Tension with work colleague, both in committed relationships - what does this mean?

[Aloneuk]

Hi

 

I posted on another board about my marital issues but think I need some advice on my current situation with a co worker. I'm so confused

 

I'm in my 30s, been married a year but with him for nearly 8 years. Relationship was brilliant for first 4 or so years, but last 4 have been harder. He is away a lot for work, a workaholic when he is home and we have drifted apart. Our sex life has dwindled and I feel our connection is going if not gone. However we do get on well day to day, no arguments etc. Just our spark seems to have vanished.

 

Just after we married I started a new job. One of the guys that interviewed me (head of department) was nice and attractive but I thought no more of it - I had just got married and was busy learning my new job. Our relationship has always been just work colleagues - I can't even say that we were friends although we always got on well in meetings, when working together, and chatted occasionally about personal lives, plans, holidays etc. He is my boss's boss so more superior in the company. A month or so ago we had a work night out (first one together) which ended in the most awful cliché - he made a couple of passes at me at the end of the night when we were on our own and about to go home. I stopped anything happening (although if I'm honest I was tempted to kiss him). He also said how beautiful I am, how great I am, etc etc. I told hom he would regret this and feel stupid at work on Monday morning and he drunkenly said he wouldn't.... Of course not!

 

The next day, I got a text from him profusely apologising. We then discussed what had happened /nearly happened over text, phone call and in person over the next week or so. It was the alcohol, we are both in committed relationships (he has been with his partner for 20 years), we can be adult about this etc. That we are decent people and feel awful about what nearly happened but nothing actually did and we need to learn from the mistake and concentrate on our respective relationships. I admit I struggled with the guilt, and why/how this happened (I have never been unfaithful in any relationship and he says the same) and we discussed this a couple of times via text and in person. We agreed it had happened out of the blue and there was no rational explanation. He also said he was mortified because nothing like that had ever happened in his personal or private life. I tend to believe him from knowing him and his reputation through work, he seems to be a decent guy. I had asked to speak to him once face to face about 10 days after and had been open with him about how I felt awkward around him since and was finding the situation difficult and was struggling with getting past the guilt. He said he had felt the same but had managed to compartmentalise it now and move on and gave me advice on how he had managed it. We agreed to put it behind us and he said if I ever needed to talk about it again, I should feel free to call him. Since then things have been back to normal although I am much more conscious of him in the office and our interaction.

 

A month later there was another work drinks do. We joked before that we would need to make sure we didnt drink as much and went home at a reasonable time, and that this can be a 'do over' from the last time. We both agreed it would be a good opportunity to put things right.

Early in the evening he came over to me at the bar and said something really odd about relationships. That there were different levels and there were those at the top who you were closest too but then other degrees of relationships and feelings. I didnt know what he meant but it was time to take drinks to the group so I didnt ask any more. I had wondered if he was trying to talk about what happened between us. He had been drinking for a couple of hours at this point.

 

The whole night was fine til the end when he decided he needed to leave straight away out of the blue. We both are the only ones from the group to use the same train to get home and I didnt want to get train in the dark on my own (I had assumed that would be how we would get home as that happened last time, although nothing was discussed beforehand). So I followed him out of pub, flagged him down and said I was going home now too. He seemed really annoyed at this, said something like 'I knew this would happen' and indicated he had left quickly to prevent this?! I said I didnt understand what he meant, that I just wanted to get the train home with someone so not on my own and we are the only ones travelling that way? He seemed to imply that I left to see him and was trying it on with him. I said it's normal that colleagues would get the train home together, that its stranger that he left without seeing if I was going that way home, and he said 'well that's because I'm such a w***er'. I'm not sure where that came from so I tried to lighten the mood and joked that I didn't want an affair with him or anything, just to get safely home. We walked to station and I tried to reassure him that I had moved on from that previous night out and its all water under the bridge.

 

Whilst we were waiting for train he mentioned that his texts and emails were being monitored - I was confused why he bought that up so I said well how else would I communicate with him if i needed to (I wasnt sure if he meant work stuff or not)? He said we needed to speak face to face. I said there was nothing to talk about about that other night and that we hadnt been in contact like that for some time so there was no reason to worry (I don't have his personal cell number just his work one). I said it was forgotten about, and asked him if he was ok and had done the same. He said yes and he'd been able to quite quickly in a day or so, I said really that's good? Then he said something like 'well maybe not'.

