Lost. Is he guilty? Cheating? Something else??

[Veggieplatter]

I'm not sure if my spouse is cheating, or if my insecurities are getting the best of me.

 

I've previously been cheated on, for years without knowing, by an ex. Cheating is an especially painful and sensitive topic for me.

 

My husband and I just had a baby two months ago and he has been acting differently for around a month and a half. We have had some stressful issues involving our extended families, some communication issues for which we went to counseling and resolved, and he has recently had a big job change. My pregnancy was also difficult, leaving us both stressed.

 

He has been quite critical of me as a part of the behavior change. He seems to start arguments and is quicker to anger. He has called me names in frustration during the arguments, but apologized afterward. He has been emotionally distant (as have I, with the arguing) and I talked to him about this. He attributed the distance to the stress he is dealing with after the recent death of one of his grandparents, and has made an effort lately to improve. He has made improvements, like making time to take me out on dates and he has given me reassurance that he loves me. Despite these improvements, I still have doubt and believe there is more going on in the form of an emotional or all out physical affair.

 

Additionally, he has been a bit more secretive with his cell phone (taking it to the bathroom, keeping in his pocket) and has been working out and watching his diet carefully. I guess I have been, too, since having a baby and to try to get into shape. It just isn't like him to suddenly want to be fit.

 

I took this all into account - the behavior change, the sudden attention to appearance, his emotional distance - and decided to snoop a bit. I found nothing, really, other than an email confirming a lunch with one of his female coworkers which he told me was with his male boss. So, he lied about who he would have been with - but, as it turns out, the lunch never happened. He also met her at an evening event without my knowledge while I was pregnant without telling me. He wasn't alone with her as far as I could tell, but he wasn't forthcoming with me about her presence there.

 

Additionally, the two of them work together on projects often, yet he never mentions her to me when telling me about his day.

 

I asked him if he was trying to make improvements on himself in order to try to impress another woman. I also confessed to the snooping and explained why I did it to him, and he was very upset and changed his passwords which he previously had shared with me. I apologized. He was very defensive and told me he couldn't live with me questioning his character, but never outright denied an affair. He said he would never think of accusing anyone of such a thing without proof, which I obviously didn't have.

 

I'm so sorry this is so long, but I'm so so lost. His behavior points to something less than appropriate to me, and in my gut I feel something is wrong.

 

What should I do? Drop this, and try to earn back his trust because I snooped?

 

Does it seem sketchy, something I should worry about cheating over?

 

I can't tell whether my past is influencing my feelings or if I'm on to something here.

[sandylee1]

Why did you tip him off about snooping? You know a cheater would deny without hard proof. Now you will seriously struggle to get proof of anything.

 

Your husband was careful not to leave actual proof on his phone, hence he says he wouldn't accuse anyone without proof. His phone secrecy and other actions are certainly indicators of something.

 

Why tell you he's going to be with a male boss when it was a female coworker, unless he had something to hide.

 

You have a young baby and the last thing you need is to playing detective, but it is suspicious behaviour. If you weren't busy with a new baby I'd probably suggest you delve further, but you have enough on your plate.

 

♢ Carry on with the gym

♢ Try and keep calm and relaxed

♢ Keep looking good for yourself

♢ Get him to have the baby one evening a week and get out with friends.

 

Do you have access to his phone bill?

Could you check if any number appears a lot on there?

 

Does your husband know your phone and email passwords?

If he does then change them. Transparency works both ways in a relationship.

[Veggieplatter]

No, I don't have access to cell records.

 

I guess I told him because I felt guilty about snooping. Especially after I didn't find much "proof" of anything.

 

I just don't know what to think. I like your suggestions of keeping up myself and doing things I like to do. I'll do that.

 

I just never thought he would cheat so I guess I'm having a hard time seeing this for what it is.

[Space Ritual]

A new Baby

 

Cell Phone secretiveness

 

A mystery woman form work

 

Getting into shape out of the blue.

 

You've got a Mess O Potamia on your hands, young lady.

