Tension with work colleague, both in committed relationships - what does this mean?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Alone, as per your own statement you said that for ten years you were quite comfortable in your marriage and did not find anything compelling to make you want to get out of it. Then along came the OM with a new look who touched some buttons that made you resonate with him. Overnight your world turned upside down and you realized that your staid, reliable, dependable and entirely predictable husband lacked everything that you had been yearning for and which your OM had in abundance. As others have said his new shininess overwhelmed you and all of s sudden your husband's warts and wrinkles became oh so obvious to you. You do realise that new will also become old at some point and that you will only be exchanging one set of problems for an entirely different set of problems which at a point of time will come to repulse you in the same way your husband's problems seem to repel you. What WL you do then? Look for a new husband? This cycle will go on repeating itself till a time when you will be a worn out old woman, bitter with yourself and the world for not ever having found the perfect man.

 

My advice to you to force the issue and divorce your husband still stands. It will force you to clear your brain and realise what you actually want. If you find that you made a mistake and you really love your husband and want him back then go to him and admit your mistake and woo him again if at that point he, he is prepared to entertain you. If he does not then find another husband who approximates your ideal and marry him if he too wants to. If your OM is the one you love and he is willing and able, marry him. If he does not want to marry you then move on. Your indecision is also a decision. As they say time waits for no man/ woman. If you wait too long your husband will make that decision for you by divorcing you. You have dallied too long. Do something before it is too late! Warm wishes.

[S2B]

Thank you all for replying.

 

Just thinking out loud:

 

I don't think I've re-written history entirely. I do think H and I have had difficulties in our relationship for some time which we have both put our head in the sand about. And he has prioritised work for a number of years and not been an active participant in our M. He is a workaholic and I am the opposite and home alone on my own most of the time.

 

I guess this is when it turned into the cliché situation and I fell for the attention of someone else. Thats typical WS.

 

But I haven't wanted to reconcile with H because it has made me realise that there are aspects of our M that I'm really not happy about and I'm not sure can be fixed. So from that perspective, hasn't the situation with the OM just shone a light on the M and the cracks?

 

I am under no false pretences with the OM. I suspect he will stay with her as he has been with her for 20 years. It's a lot to give up. But I honestly didn't realise it was possible to have the sort of connection with someone that I had with OM, even bearing in mind it was exciting and new. Even in the very early days with H when everything was exciting and new between us, we never clicked in that way. We have a very steady, safe, strong friendship type romance. The situation with the OM has opened my eyes in that respect.

 

 

If you don't like your marriage then end it!

 

Start taking action for the intentions you wish for - otherwise you are just a victim of yourself (feeding your own illusion).

 

Stop blaming everyone else for what you have done to yourself!!! That is your first step!

 

Don't ask questions here - state your evidence as facts. Own it in writing - using words that show you ARE responsible. Then determine what behavior you CAN change and do that.

[DKT3]

I wrote about falling for OM and feeling about him very differently to how I've ever felt about H. And that we have gone NC to resolve our situations and that if we are ever both single at same time we would want to explore things.

 

I can only control my actions and I am not under any false pretences that OM may stay with his partner so I am trying to separate the situations out and make the right decision for me and the M. I know everyone thinks this whole situation is purely because of the OM but I do believe it's also about the issues that we have in our M that we have never confronted...

 

I don't want to be in a marriage where we are just good friends with no real emotional connection. But I'm also wary I could be in the affair fog.

 

I've been with my wife for the most part 25 years since we were teenagers. Yes we had issues prior to her affair, yes she had in some form discussed those issues, mainly my travel in my career. It's marriage, none is perfect, of course there will be issues.

 

Let me ask you this, if mm came to you tomorrow and say he left his wife and wants to be with you what would you do?

 

Here is the thing as someone else mentioned, this new relationship with this new guy will soon be the relationship you have with your husband...Why? Because there will be issues, except this time you're with someone who will turn to another woman, and won't be loyal in the face of trouble. In short you're trading one set of issues for another.

