sammi_jay Posted July 3, 2005 Share Posted July 3, 2005 My boyfriend thinks i've cheated on him and it looks like i have even though i never. I went out on the town with some friends and ended up leaving early as i had a panic attack. My friends put me in a taxi and i rang my boyf as i wanted him to come over as he had been out with his friends. I constantly tell him i wont cheat on him and i truly mean it but after he wouldnt come over to keep me company, an old friend of mine rang and i let him come over. We dated about 2and a half yrs ago but only for 2 weeks but have recently kept intouch and are just friends. He came over and we talked, i went to bed leaving him on the sofa and i passed out in my bed. Next thing i know my boyf is at my house. I heard my front door go, but firstly just thought it was my friend leaving until i got up to look and noticed he was actually in my bed asleep. My boyf came up the stairs, i jumped up to stop him walkin in as i knew how it would look but it was too late. Now he thinks i've cheated and i dont blame him but i truly never. I asked my friend why he was in my bed and he told me he had woken up on my sofa not knowing where he was as he hadnt actually been to mine before, went to loo and then just got into my bed and fell asleep. I was wearing the clothed i had on the night before except for my skirt and all my boyf saw was a half naked guy in my bed. I love him so much i would never cheat on him but i know how it looks, how can i expect him to believe me. If it were the other way around i would think the same too but i know it was completely innocent regardless of how it looked. Advice is greatly needed as i cant eat or sleep for worrying that he is going to finish with me for somethin i havent done Link to post Share on other sites
AndrewJ Posted July 3, 2005 Share Posted July 3, 2005 That does not look good sammi. It all depends on how much he trusts you. What is your boy thinking? Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted July 3, 2005 Share Posted July 3, 2005 The problem is, you can't prove a thing - unless you were to take drastic, and I mean drastic measures. The only thing you can hope for is that your boyfriend wants to believe you. It is his decision to make the call on your perceived guilt or innocence. He will not require forensic evidence that sex has indeed occured - by the looks of it, he will likely judge that sex has occured. You can only hope. It might be the end of the relationship. It is not fair, but sadly life is not fair. Link to post Share on other sites
kittenhead Posted July 3, 2005 Share Posted July 3, 2005 I'm sorry-- I don't want to hurt you. But it looks so bad and I feel for you. I was in a similar situation many many years ago. But my BF at the time was very generous and loving and we had a long established relationship. And he believed me--because in part--he wanted to--also b/c he loved me and most importantly--he was confident in himself. but people have their limits. if something out of control has happenned once--I think its--ok to forgive. repeated scenarios are hard for some to accept and forgive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sammi_jay Posted July 3, 2005 Author Share Posted July 3, 2005 i keep tellin myself that if he loves me and trusts me he will want to believe me but i know his x cheated on him so even though i am innocent i dont think he will want to believe that he can trust me. The worst part is, my friend (who is no longer) can just walk away while my relationship falls apart because of wot he did. Part of me is starting to think that he wanted it to look like i cheated otherwise, why did he get into my bed and get undressed to his boxers knowing that i was hoping my boyf would turn up in the morning. Maybe he had an ulterior motive but that doesnt mean i cheated on my boyf nor does it mean that i wanted to either. Maybe i shouldnt have let him come over but i needed some company and knew that i wasnt doing anythin wrong even though it now looks like i have. Men and women can be just friends even if one fancies the other, that doesnt mean you reciprocate. I know i look so guilty and yet all i did was let a friend over who i've not seen in a long time and chat with him. I know i'm gonna lose my boyf. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted July 3, 2005 Share Posted July 3, 2005 Don't lose hope. He has not yet made a decision - as far as we know - , and even though his past might make you fear the worst, it is the past. You are a different person, and he may be well aware of your friends' possible ulterior motives. He won't disregard that altogether. Link to post Share on other sites
kittenhead Posted July 3, 2005 Share Posted July 3, 2005 protect what's yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sammi_jay Posted July 3, 2005 Author Share Posted July 3, 2005 unfortunately though my boyf is not even considering my so called friends ulterior motives, he's just hell bent on believing i cheated on him Link to post Share on other sites
kittenhead Posted July 3, 2005 Share Posted July 3, 2005 have you acknowledged how he feels and said why you understand? Link to post Share on other sites
shygurl Posted July 3, 2005 Share Posted July 3, 2005 Originally posted by sammi_jay unfortunately though my boyf is not even considering my so called friends ulterior motives, he's just hell bent on believing i cheated on him I doubt he's diggin' "believing" you cheated on him - nobody in their right mind would want/prefer to believe that.......but what he saw is what he saw. Sometimes in life you gotta look at the big picture ahead of time and try to make smart choices. Inviting an ex over to your house, after you've been out drinking/partying - when you're in a relationship with someone is just not smart. It's also possible your ex (the one who slept over) got the 'wrong idea' and thinks you invited him over and allowed him to spend the night because you were "interested" - I mean, come on....most women in relationships don't invite their ex over to visit late at night. And you say you woke up in the morning with same clothes on that you were wearing the night before - except your skirt - where was your skirt? How do you even know for sure you and your didn't "do something"? Link to post Share on other sites