 

He seemed in a really odd mood, I asked if he was ok and he said that I was really astute (presumably me picking up that something was wrong) but he wouldn't elaborate. He then said that I was a really great person but he was in a relationship. I asked him why he was saying this, that this had all been sorted and I thought we had moved on. I think he said that he was trying to let me down?! I said that he didnt need to do that, it was all forgotten. On the train he kept saying 'come on, you need to be honest with me'. I said I didn't know what he meant, and he said 'yes you do, tell the truth'. He said that he was with his partner and happy with her and 'you are happy and have everything you want so why are you doing this?' I really didn't understand what he meant or what I was supposed to be doing and told him that. He then tried to take hold of my hands. I said I really don't understand this and he is the one giving mixed messages with him trying to hold my hands.

 

I admitted at this point I had been really confused immediately after that first night but I thought we had talked it over and moved on. He again said come on, be honest, you know what I'm talking about?

 

When we were on platform he asked if we could have a goodbye hug. He had a strange expression on his face after so I asked if he was ok and he said something along the lines of 'just questioning everything'. I asked what he meant and he wouldn't say. I said if any of us is giving mixed messages its him.

 

I said I was concerned that all this stuff from tonight was going to cause problems/tension between us at work yet again and do we need to discuss before I go home to clear the air? He said no.

 

We then hugged again as I was about to go and he stroked my hair. I pulled away and said 'what are you doing?!' I think I was surprised and shocked by the intimacy of the gesture. He asked why I had a problem with it and I was reading too much into things 'again' and so what, he had only stroked my hair. I was annoyed and asked if he would hug XXXX (a female co worker) like that and stroke her hair? He said yes then I made a sarcastic noise as if I didn't believe him and he admitted 'no, I wouldnt'.

 

I then just said 'fine' and walked off under not the best circumstances and he got on the train. This was last night and I cant stop replaying the conversations in my head. I really don't understand whether I am somehow giving him mixed messages that I want something to happen, or what. I have no idea what he is thinking because I feel he says one thing, then implies something else, then does something completely different!

 

I'm upset because I found it difficult to move past the first night, as I think I have started looking at him differently since then. However I just felt I was about there and things were back to as normal as they could be, and now this.

 

What do you think of his actions? Is he not interested but just drunk? I have no idea. And what do I do now? My gut is that I leave it and make no contact with him and see if he makes contact, and try and avoid him as much as possible. I think I do have feelings for him but would not act on them as I would never be unfaithful or put his partner through that.

 

Any advice on what might be going through his head, or how I should act now would be much appreciated.

 

Many thanks

[JewelD]

What's going through his head is that he wants to cheat but knows he shouldn't.

 

Since you don't want to be unfaithful, leave this man alone. You have feelings for him so there is no need for you to be hanging around with him.

[Aloneuk]

Thanks.... What do you make of his actions? That he is in a very long term relationship and perhaps wants his cake and eat it?!

 

I am confused as I have been questioning my marriage and relationship anyway for some time and now this.

 

Could there be a connection between me and this guy that we are trying to deny because we are in relationships? Or am I reading too much into it? I don't understand his actions at all....

 

Thanks

[ChickiePops]

Thanks.... What do you make of his actions? That he is in a very long term relationship and perhaps wants his cake and eat it?!

 

I am confused as I have been questioning my marriage and relationship anyway for some time and now this.

 

Could there be a connection between me and this guy that we are trying to deny because we are in relationships? Or am I reading too much into it? I don't understand his actions at all....

 

Thanks

 

Sorry but I don't buy your naive act. You know exactly what he wants, you know exactly why he keeps stopping himself, you know exactly why he thought you followed him out the door..you don't appear to be stupid so quit pretending. Nobody is going to encourage you to pursue this guy.

 

Yes, it does sound like you two are sexually attracted to each other..so what? It happens. No, you should not act on it. There's a very easy solution - stop putting yourself in situations where you're alone with him. Next time, take a cab home.

 

If you're having marital troubles, an affair is not going to fix them.

[Aloneuk]

Sorry but I don't buy your naive act. You know exactly what he wants, you know exactly why he keeps stopping himself, you know exactly why he thought you followed him out the door..you don't appear to be stupid so quit pretending. Nobody is going to encourage you to pursue this guy.

