Tension with work colleague, both in committed relationships - what does this mean?

[MickeyBill]

Sounds to me AloneUK is that you are doing the right thing by stepping back for yourself. You need to decide if you can live for decades with a "good guy" who has little emotion or interest in the M. Think about going back to him just because you "should"

This may be a wake up call and a chance to change him (doubtful) or decide to accept the inequalities in your emotional needs in order to prolong the M (sad) for many years...

You both need to find someone to have a simpatico relationship with.

 

Obviously you know your gut and the OM and I don't but why is it that so many people believe it when he or she says that they have "never done this before".

Also looking at your first threads you seem very trusting, which is good but us men know other men who "achieve success" with women on a phenomenal scale. They have some fun and when things get serious there's the committed 20 year relationship they forgot about.

 

Good luck and I hope you get this sorted out and are soon HappyUK.

[Overtaxed]

Thanks for your comments.

 

I dont think OM is the stereotypical guy who has affairs. He told me he's not cheated before and I believe him. Yeah, could be wrong but it's my gut instinct. We also work in a small company where if this is something he had done with a work colleague before, people would talk.

 

'Almost physical' means we were physical but stopped at sleeping with each other.

 

I'm in a better place now. I've been attending MC with H. We're coming to the conclusion that H and I are on different levels emotionally. By that, I mean that I want to be in a relationship with someone who I am able to talk to and connect emotionally. I didn't realise H and I didn't have that until I met OM and it was like a lightning bolt. H has said he doesn't understand emotional connections and the need to connect with me, and talk with me on more than a superficial level of things like what we have done that day. H also says he thinks our relationship is fine. He is not bothered by the amount of time he is away for work, nor about out lack of emotional intimacy, and apart from my A and the lack of physical intimacy between us in recent months, he is happy with our marriage. It's hard to fix something when one party doesn't think it's broken. We are working with the MC to see if this is something we can overcome and can somehow figure out but it's too early to say. I suspect it's not, but we're trying.

 

I know this is my fault, I married H because he's a good guy but didn't realise that we perhaps weren't great for each other. I didn't realise the emotional intimacy was missing because I didn't realise it was possible to have that sort of relationship. I guess I thought all guys were like H emotionally. I have known for some years that I haven't been happy and have been seeing an IC on and off and also been on anti depressants. I have always thought something wasn't right with my life but didn't think it was my relationship with H because he's a 'nice guy'.

 

I thought OM might leave his W but I suspect he won't after all. I don't know what's happening there as I have stopped communicating with him as it was confusing matters. I have taken a step back from him and gone as NC as I can whilst working at the same place.

 

I realised after I last posted that I needed to see if I can fix my marriage without the influence of OM. There's no doubt I have feelings for OM bit whether that's more about how he made me feel than him as a person, I don't know.

 

Thanks for all your comments

 

Allow me to add a bit to this, because, high level, this sounds exactly like what my wife went through (except that she actually did cheat). Workplace "romance" with a guy who "emotionally gets her".

 

Let me tell you something that's going to be a tough pill to swallow. I read just about every txt/e-mail between my W and the AP from the first contact until the "goodbye". What my wife saw as "emotional connection" was nothing more than a guy reading a script from a PUA (pick up artist) handbook. It was so "flat" and so easy to see through it was nearly pathetic. Men who are trying to connect with you "emotionally" at work are doing anything BUT that. They are "spitting game" at you with one goal in mind, you in their bed cheating on your husband with him. You mention he seemed "so confused" and "conflicted". Honey, that's textbook push/pull. Right out of the 100's of handbooks for men on how to easily bed women, or how to get women in committed relationships to step out.

 

You further mentioned he's "never done this before". My wife's AP said the same thing. Come to find out, after speaking with his wife, this is the 3rd time she's caught him. How many times did she not catch him? Who knows, but I can guarantee it was more than 1. He's done this before, he knows exactly what he's doing, and you're letting him play you for a fool. He's using psychological tricks on you to build a connection for the sole purpose of bedding you. If you're OK with that, go ahead and sleep with him. But realize what's happening here.