 

Back to my question, of course we all know you would drop your husband like burning trash if mm told you that, so why keep him on the line? Are you being honest about what your husband knows? Your saying he knows that his marriage hangs on the decision of another man? He knows that his only shot at saving his marriage depends on if another man is willing to walk away from his marriage to be with you? Of course he doesn't know that, so he doesn't know everything. Only way through this is being honest, real honesty, not some watered down version were you attempt to not be as bad as you are, where you can still comfortably deny and not accept responsibility for the damage you've created in your marriage.

[elaine567]

Get real, the OM does not want to hear her complain, unclog her drains, or royal throne, mow her lawn, paint the house, keep her car running, pay the mortgage for her, work to raise and pay to raise her kids. So she keeps her beta drone husband.

 

The OP is the main breadwinner here, and they do not have kids. Her husband travels a lot for his business, so I very much doubt he is mowing lawns, painting the house or unblocking drains.

His "business" has taken all their money and assets, and is nowhere near making a profit, hence why the OP is the breadwinner and it is she who is keeping them afloat financially.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Elaine, if what you say is a fact then all the more reason for the OP to walk away. She gets rid of all her problems all at once. She does'nt have to debate the pros and cons here. I just don't get it. Maybe most of us are missing something here.

[DKT3]

The OP is the main breadwinner here, and they do not have kids. Her husband travels a lot for his business, so I very much doubt he is mowing lawns, painting the house or unblocking drains.

His "business" has taken all their money and assets, and is nowhere near making a profit, hence why the OP is the breadwinner and it is she who is keeping them afloat financially.

 

Maybe Im wrong, but I think she said when he was starting the business that was the case, but the business is going now.

[DKT3]

Hi Elaine, if what you say is a fact then all the more reason for the OP to walk away. She gets rid of all her problems all at once. She does'nt have to debate the pros and cons here. I just don't get it. Maybe most of us are missing something here.

 

I don't think we are missing anything, I think only she hasn't come out and said what she really wants, I believe that is both of them to fulfill the roles they have in her life. Stability and security of being married to husband and the excitement of newfound sexual energy of mm. Not that complicated, she just won't admit it

[Aloneuk]

It's staying in a safe relationship (friendship?) with no emotional intimacy - partly through guilt because I should have realised this before we got married and partly because do I owe it to M to try harder - VERSUS taking a leap into the unknown in the hope that I may be fortunate to have a future relationship with a emotional connection and spark to equal what I have with OM...

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

It's staying in a safe relationship (friendship?) with no emotional intimacy - partly through guilt because I should have realised this before we got married and partly because do I owe it to M to try harder - VERSUS taking a leap into the unknown in the hope that I may be fortunate to have a future relationship with a emotional connection and spark to equal what I have with OM...

 

In other words... cake eating.

 

Let your husband go. Leaving him in limbo whilst you pontificate about what's best for YOU is downright cruel. He deserves the chance to move on and find someone who will axtullay care for and love him.

 

The sooner the better

[stillafool]

It's staying in a safe relationship (friendship?) with no emotional intimacy - partly through guilt because I should have realised this before we got married and partly because do I owe it to M to try harder - VERSUS taking a leap into the unknown in the hope that I may be fortunate to have a future relationship with a emotional connection and spark to equal what I have with OM...

 

If you aren't getting your needs met in your marriage more than likely neither is your husband. He may just be accepting that this is what it's come to. He doesn't know that you are in love with another man. Maybe if you free him up he will meet the woman he is supposed to be with and have a more fulfilling life than you are providing him. A divorce would probably work out better for you both.

[elaine567]

Maybe Im wrong, but I think she said when he was starting the business that was the case, but the business is going now.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/590522-unfulfilled-marriage-work-colleague-encounter#post7007362

 

Before he started the business he had very little worrries and no financial problems. We remortgaged to fund the start of the business (there was a massive initial outlay to create the actual products) and now I am the main breadwinner whilst his business grows. His business is gaining momentum globally and getting more successful however we had to invest so much money at the beginning that it will still take some time to get back where we started. He is a traditional guy and think he feels very emasculated about how hard it has been financially and that I have been keeping us going financially. When we met he had no money worries so think the stress of it all has really affected him and in turn our relationship...

