Tension with work colleague, both in committed relationships - what does this mean?

[Aloneuk]

There's an easy way to squash this. Tell the MM is he makes a move you'll tell his wife. And before you tell us, about hurting "his feelings", just remind yourself what's more important; his feelings or your marriage?

 

In regards to your hubby. His job is to provide, protect, and be present. It appears he's failing in the latter. Sit him down and tell him you're drifting apart. He needs to spend more time with you. However, if at any point during the conversation he asks about "other men" you have to be honest and tell him everything.

 

Thanks for your comments.

Husband is aware of work guy and what has happened although the only thing I left out was my questionable feelings for him. He knows I was tempted when he tried to kiss me. He also knows jow I have been feeling over past few years as I have constantly tried to talk to him about it. I had asked husband 2 years ago and periodically since if he could commit to a date night with me every few weeks where we can spend time together away from his work (he is away a lot of time from March - September each year then also works every day and evenings when at home. Date night has never happened. I have told him that I need more from him but so far he has been unable to provide it. As a result I have stopped trying so hard as I resent the one being the only one trying in the marriage, and we have drifted apart and even lately stopped having sex. That's not to say we dont get on-but we have more crossed over into room mate territory than lovers.

 

Not trying to make excuses, just letting you know how I found myself in this situation.

 

I have suggested marriage counselling but husband says no. He doesn't think there is anything wrong with our marriage (apart from the lack of sex). He definitely has different expectations to me....

[TobyBoy]

So what are these "feelings" you have for your married boss that you won't share with your husband?

[Aloneuk]

So what are these "feelings" you have for your married boss that you won't share with your husband?

 

Just that I am very confused about everything and was more tempted by his advances than I should have been.

 

Also he's not my boss, but more senior in the organisation.

[TobyBoy]

Just that I am very confused about everything and was more tempted by his advances than I should have been.

 

Also he's not my boss, but more senior in the organisation.

 

What's there to confuse? He saw a vulnerable, desperate, easy target for some side action and made his move! He got what he wanted. Validation!!! That you are available and will continue to feed him that validation at his call. Is this what you want be?

[merrmeade]

I think given was happened the first night, you should not have followed him out. He was trying to get away and resist temptation but you followed him. I can see why he was annoyed. In all honesty, if I was you I wouldn't have gone that night.

 

I mean if he didn't go out that night, you'd have still got home wouldn't you?

 

It's going to keep being awkward and I'd look for another job ASAP.

Which is why your naïveté is so disingenuous. You're playing mind games with yourself if you think your going out of the pub at the same time with the express intent of taking the train together, just the two of you after ALL the communication, introspection and direct discussion of avoiding an affair between you.

 

That's why the part in bold here is utterly absurd:

So I followed him out of pub, flagged him down and said I was going home now too. He seemed really annoyed at this, said something like 'I knew this would happen' and indicated he had left quickly to prevent this?! I said I didnt understand what he meant, that I just wanted to get the train home with someone so not on my own and we are the only ones travelling that way?

[Aloneuk]

Which is why your naïveté is so disingenuous. You're playing mind games with yourself if you think your going out of the pub at the same time with the express intent of taking the train together, just the two of you after ALL the communication, introspection and direct discussion of avoiding an affair between you.

 

That's why the part in bold here is utterly absurd:

 

I really didn't think that getting the same train home together would be a big deal - we were only a small group of 5 work colleagues out together and we are the only two that live in a completely different direction to the others. I could have gotten a later train home on my own but that didnt appeal - its not a very safe area we are in. Also, I think I wanted to prove to myself that things were back to normal with me and work guy. I didnt expect for anything to be discussed again as thought we had talked it thru to death and established it had been a drunken thing. I guess there might have been part of me that wanted to test the situation and make sure that we could get the train home together without there being any weirdness. Obviously I was wrong.

[BuddyX]

So your husband also does not know how to protect. If I was your hubby I would go up to the MM shake his hand, look him into the eye and say "If you won't stay away from my wife, it'll get ugly for your family". And walk away...And that's what we call man guarding.

 

You might have to threaten your hubby with the D. While I do not condon an affair, and you shouldn't start one, you're giving your husband plenty of warning signs.

