic emotional makeup very little. Even after seeing 17 different therapists, I feel like I'm fundamentally the same person I always was. I've been able to make behavioral tweaks here and there, but I'm still largely the same person I always was.

 

I recently listened to an audiobook called The Science of Happily Ever After, which is a summation of the research on which personality traits matter most in a good romantic partner. The research shows that the most important traits in a partner that maximize the chance of a happy relationship are that they score highly on Agreeableness and low on Neuroticism on the Big 5 Personality Traits, and that they have a secure attachment style. High scores on Neuroticism are the biggest predictor of relationship dissatisfaction and relationship failure. Since I score highly on Neuroticism and have an insecure (anxious) attachment style, I am precisely the kind of partner that the research tells people to avoid.

 

Attachment styles can possibly be changed with years of work and great difficultly, but Neuroticism is considered to be an essentially fixed personality trait. So I'm in a tough spot here, because even if I try to find a partner who has secure attachment and is low on Neuroticism, there just won't be any chemistry between us. But whenever I meet an insecure woman who's high on Neuroticism, there is often chemistry between us, and if I pursue her, the relationship will usually be a disaster.

 

If my negative personality traits can't be changed, or can't be changed much, then perhaps an option for me is to just roll with it and pursue insecure, Neurotic women. The ensuing relationships will usually be disasters, but at least I can get some of my needs met for a short time in those relationships. And then I'll be able to stop feeling defective and lonely whenever I get rejected by an emotionally healthy person.

 

If being with an emotionally healthy woman isn't going to be an option for me because of lack of "chemistry" between us, it does seem like a reasonable option to pursue women who I know possess negative traits, and with whom I will feel mutual emotional chemistry, and to stay in those relationships until they become unacceptably destructive, at which point I will end them.

 

What do you think?

Edited August 18, 2016 by Wave Rider

[basil67]

I think there's something in this. A good friend of mine and her hubby work well together because of their mutual understanding of each other's gaps. I couldn't have a relationship with either of them (especially him), but because they have a greater understanding and acceptance of being different, it seems to work for them.

[preraph]

The hope is that over the years, therapy will help you slowly change from within. For example, let's say you were a woman in an abusive relationship because that's what was normal to her growing up. With a lot of work and self-realization either through therapy or just self-monitoring and introspection, one day she might become fully aware that her choosing these men is because her dad was one of those men and so she had a certain amount of coping skills and therefore comfort in knowing how to deal with them. Because that is what was modeled to her. But she might, once aware of that, also acknowledge it made for a terrible childhood and not want to do that to her kids and therefore resist any impulses she might have to choose another abuser, even if it meant not being with anyone. Because, yes, sometimes what you are physically attracted to is the worst thing for you, but without it, your motor just isn't running.

 

But not all people are stuck in that for perpetuity. Some get good and fed up with living that way and with taking crap from guys and require more of themselves and from others, and what they like changes to something better for them.

 

If you feel you have made no progress whatever on this matter, just be sure you have talked to your therapist about it and ask if there is any other approach that might work. What it tells me is that this aspect of you is hardwired in childhood and that is the hardest thing to change. Sometimes we can only change our behavior and not our urges.

[Ruby Slippers]

Like attracts like. If you want to attract more emotionally balanced partners, become more emotionally balanced yourself. You'll always attract women who are in a similar emotional place as you, and you'll bond over the shared feelings.

 

You choose what emotional place to be in, moment to moment to moment. You can choose to expand those moments to minutes, hours, days, months, seasons, years, and your whole life. You'll meet people at a similar point in the process of getting tuned in and staying there.

 

Your thoughts become your reality.

[anduina]

Since you're trying to improve, why not select a partner who's also trying to improve? This way, you not only understand each other but try harder to work towards having a healthy relationship.

[Weezy1973]

First off, excellent introspection OP. A lot of posters on here fail to acknowledge their own part in their relationship patterns so it's refreshing to see someone correctly place the responsibility on themselves instead of blaming others.

 

I liken your situation to one where say someone was brought up with seeing junk food as a reward. They are attracted to junk food, and really it's all they have a taste for. Healthy food isn't satisfying. So for these people it's a challenge to be healthy. There are a few scenarios that tend to happen for these people:

 

1. They just continue to eat junk food and become really unhealthy with many complications. They sacrifice their own well being for junk food.