shygurl Posted July 3, 2005 Share Posted July 3, 2005 I constantly tell him i wont cheat on him and i truly mean it but after he wouldnt come over to keep me company, an old friend of mine rang and i let him come over First off, why would you be constantly telling your boyfriend that you won't cheat on him? That's odd...unless you've done things in the past that have caused him to be concerned that you've cheated or WOULD cheat. People in healthy relationships don't go around assuring one another that they wouldn't cheat. I find it odd ,too, that out of the blue, this old friend/ex of yours would just happen to ring you up - just at a time when you "needed someone" - you sure you don't CALL HIM? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sammi_jay Posted July 3, 2005 Author Share Posted July 3, 2005 he was an x for all of 2 weeks so technically not really someone i would class as a boyf. I know i was wrong in letting him come over but there was no intention of cheating or doing anythin on my part. I hold my hands up to making a bad decision under the influence of alcohol and the reason i didnt have my skirt on was because i just it off to get in to bed and passed out with the rest of my clothes on. My so called x/friend knew about my boyf and that i was happy with him. If i really intended on cheating with him, then i wouldnt have left him sleeping on the sofa when i took myself off to bed alone. I was wrong in letting him come over, maybe i was naive to think he was just being a friend but i didnt in any way invite him into my bed or give him the impression i was interested in him Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted July 3, 2005 Share Posted July 3, 2005 Unfotunately, boys' brains don't work that way. That's a huge gender gap. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sammi_jay Posted July 3, 2005 Author Share Posted July 3, 2005 i reassure my boyf that i wont cheat because his x cheated on him and he believes all women cheat. I have not given him any reason to believe that he cannot trust me. When he calls and he is working away with work, he always asked who i'm with, wots that noise, have i got leroy and winston around, which he says he is only joking about but to me thats a sign that he is waiting for me to cheat, hence reassuring him. He is the one who goes away all the time, with TA and work yet i trust him to be faithful. As for the x, we have been intouch months before i met my now boyf and just chat online now and again, as for why he all of a sudden started calling, i dont know, i'm guilty for being naive and stupid to think he just wanted to be friends but i am not guilty of cheating on my boyf. Link to post Share on other sites
kittenhead Posted July 3, 2005 Share Posted July 3, 2005 listen--this is a hard lesson--the best way to love someone--to have them trust you is remove questions form the equation. Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted July 3, 2005 Share Posted July 3, 2005 You are neither guilty nor stupid, you just made a wrong decision out of your need for company. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sammi_jay Posted July 3, 2005 Author Share Posted July 3, 2005 yes, i have told him that i can understand why he doesnt believe me and how guilty i must look, but nothing happened nor did my friend/x try anythin,,,except for gettin in my bed while i was passed out. Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted July 3, 2005 Share Posted July 3, 2005 There's nothing you can do if he chose not to believe you. It becomes a trust issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sammi_jay Posted July 3, 2005 Author Share Posted July 3, 2005 i really wish i could find a way of makin my boyf believe that, but i know i cant and not only am i gonna lose him, he is gonna believe i cheated on him regardless of the fact that i didnt. I hate myself for bein so stupid and for making him feel he cant trust me Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted July 3, 2005 Share Posted July 3, 2005 You shouldn't hate yourself or anybody else hun. Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted July 3, 2005 Share Posted July 3, 2005 sammi_jay what you did is definitely not recommeded. How could you go to sleep at your bed with some one else being in your sofa or in your home. If he had come to visit you then you would have talked to him and then see him off before getting off to sleep. So what you did was definitely not correct. Now for your bf issue- I don't know how much you have chance to get his trust back, but tell him in the way that if you had any motive to cheat then why would you do it that openly and that too when bf was expected to come. Tell him the entire sequence of events that happened and hope for the best. It is tough and sad for you if your bf had an ex who cheated on him we all know 'once bitten twice shy' Good Luck , I wish the best for you. Link to post Share on other sites
kittenhead Posted July 3, 2005 Share Posted July 3, 2005 one of the problems is this: he was looking for evidence to confirm that you were cheating on him. Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted July 3, 2005 Share Posted July 3, 2005 Originally posted by kittenhead one of the problems is this: he was looking for evidence to confirm that you were cheating on him. Then one of the counter evidence could be this that no one is that naive to cheat that openly, if they want. Link to post Share on other sites
kittenhead Posted July 3, 2005 Share Posted July 3, 2005 yes--that is counter evidence and a good point. but it depends on the kind of person her boyfriend is. rational thinking doesn't always work--especially if its more important for him to be right and confirm his suspitions. he was looking before this incident for something. Link to post Share on other sites
shygurl Posted July 3, 2005 Share Posted July 3, 2005 Originally posted by kittenhead yes--that is counter evidence and a good point. but it depends on the kind of person her boyfriend is. rational thinking doesn't always work--especially if its more important for him to be right and confirm his suspitions. he was looking before this incident for something. Well regardless of whether he was looking before this incident, the fact of the matter is - we have a situation here where a boyfriend goes to his girlfriend's home, only to find some other guy there - barely dressed, in his girlfriend's bed - and she's not fully clothed herself. He could be the most trusting guy in the world but what he saw is what he saw and it didn't look good. Link to post Share on other sites
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