 

But yes, stay away from the MM. That's a must

Edited August 21, 2016 by BuddyX
Grammar

[sandylee1]

Be professional

Work on your marriage

If your husband doesn't give you what you need and you can't work it out, then decide if you want to end it.

 

Once you decide and let him know if you are exiting, then you can pursue a relationship with a SINGLE man.

 

Next time take enough money to get a cab home so that you'll be safe. Do not follow him out again. Even if you both decided nothing would happen, common sense would be not to be alone in his company, knowing full well there's a mutual attraction.

 

From hereon in .... avoid being alone with him, unless it's absolutely necessary and be professional when you need to interact.

[merrmeade]

I really didn't think that getting the same train home together would be a big deal - ... Also, I think I wanted to prove to myself that things were back to normal with me and work guy. I didnt expect for anything to be discussed again as thought we had talked it thru to death and established it had been a drunken thing. I guess there might have been part of me that wanted to test the situation ....

Exxxxxactly what I meant by playing mind-games with yourself. I know because my husband did it, too. Usually the mind-game is simpler: something along the lines of "But we're just friends!" That's why Shirley Glass did studies on the phenomenon and wrote the book Not Just Friends. Might enlighten you.

[LifesontheUp]

I have suggested marriage counselling but husband says no. He doesn't think there is anything wrong with our marriage (apart from the lack of sex). He definitely has different expectations to me....

 

So what are you going to do now?

 

It's clear you're not happy in your marriage, but despite telling your husband some of your feelings about what happened with other guy he doesn't appear to want to do anything? Sorry but I'd be concerned why that is?

[Miss Clavel]

uh, why don't you go visit your husband when he's away for so long? why don't you two discuss how you can get home, alone, in the dark?

 

you wanted someone to walk with you to the train, in the dark? how do you do it when you're not leaving from the pub?

 

p.s. your "friend" is a drunk. imo.

 

you miss your husband. i understand, but, keep it up and you're going to miss your house, your bank account and your job.

[Cephalopod]

Thanks for your comments.

Husband is aware of work guy and what has happened although the only thing I left out was my questionable feelings for him. He knows I was tempted when he tried to kiss me. He also knows jow I have been feeling over past few years as I have constantly tried to talk to him about it. I had asked husband 2 years ago and periodically since if he could commit to a date night with me every few weeks where we can spend time together away from his work (he is away a lot of time from March - September each year then also works every day and evenings when at home. Date night has never happened. I have told him that I need more from him but so far he has been unable to provide it. As a result I have stopped trying so hard as I resent the one being the only one trying in the marriage, and we have drifted apart and even lately stopped having sex. That's not to say we dont get on-but we have more crossed over into room mate territory than lovers.

 

Not trying to make excuses, just letting you know how I found myself in this situation.

 

I have suggested marriage counselling but husband says no. He doesn't think there is anything wrong with our marriage (apart from the lack of sex). He definitely has different expectations to me....

 

Then if he refuses to go to MC, and you have made your case clear to him, then the next step is to go and see a solicitor and find out what your rights would be in a divorce. I'm not joking.

 

I'm sorry, but sometimes the only way to shake up prideful men like your husband is to show them what he stands to lose, and that you mean business. If he is not willing to step up to meet your needs and work on the relationship, and you have done everything YOU could have done to save it, then you can walk away with your head held high knowing that you did what you could.

[Lobe]

Thanks to everyone for all their replies and sharing their opinions.

 

I am NOT going to have an affair. I am going to work on my marriage and see if that can be fixed. I agree that I have been withdrawn in my marriage lately, and that is one of the reasons I have found myself in this situation (I can't imagine this would have happened if me and H were still 'connected' and doing well). I need to try and work on our relationship and see if we are going through a rough patch which we can fix, or if not I guess I will have to consider separation at a last resort.

 

My other issue is the closeness in which I will be working alongside work guy going forward. I'm not really in a position to leave, I work in quite a specific industry where there arent many companies and am also the main breadwinner of our household so cannot just up and leave.

 

Think my main challenge in this respect wiill be how I interact with work guy, keeping an appropriate distance without being unprofessional too. That was why I was asking if anyone could decipher his actions, as I am totally confused by them and not sure what is going through his head. I think it would be easier for me if I knew it was just that he was drunk, rather than having feelings for me. I know people on here have said I shouldn't care but I do - I'm an over thinker and one of those people who need to know the situation to be able to deal with it. I don't deal well with ambiguity. For example, I would rather have an adult conversation with work guy which says, yes we are attracted to each other, yes we nearly crossed a line but we agree that we maintain a professional distance from now on and make it clear nothing is going to happen. That way there is come closure to the situation and boundaries have been reset.