 

 

I think you snooping was the least of your worries...informing him you did it is the worst of your worries. He now has been forewarned you are onto him, and if he is in fact having an affair with this woman he will take it underground. At the very least he may cool off a bit towards her to throw you off the proverbial scent. He may become a little more over affectionate towards you in the near future to again obfuscate the truth. The email you found was his first mistep. He WILL make another eventually once he feels comfortable enough that you are none the wiser...so play stupid right now.

 

Eventually All cheaters get sloppy. They just do.

 

If he is on social media I would suggest having a looksee around it. If he has it closed up tighter than a drum with the privacy setting it would be concerning, especially if it was recent.

 

I'm sorry, but I have been on this forum for many years and what you describe is literally taken out of the Cheaters Handbook.

 

Right now I advise you to sit back and see if you can get any access to monitoring his social media or figuring out if he has a burner phone. Most likely it would be in a garage area where he keeps his "guy stuff" like tools, etc. Places where he would think you were too naive to go to.

 

Sorry this is happening to you but if you don't believe me about the commonality of his behavior read around these forums. Cheaters basically follow the same pattern with a few exceptions.

 

Just sit back and observe. Your gut feeling is probably right.

[Space Ritual]

I just never thought he would cheat so I guess I'm having a hard time seeing this for what it is.

 

Understandable. Rarely do we suspect that the person that is supposed to be our soul mate or best friend can or would betray us. It's always a hard thing to wrap our heads around. Just watch out for what I said before...over affectionate behavior from him in the near future.

[Veggieplatter]

Space ritual, what you said makes sense.

 

Thank you.

 

I did look into his social media, and found nothing. The privacy settings are as they always were. I looked at messages in all folders. Nothing incriminating for what it's worth.

 

I think I've already noticed some overly affectionate behavior from him.

 

Ugh this is just so heart wrenching.

[aileD]

I just posted this on someone else's thread, so I will just cut an paste here as it's what I'd say to you too.

 

But also want to say to you...I feel for you, it must be so hard to feel this way with a new baby and new life started...I do wish you the best.

 

here's my thought on this and it goes for you and every single other person who has said something similar:

 

 

 

If your significant other is private with their phone, you call them on it, and then they LECTURE YOU or complain about privacy or GET ANGRY at you for wanting to see, ...then the relationship won't last. Maybe they're cheating, maybe they're not but at any rate...they don't want you to see SOMETHING.

 

Now, if you notice, call them on it and they say "oh here see, come look...I'm just texting these friends and bla bla...no big deal but my privacy is important to me...if you want to know anything in the future just ask me".

 

Then that's different. But any person who gets angry and turns it into a lecture or turns it around on YOU....is just deflecting away from something they don't want you to see.

 

I honestly didn't read the rest of your post or any of the replies. This is just how I feel about the cell issue and didn't really need to go further to see that something is not right.

[Lois_Griffin]

Yeah, admittedly that was an amateur move confronting him too early. All you did was shoot yourself squarely in the foot, giving him a huge heads up that you're suspicious and were monitoring his coveted phone which he can't even go to the bathroom without.

 

That huge red flag ALONE is about as classic as it gets.

 

Hey, I'm not cheating on my husband. I leave my phone on the kitchen counter or on my computer desk in it's charger. I don't have to worry about secret texts or chat boxes or emails randomly popping up that my husband might see if he passes by my phone. Therefore, the idea of bringing it into the bathroom with me or keeping it in my pocket 24/7 is absolutely ludicrous - and completely unnecessary.

 

But that would be because I have nothing to hide.

 

And I'll bet you do the same exact thing with YOUR phone - leave it laying around in full view and unattended - because you have nothing to hide.

 

There's a huge difference between privacy and secrecy and it's painfully obvious he's being very secretive, devious and sneaky. I'm assuming this is a work phone since you don't have access to the call details/billing.

 

Before you told him you had snooped, you always had access to his phone. Maybe in the past you'd never gone through it, but the fact remained that you had full access to it - so he knew there was always a slight chance you might innocently pick go into his phone to look for a picture he'd taken with it, or to use it to call in a pizza delivery, or some other totally innocuous reason. And that possibility was JUST enough to keep him constantly diligent about deleting any and all evidence on the phone.