 

2. They try to eat healthy, but it never really satisfies their cravings. They struggle back and forth for the rest of their lives, bouncing between eating healthy and binging on junk food. They're always in flux and therefore never move forward with their lives.

 

3. They try to eat healthy and eventually begin to crave healthy food and are repulsed by junk food. They are no longer tempted by junk food and go onto live a healthy life.

 

4. They try to eat healthy and do so even though they still crave junk food. They continue to make healthy choices over and over again even though at times it is a struggle. It becomes easier and more natural over time, but they still crave junk food. Kind of like a recovering alcoholic.

 

The main thing to note is that you are always in control of your behaviours. Not your thoughts, and certainly not your feelings, but your behaviours are totally within your control. If you make emotionally healthy choices (whether or not you're emotionally healthy) you will have an emotionally healthier life.

[Wave Rider]

Since you're trying to improve, why not select a partner who's also trying to improve? This way, you not only understand each other but try harder to work towards having a healthy relationship.

 

This would be a good situation. How would I identify one? Most people who are struggling and trying to improve don't advertise it.

 

 

4. They try to eat healthy and do so even though they still crave junk food. They continue to make healthy choices over and over again even though at times it is a struggle. It becomes easier and more natural over time, but they still crave junk food. Kind of like a recovering alcoholic.

 

 

This sounds like the most likely outcome for me. Most behavioral therapies, like CBT, don't have this as a goal, though. They try to eliminate the the thoughts and tendencies, which seems somewhat unlikely for me. I'm considering ACT.

 

Like attracts like. If you want to attract more emotionally balanced partners, become more emotionally balanced yourself. You'll always attract women who are in a similar emotional place as you, and you'll bond over the shared feelings.

 

 

I agree that we attract people who are on our same level of emotional composition. Becoming emotionally healthier is the ideal, but that may not always be an option, as I've talked about in my post on neuroticism. Contrary to what I was taught by Saturday morning cartoons and the public educational system, I can't necessarily "be anything I want to be" and I can't always "accomplish anything I set my mind to."

[Leigh 87]

I feel you on this one.

 

I am a little emotionally unstable. Very neurotic. On the spectrum a little (maybe a lot)...I am an SOMETIME "social" introvert...

 

I feel NO chemistry with men who are normal. As in, stable, reliable, saintly, emotionally stable and healthy, close to their families.....

 

I was so drawn to my current partner because we are both fcked in the head. Basically.

 

It was honestly a massive fluke... we were... emotionally unstable enough to be together happy most of the time..... with some dysfunction but not enough to outweigh the healthy moments, days, weeks....

So: I found someone that was emotionally as messed up as me so as to feel the FIREWORKS! Yet neither of us are tooooo emotionally.. ruined.... to rule out a happy relationship in the long run.

Too crazy for anyone else, enough of the "wrong" stuff to generate chemistry, yet not QUITE messed up enough to lead to guaranteed dysfunction, either.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I would sooner be single then settle for a totally emotionally healthy person, with whom I would have zero chemistry with. That is just the way it is. I would rather be single and have chemistry fuelled flings for life and gain fulfilment through rescuing dogs, overseas travel, my soon to be new professional career as a podiatrist.....

 

Then again, I am a bit of a dreamer and feel zero urge to enter into a "relationship" with a normal, boring person in my eyes.

Please just learn to make yourself happy; the mere fact you even MENTION being self aware or the need to " settle" with Miss no chemistry for the sake of having a warm body next to you at night, smacks of; you can do better (alone!).

 

Try and find someone with enough of the magic chemistry, yet who is not... toooooo messed up.

 

It is what I did and I have never (NEVER) been happier.

 

We have also made each other feel inspired to seek therapy once and for all - as we want to maintain what we have and not risk any of our crap ruining the relationship; we want to get healthier and happier together.

 

But not too much so as to destroy the wonderful chemistry that people like us thrive upon.

[Leigh 87]

Thanks so much for this.

 

I understand myself a little better now.

 

I hope you find your happy medium and that I have truly found mine.

 

I always live in fear that the disfunction that helped generate our amazing chemistry, is not our undoing.

 

The thing that gives me some hope - is that we both want to get better in my case. We both tell each other how much we look forward to a healthier happier life together, and have both recently made the decision to go to individual therapy.

 

I don't expect miracles for people like ourselves when it comes to relationships; What will NEVER happen, is us being happy with perfectly normal individuals who do not light our fires to any extent.