 

I know not everyone will understand that but I guess we're all different.

 

Thanks again

 

People end up in affairs because a convenient opportunity happens along and it's usually at work. Go buy the book "NOT just friends" by Shirley Glass. Run, don't walk. I think some libraries even carry an e-version you can check out virtually. His actions are inappropriate and yes, you are sending mixed signals. A hug is not an appropriate activity for professionals to share except maybe when you've had a death in the family and even then, a pat on the shoulder is more appropriate.

 

I'm reading between the lines here and you're maybe not so much confused about this guy's actions, as by your own reactions. It's not an accident nor is it unavoidable - there's not fate or higher power pushing your loins together. Sure, the way this guy makes you feel is nice and your marriage is boring and troubled when you think about how fun new love is, but this is a bad path to walk - read the stories of the BSs and the OW on this site and you'll see how it usually ends. (spoiler alert: everyone gets hurt)

 

In case you're still confused: He is dangling his wiggly little sleep with me please I'm so pathetic worm in front of you and you're watching the bait with a bit too much interest, from an unsafe distance. My advice? Do not take the bait, and put some distance between you and this guy so that it's harder for you to be tempted. Whether you try reconnecting with your H or leave your H, you do not want a relationship with this slimeball co-worker. Think of it this way - if it was YOUR husband treating one of his female colleagues the way this assh*le is treating you, would you be upset? He is crossing boundaries and you are letting him. Because you like it. And don't like that you like it because you know it's wrong. And so you're looking for deeper meaning like it's somehow meant to be. Which is known as "cognitive dissonance" but I prefer calling it "bullsh*t."

 

Lastly, if you are blaming the alcohol then maybe you need to not be around him when either of you are drinking. Trust me - you are probably not the only girl he hits on when he's drinking, you probably aren't the first, and you probably won't be the last. Alcohol lowers inhibitions and makes people do remarkably stupid things, so avoid putting yourself in a vulnerable position with him at all costs. Make your husband meet you at these events.

[harrybrown]

Tell your H everything, you are leaving an important part out of the communication.

 

He can't see how bad it is, because you are not telling him the truth, and you spend too much of your efforts and thoughts on the OM.

 

 

You do need to work on your boundaries. would you like your H to have the same boundaries as you?

 

Does not seem like your H is happy in the marriage either.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Why in the world would you follow after him that night to take the train with him after what had happened the last time? How do you usually get home when it is that late and you are lone? If you take the train alone or take a cab instead, then you knew full well that somewhere inside you, wanted to see what would happen with him that night.

 

Then you went on to try to convince him that there was nothing wrong with what the two of you were doing, yet he kept challenging you in every way possible and you kept trying to convince him "no it's fine" We aren't doing anything wrong.

 

Actually, it isn't fine that the two of you start to casually take the train home together or hang out as "friends "because what happened the other night "was sorted" It was sorted for that moment but the attraction is established. Every time you are together with this man outside of work in any capacity and in particular alone, you are watering the seed that will sooner or later bloom into a full grown affair.

 

Stop what you are doing. Avoid being alone with him. And even if you are done with your own marriage stop trying to sway this man your way. By the looks of it this guy does this often.

 

His "texts" are being monitored? What a coincidence that you guys text apologies for what happened before and all of a sudden his texts are being monitored by his wife. His texts are not "just being monitored" he probably has a trail of indiscretions under his belt and his betrayed spouse saw the latest interaction with you and is on to him again.

 

And this:

 

Early in the evening he came over to me at the bar and said something really odd about relationships. That there were different levels and there were those at the top who you were closest too but then other degrees of relationships and feelings. I didnt know what he meant but it

 

As soon as I read this in your OP I interpreted as him telling you "there are people you have flings with = you if you are up for it, and then there are people whom you have made a life with and will never leave = his wife, so are you up for it?" To me that sounded like a proposition of sorts, you know "people you are close to and then there are people you have a crush on and have secondary feelings for what do you think of that?"

