My best female friend told me she's in love with me...Updated

[joeyjoejoe]

I'm a 40 year old male. I was married briefly in my 20s and then woke up and realized that I was too young and was in a bad relationship. I've had a string of a girlfriends here or there with lots of down time for the last decade or so. I live a good life, just haven't found the partner in crime for one reason or another, but I've had a pretty good run thus far, and I'm happy for the experiences that I've had in life to date.

 

I have a very solid group of friends (all around the same age). Many of us no longer live in the same city, but we get together a few times per year (take group trips) to different places. In general, I get along better with women. I've been that way my whole life. I'm more of a sensitive guy. To the casual observer, I may seem like a player, but in reality, I value deep conversation and building friendships with people. In general, women are better at that then men IMO.

 

I've grown very close to one of my female friends over the years. She's been with her husband for roughly 15 years. He's obviously also a friend of mine. She's one of those friends where we can sit and talk for hours. To her husband's credit, he tolerates this very well. He'll laugh at us and say "don't stay up too late you guys" and put himself to bed. We live in different cities, so we don't get to see each other that much.

 

On a recent trip, we had one of those stay up late talking nights. Her husband was not on the trip. The conversation got rather deep and ended up with her head on my shoulder consoling me. We didn't cross the lines in a bad way IMO. As I was putting myself to bed, she poked her head in my room looking very serious. She said "we've gotta talk about things tomorrow". I was caught off guard and said "ok".

 

The next day, I apologized that I was sorry if I did anything wrong. We somewhat snuggled after a deep conversation. I told her that I didn't want to interfere with her relationship or cause problems. She told me she can appreciate that, but that she thinks that the problems lie on her end. She said that she's been in love with me for years. She said if she's honest with herself, she has a deeper connection with me than her husband. If she could rewind the clock 15 years, she would have chosen differently.

 

I was a little shocked about this, but I guess not all that surprised either. But having it said to me was still shocking none the less. We discussed things a bit, as honest as we could be. Basically she feels like her life as is might be an 8, if it was me and her, it would be a 10. One one hand, that's selfish. On the other, you only live once, right? I pointed out that unraveling things would be messy. Her husband would be hurt and he doesn't deserve to be (he did nothing wrong and has been a good person all along the way). Inevitably, we'd lose friends, or at a very minimum cause awkwardness if we were to go down this path. I mean, people do this, but do we really want to be those people?

 

On the flip side, she's right. She told me that she's been questioned by mutual friends over the years (I had no clue) just because the two of us are always smiling and laughing and having a good time. I think her words were "we are blatantly in love with each other and everybody knows it". I guess it's just a question of how we handle it, and it has always has been friendship love, but now that all of this got thrown out on the table, I'm not sure what you call it.

 

We left things pretty much as having no clue where to go from here, if anywhere. Nothing may every become of it. In my opinion, if it does, it needs to be well executed, if that's even possible. I really don't want to hurt people (which seems impossible).

 

If I'm to summarize my internal turmoil: I've been searching for the ideal relationship for a long time. It's obviously right in front of me, but I've always kept that separate as "not an option". Now that I know it might actually be, I don't really know how to handle it.

 

What do you have to say about all of that?

[JewelD]

I don't think it's worth it. I truly believe you will lose her the same way you got her. She liked this man enough to be married to him for 15 years and look how she's treating him. Messing around with you behind his back. If her marriage sucks, she should have ended it, not try to date while she's still in it.

 

So her marriage is an 8. She cannot say it would be a 10 with you because yall aren't married. She probably thought her husband was great before they got married and then after years of sharing a home, building together, paying bills, families, other married people things, things changed for her. Maybe the spark wore off or she just got bored.

 

What makes you think that wouldn't happen between the two of you? And then on top of being single, you will have alienated your friends.

 

I would leave this alone and leave her alone unless you're prepared for your life to be all types of messed up. You said you are friends with her husband, how do you think he's going to react? 15 years and you're trying to date his wife, you might get beaten to a pulp or shot and killed.

 

Is she worth all that?

[joeyjoejoe]

First off, there's no messing around. Have never kissed her or crossed any lines. There are no children involved, nor are their plans to have any (none of us want to reproduce). This was more of a "what if" discussion.