 

Also, if you do choose to sleep with him and your H finds out and boots you, you know what's going to happen? He's going to disappear from your life. You'll be alone, any talk about him "supporting you" or leaving his wife? It's exactly that, just talk. He'll drop you like a bad habit and move on to the next one; another girl dying for some sort of "emotional connection" that he can simulate with enough "player" BS he's learned from hours of reading. It's textbook, and what you're describing is so cliche for how to pick up a married woman that I think I know what book he read and what script he's following. He has no desire at all for an emotional connection with you beyond what it takes to get your underwear off; you thinking otherwise is beyond wrong headed, it's insanity.

 

Now, one suggestion I'd offer. Read "The 5 love languages". Your H isn't speaking your lang, you need to tell him what it is.

[DKT3]

Honestly, I don't think there is much hope for your marriage and your husband deserves better.

 

What I get in reading your last entry is "well let me see if I can make my marriage work since OM won't be leaving his wife"

 

Doesn't sound like something you would do to someone you care about, not really. I mean you would have cut your husband off if OM came to you having left his wife.

 

Your entire thread has been my husband isn't good enough for me.....Oh wait I can't have MM let's see if I can make my marriage work. Extremely selfish and insensitive. With the likely outcome being you in another affair or back in this same one.

 

Just end the marriage already, stop putting your husband through the business, clear as day he isn't good enough for you, in your mind.

[Aloneuk]

Honestly, I don't think there is much hope for your marriage and your husband deserves better.

 

What I get in reading your last entry is "well let me see if I can make my marriage work since OM won't be leaving his wife"

 

Doesn't sound like something you would do to someone you care about, not really. I mean you would have cut your husband off if OM came to you having left his wife.

 

Your entire thread has been my husband isn't good enough for me.....Oh wait I can't have MM let's see if I can make my marriage work. Extremely selfish and insensitive. With the likely outcome being you in another affair or back in this same one.

 

Just end the marriage already, stop putting your husband through the business, clear as day he isn't good enough for you, in your mind.

 

I disagree with this. It's not about my H not being good enough for me. I've said all along he's a great guy and I think a lot of him. But that doesn't necessarily mean we're compatible as H and W (but that's on me as I should have figured that out before getting married).

 

I have gone NC with OM and I initiated that. I realised I needed to consider the marriage in isolation to the OM and not make any decisions based on him. I said I didn't think he was leaving his partner now because I think I would have heard on the grapevine if that had happened.

 

I know I have acted badly this past 6 months and am trying to get through it as best as I can. MC is helping both of us consider what is lacking in our M and where we have both been lacking

[Aloneuk]

Allow me to add a bit to this, because, high level, this sounds exactly like what my wife went through (except that she actually did cheat). Workplace "romance" with a guy who "emotionally gets her".

 

Let me tell you something that's going to be a tough pill to swallow. I read just about every txt/e-mail between my W and the AP from the first contact until the "goodbye". What my wife saw as "emotional connection" was nothing more than a guy reading a script from a PUA (pick up artist) handbook. It was so "flat" and so easy to see through it was nearly pathetic. Men who are trying to connect with you "emotionally" at work are doing anything BUT that. They are "spitting game" at you with one goal in mind, you in their bed cheating on your husband with him. You mention he seemed "so confused" and "conflicted". Honey, that's textbook push/pull. Right out of the 100's of handbooks for men on how to easily bed women, or how to get women in committed relationships to step out.

 

You further mentioned he's "never done this before". My wife's AP said the same thing. Come to find out, after speaking with his wife, this is the 3rd time she's caught him. How many times did she not catch him? Who knows, but I can guarantee it was more than 1. He's done this before, he knows exactly what he's doing, and you're letting him play you for a fool. He's using psychological tricks on you to build a connection for the sole purpose of bedding you. If you're OK with that, go ahead and sleep with him. But realize what's happening here.

 

Also, if you do choose to sleep with him and your H finds out and boots you, you know what's going to happen? He's going to disappear from your life. You'll be alone, any talk about him "supporting you" or leaving his wife? It's exactly that, just talk. He'll drop you like a bad habit and move on to the next one; another girl dying for some sort of "emotional connection" that he can simulate with enough "player" BS he's learned from hours of reading. It's textbook, and what you're describing is so cliche for how to pick up a married woman that I think I know what book he read and what script he's following. He has no desire at all for an emotional connection with you beyond what it takes to get your underwear off; you thinking otherwise is beyond wrong headed, it's insanity.