[Aloneuk]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/590522-unfulfilled-marriage-work-colleague-encounter#post7007362

 

This is correct and still the case. Combined with this, H is also a self confessed workaholic and I didn't quite realise how much so until he started the business. I do a 9 to 5 Mon to Fri job whereas H is always working and goes away A LOT.

 

Not making excuses, just trying to explain the background.

[Aloneuk]

Thanks everyone once again for all your comments, I appreciate all of them, including the ones that motivate me to look closely again at my actions and behaviour.

 

I honestly never, ever thought I would end up in a situation like this - I didn't think I would be the 'sort of person' who would go outside their marriage. But I have so I obviously am, and now I need to stop being weak and make the best decision I can for my future and go forward with it.

 

Thanks again to everyone that has taken the time to reply. Each comment has given me something to think about and hopefully going forward I can sort this mess out and learn from it.

[ShatteredLady]

Thanks for replying ShatteredLady, you responded at the beginning of my story and I have been following your situation.

 

I really can sense the love between you and your H. It seems to me that he is doing all he can to try and fix things because he wants to make your M work, including moving to the UK (living in the UK myself I can appreciate the sacrifice!) Has he always known that he wanted to reconcile and make things work with you?

 

I just don't know if I ever felt deeply in love with my H and am realising that now, or its the 'fog' with my 'shiny new toy' on the horizon as it's been put here....

 

 

Thank you. Although I can be very emotional at times & without doubt I've been dealing with intense shock & pain I have always known that my husband didn't really intend on going anywhere! It's not really a matter of knowing "that he wanted to reconcile" it's more that he doesn't really see that there's anything to work-on or reconcile!! Ugh!!!

 

He had a little fantasy, told some lies, said some horrible things (which he describes as an out of body experience that he can't really explain) but it wasn't 'real' so why can't I just get-over it & move-on as if nothing happened...because nothing actually happened!! Double ugh!!

 

Anyway, no matter how bad it gets, BOTH of us would/will always say that we were truly, madly, deeply in love for a very long time. The question for you is simply is there enough love in your marriage for it to be worth working on?

 

It's my understanding that you don't have children. Do you want a family? Remind me how old you are please.

 

I've been with my H since I was 21, him 22. We celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary in August. We were together 6 years before we married & married 10 years before we had our first baby. It was planned that way. We had many 'adventures' knowing that becoming parents would change things.

 

Marriage isn't always sunshine & roses. Let's be honest I don't even particularly like him sometimes, yet others I still get those butterflies in my tummy just looking at him. After a while it does become safe, best friends, lovers, reliable, dependable, take each other for granted, secure...Its the loss of that feeling that I mourn more than anything!!! I love safe & secure!!!

 

Play this game for me? How did your H propose? Recall the whole experience. How did you feel? What was it like preparing for your wedding day? Try to feel again what it felt like to look at him as you said your vows. Remember your hen night. We're there doubts? What did you confide in your bridesmaids? What was your wedding night like? Your honeymoon? When did you first know that he was 'The One' for you?

 

Be honest with yourself. Dig REALLY deep without the veil of financial stress, too much work, too much travel, fancying the OM etc. Who were you guys as a couple when it was at its best? No, "but I didn't know at the time...." just honestly get your head & heart back to that good place. Forget about how you NOW THINK you feel because you know that can't be trusted.

 

If you really did make a mistake when you said "I do!" now's the time to be honest with yourself. I'm not a big fan of divorce but the prospect of living unhappily, in quiet desperation is far, far worse.

[Aloneuk]

K

Thank you. Although I can be very emotional at times & without doubt I've been dealing with intense shock & pain I have always known that my husband didn't really intend on going anywhere! It's not really a matter of knowing "that he wanted to reconcile" it's more that he doesn't really see that there's anything to work-on or reconcile!! Ugh!!!

