Tension with work colleague, both in committed relationships - what does this mean?

[Aloneuk]

So despite you moving out, he has not come forward with any solutions, compromises, or things he needs to change in this marriage.

He wants you back to continue on as is, is that right?

 

He agreed to attend MC with me and generally makes attempts to contact me more than before, by calling and texting when he didn't before. So he is trying in his own way. I can see little things where he is trying to be more attentive compared to beforehand. But there have been no significant changes.

[Cephalopod]

My point is, in reading her story it just never comes across that she loves the guy...I just don't see it.

 

Yeah....

 

But at the same time, he doesn't seem to be a man who has the ability to reciprocate love if it was given to him. It sounds like he really just doesn't want to be alone. If he has this disorder, he doesn't need to be married to anyone.

 

I'm not condoning her actions. She talked herself into this affair right from the very beginning. Her mouth was saying "no no no" but her actions and attitudes were telling all of us "yes yes yes".

[Cephalopod]

He agreed to attend MC with me and generally makes attempts to contact me more than before, by calling and texting when he didn't before. So he is trying in his own way. I can see little things where he is trying to be more attentive compared to beforehand. But there have been no significant changes.

 

Problem is you have switched off your love for him. And once a woman gives herself to another man, she can almost never switch that love for her husband back on again.

 

Be merciful to your husband and divorce him. R is not going to happen. You have passed the point of no return. Just be an adult for once and end it.

[Marc878]

Just another typical workplace affair. They all play out the same.

[DKT3]

Yeah....

 

But at the same time, he doesn't seem to be a man who has the ability to reciprocate love if it was given to him. It sounds like he really just doesn't want to be alone. If he has this disorder, he doesn't need to be married to anyone.

 

I'm not condoning her actions. She talked herself into this affair right from the very beginning. Her mouth was saying "no no no" but her actions and attitudes were telling all of us "yes yes yes".

 

I told her at the very start they (both of them) didn't seem in love. I said I thought her husband was mostly just comfortable with her.

 

I just don't understand why she won't cut the cord, why she keeps pumping life into something she clearly doesn't want.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, to answer DKT3, the OP won't cut the cord because she wants to eat her cake and have it too. She is waiting for the OM to dump his wife and plump for her before she let's go of her husband so that she does not end up in a quagmire of her own making. She has been warming the fence for a very long time and she wants to warm it some more. Her rhetorical question at the end of her reply to road's post can be answered quite simply " No you are not naive, you are too clever by half". The OP is not making a move till her commits himself to her. She knows well the wisdom embodied in the adage 'A bird in hand is worth two in the bush'.

 

Alone, for once in your life learn what decisiveness is all about. You want the 'Good life' with the OM then take the risk of divorcing your husband and becoming a singleton again. Just that action will dispel all the cobwebs in your mind and you will know once and for all whether you really love your husband or the OM or neither. After that you will be free to chart your course in life the way you want to. Warm wishes.

[Aloneuk]

Problem is you have switched off your love for him. And once a woman gives herself to another man, she can almost never switch that love for her husband back on again.

 

Be merciful to your husband and divorce him. R is not going to happen. You have passed the point of no return. Just be an adult for once and end it.

 

This sums up how I am feeling. I feel like I spent many years giving the M everything I had...helping him start his business from a financial and emotional support perspective whilst being the only one in our M who was trying to keep that alive too. I gave and gave, and got nothing back. Then after constantly feeling rejected and unwanted and unsatisfied, it's like a mental barrier has come up and I shut down.

 

I want to be able to get that barrier down and for the M to work. But I think we are past the point of no return.

[Aloneuk]

Hi Folks, to answer DKT3, the OP won't cut the cord because she wants to eat her cake and have it too. She is waiting for the OM to dump his wife and plump for her before she let's go of her husband so that she does not end up in a quagmire of her own making. She has been warming the fence for a very long time and she wants to warm it some more. Her rhetorical question at the end of her reply to road's post can be answered quite simply " No you are not naive, you are too clever by half". The OP is not making a move till her commits himself to her. She knows well the wisdom embodied in the adage 'A bird in hand is worth two in the bush'.