 

Yes, it does sound like you two are sexually attracted to each other..so what? It happens. No, you should not act on it. There's a very easy solution - stop putting yourself in situations where you're alone with him. Next time, take a cab home.

 

If you're having marital troubles, an affair is not going to fix them.

 

I appreciate your comments but my 'naivety' isnt an act, and its not naivety but sheer confusion. I am genuinely confused about the situation and how we have found ourselves here. I won't ever have an affair but this has made me question my marriage as it has been on the rocks some time. I guess the fact that I am attracted to someone else outside the marriage and am speaking to him about it means that I am not fulfilled in my relationship with my husband?

 

I am confused by work guy's actions as have never been in a situation like this. I had one long term relationship before husband, who I met in school, and I met my husband through online dating. I was wondering whether not realising, I had given work guy signals that I was interested. I have tried to make all my verbal communication with him seem platonic and that I have moved on from what happened. He says he has but his actions say differently, or am I reading too much into it?

 

I need to make a decision with what I do now - do I leave my job and try and fix my marriage? I'm not sure as things stand at the moment I will be able to continue working with him. Or do I accept that if I am interacting with someone outside my marriage this early on, there's something fundamentally wrong with us? I'm not saying that I will end up with work guy, just that he isn't the root cause of my problems and I'm not even convinced I'm not imagining it all and building something up in my head that isnt there?

 

Very mixed up and don't know how to go forward

[Cephalopod]

Thanks.... What do you make of his actions? That he is in a very long term relationship and perhaps wants his cake and eat it?!

 

I am confused as I have been questioning my marriage and relationship anyway for some time and now this.

 

Could there be a connection between me and this guy that we are trying to deny because we are in relationships? Or am I reading too much into it? I don't understand his actions at all....

 

Thanks

 

Why do you care?

 

Start caring about your husband and working to repair the marriage. Or if you cannot, divorce then go after a new man. You have no clue how this will destroy your husband.

[waterwoman]

Thanks.... What do you make of his actions? That he is in a very long term relationship and perhaps wants his cake and eat it?!

 

I am confused as I have been questioning my marriage and relationship anyway for some time and now this.

 

Could there be a connection between me and this guy that we are trying to deny because we are in relationships? Or am I reading too much into it? I don't understand his actions at all....

 

 

It doesn't matter. It really doesn't. Unless you are OK with cheating on your primary relationship in which you should be concerned about dealing with that first. There are many people out there with whom you could have a 'connection' - it's not that rare or wonderful a thing. Try dealing with the elephant in the room first.

[ChickiePops]

Why does it matter what his actions mean?? You wouldn't care unless you were considering having an affair with him. There is absolutely no other reason why you'd want to analyze this.

 

First, if you leave your marriage, it should be because you don't want to be married to your husband anymore, not because you've met someone else whether it's this guy or not so one has nothing to do with the other.

 

Second, even if you did leave your marriage, he is in a relationship and therefore off limits. Completely, totally, 100% off limits. Hot stove.

 

His actions are inappropriate and you shouldn't bother worrying about them. All you should worry about is making sure that you never put yourself in a situation where anything could happen again.

[Aloneuk]

Why does it matter what his actions mean?? You wouldn't care unless you were considering having an affair with him. There is absolutely no other reason why you'd want to analyze this.

 

First, if you leave your marriage, it should be because you don't want to be married to your husband anymore, not because you've met someone else whether it's this guy or not so one has nothing to do with the other.

 

Second, even if you did leave your marriage, he is in a relationship and therefore off limits. Completely, totally, 100% off limits. Hot stove.

 

His actions are inappropriate and you shouldn't bother worrying about them. All you should worry about is making sure that you never put yourself in a situation where anything could happen again.

 

Thanks. Think I needed a reality check. This helps a lot. I don't hace any friends I can talk to about it so its good to get an impartial opinion.

 

You're right about work guy being off limits whatever happens with my relationship with husband. I think I need to figure out whether our marriage can be fixed and focus on that.

[aileD]

who cares, you're married. Walk away and fix your marriage. You have more important things to worry abou then someone who wants or doesn't want or wants or doesn't want to make you a cheating mistress.

[Sparta]

OP you know what the Hells going on. Stop I mean God you think we're that dumb you know exactly what you're doing you know you want to sleep with the guy. Unbelievable grow up at least be one English person that does not cheat. Asking all these questions like you don't know what's really going on unbelievable. You're just pissed that he didn't have his way with you on the train aren't you.