 

He had a little fantasy, told some lies, said some horrible things (which he describes as an out of body experience that he can't really explain) but it wasn't 'real' so why can't I just get-over it & move-on as if nothing happened...because nothing actually happened!! Double ugh!!

 

Anyway, no matter how bad it gets, BOTH of us would/will always say that we were truly, madly, deeply in love for a very long time. The question for you is simply is there enough love in your marriage for it to be worth working on?

 

It's my understanding that you don't have children. Do you want a family? Remind me how old you are please.

 

I've been with my H since I was 21, him 22. We celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary in August. We were together 6 years before we married & married 10 years before we had our first baby. It was planned that way. We had many 'adventures' knowing that becoming parents would change things.

 

Marriage isn't always sunshine & roses. Let's be honest I don't even particularly like him sometimes, yet others I still get those butterflies in my tummy just looking at him. After a while it does become safe, best friends, lovers, reliable, dependable, take each other for granted, secure...Its the loss of that feeling that I mourn more than anything!!! I love safe & secure!!!

 

Play this game for me? How did your H propose? Recall the whole experience. How did you feel? What was it like preparing for your wedding day? Try to feel again what it felt like to look at him as you said your vows. Remember your hen night. We're there doubts? What did you confide in your bridesmaids? What was your wedding night like? Your honeymoon? When did you first know that he was 'The One' for you?

 

Be honest with yourself. Dig REALLY deep without the veil of financial stress, too much work, too much travel, fancying the OM etc. Who were you guys as a couple when it was at its best? No, "but I didn't know at the time...." just honestly get your head & heart back to that good place. Forget about how you NOW THINK you feel because you know that can't be trusted.

 

If you really did make a mistake when you said "I do!" now's the time to be honest with yourself. I'm not a big fan of divorce but the prospect of living unhappily, in quiet desperation is far, far worse.

 

Thanks for this reply. I find it so helpful to hear about the dynamics in other relationships. I realise all Rs are different but I find it so interesting to hear how others feel.

 

I'm 35, no children. H is 37. OM is 47. H and I have a bit of an odd relationship in that we have never really had honest conversations about the future. H is so work orientated and thats all we ever discuss. We have never had future plans for our lives, where we will live, even holidays. Everything is reactive rather than planned. I have tried having the conversation about children and the future before but he never gives me a straight answer. I've never been one to really *really* want to be a mum, but as I get further on into my mid 30s it's something I do want to make a decision on one way or another.

 

Its my fault that I didn't think much to the lack of conversations about our lives and the future til I met the OM and then found we were really able to talk and it highlighted the massive difference in what it's like to be able to talk to someone in that way. OM and I have even had the kid talk... He wants kids, his partner doesn't. I guess this has an impact on why he is questioning his life and relationship now. I scarily could imagine myself having kids with OM and the intensity of that realisation shook me up.

 

When the relationship between me and H was at its very best, it has always been very safe and secure. I'm not belittling that, as it's a good thing. But I don't know that either of us had the 'madly in love' feelings for each other. I know we made each other priority and wanted to spend a lot of time with each other, but its never been a passionate 'we want to rip each others clothes off' or 'stay up all night talking about anything and everything' love. Because he's always been away a lot, even before he started the business (he competed in the sport his business is in beforehand) so we've always led very separate lives. We don't row (not even when I told him about OM) and everything is always very steady. No highs, no lows, just a constant steadiness. This has made me feel numb. But ultimately I do love him - he has lots of great qualities and a kindness and patience that has shone through in this situation. But is that enough? I'm obviously unfulfilled otherwise I wouldn't have gotten so much out of the interactions with the OM. Also I have suffered from a mild depression over the last 5 years or so and am taking a small dose of anti depressent. I have never been able to figure out the cause and this is always in the back of my mind - what if the depression is affecting my thoughts about the R?