 

Alone, for once in your life learn what decisiveness is all about. You want the 'Good life' with the OM then take the risk of divorcing your husband and becoming a singleton again. Just that action will dispel all the cobwebs in your mind and you will know once and for all whether you really love your husband or the OM or neither. After that you will be free to chart your course in life the way you want to. Warm wishes.

 

I know this sounds stupid but when I left to move into my own place, I didn't realise it was because of the OM. Looking back now I can see how much he has influenced everything.

 

But in some respects I don't think it's about the OM as a person, but what he represents and how he makes me feel. Our M has no emotional intimacy and it sounds crazy now but I didn't know it was something that existed until I met OM. I knew that the M wasn't fulfilling me but I didn't know if it was something that I was/wasn't doing or something that could be 'fixed'.

 

I am fully aware that OM may stay with his partner, and if he leaves nothing may happen between us, so although he does have a bearing on my situation because he has been a catalyst, I am trying to make a decision based on what's best for the M.

 

H wants me to come back and make a go of things. He says he wants to try and be more involved in the M. I don't know why I can't make a final decision either way. Fear of making the wrong one and regretting it after? I am trying to keep the OM and H as separate as I can in my thought process, but its hard. I am an indecisive person in my nature but I realise this is ridiculous.

 

I do really appreciate all your comments. It's equally hard to read them because I can see the type of person I have become in this situation and it's not something I'm proud of AT ALL. Another reason why I really want to try and do the right thing now and not hurt anyone more than can be avoided.

 

Thanks again

Edited January 2, 2017 by Aloneuk

[noelle303]

I think that you should go NC with the work guy for a while (as much as you are able to without it influencing your work), as well as your husband so that you can clear your head and make a decision which is right for you without either of their influences.

 

If you're getting a divorce, it should be because you don't want to be with your husband, not because you want to be with someone else. And if you are staying married, it should be because you still love him and want to stay with him, not because he still loves you.

 

If I'm being honest, your marriage sounds sterile and convenient. You both think it's nothing spectacular, but liked the idea of a wedding, a permanant roommate, the social status that comes from being married and so on. I think a lot of people settle for just that and then keep it going until something wakes them up. Work guy could be just that - the much needed catalyst that opened your eyes to what life could be and oushed you to make the necessary changes.

[Marc878]

Most women cannot love two men at once. You're either in or out with your M.

 

As long as the affair continues your M will not. At this time you're cake eating.

 

Again pretty typical of affairs. Nothing special here.

[Marc878]

I know this sounds stupid but when I left to move into my own place, I didn't realise it was because of the OM. Looking back now I can see how much he has influenced everything.

 

But in some respects I don't think it's about the OM as a person, but what he represents and how he makes me feel. Our M has no emotional intimacy and it sounds crazy now but I didn't know it was something that existed until I met OM. I knew that the M wasn't fulfilling me but I didn't know if it was something that I was/wasn't doing or something that could be 'fixed'.

 

I am fully aware that OM may stay with his partner, and if he leaves nothing may happen between us, so although he does have a bearing on my situation because he has been a catalyst, I am trying to make a decision based on what's best for the M.

 

H wants me to come back and make a go of things. He says he wants to try and be more involved in the M. I don't know why I can't make a final decision either way. Fear of making the wrong one and regretting it after? I am trying to keep the OM and H as separate as I can in my thought process, but its hard. I am an indecisive person in my nature but I realise this is ridiculous.

 

I do really appreciate all your comments. It's equally hard to read them because I can see the type of person I have become in this situation and it's not something I'm proud of AT ALL. Another reason why I really want to try and do the right thing now and not hurt anyone more than can be avoided.

 

Thanks again

 

Your post is a typical justification for your actions (affair). You're following the typical "cheater script". In reality there is no justification only excuses to make you feel better about what you're doing.