 

0P go talk to your husband tell everything you thinks wrong with their marriage see if he wants to do anything about it. ask him to go for counseling

You'll feel better about yourself that you did the right thing. Remember a lot of the stuff that you're thinking your husband's not doing maybe take a look at yourself what you're contributing to your marriage then start pointing fingers.

Edited August 20, 2016 by Sparta

[Aloneuk]

OP you know what the Hells going on. Stop I mean God you think we're that dumb you know exactly what you're doing you know you want to sleep with the guy. Unbelievable grow up at least be one English person that does not cheat. Asking all these questions like you don't know what's really going on unbelievable. You're just pissed that he didn't have his way with you on the train aren't you.

 

0P go talk to your husband tell everything you thinks wrong with their marriage see if he wants to do anything about it. ask him to go for counseling

You'll feel better about yourself that you did the right thing. Remember a lot of the stuff that you're thinking your husband's not doing maybe take a look at yourself what you're contributing to your marriage then start pointing fingers.

 

Sorry but I disagree. I'm guessing if it was simply about us sleeping together, we probably could have on two opportunities now if we had both wanted to.

 

The whole point of my post is asking advice on whether I am reading more into things due to my situation with husband - I am not unconvinced I havent imagined the whole situation with work guy and actually I am the one in the wrong not him.

 

And how I deal with things including working alongside this guy now.

 

Also pretty shocking regarding your all English people are unfaithful comment.

[WilyWill]

Sounds to me like you've come for advice on how to get closer to your new love interest. To paraphrase, "Do you think he really likes me? How can I keep him interested?"

 

People in here will tell you either to work on your marriage or divorce. Then when you want advice on courting your new beau, there are other forums for that.

[BuddyX]

I'll just leave you with two quotes from previous LS members

 

"I have a theory that the range of emotions are what really keep women hooked in affairs. Husbands are available, thus boring...mm is unpredictable hot and cold thus exciting."

 

"You didn't have an affair because you where unhappy, you had an affair because you have poor boundaries"

 

But the bigger question is why did you get married? 4 years into a relationship and you hit bumps, why continue on with the facade?

[Aloneuk]

I'll just leave you with two quotes from previous LS members

 

"I have a theory that the range of emotions are what really keep women hooked in affairs. Husbands are available, thus boring...mm is unpredictable hot and cold thus exciting."

 

"You didn't have an affair because you where unhappy, you had an affair because you have poor boundaries"

 

But the bigger question is why did you get married? 4 years into a relationship and you hit bumps, why continue on with the facade?

 

Thanks, I see a lot of sense in these quotes.

 

Husband and I have been drifting apart for some time, I think a lot to do with him being a workaholic which also means he's away a lot. Again another cliché but I am home alone most of the time and lonely. This has gotten worse over the last 4 years or so, as he has his own business. He also finds it difficult to talk about emotions etc. I have probably spoken more to work guy in last month about our near miss and how that happened, etc than I have spoken to husband in the last 2 years about anything to do with our relationship, feelings etc. I guess the work guy has made me realise that I am missing the emotional intimacy (not that I'm getting that from work guy either) and its almost like I had forgotten what it was like to 'share' stuff. I hadnt realised what I was missing until I started getting it again from someone else...

 

However work guy has a partner at home so its not appropriate to carry on like this, and I'm not going to enter into an affair.

 

I need to make some decisions about my marriage and relationship and guess I will just need to try and avoid work guy in the meantime.

 

Thanks

[harrybrown]

Tell your H about work guy.

 

Maybe that will help you or work guy from getting fired at work.

 

and maybe that will help you to start thinking in the right direction about stopping things with work guy before one of you gets fired and give your H some information about your lack of boundaries.

 

Stop hugging work guy. try hugging your H. If you can't then get a D and still stay away from work guy. the other employees will figure things out if you can't stop it with work guy and you will regret ever working at your job, because any good thing that happens at work is because you slept with the boss. Your life would be hell at work and at home.

[ShatteredLady]

AloneUK. You're starting an affair with my husband!! Hahaha!

 

We're moving back to England, currently live in the USA. Since my H's rediculous, torturous affairs I'm so vulnerable here.