 

I think the difference with me and 'my' OM (and I realise OM may be future faking and perhaps this is typical WS speak) is that we have crossed a line both emotionally and physically and now agreed NC because we know it was wrong, and need to sort our relationships and own thoughts out first. I know that crossing the line was terribly wrong in the first place but does the fact that we haven't just slipped into an affair show anything? That we might be serious about wanting to pursue a future togethrt? Perhaps it doesn't and I'm reading too much into it. But even if there is no future with OM, it's like a light switch has been switched on in my brain and heart which is showing me what might be possible in a relationship.

 

Just trying to be honest as possible and thinking out loud

So sorry if it sounds like I'm rambling!

Edited January 3, 2017 by Aloneuk

[Just a Guy]

Hi Alone, it seems you are beating about the bush but not addressing the brass tacks of your situation. The fact is that your husband is the known devil and completely predictable. The OM and you have only interacted superficially. You do not live with him, you do not know if he snores and if so, louder than your husband, you have'nt tread on his toes and neither has he because you have'nt lived together. You have only observed his one major plus point which is, engaging you in conversation. This talk of being madly in love and feeling like ripping off each others clothes seems juvenile to me. Yes, there may be some relationships which start like that but I would think those would be volatile and may not last the distance. You have'nt said a thing about your sex life as to whether it is satisfying or below or above par. From the way you have written about your husband I would take it that your sex life has been below par and that is something that is irking you.

 

You have said you are now 35 years old and your biological clock is definitely ticking. As I said before, time waits for no one and if your deepest desire is to have children then you better make up your mind about your husband soon. He may not want kids because of his preoccupation with his business. The OM has said he does whereas his wife had shot it down and this is one of the reasons bugging him about his marriage. If you two have convergent views on having kids then choose now before both of you join the geriatric brigade. My point in all this is that you have been waffling big time and it is now time for you to bite the bullet. You cannot go on like this. I want to add one thing which is that you should not lay the blame on your husband for starting and being involved in his business. This is because it is apparent that you supported him in the decision to the extent that you willingly went ahead with the remortgage of your house to arrange for funds for him to initiate things. After that you have willingly and voluntarily supported him financially till he had been able to get his business up and running. You cannot now go back and claim some moral high ground for having done so. Also, businesses when being got off the ground, require tremendous hard work and involvement. You should be grateful your husband has worked his a.. Off getting his business off the ground and into a viable operation. He could just as easily have made a hash of things and lost your joint investment. Your quibble seems to resemble the ones where wives of servicemen complain of lack of attention and physical fulfillment because their husbands are deployed overseas and so they seek the comfort of other men who are eager to oblige. It seems almost sacrilegious to me.

 

The simple fact of the matter is take the bull by the horns, tell your husband you are unhappy and would like a divorce and then put things in to motion. If you cannot do that then just accept your husband for what he is and make the best of what you have. Waffling and beating about the bush are not going to solve your problem for you magically. Warm wishes.

Edited January 3, 2017 by Just a Guy

[Aloneuk]

Hi Alone, it seems you are beating about the bush but not addressing the brass tacks of your situation. The fact is that your husband is the known devil and completely predictable. The OM and you have only interacted superficially. You do not live with him, you do not know if he snores and if so, louder than your husband, you have'nt tread on his toes and neither has he because you have'nt lived together. You have only observed his one major plus point which is, engaging you in conversation. This talk of being madly in love and feeling like ripping off each others clothes seems juvenile to me. Yes, there may be some relationships which start like that but I would think those would be volatile and may not last the distance. You have'nt said a thing about your sex life as to whether it is satisfying or below or above par. From the way you have written about your husband I would take it that your sex life has been below par and that is something that is irking you.