 

You won't see it because it doesn't fit your agenda. You have to believe you're entitled to what you're doing to make it palatable for yourself.

[road]

I told her at the very start they (both of them) didn't seem in love. I said I thought her husband was mostly just comfortable with her.

 

I just don't understand why she won't cut the cord, why she keeps pumping life into something she clearly doesn't want.

 

Get real, the OM does not want to hear her complain, unclog her drains, or royal throne, mow her lawn, paint the house, keep her car running, pay the mortgage for her, work to raise and pay to raise her kids. So she keeps her beta drone husband.

[road]

I know this sounds stupid but when I left to move into my own place, I didn't realise it was because of the OM. Looking back now I can see how much he has influenced everything.

 

But in some respects I don't think it's about the OM as a person, but what he represents and how he makes me feel. Our M has no emotional intimacy and it sounds crazy now but I didn't know it was something that existed until I met OM. I knew that the M wasn't fulfilling me but I didn't know if it was something that I was/wasn't doing or something that could be 'fixed'.

 

I am fully aware that OM may stay with his partner, and if he leaves nothing may happen between us, so although he does have a bearing on my situation because he has been a catalyst, I am trying to make a decision based on what's best for the M.

 

H wants me to come back and make a go of things. He says he wants to try and be more involved in the M. I don't know why I can't make a final decision either way. Fear of making the wrong one and regretting it after? I am trying to keep the OM and H as separate as I can in my thought process, but its hard. I am an indecisive person in my nature but I realise this is ridiculous.

 

I do really appreciate all your comments. It's equally hard to read them because I can see the type of person I have become in this situation and it's not something I'm proud of AT ALL. Another reason why I really want to try and do the right thing now and not hurt anyone more than can be avoided.

 

Thanks again

 

You hang on to the OM because he feeds you enough crumbs to keep being his side piece.

[BuddyX]

2 months ago you were unsure and confused. Today, you are unsure and confused. Nothing has changed.

 

Anytime a spouse wants to move out to "find themselves" it's code for "I have someone on the side".

 

Here's my question; can you actually be alone? It appears you want find yourself but there's always a distraction.

[Aloneuk]

2 months ago you were unsure and confused. Today, you are unsure and confused. Nothing has changed.

 

Anytime a spouse wants to move out to "find themselves" it's code for "I have someone on the side".

 

Here's my question; can you actually be alone? It appears you want find yourself but there's always a distraction.

 

My issue is not being alone. I have been in the past and happy to be again.

 

I'm afraid of making the wrong decision and messing up both mine and other people's lives in the process.

 

I don't know if my expectations of a M are unrealistic or whether I'm genuinely unfulfilled because we're not right for each other. Or whether I am in fact just another typical WS rewriting my history with my H, which lots of ppl on here have suggested.

 

I know I need to man up and make a decision. I just don't understand why I can't hear what my gut instinct is telling me and actually follow through with one.

[BuddyX]

Choice A is stay with your husband

Choice B is the MM

Choice C is divorce and start anew by yourself.

 

Is choice C an option for you?

[BuddyX]

And I'll like to add, all parties involved are adults. No one will get destroyed when you finally decide.

 

You're pretty much fulfilling a female stereotype. "Tell me what you want?" You:"I don't know, but I want it now"

 

Leave you with a quote;

"Many a false step was made by standing still."

[S2B]

My issue is not being alone. I have been in the past and happy to be again.

 

I'm afraid of making the wrong decision and messing up both mine and other people's lives in the process.

 

I don't know if my expectations of a M are unrealistic or whether I'm genuinely unfulfilled because we're not right for each other. Or whether I am in fact just another typical WS rewriting my history with my H, which lots of ppl on here have suggested.

 

I know I need to man up and make a decision. I just don't understand why I can't hear what my gut instinct is telling me and actually follow through with one.

 

Be strong. Make a decision and stick to it.