 

He was testing you to see if you caught on. That night he was put off because even if you didn't realize what you were doing, you were tempting him to do something he can't do right now. Not because he doesn't want it but because his probation officer is on to him.

 

Steer clear, you'll end up with a sad horrible story sooner or later posting on the OW/OM forum. Go read up on those stories...you seriously do not want that. I can imagine it is tempting to have all this attention from your attractive boss especially when things are so flat with your husband but that is not going to make you happy in the long run. It rarely does end up in true long term fulfilment.

[Aloneuk]

Update

 

So he tried phoning me 3 times yesterday. I didnt answer til the 3rd time, although I did text him saying if he needed me to do something for work could he please email me.

 

I answered on the third time and he joked that I was avoiding him, I agreed but said I had been busy for work.

He apologised for his actions, said he had been out of line. I agreed. He said he felt that the night had gone so well with no issues and me following him out the pub opened everything up again. He said he realises now he overacted and that I had obviously moved 'further on' with the situation in my head than he thought.

 

I asked him what I was doing to make him feel that he needed to let me down. He said nothing and that he was being an idiot. He mentioned my comment about whether he would hug another colleague and said he wouldn't, but didnt elaborate what he meant by that.

 

He said he doesn't want any more awkwardness and we agreed that after today we will put it in the past and not talk about it again. I said that we need to agree that there is no more trying to hold hands or hugging on nights out, he agreed and said it was good to say that.

 

So that's where it is now. I'm hoping its done and dusted....

[Sunkissedpatio]

Too much back and forth and talking about what "needs to happen" after it happens and not enough actual boundaries being enforced here.

 

Less nicey-nice talk and more actions. You really need to stop trying to convince him that what you guys are doing is just fine because there is nothing there. It isn't "just fine" especially not when one of you is already struggling "to keep his hands to himself" stop trying to get him alone at work functions and then you won't have to explain yourselves after the fact.

 

At this rate he will be in your pants and calling you the next day to verbally dissect and ruminate about how wrong what he did was, and you convincing him it was only "one time" and how it can't happen again.

 

Can't you see he is using the "calling you to discuss this" as an excuse? If there is truly nothing there he would let it go and be enforcing the no inappropriate contact. Like you are.

 

So that's where it is now. I'm hoping its done and dusted....

 

This is what happens when you get involved with someone at work it's not like you can just say to him stop calling me there is nothing more to discuss and block his number or threaten to get a restraining order if he doesn't stop because you HAVE to take his calls and see him at work.

Edited August 23, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Rubix Cubed]

Update

 

I said that we need to agree that there is no more trying to hold hands or hugging on nights out, he agreed and said it was good to say that.

 

So that's where it is now. I'm hoping its done and dusted....

 

There needs to be NO more nights out at all, and since you don't seem very good at policing yourself , your husband should know the full story not just bits and pieces.I would hope he'd nip it in the bud promptly. Quit putting yourself in the position for things to progress and convincing yourself you're innocent of progressing the relationship. This guy is artfully playing you to make sure his job is not in jeopardy if you don't accept his advances. He dancing that fine line of deniability.

[Rubix Cubed]

Double post

[Furious]

Hi

 

I posted on another board about my marital issues but think I need some advice on my current situation with a co worker. I'm so confused

 

I'm in my 30s, been married a year but with him for nearly 8 years. Relationship was brilliant for first 4 or so years, but last 4 have been harder. He is away a lot for work, a workaholic when he is home and we have drifted apart. Our sex life has dwindled and I feel our connection is going if not gone. However we do get on well day to day, no arguments etc. Just our spark seems to have vanished.

 

Just after we married I started a new job. One of the guys that interviewed me (head of department) was nice and attractive but I thought no more of it - I had just got married and was busy learning my new job. Our relationship has always been just work colleagues - I can't even say that we were friends although we always got on well in meetings, when working together, and chatted occasionally about personal lives, plans, holidays etc. He is my boss's boss so more superior in the company. A month or so ago we had a work night out (first one together) which ended in the most awful cliché - he made a couple of passes at me at the end of the night when we were on our own and about to go home. I stopped anything happening (although if I'm honest I was tempted to kiss him). He also said how beautiful I am, how great I am, etc etc. I told hom he would regret this and feel stupid at work on Monday morning and he drunkenly said he wouldn't.... Of course not!