 

You have said you are now 35 years old and your biological clock is definitely ticking. As I said before, time waits for no one and if your deepest desire is to have children then you better make up your mind about your husband soon. He may not want kids because of his preoccupation with his business. The OM has said he does whereas his wife had shot it down and this is one of the reasons bugging him about his marriage. If you two have convergent views on having kids then choose now before both of you join the geriatric brigade. My point in all this is that you have been waffling big time and it is now time for you to bite the bullet. You cannot go on like this. I want to add one thing which is that you should not lay the blame on your husband for starting and being involved in his business. This is because it is apparent that you supported him in the decision to the extent that you willingly went ahead with the remortgage of your house to arrange for funds for him to initiate things. After that you have willingly and voluntarily supported him financially till he had been able to get his business up and running. You cannot now go back and claim some moral high ground for having done so. Also, businesses when being got off the ground, require tremendous hard work and involvement. You should be grateful your husband has worked his a.. Off getting his business off the ground and into a viable operation. He could just as easily have made a hash of things and lost your joint investment. Your quibble seems to resemble the ones where wives of servicemen complain of lack of attention and physical fulfillment because their husbands are deployed overseas and so they seek the comfort of other men who are eager to oblige. It seems almost sacrilegious to me.

 

The simple fact of the matter is take the bull by the horns, tell your husband you are unhappy and would like a divorce and then put things in to motion. If you cannot do that then just accept your husband for what he is and make the best of what you have. Waffling and beating about the bush are not going to solve your problem for you magically. Warm wishes.

 

Thank you. You make a lot of valid points. I'm not meaning to point any blame at H...this situation is all my doing...just trying to explain my thought process and background. I'm very proud of how hard H works, but at the same time, selfishly, did not realise what an impact it would have on our relationship.

 

Thanks again for talking the time out to comment.

[elaine567]

Also I have suffered from a mild depression over the last 5 years or so and am taking a small dose of anti depressent. I have never been able to figure out the cause and this is always in the back of my mind - what if the depression is affecting my thoughts about the R?

 

What if the lack of fulfilment in your marriage is causing the depression?

[LifesontheUp]

Thank you. You make a lot of valid points. I'm not meaning to point any blame at H...this situation is all my doing...just trying to explain my thought process and background. I'm very proud of how hard H works, but at the same time, selfishly, did not realise what an impact it would have on our relationship.

 

Thanks again for talking the time out to comment.

 

I've already said that if he is willing to work on your relationship and by that going to MC and IC then I think you should consider giving it a go. From reading your posts and again this one, the troubles you've encountered are because he has focussed on his work and had no time for you which has meant you have become disconnected and unhappy. If this were to change, if you both invested in your marriage could you see it working out? Do you think your husband can change and make you more of a priority?

 

This is what you need to think about and definitely without the OM being in any contact with you as all that is doing is confusing the situation.

[elaine567]

I think H has something called Alexithymia. Its when people have difficulty identifying or describing their emotions. Typically alexithymics are loyal, hard working, practical, logical, stoic, workaholics. They lack imagination, empathy, and emotional intelligence. I feel this summed up my H exactly, and asked him to try the online official test. I scored 12 (very low). He scored 134 (very high). I'm fully aware an online test can't be 100% relied upon but I feel almost relieved that it has a name

This would explain his lack of understanding of the emotional connection and feelings I am missing in our relationship, the fact he doesnt understand why date nights etc are important. Its our one year wedding anniversary this week and he has organised nothing. Its not that he had forgotten, it's almost like it just doesn't matter. Alexithymics show their affection by providing, which would explain why he thinks that him going to work all the time is him showing he loves me.

 

This also explains to me why I was so flattered / affected by work guys advances. I had genuinely forgotten what its like to have a connection (yes albeit a brief drunken one) with someone who was attracted to me. I have also been so happy at the emotional contact when we have been discussing what might have happened, because I am craving emotional intimacy and tragically I have gotten more from work guy in those brief moments than I have from H in many years.

^^^this is the key^^^^

When the OP left, the only thing he said was that he missed the sex.

He has no comprehension of the term "relationship" - they rattled along well enough together at first as she had just come out of a 10 year romance and so no doubt all her walls were up and he was a safe pair of hands. She did all the emotional work too. They don't fight all is hunky dory.

