CAN we be friends...or am I kidding myself?

[RockChick_Lestat]

Hello everyone,

 

Newbie here. I need some honest advice please...

 

Im a Single 40 year old woman. I've never seriously been the OW. There were 2 blurred lines in my 20's...co-workers, seemed quite natural to kiss on some occasions but it never went anywhere beyond that.

 

Fast forward to a few years later and having gone through some tough relationships with some 'broken' individuals which i'fixed'...only for then to move on and marry the next girl.

Married Men still seem very taken by me at times....as if I would be the one they would have chosen if only this...or that. But thats ok...its not the issue.

 

The issue is i met a MM a few months ago at a local Quizz Night through some friends. Genuinely nice all-round good guy. Not your typical 'broken' or troubled type i might have chosen in the past. (Been single nearing 7 years now).

Imagine my surprise when MM seems interested in me as a person. ( yes, i have low self-esteem...). Upon second meeting, same event, we kissed. It came very unexpectedly for us both.

He is not the cheating kind, told me he hasnt since married, and I dont usually end up with non-broken, nice, decent guys. I must mention here that through various sources, MM has a very difficult wife. Domineering etc. But thats the choice he made.

Neither of us quite know how we ended up connecting so quickly...i guess the drinks helped there! But we did. It was scary in a very nice way.

 

We have been speaking since...and some very open and honest discussions were had about likes, dislikes etc. Some appropriate, some not. But that levelled out after about 2 months and conversations turned into common interests etc. At no point ever was an affair suggested or instigated, nor was the wife ever discussed or bad mouthed.

 

Said wife then a few weeks ago saw a message I sent him. It was a funny meme. Bar the aforementioned kiss and initial talk 4 months ago, there was now nothing sinister going on. She did however send a message via our common friends that I should please stop sending him messages as he was married.

Well...I felt lower than low when i was told about this, took it pretty bad and felt like trash and SO embaressed infront of communal friends. He then found out via the friends about her message and reached out to apologize profusely. Wanted to take the responsibility for it all even I was the one who sent a message on a Saturday night and should have known better.

Surprise number 2 came when he then insisted that we stay friends. I was convinced he would never 'choose' our relatively new friendship over his wife's Hawk Eye but he explained that albeit we started off 'bad'...we had common interests and shared a unique taste in music. He wanted us to still talk and be friends. Said he believed we had a good friendship going.

 

I wont lie....up till recently i was secretly hoping and dreaming of him leaving her and being my happy normal after. But i am getting better and after seeing him again last night (first time since wife message) and everything is natural and just normal, know that we probably could be friends. I guess to some extend, as im sure me and Wife wont meet. Ever. Because im now 'that' woman that sent her hubby a message. So we wont be having BBQ's together on a Sunday.

He is technically not allowed to talk to me. But he said that he has made his decision about that. And thats that.

 

I think its worth keeping the friendship, albeit bit dysfunctional. I like him as a person. He ticks so many boxes. My want for him as a partner has subsided. Mostly. Im actually getting to know this guy bit more everytime i do see him, which is maybe every few months only. Message-wise its a Meme here or a You Tube link there. Nothing inappropriate. I do NOT want to become a bigger dot on her radar.

 

Am i kidding myself here? Surely a friendship cannot be doomed by a drunken kiss at the start...? Even if it was electrifying and you heard him whisper, 'Where were you 5 years ago?'.

 

A genuine friendship can last a lifetime. Do we even have a shot here???

[Lobe]

A genuine friendship can last a lifetime. Do we even have a shot here???

 

oh, he is the cheating type. exactly the cheating type. he does not want your friendship he wants your undivided attention and to be lavished with your admiration and loyalty

 

I don't have an answer, just a question. If he was YOUR husband, would you want YOU hanging around, or would you do the same thing his wife did? Did it ever cross your mind that her husband often strays and she has had to cull the flock before? He's 50% of the reason his wife is "difficult" - I don't imagine he has ever offered to introduce you to his wife? No? If you asked would he agree to set up a coffee for you and her? No? Well, there is your answer then.