 

Honestly, I think her husband would initially be pissed, but he'd understand it long term. I don't know the inner workings of their relationship. It's not something that we really ever discuss because I'm friends with both of them and it's not something that I can ever give advice on.

 

I don't think it's anything that either of us planned (certainly I didn't). I think people change between their mid 20s and 40. Divorces happen all the time. I'm not the same person I was 15 years ago. I think if I dated her 15 years ago, I'd probably have blown it because I was young and dumb.

 

I think a great deal of my friends would understand, because they're my friends.

[JewelD]

First off, there's no messing around. Have never kissed her or crossed any lines. There are no children involved, nor are their plans to have any (none of us want to reproduce). This was more of a "what if" discussion.

 

Honestly, I think her husband would initially be pissed, but he'd understand it long term. I don't know the inner workings of their relationship. It's not something that we really ever discuss because I'm friends with both of them and it's not something that I can ever give advice on.

 

I don't think it's anything that either of us planned (certainly I didn't). I think people change between their mid 20s and 40. Divorces happen all the time. I'm not the same person I was 15 years ago. I think if I dated her 15 years ago, I'd probably have blown it because I was young and dumb.

 

I think a great deal of my friends would understand, because they're my friends.

 

You said it yourself "inevitably, we'd lose friends". Now you're saying they'd understand?

 

It doesn't matter if it was planned or not, that's somebody else's wife. and you cannot say what he would do because you obviously aren't that close or you wouldn't be considering a relationship with his wife.

 

I say 'messing around' because you're doing things you wouldn't do in front of her husband and you probably will mess around at some point in the future now that you've declared your feelings for each other.

 

You don't know what your future is with this woman because you only know her as a friend. People are different in relationships, even more different when you live together, and even more different when you're married.

 

The universe is not going to give you somebody else's wife. Nobody is destined to be with a married person, they choose that and it usually doesn't end well for them.

 

If you want to be with her, tell her to get a divorce and let her take some time to herself. Then see if she still wants to be with you. She might be attracted to you because you don't see each other often and you're that elusive thing she wants to capture. Once it's out in the open and the 'forbidden' love is no longer forbidden, she may feel differently.

 

But overall, it would be a bad thing to do and something bad would most certainly happen to you for doing it.

[planning4later]

I'm warning you...

 

People act different when you don't live with them on a daily basis. Many men have been in your exact position, thinking that they get along so well with a female friend and if only they could have married her and not their current wife. It always ends in disaster. Unless your current relationship involves infidelity or is significantly abusive, you are playing with fire. Think carefully.

[kgcolonel]

First off, there's no messing around. Have never kissed her or crossed any lines. There are no children involved, nor are their plans to have any (none of us want to reproduce). This was more of a "what if" discussion.

 

Honestly, I think her husband would initially be pissed, but he'd understand it long term. I don't know the inner workings of their relationship. It's not something that we really ever discuss because I'm friends with both of them and it's not something that I can ever give advice on.

 

I don't think it's anything that either of us planned (certainly I didn't). I think people change between their mid 20s and 40. Divorces happen all the time. I'm not the same person I was 15 years ago. I think if I dated her 15 years ago, I'd probably have blown it because I was young and dumb.

 

I think a great deal of my friends would understand, because they're my friends.

 

The idea of "We didn't cross the lines" I think you both are kidding yourselves. How would this picture have changed if her husband were there with you? If it would have changed, you've crossed the line.....

 

You my friend are out of bounds and should respect your buddy. Honor the Bro Code!!!

[standtall]

Well, the line has done been crossed already. If you continue on, then you become "that guy". This is why, with a few exceptions, that men and women cannot just be friends if their not related.

 

BTW, the 10 is an affair 10, get married and deal with the marriage BS, and that 10 becomes a 4.2 within a year.

 

With that being said, it sounds like this is going to be a lesson you learn the hard way.

[sandylee1]

So you didn't cross a physical line, but you know this isn't a great situation.

 

I just don't think it's going to be worth it in the long run. The upset to her husband, that he trusted the two of you and then there's the way you'll be judged.... and it's not like she has a bad marriage. People will think it's been going on for years.