 

Now, one suggestion I'd offer. Read "The 5 love languages". Your H isn't speaking your lang, you need to tell him what it is.

 

Thanks - have gone NC and whatever it was that OM and I had is finished. You may be right about him, I guess time will tell.

 

Thanks for tip re love languages, will check out that book

[DKT3]

I disagree with this. It's not about my H not being good enough for me. I've said all along he's a great guy and I think a lot of him. But that doesn't necessarily mean we're compatible as H and W (but that's on me as I should have figured that out before getting married).

 

I have gone NC with OM and I initiated that. I realised I needed to consider the marriage in isolation to the OM and not make any decisions based on him. I said I didn't think he was leaving his partner now because I think I would have heard on the grapevine if that had happened.

 

I know I have acted badly this past 6 months and am trying to get through it as best as I can. MC is helping both of us consider what is lacking in our M and where we have both been lacking

 

You totally avoided the meat of my comments which is you kind of knowing Mm wouldn't leave was the catylast to you going NC and making what I think is half hearted attempt with the marriage. Even now you're hoping to get information that MM is leaving or has left.

 

What I'm saying is quit messing around, your husband deserves better than a woman allowing another man to determine the outcome of his marriage. If MM calls you today and says I left and I want you, you would be gone....So why stay only because that hasn't happened? Completely unfair to someone you are supposed to care about and think so highly of.

 

You're simply not committed, so leave him be.

[Aloneuk]

You totally avoided the meat of my comments which is you kind of knowing Mm wouldn't leave was the catylast to you going NC and making what I think is half hearted attempt with the marriage. Even now you're hoping to get information that MM is leaving or has left.

 

What I'm saying is quit messing around, your husband deserves better than a woman allowing another man to determine the outcome of his marriage. If MM calls you today and says I left and I want you, you would be gone....So why stay only because that hasn't happened? Completely unfair to someone you are supposed to care about and think so highly of.

 

You're simply not committed, so leave him be.

 

You are right in your point about me not being committed to H, my actions have shown that. But I disagree with the rest.

 

I'm trying to work on my M with the MC and my H to see if we can get to a point where we both commit to the M again. I admit I have behaved badly, but H has also not been committed to the M, as mentioned in previous posts. He hasnt strayed (as far as I know), but he hasn't been actively involved in our M for a long time now, and before I met the OM, which he admits has massively contributed to our problems and where we are now.

 

You may be right that it's too much to come back from but think it's important we try.

 

Thanks again

[Just a Guy]

Hi Alone, how are you and your husband coming along? I wanted to know whether deep down you really love your husband or not? I mean what most people mean when they say 'I'm in love with you', not the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you" kind of love. As a matter of fact I guess we all know whether we really are tied to our spouses at a deep level and would grieve if we lost them for whatever reason. I am asking because this is something you need to establish before you try to work on your marriage just for the sake of appearing to do the right thing. I mean the 'I did everything to save my marriage but it was not to be' kind of effort. If you know deep in your heart that you do not truly love your husband then be kind to him and yourself and just let him go. There is no point in wasting time and effort in trying something that you know is fated to fail because the essence is missing. I know this is a difficult thing for you to come to grips with and you may not want to admit you really do not love your husband even to yourself but this is key to any reconciliation effort.

 

If you just want to 'settle' for him then that is a different thing. A lot of people do just that and lead outwardly normal and happy lives but internally they remain unhappy because their subconscious mind keeps reminding them that they are living a lie. It will take courage to do this kind of an internal reflection of your innermost emotions and feelings at such a fundamental level but do it you must. You owe it to yourself and your husband. Whatever happens I wish you the very best going forward and do hope for your sake that things work out for you the way you are hoping they would. Cheers.

[Try]

I admit I have behaved badly, but H has also not been committed to the M, as mentioned in previous posts. He hasnt strayed (as far as I know), but he hasn't been actively involved in our M for a long time now, and before I met the OM, which he admits has massively contributed to our problems and where we are now.