 

And that's why you didn't find anything really incriminating when you went through it. Not because he's a choir boy, but because he was thinking ahead and continually covering his ass, is all. Some cheaters are pretty arrogant and truly believe they're SO invincible that they won't get caught - they get sloppy and over-confident and leave all the evidence right on their phones. They're the fools that get caught. Your husband is too sly and too meticulous to have that happen to him, is all.

 

So the fact that you didn't find any texts or anything rally incriminating just doesn't MEAN anything.

 

The second possibility is that he and his office 'friend' are using another venue to keep in touch. Maybe there aren't any texts for him to delete because they're not using the texting features of his phone - maybe they're using a secret texting/calling app that's hidden on his phone or they're using one of the many chat apps out there (Kik, SnapChat, the list is endless) that work all over WiFi. These apps leave no evidence on his monthly cell bills for his company to question or find, should their 'friendship' ever become a problem for the company. They also eliminate the need for him to be constantly monitoring his text/calling history to make sure things are deleted.

 

So I repeat - just because you didn't find anything incriminating the one time you took a look really doesn't mean anything at all.

 

And his sudden more affectionate nature is just a lame attempt to smooth over your fears and delude you into thinking everything is fine. That's another classic cheater move. Truth is, if he had nothing to hide, he wouldn't have gotten all bent out of shape and changed his password. That just made it a little easier for him to continue his dishonest behavior and hide behind of a facade of self righteous anger while doing it.

 

It sucks and it's unfortunate, but if you want to be taken for a ride and lied to day after day after day, keep telling him how suspicious you are. If you want the actual TRUTH, stop telling him about your suspicions and allow him to think things are back to normal and that you've been placated into believing all is well with the world. Once he senses you're no longer hot on his trail, he'll relax a little and maybe make a mistake or get a little sloppy. This is where you start your evidence gathering and you DON'T tip your hand about it until you have something undeniable that he can't explain away like he's done so far.

 

And lastly, when a cheater knows you're onto them, they become paranoid. He knows you're onto him. They always like to stay a couple steps ahead of you so they're not blindsided. Therefore, he'll be going through your things to see what YOU'RE doing and what you're reading and what advice you might be getting, etc. etc. If you're smart, you'll remove all traces to this site and to this thread or I can almost guarantee you, he'll be reading it.

 

It's pitiful to have to be reduced to this in your own marriage, but when you're dealing with a sneak whose number one ambition is to delude you and deceive you, you can either choose to let it happen or protect yourself.

 

Good luck.

[smackie9]

Some men do get weird when is comes to pregnancy and when baby is around. They go through their own emotional stress. When baby arrives they feel neglected, and pushed aside because the baby now takes up the attention, and some cases lack of physical intimacy increases the stress.

 

As for the coworker...it's the same old same old emotional bonding, that turns into an emotional affair. He is using this coworker as an escape,.....it is so common place. Emotional affairs are like a drug addiction. Like drug addicts their way of thinking changes. They crave it, and make all kinds of excuses as to why they should have it...almost a self entitled need to be free of the stress, or have an escape. Some people get it in their mind that they deserve to have this emotional contact, and since there is no sex involved that it's not really wrong....it's just lunches, texting about work, etc.

 

You need to not take his BS. He lied to you about her, so it's obviously he's got something going on...confront him and don't back down. You have all the proof you need.

[BluesPower]

Yeah,smackie9 and several others are right.

 

You should not take this crap at all. Not that it is a guaranty against infidelity, but spouses should have no secrets no locked cell phones, or any passwords that are not know to the other spouse.

 

I am going to guess that he is cheating, it may be EA or PA but he is cheating at some level without a doubt.

 

You need to decide what you want to do. You can become a detective and find the proof that is there. It is not impossible but it will be more difficult now that you have tipped your hand.

 

This is a tough situation, but like it or not, you are going to have decide what you want.