 

Not deciding is the cowards way.

[DKT3]

My issue is not being alone. I have been in the past and happy to be again.

 

I'm afraid of making the wrong decision and messing up both mine and other people's lives in the process.

 

I don't know if my expectations of a M are unrealistic or whether I'm genuinely unfulfilled because we're not right for each other. Or whether I am in fact just another typical WS rewriting my history with my H, which lots of ppl on here have suggested.

 

I know I need to man up and make a decision. I just don't understand why I can't hear what my gut instinct is telling me and actually follow through with one.

 

Your gut is telling you what to do, the problem is your distraction by a shiny new toy and it's clouded your judgement. Your unwillingness to get distance from mm is the problem. You see you've got distance from your husband yet no clearity, wonder why?

 

Yes, in reading your story it's clearly a case of rewriting the marriage and husband. It's always pretty obvious when a cheater speaks of the marriage in absolute. IE I never loved my spouse, we've never had this strong of a connection, we've never been able to communicate. It's all BS, after all there was enough of those things to pull you together, enough to make a commitment. Then something new comes along after you've been bored for a while then all of a sudden comes the absolutes.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm always dubious when someone says that the OW/OM is a "catalyst".

 

I'm a hapless romantic. For the longest time I rolled my eyes when people went on about marriage being work. Really? You just love each-other, live together, make love & if one of you doesn't like the way the other does something you talk about it, reach compromise, carry-on blissfully happy in love. Bollocks!! Life isn't like that!! Sometimes it takes delving very deep, stripping away the preconceived notions & building it back up.

 

If you run into another's arms every time you 'feel a connection' then marriage & monogamy isn't for you!

 

Reading my husband's emails to his OW I thought 'Wow! What an open guy! He can talking freely about anything, analyse his feelings etc' great!! He reminded me of him when we first met & he was dysecting his old relationship.

 

It's so much easier to be that open emotional person when you're bonding over how crap your partners are AND how completely fantastic your new relationship 'could' be. If you were BOTH that emotionally mature & not conflict avoidant you would of been having those conversations WITH your current partners, the issues would of been solved & you wouldn't be sneaking behind their backs.

 

If you want a clear indication of what your relationship will be like in the future look at how your current marriages are. To change, truly change, you have to do the work....jumping on something dramatic, new & shiny doesn't change anything longterm except the person you're complaining about.

[BuddyX]

DKT3

On the money. Especially the last paragraph. We're you that wrote the following (paraphrase)? Because it's dead on.

 

"....it's more likely that she simply wanted out because she saw a better toy. The problem with this approach is that you will never stop seeing better toys."

[Aloneuk]

Thank you all for replying.

 

Just thinking out loud:

 

I don't think I've re-written history entirely. I do think H and I have had difficulties in our relationship for some time which we have both put our head in the sand about. And he has prioritised work for a number of years and not been an active participant in our M. He is a workaholic and I am the opposite and home alone on my own most of the time.

 

I guess this is when it turned into the cliché situation and I fell for the attention of someone else. Thats typical WS.

 

But I haven't wanted to reconcile with H because it has made me realise that there are aspects of our M that I'm really not happy about and I'm not sure can be fixed. So from that perspective, hasn't the situation with the OM just shone a light on the M and the cracks?

 

I am under no false pretences with the OM. I suspect he will stay with her as he has been with her for 20 years. It's a lot to give up. But I honestly didn't realise it was possible to have the sort of connection with someone that I had with OM, even bearing in mind it was exciting and new. Even in the very early days with H when everything was exciting and new between us, we never clicked in that way. We have a very steady, safe, strong friendship type romance. The situation with the OM has opened my eyes in that respect.

[Aloneuk]

I'm always dubious when someone says that the OW/OM is a "catalyst".