 

He doesn't understand why I can't 'just get over it' & your thread pretty much explains why. You're describing my future!! My H's a really nice guy (I know most here don't agree but just go with me here) I don't believe that he ever intended to f-up our lives.

 

Life doesn't make sense to my H. He loves me, we've always been together, best friends who grew-up together. Why on earth would he fancy a coworker? Well, he does so there must be something wrong with our marriage!

 

You guys got drunk, had your moment...now he's feeling guilt. How could he do it? Ugh! I hate to imagine what his poor wife is going through!! You see how logically it's her fault, then it's your fault. He's under pressure & not emotionally mature enough to deal with it. He can't just make a mistake. It has to mean something. If his wife was better? If you weren't throwing yourself at him?

 

"I said it's normal that colleagues would get the train home together, that its stranger that he left without seeing if I was going that way home, and he said 'well that's because I'm such a w***er'."

 

Yep! That's exactly the sort of thing my H says. It's advanced 'pity party' speak. The whole emails being checked is because he confessed or his wife found your conversations because he was acting so strange.

 

The great English tradition of coworkers meeting-up down the pub is great when you're young but once you've got kids, life, marriages in funks, lots of alcohol....ugh! I just can't wait! Everyone's new soul mate is just a pint away.

[Aloneuk]

AloneUK. You're starting an affair with my husband!! Hahaha!

 

We're moving back to England, currently live in the USA. Since my H's rediculous, torturous affairs I'm so vulnerable here.

 

He doesn't understand why I can't 'just get over it' & your thread pretty much explains why. You're describing my future!! My H's a really nice guy (I know most here don't agree but just go with me here) I don't believe that he ever intended to f-up our lives.

 

Life doesn't make sense to my H. He loves me, we've always been together, best friends who grew-up together. Why on earth would he fancy a coworker? Well, he does so there must be something wrong with our marriage!

 

You guys got drunk, had your moment...now he's feeling guilt. How could he do it? Ugh! I hate to imagine what his poor wife is going through!! You see how logically it's her fault, then it's your fault. He's under pressure & not emotionally mature enough to deal with it. He can't just make a mistake. It has to mean something. If his wife was better? If you weren't throwing yourself at him?

 

"I said it's normal that colleagues would get the train home together, that its stranger that he left without seeing if I was going that way home, and he said 'well that's because I'm such a w***er'."

 

Yep! That's exactly the sort of thing my H says. It's advanced 'pity party' speak. The whole emails being checked is because he confessed or his wife found your conversations because he was acting so strange.

 

The great English tradition of coworkers meeting-up down the pub is great when you're young but once you've got kids, life, marriages in funks, lots of alcohol....ugh! I just can't wait! Everyone's new soul mate is just a pint away.

 

Thanks for taking the time to reply with your perspective and I'm so sorry you have had to be on the other end of this situation. They do indeed sound similar!

 

Funny you have picked up on the going to the pub with work colleagues, it's definitely a different mentality over here to the states. I guess we are typically more uptight in this country and use the alcohol as a way of letting off steam. The whole drunken work colleague encounter is such a cliche though, I'm fully aware of that.

 

I don't agree with cheating so I won't let it go any further, although think we are both (or me certainly) over analysing how this situation occurred. We have both been in very long term relationships and this isn't our usual behaviour, so from my perspective I was questioning whether our interaction actually means anything 'more' .

 

I don't want to be unfaithful to my husband and I don't want to be the other woman. He said he hadnt told his partner after the first night as he didnt think there was anything to tell and he would never let himself get into that situation again.... However he may have told her today about it, I don't know. He may think that as nothing physical has really happened, theres nothing to tell.

 

I have told my husband about both instances although I have left out the part about me thinking I am attracted to him. I admitted I do not feel happy in the marriage and was tempted when he first made the move. I said I feel I am at the point in our relationship where something really needs to change before we get to the point of no return. Husband was not upset when I told him and just said he didn't want to lose me.

 

Work guy isnt married to his partner and neither of has kids, which is the only consolation in all this.

 

Thanks again for your input and hope your move to the UK goes well and your relationship works out.

[sandylee1]

I think given was happened the first night, you should not have followed him out. He was trying to get away and resist temptation but you followed him. I can see why he was annoyed. In all honesty, if I was you I wouldn't have gone that night.

 

I mean if he didn't go out that night, you'd have still got home wouldn't you?