 

RUN do not walk to the store and buy "NOT just friends" and read it. It will save you a world of heartache.

[RockChick_Lestat]

Thank you Lobe, I appreciate your insight and feedback very much.

Its food for thought. xxx

[CarrieT]

If you can meet his wife and openly joke about the drunken kiss than, sure, you can be friends.

 

If you are a dirty secret and you have sexual longing for this man, than - no - you cannot be friends.

[RockChick_Lestat]

Thanks CarrieT. I am the Dirty 'Friend' Secret.

I guess I have my answer. x

[Lobe]

Thank you Lobe, I appreciate your insight and feedback very much.

Its food for thought. xxx

 

Don't be his dirty little secret. I actually really encourage you to read the stories of the OW here and some stories from BSs over in the infidelity threads and you'll start seeing a very distinct pattern, which your new "just a friend" fits to a T. He sounds like a narcissist, which is why he comes off as confident and not "broken" but ask some of these ladies what it's like being on the receiving end of that attention... lol

[darkmoon]

is he using you to annoy his domineering wife with?

 

"if you must know, I am still seeing OP ...."

 

you are naive, OP, run ...

tell him to come back single!

[Lobe]

Chin up, disaster averted. I wish I had dating advice but frankly, I'm old and clueless... perhaps over in "dating" they can help you out

[Lobe]

is he using you to annoy his domineering wife with?

 

"if you must know, I am still seeing OP ...."

 

you are naive, OP, run ...

tell him to come back single!

 

tell him not to come back - if he's already fishing she's not the last person he's going to dangle his worm in front of!!! lol

[RockChick_Lestat]

Will do Lobe, thank you. Sounds like some value insight to be gained through reading some threads. For sure!

 

darkmoon, never thought about it that way! It might be his secret revenge for getting back at her for being domineering. He allows it though! But now he is using me. Sorry....he WAS.

 

NC from now on. I have to just get my head round it....

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hello everyone,

 

Newbie here. I need some honest advice please...

 

A genuine friendship can last a lifetime. Do we even have a shot here???

 

Probably not. It's hard enough to be friends with a guy without adding in you kissed him and his wife asked you to not contact him. You have to respect her wishes. Listen, I have issues with the guys I am friends with. They often are not forthcoming with their wives about female friends as their wives are "jealous and crazy." My H who knows everything about my life says to be careful as someone who hides you, is not a real friend.

 

I have a pretty good friend and I was also hidden. It really was just a friend and since he helped me with all my own drama (my reason for being on LS), I put up with it. But it pissed me off. I could not like anything he posted on FB, etc. However, now he filed for divorce and is dating. I asked him if he told his new girl about me and he said yes, she is okay with friends of the opposite gender.

 

But even so, if you are just a friend, you can't threaten the significant other. You have to respect that and his behavior is odd. Plus I am married, you are single. I enjoy hearing his dating adventures. You don't need to hear his married life. What a waste of your single time. Go meet single guys to be friends with.

[RockChick_Lestat]

Thank you MidnightB, i really appreciate you sharing your thoughts.

I am needing to hear this x

[loveisanaction]

No you can't go back to being friends because there is an attraction there. You keep spending time together and one day you will end up sleeping together, don't be naive.

 

His wife has already told you to back off from her man and the fact that her husband is deliberately disobeying that says a lot about his character and his blatant disrespect for her.

 

Also, stop texting him even if the messages are platonic in nature. His wife has already through mutual friends warned you once, if she sees another text message from you to him again she might decide to warn you face to face.

[privategal]

She asked you not to text her husband.

Do don't.

You were with friends when introduced.

You have enough friends.

Get your self esteem in check and stay away from your MARRIED friend. It's simple.

There is barely any time invested here.

Doesn't matter if he insists you stay friends, you should insist on having values that don't allow you to be the open and honest non secret friend at his Sunday barbecue.

End it. Your asking us what you already know.

[ChickiePops]

Well done nipping it in the bud! Sorry you're losing a friend but think of what you're hanging onto - your dignity, your happiness, your self esteem...the list goes on. Read up on some of the OW stories here..most of them are not happy stories. Most of the OW here are absolutely heart broken and miserable. You're avoiding that!