Only it isn't. She is "depressed" and unhappy.

NOW she is looking for a "connection", and her husband has no idea what she even means.

He sees nothing wrong, nothing to fix

 

Many women get past this emotional disconnect, by

1. having loads of female friends or a female best friend or a family member. Women she can really talk to, women who understand, women she can vent to.

2. having kids and lavishing them with her attention.

3. having affairs with men who can give her the emotional connection she seeks

4. burying herself in work or volunteering

5. shutting down and becoming numb.

6. seeking comfort in unhealthy pursuits. Self medicating with drugs or alcohol, binging on food, gambling etc. even excessive use of the gym can be unhealthy if it is used simply to fill a gap in her life.

7. consulting a therapist

8. getting a divorce

 

OR she gets by with a mixture of these "coping" strategies.

[Aloneuk]

^^^this is the key^^^^

When the OP left, the only thing he said was that he missed the sex.

He has no comprehension of the term "relationship" - they rattled along well enough together at first as she had just come out of a 10 year romance and so no doubt all her walls were up and he was a safe pair of hands. She did all the emotional work too. They don't fight all is hunky dory.

Only it isn't. She is "depressed" and unhappy.

NOW she is looking for a "connection", and her husband has no idea what she even means.

He sees nothing wrong, nothing to fix

 

Many women get past this emotional disconnect, by

1. having loads of female friends or a female best friend or a family member. Women she can really talk to, women who understand, women she can vent to.

2. having kids and lavishing them with her attention.

3. having affairs with men who can give her the emotional connection she seeks

4. burying herself in work or volunteering

5. shutting down and becoming numb.

6. seeking comfort in unhealthy pursuits. Self medicating with drugs or alcohol, binging on food, gambling etc. even excessive use of the gym can be unhealthy if it is used simply to fill a gap in her life.

7. consulting a therapist

8. getting a divorce

 

OR she gets by with a mixture of these "coping" strategies.

 

1, 5, 6 and 7 plus bordering on number 3 so far!

I can't blame H for the way I feel. I knew what he was like and how our relationship was when I married him. But I do have to get my act together and make some decisions now.

 

Thanks for your replies Elaine, as you do seem to understand the problems in the relationship very well.

[tinkerbell16]

Just another typical workplace affair. They all play out the same.

 

 

That they do. Nothing new here, OP can fast forward her situation two years, her marriage over, MM stays with wife and discards her.

 

Their "connection" loses all fizzle once his ego gets the reality check of losing his family.

 

Curios what OP's husbands point of view is. I imagine my ex H used my working too much as an excuse to start his work affair. Reality was I worked more to avoid the angry, distant husband he became (all due to his "confusion" while having a work affair).

 

All perspective.

 

Ps... as soon as I stopped my Ex's cake eating/filed for divorce, he came back realizing what he lost full of regret.

 

Too late...

 

Grass is greener where you water it.

 

Your husband was good enough for you to marry... now he is not?

 

What happened to your vows?

 

Maybe he is distant because he KNOWS you are cheating and it makes him feel like why bother? She doesn't want or respect me in any way.

 

Hard to rally for someone that makes you feel like sh&×.

 

Sorry for passionate reply... just offering another perspective.

 

You can't compete with the MM 20 year relationship. You are a mid life crises affair only. He will discard you once he is done with his ego stroking. Or worse, his wife will divorce him and he will stay with you (to save face) and resent how you broke up his marriage. My ex still with his affair partner and still tells me he loves me and regrets losing me.

 

Twisted.

 

OP when you allow a 3rd party into a marriage, yours or MM nothing good can come of it. Your making decisions based on a false or imagined future together.

 

Your affair with MM is not a snapshot of what life would be like living or married to MM.

 

It is affair fantasy.

 

All relationships have lulls, struggles, conflicts, good times, bad. It's how you deal with those struggles that establish the success of the relationship.

 

Jumping from one pan to another is not a healthy way to deal with your marriage issues.

 

You have mentioned going NC several times with MM however you continue contact.