 

So. What shall it be? We grasp onto the 10% shot at finding Miss/Mr " crazy but not toooooo crazy", which will likely involve some trying times more than most relationships between "normal" people?

 

Or do we sell our souls for the sake of companionship and a REALLY healthy and great life on paper - when we will NEVER feel alive and actually living, with such a partner?

 

Is it even FAIR to any prospective partner, should they ever find out we feel passionless towards them? Men can handle it more so than us women - we want a man to fall head over heels for us, generally....

 

Men are transparent, OP; when a man is CRAZY smitten with us, WE KNOW! A woman with a healthy dose of self respect and who actually has options in dating will probably sense the lack of passion and dump you.

 

Sorry.

 

I know it is not great advice, but I believe people like us will be happiest going for the Miss/Mr dysfunctional that is still not so damaged that it rules out a relationship entirely.

[anduina]

This would be a good situation. How would I identify one? Most people who are struggling and trying to improve don't advertise it.

By dating or befriending people so you learn more about them. Sites like Loveshack with self-help advice might be places to seek others who are looking to improve.

[Weezy1973]

This sounds like the most likely outcome for me. Most behavioral therapies, like CBT, don't have this as a goal, though. They try to eliminate the the thoughts and tendencies, which seems somewhat unlikely for me. I'm considering ACT.

 

ACT worked for me. I'd recommend the book The Happiness Trap.

[Els]

What exactly are these dysfunctional behaviours?

 

I think people are often quick to pigeonhole anything that doesn't conform as the 'norm' as dysfunctional. In fact, less than three decades ago, homosexuality was considered dysfunctional. Other things have still yet to lose the stigma though.

 

Obviously, if the things you are doing are actually harming you or someone else, then it's dangerous to 'bond' over them and you would be better off trying to work on them instead. But if they are harmless quirks, I see no issue with it.

[Wave Rider]

ACT worked for me. I'd recommend the book The Happiness Trap.

 

Can you tell me what you did, what problems it helped with, and how it worked for you? I have the illustrated version of this book, which I think is adequate for getting started with ACT.

 

What exactly are these dysfunctional behaviours?

 

I think people are often quick to pigeonhole anything that doesn't conform as the 'norm' as dysfunctional. In fact, less than three decades ago, homosexuality was considered dysfunctional. Other things have still yet to lose the stigma though.

 

Obviously, if the things you are doing are actually harming you or someone else, then it's dangerous to 'bond' over them and you would be better off trying to work on them instead. But if they are harmless quirks, I see no issue with it.

 

Yeah, I know. Inasmuch as I probably don't have a clinically diagnosable mental health condition, I should be fine, right? That would be true if we didn't live in a competitive winner-take-all society, where you really need to get into the top echelon to have a hope of getting anything at all. That's true with material wealth, that's true with "fulfilling" jobs, and that's true with relationships.

 

An example is my graduate school admissions. I had to be in the top 15% of applicants to get into grad school here. So maybe if I was at the 80th percentile, I wouldn't be considered to be a dysfunctional physicist, but I also would not be considered to be good enough to get into grad school where I am. In a winner-take-all society, you can be considered "functional" while simultaneously being considered "not good enough."

 

So yeah, maybe for some people, their marriage wasn't dysfunctional, but it wasn't strong enough to last a lifetime, so they got divorced. Or maybe you had a "good enough" relationship with your significant other, and you had good communication and all that, but the passion in the relationship fell flat, so you broke up, even though the relationship wasn't technically dysfunctional.

 

And maybe I walked up to that woman and asked her out, and she didn't see anything "wrong" with me, but she also didn't see enough "right" with me, and she didn't feel the "right chemistry" so she rejected me.

 

So perhaps I don't have anything grossly dysfunctional in my personality. Or perhaps I do. But even if I don't, the bar has been raised such that yesterday's "good enough" is today's "Next!" So even small dysfunctions become a seriously liability.

[purplehydro]

I'm much the same way with people. It's so bad, that I can't actually talk to people who I don't feel have a deeper connection with me.

My only friends who I've actually liked have been extremely unstable people. Except for my two most recent friends. We'll call them K and J.

First of all, K has ADHD and really controlling parents. He's been hated by a lot of people because of his hyperactivity. I get along with him, because he has a slight understanding of depression and anxiety and insomnia. But, he's not suicidal. Despite his difficulties, he really is okay, because he's an introspective guy, and has an easygoing outlook on life.