[RockChick_Lestat]

Thank you Ladies!!!!!

You're helping me tremendously.....the fog is lifting......the rose tinted glasses is clearing up.....much love to all xxx

[salparadise]

Fast forward to a few years later and having gone through some tough relationships with some 'broken' individuals which i'fixed'...only for then to move on and marry the next girl.

 

You fixed'em did ya? Only to have them marry the next one... poor thang, you deserve a prize for that.

 

Married Men still seem very taken by me at times....as if I would be the one they would have chosen if only this...or that. But thats ok...its not the issue.

 

A unique sort of allure, I'm sure... that is especially mesmerizing to MM.

 

Imagine my surprise when MM seems interested in me as a person. ( yes, i have low self-esteem...). Upon second meeting, same event, we kissed. It came very unexpectedly for us both.

 

Yes! Just imagine! But then with your unique MM allure what did you expect?

 

He is not the cheating kind, told me he hasnt since married, and I dont usually end up with non-broken, nice, decent guys.

 

Right. He's just a friendly sort of fellow, who happens to notice your unique MM allure. And he's not broken. Noted.

 

Neither of us quite know how we ended up connecting so quickly...i guess the drinks helped there! But we did. It was scary in a very nice way.

 

Yes, inexplicable, totally surprising and unexpected... despite the unique MM allure.

 

Said wife then... did however send a message via our common friends that I should please stop sending him messages as he was married. Well...I felt lower than low when i was told about this, took it pretty bad and felt like trash and SO embaressed infront of communal friends.

 

As they say, no good deed goes unpunished. It was just a text on a saturday night. His wife just doesn't understand what friendship is all about, does she?

 

Surprise number 2 came when he then insisted that we stay friends. Said he believed we had a good friendship going.

 

Oh, I agree completely. Almost like you grew up in the same country or something. Very good friendship going, yes indeed.

 

I wont lie....up till recently i was secretly hoping and dreaming of him leaving her and being my happy normal after.

 

NO! Say it ain't so, Joe! I am shocked.

 

He is technically not allowed to talk to me. But he said that he has made his decision about that. And thats that.

 

Ah, there goes that unique allure again... damn, you sure are mesmerizing!

 

I think its worth keeping the friendship, albeit bit dysfunctional. I like him as a person. He ticks so many boxes.

 

Dysfunctional how? Ticks which boxes? Unh huh. Got it.

 

My want for him as a partner has subsided. Mostly.

 

Unh huh. Got that too.

 

Am i kidding myself here? A genuine friendship can last a lifetime. Do we even have a shot here???

 

Not at all. What makes you think you're kidding yourself? You have the perfect basis for a genuine lifetime friendship. You might want to go ahead and get a restraining order on that domineering wife of his sooner rather than later. And maybe a cute little Rottweiler as a pet. Don't let a guilty conscience eat you up though... you have no control over that unique MM allure, and you're past due for a prize. Surely domineering wife will understand. You could explain it to her via text.

[ChickiePops]

You fixed'em did ya? Only to have them marry the next one... poor thang, you deserve a prize for that.

 

 

 

A unique sort of allure, I'm sure... that is especially mesmerizing to MM.

 

 

 

Yes! Just imagine! But then with your unique MM allure what did you expect?

 

 

 

Right. He's just a friendly sort of fellow, who happens to notice your unique MM allure. And he's not broken. Noted.

 

 

 

Yes, inexplicable, totally surprising and unexpected... despite the unique MM allure.

 

 

 

As they say, no good deed goes unpunished. It was just a text on a saturday night. His wife just doesn't understand what friendship is all about, does she?

 

 

 

Oh, I agree completely. Almost like you grew up in the same country or something. Very good friendship going, yes indeed.

 

 

 

NO! Say it ain't so, Joe! I am shocked.

 

 

 

Ah, there goes that unique allure again... damn, you sure are mesmerizing!

 

 

 

Dysfunctional how? Ticks which boxes? Unh huh. Got it.

 

 

 

Unh huh. Got that too.