 

I'm a hapless romantic. For the longest time I rolled my eyes when people went on about marriage being work. Really? You just love each-other, live together, make love & if one of you doesn't like the way the other does something you talk about it, reach compromise, carry-on blissfully happy in love. Bollocks!! Life isn't like that!! Sometimes it takes delving very deep, stripping away the preconceived notions & building it back up.

 

If you run into another's arms every time you 'feel a connection' then marriage & monogamy isn't for you!

 

Reading my husband's emails to his OW I thought 'Wow! What an open guy! He can talking freely about anything, analyse his feelings etc' great!! He reminded me of him when we first met & he was dysecting his old relationship.

 

It's so much easier to be that open emotional person when you're bonding over how crap your partners are AND how completely fantastic your new relationship 'could' be. If you were BOTH that emotionally mature & not conflict avoidant you would of been having those conversations WITH your current partners, the issues would of been solved & you wouldn't be sneaking behind their backs.

 

If you want a clear indication of what your relationship will be like in the future look at how your current marriages are. To change, truly change, you have to do the work....jumping on something dramatic, new & shiny doesn't change anything longterm except the person you're complaining about.

 

Thanks for replying ShatteredLady, you responded at the beginning of my story and I have been following your situation.

 

I really can sense the love between you and your H. It seems to me that he is doing all he can to try and fix things because he wants to make your M work, including moving to the UK (living in the UK myself I can appreciate the sacrifice!) Has he always known that he wanted to reconcile and make things work with you?

 

I just don't know if I ever felt deeply in love with my H and am realising that now, or its the 'fog' with my 'shiny new toy' on the horizon as it's been put here....

[DKT3]

Thank you all for replying.

 

Just thinking out loud:

 

I don't think I've re-written history entirely. I do think H and I have had difficulties in our relationship for some time which we have both put our head in the sand about. And he has prioritised work for a number of years and not been an active participant in our M. He is a workaholic and I am the opposite and home alone on my own most of the time.

 

I guess this is when it turned into the cliché situation and I fell for the attention of someone else. Thats typical WS.

 

But I haven't wanted to reconcile with H because it has made me realise that there are aspects of our M that I'm really not happy about and I'm not sure can be fixed. So from that perspective, hasn't the situation with the OM just shone a light on the M and the cracks?

 

I am under no false pretences with the OM. I suspect he will stay with her as he has been with her for 20 years. It's a lot to give up. But I honestly didn't realise it was possible to have the sort of connection with someone that I had with OM, even bearing in mind it was exciting and new. Even in the very early days with H when everything was exciting and new between us, we never clicked in that way. We have a very steady, safe, strong friendship type romance. The situation with the OM has opened my eyes in that respect.

 

And now your not being honest.... Earlier, you clearly wrote about a future with this guy, you clearly believe that you will end up with him...Now this claim of being under no false pretenses is....Well simply not honest.

 

Two things I'm confident of in your situation..1) you will continue this current dynamic 2) you will regret your decisions no matter which way you go.

 

I will say this, your husband will be better off without you, he doesn't see it now, but soon he will. Let him go, maybe he can find a woman who will love.

[Aloneuk]

And now your not being honest.... Earlier, you clearly wrote about a future with this guy, you clearly believe that you will end up with him...Now this claim of being under no false pretenses is....Well simply not honest.

 

Two things I'm confident of in your situation..1) you will continue this current dynamic 2) you will regret your decisions no matter which way you go.

 

I will say this, your husband will be better off without you, he doesn't see it now, but soon he will. Let him go, maybe he can find a woman who will love.

 

I wrote about falling for OM and feeling about him very differently to how I've ever felt about H. And that we have gone NC to resolve our situations and that if we are ever both single at same time we would want to explore things.

 

I can only control my actions and I am not under any false pretences that OM may stay with his partner so I am trying to separate the situations out and make the right decision for me and the M. I know everyone thinks this whole situation is purely because of the OM but I do believe it's also about the issues that we have in our M that we have never confronted...

 

I don't want to be in a marriage where we are just good friends with no real emotional connection. But I'm also wary I could be in the affair fog.