J is a bit of a rebel, but he doesn't have any first hand experience with depression, anxiety or anything dark and horrible. But, because of the way he's raised and the people he's been exposed to, he's developed a weird understanding and compassion for people with depression and stuff. So despite being a super mellow guy, he gets that I'm not the happiest person in the world.

What I'm saying here is that I think you just need to find someone who gets you, but has positive traits that combat the negative. And it's totally possible to find these people. Or, maybe they'll find you.

I think maybe you could find someone who either had some problems, but has grown, and now has compassion for people like her. Or find someone who has a lot of friends like that, but no first hand experience with it themselves.

[Weezy1973]

Can you tell me what you did, what problems it helped with, and how it worked for you? I have the illustrated version of this book, which I think is adequate for getting started with ACT.

 

I had a severe social anxiety disorder to the point where I was agoraphobic.

 

The key to ACT is realizing the feelings / emotions are often not helpful. And we can control our behaviour despite our feelings.

 

So to keep on the food analogy. Just because we crave junk food doesn't mean we need to eat it because we know junk food is ultimately bad for us.

 

And this can be applied to every part of our life.

 

We can do homework even if we feel like playing video games.

We can socialize even if we're afraid of rejection.

We can exercise even when we're feeling tired.

 

Etc. etc.

 

Just because you're feeling something doesn't mean it's useful in any way. Once you gain control of your behaviour, rather than just letting your feelings push you in one direction or another, you gain control of your life.

 

This really worked for my social anxiety as I pushed myself to socialize even though I was afraid.

[anduina]

Inasmuch as I probably don't have a clinically diagnosable mental health condition, I should be fine, right?

If this is the case, why were you in therapy for years (17 different therapists)?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I had a severe social anxiety disorder to the point where I was agoraphobic.

 

The key to ACT is realizing the feelings / emotions are often not helpful. And we can control our behaviour despite our feelings.

 

So to keep on the food analogy. Just because we crave junk food doesn't mean we need to eat it because we know junk food is ultimately bad for us.

 

And this can be applied to every part of our life.

 

We can do homework even if we feel like playing video games.

We can socialize even if we're afraid of rejection.

We can exercise even when we're feeling tired.

 

Etc. etc.

 

Just because you're feeling something doesn't mean it's useful in any way. Once you gain control of your behaviour, rather than just letting your feelings push you in one direction or another, you gain control of your life.

 

This really worked for my social anxiety as I pushed myself to socialize even though I was afraid.

 

While the bolded is true, it made me miserable. I spent few years forcing myself to do things I didn't feel like doing. While on the surface my life improved, I felt like my soul died. For example, even after forcing myself to do social things when I felt tired or like I didn't want to, it still felt forced. I still didn't enjoy it. I became depressed and didn't even feel like waking up anymore if all I do is force myself to do stuff I don't want. What's even the point of life if you spend it struggling against being who you innately are?

 

Sounds to me like telling gay people that if they force themselves to enter straight relationships it's going to somehow stop them being gay.

 

We are all different, and while we may appear to have similar sounding problems, the causes are different. Some of have eccentric personalities without it being pathological.

[Wave Rider]

While the bolded is true, it made me miserable. I spent few years forcing myself to do things I didn't feel like doing. While on the surface my life improved, I felt like my soul died. For example, even after forcing myself to do social things when I felt tired or like I didn't want to, it still felt forced. I still didn't enjoy it. I became depressed and didn't even feel like waking up anymore if all I do is force myself to do stuff I don't want. What's even the point of life if you spend it struggling against being who you innately are?

 

Sounds to me like telling gay people that if they force themselves to enter straight relationships it's going to somehow stop them being gay.

 

We are all different, and while we may appear to have similar sounding problems, the causes are different. Some of have eccentric personalities without it being pathological.

 

Yeah, this will be a challenge for me. I can go out swing dancing even if I don't feel like it, but if I'm in a bad mood I won't be much fun to dance with and no woman is going to want to dance with me. I have the same problem with my scientific work. I can do the day-to-day work of science, but I won't make a big contribution unless I'm emotionally engaged to the point of being creative with it. I'm not saying ACT won't work, and I'm hoping that it does work. But it does seem that mood matters. It's the same with going to bed: I can get to bed on time, but if I have a lot of anxiety, I won't fall asleep.

 

And of course, I can't enter a relationship that's "good for me" with someone I don't really want to be with. She'll see that I don't want to be with her and call it off.