 

 

 

Not at all. What makes you think you're kidding yourself? You have the perfect basis for a genuine lifetime friendship. You might want to go ahead and get a restraining order on that domineering wife of his sooner rather than later. And maybe a cute little Rottweiler as a pet. Don't let a guilty conscience eat you up though... you have no control over that unique MM allure, and you're past due for a prize. Surely domineering wife will understand. You could explain it to her via text.

 

Chill! She said she's not going to be friends with him, you don't have to beat her up. She posted here because she knew it was wrong..some people just need a little wake up slap.

 

I believe her that she's going to cut all contact. Let's hope I'm right.

[Ronnie33]

He's married and you guys kissed the second time you met. You were never friends. His wife knows about you and doesn't want you speaking and yet you both are sneaking around. Again, not friends.

 

Wake up. You are both interested in eachother and using the "friendship" as an excuse to hide behind.

 

You aren't fooling anyone but yourself. Get out now, or you'll be posting here in a few months from now, broken like the rest of us, who got into an affair thinking we would live happily ever after

Edited August 20, 2016 by Ronnie33

[MidnightBlue1980]

He's married and you guys kissed the second time you met. You were never friends. His wife knows about you and doesn't want you speaking and yet you both are sneaking around. Again, not friends.

 

Wake up. You are both interested in eachother and using the "friendship" as an excuse to hide behind.

 

You aren't fooling anyone but yourself. Get out now, or you'll be posting here in a few months from now, broken like the rest of us, who got into an affair thinking we would live happily ever after

 

Ronnie! Where have you been? What is going on???

[RockChick_Lestat]

Thank you everyone....I heard what I needed to hear.....and Im doing what needs to be done. Seems so simple now.

 

I posted on here asking for honest advice and thats what I got.

 

I wish all the best on their journey. Be strong and if you are not, ask for some help. Sometimes we get lost along the way but its amazing what you can accomplish with the kindness of strangers (well mostly!) who are willing to nudge you in the right direction

 

Thank you xx

[Poppy47]

Again, who gives a rat's about you.

 

I wish somebody would remove you.

[sandylee1]

Professor X,

 

I don't know what you're talking about and could you use paragraphs. I only read a few lines.

[Adoraxx]