 

It's just that she fancies you. She really should have not come on this trip alone knowing how she felt about you.

 

You say her husband will be okay? Would you be okay if your wife left for her friend and you thought you had a good marriage? He'll end up with trust issues and feel a massive betrayal from the both of you.

 

Don't be that guy. I think you're a better person than that.

[mikeylo]

It's the forbidden fruit theory.

 

You are single. She is married. Once she files for divorce , things will pan out alright. Till they are not living separate and it's not filed , you are the side toy.

[SevenCity]

She has emotionally cheated with you and will likely do it to you once she gets bored.

 

The daily grind of paying bills, going to work, doing the laundry is a far cry from being on vacation. Do you really think the dynamic won't change?

 

And honestly, I think most people would be ecstatic if they could say their marriage was an 8 out of 10.

[hl1962]

Simon Cowell comes to mind.

[aileD]

The next day, I apologized that I was sorry if I did anything wrong. We somewhat snuggled after a deep conversation. I told her that I didn't want to interfere with her relationship or cause problems. She told me she can appreciate that, but that she thinks that the problems lie on her end. She said that she's been in love with me for years. She said if she's honest with herself, she has a deeper connection with me than her husband. If she could rewind the clock 15 years, she would have chosen differently.

 

bla bla bla they all say this.

 

If she feels that way for real, she'll leave her husband and then you can be together. Since "unraveling things would be messy", this is unlikely to happen which means you're setting yourself up for a disaster. Hell. years of dysfunction.

 

GTFO of there. You shouldn't even be friends with her AT ALL. Tell her to call you someday if she actually gets divorced.

 

Seriously, these are people's lives. Sure..people fall in "love", BLA BLA BLA..SHE"S MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE. you don't go ANY FURTHER there is nothing to "contemplate". There's not "not sure where to go from here".

 

SHE'S MARRIED. SHE IS OFF LIMITS and if she's pursuing you when her marriage is an 8. Then someday when you become an 8, who's she going to pursue then?

[Formerfiveo]

If she really wants to be with you, she will divorce her husband.

 

If you really want to be with her, as opposed to sharing her with her husband, you will wait to pursue a relationship until she is single.

 

Otherwise, it's just words and cake eating.

[Miss Clavel]

 

 

 

The next day, I apologized that I was sorry if I did anything wrong. We somewhat snuggled after a deep conversation. I told her that I didn't want to interfere with her relationship or cause problems. She told me she can appreciate that, but that she thinks that the problems lie on her end. She said that she's been in love with me for years. She said if she's honest with herself, she has a deeper connection with me than her husband. If she could rewind the clock 15 years, she would have chosen differently.

 

 

 

What do you have to say about all of that?

 

she has gone behind her husband's back and betrayed him by discussing him with you. again, behind his back.

 

that's why i'm divorced. because my wasband discussed me and mine and us with her. friends, lovers, family, spouses never talk about each other to outsiders behind their back. if she wants out of her 8ball sham, she's got to leave him. under her own steam.

 

she's a chicken. she wants to make sure she's got her ducks lined up for after. mixed metaphor aside.

 

if you help her leave her husband, if you persuade her or pressure her in any way, and it doesn't work out between you, she will throw it in your face.

 

has she said what she's going to do next? has she told her husband she wants to separate? has she moved out of their bed? out of their house?

 

what is she doing to honor what she says you two have? actions speak...you know the rest.

[Lobe]

Have never kissed her or crossed any lines.

 

Snuggling a married woman who tells you she's always been in love with you is not crossing a line? Puh-leez.

 

Look, do everyone a favour, especially her husband who you claim is "your friend" and back off. When/if she divorces her husband, you can talk about a relationship. If she's just looking for an exit affair, you're going to get destroyed and so is "your friend" her husband. Put your d*ck back in your pants and send her packing.

[Juno]

You said it yourself "inevitably, we'd lose friends". Now you're saying they'd understand?

 

It doesn't matter if it was planned or not, that's somebody else's wife. and you cannot say what he would do because you obviously aren't that close or you wouldn't be considering a relationship with his wife.

 

I say 'messing around' because you're doing things you wouldn't do in front of her husband and you probably will mess around at some point in the future now that you've declared your feelings for each other.