 

But I also can't accept my natural behaviors as they are, because the behaviors that feel most natural to me are often self-destructive. So I need to do something different.

 

There are some things I can use ACT for where mood doesn't matter, like going to lift weights, or doing household chores. In those cases, I can do something that's good for me even if I don't feel like it. I don't need to be in a good mood to take scientific data or work out, though I do need to be in a good mood to come up with new scientific ideas. But in situations where I do need to be in a good mood to be successful, like going dancing or trying to meet women, ACT may not be able to change my mood much. Or maybe it will.

[Wave Rider]

This really worked for my social anxiety as I pushed myself to socialize even though I was afraid.

 

So how did this work for you, in that people would be able to see that you were nervous or in a bad mood, and would therefore be turned off? For sure you can approach someone even if you're scared, but such fears are difficult to hide for very long, and most people, particularly women, can smell them a mile away. Did people respond negatively to your anxious internal state, even though you acted according to your values?

[randall]

To bond over shared dysfunctional behaviors both people would need to be mature and capable of tolerating the other person's emotional and psychological issues.

 

I don't see a problem with this for things like shy, introverted or anxious people. A lot of shy people prefer extroverted partners to help compensate for their lack of outgoingness, but some shy or introverted people are more comfortable with another shy person. However it'd probably be a terrible idea to pair up people with behaviours like extreme paranoia, cutting, or anything that stresses the people around them.

[Weezy1973]

While the bolded is true, it made me miserable. I spent few years forcing myself to do things I didn't feel like doing. While on the surface my life improved, I felt like my soul died. For example, even after forcing myself to do social things when I felt tired or like I didn't want to, it still felt forced. I still didn't enjoy it. I became depressed and didn't even feel like waking up anymore if all I do is force myself to do stuff I don't want. What's even the point of life if you spend it struggling against being who you innately are?

 

Sounds to me like telling gay people that if they force themselves to enter straight relationships it's going to somehow stop them being gay.

 

We are all different, and while we may appear to have similar sounding problems, the causes are different. Some of have eccentric personalities without it being pathological.

 

Right, well that's the part of ACT I didn't mention, which is figuring out your core values. Once you know those, then you behave in ways consistent with those regardless of your feelings. The lie people tell themselves is that their feelings are true and have special meaning.

 

So if they feel like eating junk food they will because surely that craving must be meaningful! But for most people the happiness is temporary (hence the Happiness Trap), and ultimately they feel worse because they don't like the way they feel and they don't like the way they look by having a constant diet of junk food. Their actual values are that they want to live a healthy life and they want to be attractive. But they're not living consistent with those values, but instead or behaving based on their feelings.

 

Put another way, it's often short term pain, for long term gain. As long as one is living by their values (which means living your life authentically) their will be ups and downs. Happiness, sadness, rejection, success etc. A full life involves all these emotions which is why we shouldn't just seek to be happy.

[Weezy1973]

So how did this work for you, in that people would be able to see that you were nervous or in a bad mood, and would therefore be turned off? For sure you can approach someone even if you're scared, but such fears are difficult to hide for very long, and most people, particularly women, can smell them a mile away. Did people respond negatively to your anxious internal state, even though you acted according to your values?

 

Well I think a lot of people did notice that I was nervous; they just didn't really care. And that's just a fact. Most people aren't too concerned with what's going on inside of your brain.

 

And the truth is, once you stop caring what other people think of you (quite frankly it's none of your business anyways), things get way easier. I'm dating someone new right now and the first question some people ask me is "does she like you?". I say - I don't know, and don't really care. She keeps saying yes to going out on more dates and that's good enough for me!

 

So anyways, to answer you question, the big thing for me was really thinking about my core values. What kind of friend do I aspire to be? What kind of son? What kind of romantic partner? What kind of employee do I want to be? What are my values concerning health and fitness? And after thinking about these things (and it can be hard!!) I wrote down my values and realized I needed to push past my fears if I wanted to live an authentic life based on my own values. And it was hard. Like almost pooping in my pants hard. But it slowly got easier, and without a doubt my life is fuller and richer today than it was back then.

[Wave Rider]

So anyways, to answer you question, the big thing for me was really thinking about my core values. What kind of friend do I aspire to be? What kind of son? What kind of romantic partner? What kind of employee do I want to be? What are my values concerning health and fitness? And after thinking about these things (and it can be hard!!) I wrote down my values and realized I needed to push past my fears if I wanted to live an authentic life based on my own values. And it was hard. Like almost pooping in my pants hard. But it slowly got easier, and without a doubt my life is fuller and richer today than it was back then.