 

MM is stroking your ego as well.

 

This contact skews your point of view regarding your marriage.

 

Ask yourself if MM wasn't in the picture how would you be acting towards your husband? Or if your husband 180 what would you do? Are you ok with losing him for good for a very likely short term relationship with a MM?

Edited January 4, 2017 by tinkerbell16

[MickeyBill]

I don't think it has come up in this thread but what about the history of the OM that AloneUK is involved with? As a higher up in the company, successful and handsome I would think he may have had a string of office flings with a series of PYTs. Sounded like he was pretty slick at the work drink parties in working the hookup. NOT his first rodeo.

Long term relationship he's unsure of but can't just bail out of...seems pretty convenient. OM wife probably has a nickname for his office sidepieces, puts up with it because it's 20 years and she is ok with the situation. Wouldn't be the first time.

I maybe cynical but this is pretty close to what ended my marriage, not a boss's boss, but a major vendor. Played my x like apro then broke it off after we D.

 

And WTF is being "almost physical"?

[Aloneuk]

Thanks for your comments.

 

I dont think OM is the stereotypical guy who has affairs. He told me he's not cheated before and I believe him. Yeah, could be wrong but it's my gut instinct. We also work in a small company where if this is something he had done with a work colleague before, people would talk.

 

'Almost physical' means we were physical but stopped at sleeping with each other.

 

I'm in a better place now. I've been attending MC with H. We're coming to the conclusion that H and I are on different levels emotionally. By that, I mean that I want to be in a relationship with someone who I am able to talk to and connect emotionally. I didn't realise H and I didn't have that until I met OM and it was like a lightning bolt. H has said he doesn't understand emotional connections and the need to connect with me, and talk with me on more than a superficial level of things like what we have done that day. H also says he thinks our relationship is fine. He is not bothered by the amount of time he is away for work, nor about out lack of emotional intimacy, and apart from my A and the lack of physical intimacy between us in recent months, he is happy with our marriage. It's hard to fix something when one party doesn't think it's broken. We are working with the MC to see if this is something we can overcome and can somehow figure out but it's too early to say. I suspect it's not, but we're trying.

 

I know this is my fault, I married H because he's a good guy but didn't realise that we perhaps weren't great for each other. I didn't realise the emotional intimacy was missing because I didn't realise it was possible to have that sort of relationship. I guess I thought all guys were like H emotionally. I have known for some years that I haven't been happy and have been seeing an IC on and off and also been on anti depressants. I have always thought something wasn't right with my life but didn't think it was my relationship with H because he's a 'nice guy'.

 

I thought OM might leave his W but I suspect he won't after all. I don't know what's happening there as I have stopped communicating with him as it was confusing matters. I have taken a step back from him and gone as NC as I can whilst working at the same place.

 

I realised after I last posted that I needed to see if I can fix my marriage without the influence of OM. There's no doubt I have feelings for OM bit whether that's more about how he made me feel than him as a person, I don't know.

 

Thanks for all your comments

[Just a Guy]

Hi Alone, good to know that you and your husband are working on your marriage. I have to say after having read all that you have had to say about your husband that you are probably a very lucky lady to have someone with his qualities. When we read of the sad stories that people relate here about husbands and wives who throw their marriages away for OWs'/OMs' who are not a patch on their spouses but who, in the moment seem like the "Made for each other" type, one can only shake one's head in sadness.

 

Sometimes people do not realize what they have till they have lost it. If you read the thread about Drone's wife you will see what I mean. She had everything but she threw it all away and now she stands to lose the only man who truly loved her and took care of her. Like that there are so many stories on this forum and reading them will give you the true perspective of what it means to have a loyal and loving spouse. I am sure that your husband loves you deeply otherwise he would not have stayed by your side for so long. I think deep down you love him too. If you just keep that in mind you will be able to weather any storms that buffet you in the short term present. Hope better wisdom will prevail on both your parts and that both of you will try and make a go of things and make your marriage a happier and more satisfying one. Best of luck!