It should be noted that I've upvoted every single person who's disagreed with me here, as far as I know. That said. In 7th grade, I took an SAT test without preparing for it at all, it was spur-of-the-moment, I knew about it about an hour ahead of time and didn't do any research or anything. I scored higher on it than the average person using it to apply for college in my area. An IQ test has shown me to be in the 99.9th percentile for IQ. This is the highest result the test I was given reaches; anything further and they'd consider it to be within the margin of error for that test. My mother's boyfriend of 8 years is an aerospace engineer who graduated Virginia Tech. At the age of 15, I understand physics better than him, and I owe very little of it to him, as he would rarely give me a decent explanation of anything, just tell me that my ideas were wrong and become aggravated with me for not quite understanding thermodynamics. He's not particularly successful as an engineer, but I've met lots of other engineers who aren't as good as me at physics, so I'm guessing that's not just a result of him being bad at it. I'm also pretty good at engineering. I don't have a degree, and other than physics I don't have a better understanding of any aspect of engineering than any actual engineer, but I have lots of ingenuity for inventing new things. For example, I independently invented regenerative brakes before finding out what they were, and I was only seven or eight years old when I started inventing wireless electricity solutions (my first idea being to use a powerful infrared laser to transmit energy; admittedly not the best plan). I have independently thought of basically every branch of philosophy I've come across. Every question of existentialism which I've seen discussed in SMBC or xkcd or Reddit or anywhere else, the thoughts haven't been new to me. Philosophy has pretty much gotten trivial for me; I've considered taking a philosophy course just to see how easy it is. Psychology, I actually understand better than people with degrees. Unlike engineering, there's no aspect of psychology which I don't have a very good understanding of. I can debunk many of even Sigmund Freud's theories. I'm a good enough writer that I'm writing a book and so far everybody who's read any of it has said it was really good and plausible to expect to have published. And that's not just, like, me and family members, that counts strangers on the Internet. I've heard zero negative appraisal of it so far; people have critiqued it, but not insulted it. I don't know if that will suffice as evidence that I'm intelligent. I'm done with it, though, because I'd rather defend my maturity, since it's what you've spent the most time attacking. The following are some examples of my morals and ethical code. I believe firmly that everybody deserves a future. If we were to capture Hitler at the end of WWII, I would be against executing him. In fact, if we had any way of rehabilitating him and knowing that he wasn't just faking it, I'd even support the concept of letting him go free. This is essentially because I think that whoever you are in the present is a separate entity from who you were in the past and who you are in the future, and while your present self should take responsibility for your past self's actions, it shouldn't be punished for them simply for the sake of punishment, especially if the present self regrets the actions of the past self and feels genuine guilt about them. I don't believe in judgement of people based on their personal choices as long as those personal choices aren't harming others. I don't have any issue with any type of sexuality whatsoever (short of physically acting out necrophilia, pedophilia, or other acts which have a harmful affect on others - but I don't care what a person's fantasies consist of, as long as they recognize the difference between reality and fiction and can separate them). I don't have any issue with anybody over what type of music they listen to, or clothes they wear, etc. I know that's not really an impressive moral, but it's unfortunately rare; a great many people, especially those my age, are judgmental about these things. I love everyone, even people I hate. I wish my worst enemies good fortune and happiness. Rick Perry is a vile, piece of **** human being, deserving of zero respect, but I wish for him to change for the better and live the best life possible. I wish this for everyone. I'm pretty much a pacifist. I've taken a broken nose without fighting back or seeking retribution, because the guy stopped punching after that. The only time I'll fight back is if 1) the person attacking me shows no signs of stopping and 2) if I don't attack, I'll come out worse than the other person will if I do. In other words, if fighting someone is going to end up being more harmful to them than just letting them go will be to me, I don't fight back. I've therefore never had a reason to fight back against anyone in anything serious, because my ability to take pain has so far made it so that I'm never in a situation where I'll be worse off after a fight. If I'm not going to get any hospitalizing injuries, I really don't care. The only exception is if someone is going after my life. Even then, I'll do the minimum amount of harm to them that I possibly can in protecting myself. If someone points a gun at me and I can get out of it without harming them, I'd prefer to do that over killing them. I consider myself a feminist. I don't believe in enforced or uniform gender roles; they may happen naturally, but they should never be coerced into happening unnaturally. As in, the societal pressure for gender roles should really go, even if it'll turn out that the majority of relationships continue operating the same way of their own accord. I treat women with the same outlook I treat men, and never participate in the old Reddit "women are crazy" circlejerk, because there are multiple women out there and each have different personalities just like there are multiple men out there and each with different personalities. I don't think you do much of anything except scare off the awesome women out there by going on and on about the ones who aren't awesome. That doesn't mean I look for places to victimize women, I just don't believe it's fair to make generalizations such as the one about women acting like everything's OK when it's really not (and that's a particularly harsh example, because all humans do that). I'm kind of tired of citing these examples and I'm guessing you're getting tired of reading them, if you've even made it this far. In closing, the people who know me in real life all respect me, as do a great many people in the Reddit brony community, where I spend most of my time and where I'm pretty known for being helpful around the community. A lot of people in my segment of the community are depressed or going through hard times, and I spend a lot of time giving advice and support to people there. Yesterday someone quoted a case of me doing this in a post asking everyone what their favorite motivational/inspirational quote was, and that comment was second to the top, so I guess other people agreed (though, granted, it was a pretty low-traffic post, only about a dozen competing comments). And, uh, I'm a pretty good moderator. All that, and I think your behavior in this thread was totally assholish. So what do you think, now that you at least slightly know me?

 

What I think is

a) you think you're smart

b) you're not

[Grapesofwrath]

RockChick: Glad you decided to post here and are heeding this hard-won advice. One other important take-away for you: The "cheating type" is anyone who cheats. Watch out for those wolves in sheep's clothing.

 

At the end of the day, actions > words. His actions show you who he is. His words can be deceptive, but the actions tell the tale.