 

So my question here is a variant of "What is the purpose of life?" If you live your life with the purpose of pursuing happiness (or in other words, positive feelings) then you'll end up miserable, I get that. But what is the purpose of pursuing a life according to your values, if not happiness? It seems like you're pursuing the same goals as before, but you're just telling yourself a slightly different story about your motivation for pursuing those goals. You still pursue relationships, but instead of pursuing relationship with the hope of achieving happiness, you pursue relationships because you value being in a relationship. But how is that different from pursing happiness? You still work to create friendships, but instead of telling yourself that having friends will make you happy, you tell yourself that you want friends because you value friendship. But why do you value friendship? Is it because friendship will make you happy? Now we're right back in the happiness trap.

 

So the question I'm asking is, what is the purpose of living according to your values, if the purpose of living according to your values is not to bring yourself happiness?

Edited September 3, 2016 by Wave Rider

[bummer]

And after thinking about these things (and it can be hard!!) I wrote down my values and realized I needed to push past my fears if I wanted to live an authentic life based on my own values. And it was hard. Like almost pooping in my pants hard. But it slowly got easier, and without a doubt my life is fuller and richer today than it was back then.

 

Pooping your pants is super easy if you relax. Yes you can squeeze and strain, but sometimes you're flexing the wrong muscles and if you just changed your posture and sat patiently, your body will know what to do.

 

 

So the question I'm asking is, what is the purpose of living according to your values, if the purpose of living according to your values is not to bring yourself happiness?

 

Wading into the meta weeds here:

 

Contentment, freedom from suffering, enlightenment, presence, or peace are other words expressing possible end goals of living according to one's values. "Happiness" is just a temporary emotional state by some definitions. The end goal of a value-based system is freedom from the heavy swings of emotions and into a true happiness that is more lasting and free of the push and pull of love/hate.

 

I get your transitive preposition that no matter what your goal is, the real goal is "happiness." If you therefore redefine happiness, can you find a way out of the "happiness trap?"

 

 

That would be true if we didn't live in a competitive winner-take-all society, where you really need to get into the top echelon to have a hope of getting anything at all. That's true with material wealth, that's true with "fulfilling" jobs, and that's true with relationships. ...

 

So perhaps I don't have anything grossly dysfunctional in my personality. Or perhaps I do. But even if I don't, the bar has been raised such that yesterday's "good enough" is today's "Next!" So even small dysfunctions become a seriously liability.

 

Relax. Hope of getting anything at all? What are your goals? Are you a scientist for the pursuit of science or for the pursuit of the societal badge of "successful?" Is your neuroticism helping you feel "fulfilled?"

 

I couldn't disagree more with your attitude towards the world as a winner-take-all carnage fest. Go to the mountains or to the sea, and find some freedom from your own caged mindset. Your good enough is awesome. You are you. That's it. No good, no bad, no good enough, no next, no liability, no dysfunction, no bs. You are you. Waverider is waverider. You are not the sum of your parts.

 

I know I sound like a stoned wingnut, but you're giving me anxiety reading your posts! Relax, poop your pants, and smile with the warmth!

[Wave Rider]

I get your transitive preposition that no matter what your goal is, the real goal is "happiness." If you therefore redefine happiness, can you find a way out of the "happiness trap?"

 

Yeah, any way you slice it, you're still looking for happiness, whatever you call it. You can call it values, satisfaction, relief from suffering, inner peace, or whatever, but there are all forms of "happiness."

 

Relax. Hope of getting anything at all? What are your goals? Are you a scientist for the pursuit of science or for the pursuit of the societal badge of "successful?" Is your neuroticism helping you feel "fulfilled?"

 

I couldn't disagree more with your attitude towards the world as a winner-take-all carnage fest. Go to the mountains or to the sea, and find some freedom from your own caged mindset. Your good enough is awesome. You are you. That's it. No good, no bad, no good enough, no next, no liability, no dysfunction, no bs. You are you. Waverider is waverider. You are not the sum of your parts.

 

I know I sound like a stoned wingnut, but you're giving me anxiety reading your posts! Relax, poop your pants, and smile with the warmth!

 

I think I might have found an answer to this. I'll post about in in self-improvement.