 

The next day, I got a text from him profusely apologising. We then discussed what had happened /nearly happened over text, phone call and in person over the next week or so. It was the alcohol, we are both in committed relationships (he has been with his partner for 20 years), we can be adult about this etc. That we are decent people and feel awful about what nearly happened but nothing actually did and we need to learn from the mistake and concentrate on our respective relationships. I admit I struggled with the guilt, and why/how this happened (I have never been unfaithful in any relationship and he says the same) and we discussed this a couple of times via text and in person. We agreed it had happened out of the blue and there was no rational explanation. He also said he was mortified because nothing like that had ever happened in his personal or private life. I tend to believe him from knowing him and his reputation through work, he seems to be a decent guy. I had asked to speak to him once face to face about 10 days after and had been open with him about how I felt awkward around him since and was finding the situation difficult and was struggling with getting past the guilt. He said he had felt the same but had managed to compartmentalise it now and move on and gave me advice on how he had managed it. We agreed to put it behind us and he said if I ever needed to talk about it again, I should feel free to call him. Since then things have been back to normal although I am much more conscious of him in the office and our interaction.

 

A month later there was another work drinks do. We joked before that we would need to make sure we didnt drink as much and went home at a reasonable time, and that this can be a 'do over' from the last time. We both agreed it would be a good opportunity to put things right.

Early in the evening he came over to me at the bar and said something really odd about relationships. That there were different levels and there were those at the top who you were closest too but then other degrees of relationships and feelings. I didnt know what he meant but it was time to take drinks to the group so I didnt ask any more. I had wondered if he was trying to talk about what happened between us. He had been drinking for a couple of hours at this point.

 

The whole night was fine til the end when he decided he needed to leave straight away out of the blue. We both are the only ones from the group to use the same train to get home and I didnt want to get train in the dark on my own (I had assumed that would be how we would get home as that happened last time, although nothing was discussed beforehand). So I followed him out of pub, flagged him down and said I was going home now too. He seemed really annoyed at this, said something like 'I knew this would happen' and indicated he had left quickly to prevent this?! I said I didnt understand what he meant, that I just wanted to get the train home with someone so not on my own and we are the only ones travelling that way? He seemed to imply that I left to see him and was trying it on with him. I said it's normal that colleagues would get the train home together, that its stranger that he left without seeing if I was going that way home, and he said 'well that's because I'm such a w***er'. I'm not sure where that came from so I tried to lighten the mood and joked that I didn't want an affair with him or anything, just to get safely home. We walked to station and I tried to reassure him that I had moved on from that previous night out and its all water under the bridge.

 

Whilst we were waiting for train he mentioned that his texts and emails were being monitored - I was confused why he bought that up so I said well how else would I communicate with him if i needed to (I wasnt sure if he meant work stuff or not)? He said we needed to speak face to face. I said there was nothing to talk about about that other night and that we hadnt been in contact like that for some time so there was no reason to worry (I don't have his personal cell number just his work one). I said it was forgotten about, and asked him if he was ok and had done the same. He said yes and he'd been able to quite quickly in a day or so, I said really that's good? Then he said something like 'well maybe not'.

 

He seemed in a really odd mood, I asked if he was ok and he said that I was really astute (presumably me picking up that something was wrong) but he wouldn't elaborate. He then said that I was a really great person but he was in a relationship. I asked him why he was saying this, that this had all been sorted and I thought we had moved on. I think he said that he was trying to let me down?! I said that he didnt need to do that, it was all forgotten. On the train he kept saying 'come on, you need to be honest with me'. I said I didn't know what he meant, and he said 'yes you do, tell the truth'. He said that he was with his partner and happy with her and 'you are happy and have everything you want so why are you doing this?' I really didn't understand what he meant or what I was supposed to be doing and told him that. He then tried to take hold of my hands. I said I really don't understand this and he is the one giving mixed messages with him trying to hold my hands.

 

I admitted at this point I had been really confused immediately after that first night but I thought we had talked it over and moved on. He again said come on, be honest, you know what I'm talking about?

 

When we were on platform he asked if we could have a goodbye hug. He had a strange expression on his face after so I asked if he was ok and he said something along the lines of 'just questioning everything'. I asked what he meant and he wouldn't say. I said if any of us is giving mixed messages its him.