 

You don't know what your future is with this woman because you only know her as a friend. People are different in relationships, even more different when you live together, and even more different when you're married.

The universe is not going to give you somebody else's wife. Nobody is destined to be with a married person, they choose that and it usually doesn't end well for them.

 

If you want to be with her, tell her to get a divorce and let her take some time to herself. Then see if she still wants to be with you. She might be attracted to you because you don't see each other often and you're that elusive thing she wants to capture. Once it's out in the open and the 'forbidden' love is no longer forbidden, she may feel differently.

 

But overall, it would be a bad thing to do and something bad would most certainly happen to you for doing it.

 

Preach on! This is so true.

[Juno]

She has emotionally cheated with you and will likely do it to you once she gets bored.

 

The daily grind of paying bills, going to work, doing the laundry is a far cry from being on vacation. Do you really think the dynamic won't change?

 

And honestly, I think most people would be ecstatic if they could say their marriage was an 8 out of 10.

 

Yes! Yes! Yes!

[rainbowsandkittens]

Were you interested in her before she confessed her own feelings? Because from your original post it seems like you just saw her as a good friend until she told you that she cares for you. Unless your feelings for her are very very strong it really isn't a good idea. You'd be alienating so many people for what feels like a whim.

 

And I agree that an 8 after 15 years is pretty darn good!

[Juno]

@Joeyjoejoe

 

It appears if she didn't make the first move you would not have even been contemplating this.

 

I have found myself in a similar situation recently with someone I have always gotten along with very well. I was completely satisfied maintaining our friendship until he threw a monkey wrench into one of discussions and asked me if we could discuss "us".

 

Without going into much details I convinced him that our ship had sailed because he is happily married. I told him I will always be fond of him and that I cherish our close friendship. We hugged it out, but I am putting some space and distance between us. I strongly suggest you do the same. It is not worth the hurdles you will have to jump to be together.

 

If in the future she leaves her husband without any encouragement from you, then that would be the time to pursue her.

 

Don't go down that rabbit hole.

[loveisanaction]

She is suffering from GIGS….Grass is Greener Syndrome.

 

This woman has no idea how lucky she is; a good husband and family yet she is still not satisfied.

 

Not getting involved with someone who is already married/committed to somebody else is love; staying away from a married/committed person because not doing so would cause irreparable damage to their lives and to the lives of those around them is love; respecting healthy boundaries with a married/committed person because knowing that if you don’t the guilt and the shame of what you are doing will eat away at the both of you is love.

 

Love is not in taking it is in giving.

 

Many people prefer to not acknowledge this because it feels so good to take but not so good to give.

[anika99]

Were you interested in her before she confessed her own feelings? Because from your original post it seems like you just saw her as a good friend until she told you that she cares for you. Unless your feelings for her are very very strong it really isn't a good idea. You'd be alienating so many people for what feels like a whim.

 

And I agree that an 8 after 15 years is pretty darn good!

 

Lol....I know right. It's like the OP didn't know he was in love with her until she told him.

[FlyingHighAndLow]

OP, I would approach this from a different perspective.

 

The thing is, do you really really want this lady, based on your post I was under impression you were fine with the friendship you guys used to cherish before she confessed her feelings to you.

So if your answer is yes, please bring into picture that it would mean betraying your friend and his trust, loosing or alienating other friends from your circle and ultimately creating a huge mess out of your life, the same applies to hers.

Then if the answer is "yes, she is really worth it" do go for it but accept responsibility for your actions and the havoc they would likely cause - your life ain't be the same again, never.

The reason I'm saying this is rather simple, the older we get more we acknowledge how short our life actually is, therefore my personal conclusion is that we should spend it doing things we really want and long after while accepting responsibility for doing so...

Additionally I must say that in a situation a bit similar to yours it took me queit a while to gather my act together and answer this question, admittedly my considerations were mostly about the money and loosing my status in the community etc and not the moral obligations, well whatever it was my answer was "yes, she's that only thing I want" so I'm facing that hell I brought into very existence with my choice every day, but no I do not regret it as I love her and that's what really matters to me, in the very end.

Make up your mind.