 

It's going to keep being awkward and I'd look for another job ASAP.

[standtall]

What are you, 12?

 

Stay the heck away from him...get some MC and work on your commitment to your husband...you know, those vows you took... sorry they get in the way on occasion.

[Cephalopod]

Thanks, I see a lot of sense in these quotes.

 

Husband and I have been drifting apart for some time, I think a lot to do with him being a workaholic which also means he's away a lot. Again another cliché but I am home alone most of the time and lonely. This has gotten worse over the last 4 years or so, as he has his own business. He also finds it difficult to talk about emotions etc. I have probably spoken more to work guy in last month about our near miss and how that happened, etc than I have spoken to husband in the last 2 years about anything to do with our relationship, feelings etc. I guess the work guy has made me realise that I am missing the emotional intimacy (not that I'm getting that from work guy either) and its almost like I had forgotten what it was like to 'share' stuff. I hadnt realised what I was missing until I started getting it again from someone else...

 

However work guy has a partner at home so its not appropriate to carry on like this, and I'm not going to enter into an affair.

 

I need to make some decisions about my marriage and relationship and guess I will just need to try and avoid work guy in the meantime.

 

Thanks

 

And all those problems you just listed are completely solvable if you and your husband just learn to work together. Married couples get lazy with each other. It's not just your husband. You are just as responsible for the disconnect between the two of you as he is.

 

If there is marriage counseling where you live, demand that he go with you.

Edited August 20, 2016 by Cephalopod

[ShatteredLady]

I don't know how true it is. Someone once told me that their shrink stated that the more over analytical, obsessed & self deprecating you (the WS) feel the more you love your SO.

 

Many think that struggling to find meaning in affairs - 'fancying' thoughts indicates a weak primary relationship & a lack of love....when quite the opposite is actually true.

 

The more you love the greater the cognitive dissonance dictates your thoughts.

 

 

It's nearly midnight. I don't know!

 

Most relationships that were built on 'real' things to begin with will go through highs & lows, passion & blah...you know?!? There's no such thing as rainbows & unicorns...reality, true connection, for better or worse & all that jazz is truly miraculous.

 

If you're miserable do something about it.

 

Most marriages fail because of conflict avoidance, lack of communication.....

[Aloneuk]

Thanks to everyone for all their replies and sharing their opinions.

 

I am NOT going to have an affair. I am going to work on my marriage and see if that can be fixed. I agree that I have been withdrawn in my marriage lately, and that is one of the reasons I have found myself in this situation (I can't imagine this would have happened if me and H were still 'connected' and doing well). I need to try and work on our relationship and see if we are going through a rough patch which we can fix, or if not I guess I will have to consider separation at a last resort.

 

My other issue is the closeness in which I will be working alongside work guy going forward. I'm not really in a position to leave, I work in quite a specific industry where there arent many companies and am also the main breadwinner of our household so cannot just up and leave.

 

Think my main challenge in this respect wiill be how I interact with work guy, keeping an appropriate distance without being unprofessional too. That was why I was asking if anyone could decipher his actions, as I am totally confused by them and not sure what is going through his head. I think it would be easier for me if I knew it was just that he was drunk, rather than having feelings for me. I know people on here have said I shouldn't care but I do - I'm an over thinker and one of those people who need to know the situation to be able to deal with it. I don't deal well with ambiguity. For example, I would rather have an adult conversation with work guy which says, yes we are attracted to each other, yes we nearly crossed a line but we agree that we maintain a professional distance from now on and make it clear nothing is going to happen. That way there is come closure to the situation and boundaries have been reset.

 

I know not everyone will understand that but I guess we're all different.

 

Thanks again

[LifesontheUp]

 

However work guy has a partner at home so its not appropriate to carry on like this, and I'm not going to enter into an affair.

 

 

And the main point is that YOU have a husband.

 

I'm glad you are going to work on your marriage. Look up relate, and hope your husband is agreeable to join you.

[BuddyX]

There's an easy way to squash this. Tell the MM is he makes a move you'll tell his wife. And before you tell us, about hurting "his feelings", just remind yourself what's more important; his feelings or your marriage?

 

In regards to your hubby. His job is to provide, protect, and be present. It appears he's failing in the latter. Sit him down and tell him you're drifting apart. He needs to spend more time with you. However, if at any point during the conversation he asks about "other men" you have to be honest and tell him everything.