 

I said I was concerned that all this stuff from tonight was going to cause problems/tension between us at work yet again and do we need to discuss before I go home to clear the air? He said no.

 

We then hugged again as I was about to go and he stroked my hair. I pulled away and said 'what are you doing?!' I think I was surprised and shocked by the intimacy of the gesture. He asked why I had a problem with it and I was reading too much into things 'again' and so what, he had only stroked my hair. I was annoyed and asked if he would hug XXXX (a female co worker) like that and stroke her hair? He said yes then I made a sarcastic noise as if I didn't believe him and he admitted 'no, I wouldnt'.

 

I then just said 'fine' and walked off under not the best circumstances and he got on the train. This was last night and I cant stop replaying the conversations in my head. I really don't understand whether I am somehow giving him mixed messages that I want something to happen, or what. I have no idea what he is thinking because I feel he says one thing, then implies something else, then does something completely different!

 

I'm upset because I found it difficult to move past the first night, as I think I have started looking at him differently since then. However I just felt I was about there and things were back to as normal as they could be, and now this.

 

What do you think of his actions? Is he not interested but just drunk? I have no idea. And what do I do now? My gut is that I leave it and make no contact with him and see if he makes contact, and try and avoid him as much as possible. I think I do have feelings for him but would not act on them as I would never be unfaithful or put his partner through that.

 

Any advice on what might be going through his head, or how I should act now would be much appreciated.

 

Many thanks

 

 

You're looking for an affair with your boss, you've shown him you're willing to cross that line. Conveniently, your marriage issues are not urgent enough to either fix it or leave it. Along comes an opportunity to straddle a fence and a diversion from dealing with your marriage.

 

Every marriage at one point or another has issues, and you seem to excuse your choices and actions as a result of those issues. The reality is, your character and free choice has nothing to do with the state of your marriage, it's only a smokescreen to allow and give you permission to feed your ego.

 

You're playing games, your making yourself available and your attempt to appear naive and confused may be a subconscious way to avoid being honest with yourself.

 

Your concern seems to be focused on what your potential affair partner is feeling and thinking, as your overt and covert mixed messages toward him has not sealed the outcome you obviously want.

 

Sincerely, I ask, how does your marriage issues and problems excuse inserting yourself into someone else's marriage? Something to think about.

 

Also, is risking your professional career and professional reputation worth destroying for an attraction?

[Aloneuk]

Thanks everyone.

 

We had to have a 1 on 1 work related meeting today and he asked if he could say one more thing, that if I needed to say anything about it now was the opportunity then the whole thing was to be put in the past and never discussed again. I agreed this was a good idea.

 

He said he wanted to apologise again for his behaviour and that he was truly sorry for the situations he has put me in. He said he has a lot of thinking to do and basically implied he needed to sort himself out as there's obviously something wrong if he keeps behaving like this. He said he needs to look at his drinking too.

 

I told him that 2 times we have been out together and 2 times a boundary has been crossed, he acknowledged this and said all he could say was that it will never happen again and he will have to show that in the future from his behaviour rather than his words. He said the example of the hair stroking and me questioning whether he would have acted the same way with a colleague was a good test / comparison for him to use. He said that he had just intended to hug me then kiss me on the cheek goodbye, but also said he realised that would be inappropriate and he doesnt know why he wants to do that with me and not our colleague. He again said he thinks it is the alcohol.

 

We finished the conversation and agreed that was that. Never to be discussed ever again! Maybe I'm naive but I really do feel that is the end of it all and everything that either of us wanted to say has been said. And I don't think he will cross a line again.

 

I expect if anything, his relationship will be stronger because of this and likely will reaffirm to him some stuff and how important his partner is to him.

 

I'm not sure where I stand with my marriage. I love my husband but he is not particularly interested in the sort of marriage that I want. I am going to ask again if he is willing to consider MC. Things arent awful at home, which I think is part of the problem. We coast along ok, no arguments, get on well but the connection that makes you a couple and want to be around each other isnt there. Like I said before he is a workaholic and is not particularly interested in relationship type activities. I need him to put me first and I think I will likely respond in turn. In previous years I have done all of the maintaining of the relationship, planning things to do together etc, but when you are the only one who is doing that there gets to a point where you begin to get resentful and wonder if it is all worth it. I don't want a lot but I do crave the connection you have in a committed relationship. From what has happened recently, it could be that I'm just not as committed as I thought I was.