I call bull on your husband not being "actively involved" in your marriage having "massively contributed" to your marital problems. This is called blame shifting and it is a common thing done by cheaters. It is also very common for the cheated on spouse to accept this false blame because the cheater makes it a condition of working on saving the marriage. Blame shifting is done by reinventing history where a cheater makes a big deal about every imperfection of the cheated on spouse, while downplaying the cheater's imperfections. If your husband was the one posting here, we would be telling him to stop doing the pick me dance, and that a cheater needs to take 100% responsibly for their cheating before the cheated on spouse should even consider giving the cheater another chance.

[BuddyX]

"there is a very good chance your attempt is to rationalize your affair by picking apart your marriage, be very careful here." LS member

[Aloneuk]

Hi Alone, how are you and your husband coming along? I wanted to know whether deep down you really love your husband or not? I mean what most people mean when they say 'I'm in love with you', not the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you" kind of love. As a matter of fact I guess we all know whether we really are tied to our spouses at a deep level and would grieve if we lost them for whatever reason. I am asking because this is something you need to establish before you try to work on your marriage just for the sake of appearing to do the right thing. I mean the 'I did everything to save my marriage but it was not to be' kind of effort. If you know deep in your heart that you do not truly love your husband then be kind to him and yourself and just let him go. There is no point in wasting time and effort in trying something that you know is fated to fail because the essence is missing. I know this is a difficult thing for you to come to grips with and you may not want to admit you really do not love your husband even to yourself but this is key to any reconciliation effort.

 

If you just want to 'settle' for him then that is a different thing. A lot of people do just that and lead outwardly normal and happy lives but internally they remain unhappy because their subconscious mind keeps reminding them that they are living a lie. It will take courage to do this kind of an internal reflection of your innermost emotions and feelings at such a fundamental level but do it you must. You owe it to yourself and your husband. Whatever happens I wish you the very best going forward and do hope for your sake that things work out for you the way you are hoping they would. Cheers.

 

Thanks for your post Justaguy.

 

I'll be totally honest and say I don't know. I do know I love my H in the fact I care for him deeply and want him to be happy. We get on well but I'm not sure there's the 'essence' there you talk about. How do we know for sure?! I don't know whether we are more like good friends rather than H and W, and if it's possible to turn our relationship round.

 

We're still doing MC. I am still living in my apartment with occasional overnight stays at home with H. We sleep in the same bed when I come home but we have not been physically intimate in 6 months. When I stay at home we hang out, have dinner, watch TV and that's about it.

 

H is insistent he wants to reconcile and make things work but I don't feel any further forward to be honest. We seem to be stuck in this rut of not being able to move forward.

 

I feel I am reaching the point where a decision cannot be held off any longer. I wonder if we're just afraid of the unknown or if we can actually get past this. H says he wants the M to work but with him being generally unemotional and distant it's so hard...

[Overtaxed]

Thanks - have gone NC and whatever it was that OM and I had is finished. You may be right about him, I guess time will tell.

 

Thanks for tip re love languages, will check out that book

 

It's a good book, it really does seem to explain a lot of how things fell apart between my wife and I.

 

I'm sorry for making it so blunt; but, men who sleep with married women (when they know you are married) are 99% of the time, not interested in anything but sex. I know, because, sadly, I did it as a young man (unknowingly at first, not that it's any excuse, because it persisted after I knew).

 

There are certain "buttons" that men can learn to push on women to make them feel "closer" when, in fact, the man has anything but that in mind. He's trying to get you comfortable enough and feel enough of a connection to him to get naked. That's it. And this "knowledge" has become much more widespread, there are even books (so sad) on bedding married women floating around out there. Promise the world, say anything, because.. Who cares; it's not going to last anyway (and they don't want it to last). In my case, the OM was telling the my wife that she should be a mother, and what good looking kids they would make (a serious emotional weak point for her). What she didn't know, he had a vasectomy years ago! Even it was reversible (doubtful after this long), his wife would have destroyed him in court; he already has a few kids and he doesn't work. So the money for a V reversal? LOL, good luck with that.

 

The point? He was willing to say anything to keep my wife entangled. He had NO intention of getting her pregnant, or, in fact, of even leaving his wife to be with her. He just wanted some "on the side". And he's a serial cheater to boot.

 

Remember; they will SAY ANYTHING to get you naked, and then keep SAYING ANYTHING to keep you around. It's not about the reality, at all, it's all about building a fantasy relationship.