 

Thanks again for all your comments they have been really helpful at a difficult time.

[harrybrown]

So you had an honest meeting with your AP. (EA)

 

now have one with your H. Tell him about your meetings with your EA man.

 

Be honest with your H. You can't fix it with the big lie between you, and you can't stop the EA (one on one business meetng).

 

You are still having contact with you AP. so tell your H all about it, so you can work on your boundaries.

 

You need to be honest with you H and stop all the flirting and contact with your co-worker. Or do you just care about your co-worker and your future opportunities with him and do not care about your H?

 

Hope you will start putting your H first and get the OM out of your life and all your emotions that are tied up with the OM. You do not have the emotions with your H, because of all your emotional energy tied up with the co-worker.

[Lobe]

I'm not sure where I stand with my marriage. I love my husband but he is not particularly interested in the sort of marriage that I want. I am going to ask again if he is willing to consider MC. Things arent awful at home, which I think is part of the problem. We coast along ok, no arguments, get on well but the connection that makes you a couple and want to be around each other isnt there. Like I said before he is a workaholic and is not particularly interested in relationship type activities. I need him to put me first and I think I will likely respond in turn. In previous years I have done all of the maintaining of the relationship, planning things to do together etc, but when you are the only one who is doing that there gets to a point where you begin to get resentful and wonder if it is all worth it. I don't want a lot but I do crave the connection you have in a committed relationship. From what has happened recently, it could be that I'm just not as committed as I thought I was.

 

Thanks again for all your comments they have been really helpful at a difficult time.

 

You need to tell your husband how you feel. You can mention the fact that a colleague made a pass at you and it felt nice to be thought of as a catch. The lack of intimacy between you guys is likely the result of you closing off more and more of yourself, thinking he won't hear it because he is too busy with work or whatever. Chances are good that he is actually clueless about how unhappy you are, and all the resentment you're building up inside of you is more a result of your husband not understanding how lonely and unhappy you are than anything. Help him understand, because if he honestly doesn't care about how lonely and unhappy you feel, maybe you really are just done. Take this as a wake-up call for yourself, and be grateful you didn't become another messy full-blown affair statistic.

[Aloneuk]

You need to tell your husband how you feel. You can mention the fact that a colleague made a pass at you and it felt nice to be thought of as a catch. The lack of intimacy between you guys is likely the result of you closing off more and more of yourself, thinking he won't hear it because he is too busy with work or whatever. Chances are good that he is actually clueless about how unhappy you are, and all the resentment you're building up inside of you is more a result of your husband not understanding how lonely and unhappy you are than anything. Help him understand, because if he honestly doesn't care about how lonely and unhappy you feel, maybe you really are just done. Take this as a wake-up call for yourself, and be grateful you didn't become another messy full-blown affair statistic.

 

I have told husband about both occasions, each at the time it happened. I have told him I'm not happy, feel like we have drifted apart and that it upset me because I was tempted by work guy's pass. The difficulty is that my husband can't see there's a problem in our relationship because it meets his needs and he is happy. His primary relationship in his life is his work. I know he loves me in his own way but I'm not sure we can together fix something that he doesn't think is broken?

 

He is not good at communication at all, so perhaps part of it is that he doesn't have the words to talk about it.

 

I will certainly try again, I'm not going to walk away without trying to fix things

 

Thanks

[Lobe]

I have told husband about both occasions, each at the time it happened. I have told him I'm not happy, feel like we have drifted apart and that it upset me because I was tempted by work guy's pass.

 

I'm sorry to hear that your husband does not understand nor does he communicate well. I'm pretty sure if most people told their spouse that someone at work was making a pass at them and they actually considered it, the almost-betrayed spouse would have some kind of measurable reaction, not just a, "Meh, good for you for not banging your coworker..." If my husband was that blase about it I'd probably think he was cheating on ME again lol

 

There's a saying in affair recovery land that says the person who goes outside their marriage to get something is usually the person giving the least inside the relationship. I'm not sure how true that is but I'm curious how you and your hubby met, feel in love, and what has changed since then?