Tension with work colleague, both in committed relationships - what does this mean?

[Aloneuk]

There's a saying in affair recovery land that says the person who goes outside their marriage to get something is usually the person giving the least inside the relationship. I'm not sure how true that is but I'm curious how you and your hubby met, feel in love, and what has changed since then?

 

I wonder if thats true. It may well be now although historically I have also been the one who has 'led' the relationship and been the organiser etc. We met nesrly 8 yrs ago online. A year before I had come out of a 10 yr relationship. He had never had a long term relationship because he was committed to his sport and put everything into that. He made the effort with me to start with when we were dating but it trailed off as we became more long term. I think as the years have passed and I have been the only one who has been taking any interest in the emotional side of our relationship and trying ti maintain /nurture it, it has now created a resentment on my part. About 4 years ago he started his own company which was related to his sport and it seems to have sucked everything out of our relationship. All his time and energy is committed to that. Last year was better but we were preoccupied with planning our wedding and everything that came along with that.

 

Two of the things we used to do a lot together were eating and drinking out together (a British thing!) plus romantic weekends away. He has now given up drinking and we hardly ever eat out unless I initiate it. He can no longer do weekends away because of his work. We had a rare one earlier this year which I organised and he pretty much slept the whole time because he was so exhausted from work.

 

However he is a great guy and I do love him, just that connection we had that made us special has disappeared.

[Lobe]

However he is a great guy and I do love him, just that connection we had that made us special has disappeared.

 

That's tough, aloneuk. I hope you can find a way to light the fire again. I usually suggest naked twister but you might be a ways off from that just yet... lol

 

Take care of you though. Seriously.

[LifesontheUp]

My earlier post mentioned that I would be worried why he isn't into MC and fixing. Seems from your later posts he is focussing all his effort in his business. While that is good it should not be at the expense of your marriage.

 

I think you should talk to him again and about how you are feeling and that 1 person cannot save a marriage. Ask him to go to counselling and if he refuses I would be prepared to tell him to pack his bags and stick to it. That could either make him wake up to how serious this is or show that you have grown apart and its not fixable.

 

Whatever happens you cannot go on as you are. Or can you?

[Aloneuk]

You are right, thank you.

 

I think fundamentally he doesnt feel the discord that I do, and doesn't emotionally understand that I'm struggling not having an intimate connection with him. He is the typical strong silent type and sees no benefit in words. He doesnt seem to need that emotional connection I do either.

 

I am going to speak to him again today and hoping some positivity and an action plan will come out of that.

 

I am also reading 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay' which is helping figure out why I'm feeling the way I am.

 

Thanks again

[Lobe]

I'm re-reading NOT just friends right now (it's kind of like my bible some days) and there's a section in the middle of the book where it clearly talks about how someone married to their work is in a high risk situation of having their partner step out on them. I think you have a lot of soul-searching to do - I'd love a review of the book your reading as I've had it in my hands a few times and just keep putting it down...

[Aloneuk]

Thanks Lobe I'm going to have a read as think it would be beneficial. Will let you know how I get on!

[merrmeade]

I have told husband about both occasions, each at the time it happened. I have told him I'm not happy, feel like we have drifted apart and that it upset me because I was tempted by work guy's pass. The difficulty is that my husband can't see there's a problem in our relationship because it meets his needs and he is happy. His primary relationship in his life is his work. I know he loves me in his own way but I'm not sure we can together fix something that he doesn't think is broken?

 

He is not good at communication at all, so perhaps part of it is that he doesn't have the words to talk about it.

 

I will certainly try again, I'm not going to walk away without trying to fix things

 

Thanks

This is why couples go to marriage counseling.

[clam]

Here's a suggestion... Lay off the booze with coworkers, and especially THAT coworker. Alcohol always lowers inhibitions...

[Aloneuk]

Update

 

I told H about a fortnight ago that I was seriously considering leaving, that I felt our relationship had been neglected by us both so much over the past few years that it was practically non existent, and I couldn't go on like that anymore.

 

He told me he thinks our relationship is fine, there is nothing that much wrong except for the lack of sex (I have not felt like I want to be intimate with him for some months while our emotional connection has vanished).

 

I have been doing a lot of reading - Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay, Not Just Friends, Stay or Leave? All of these have been really helpful to figuring out my thoughts and marriage.

 

I think H has something called Alexithymia. Its when people have difficulty identifying or describing their emotions. Typically alexithymics are loyal, hard working, practical, logical, stoic, workaholics. They lack imagination, empathy, and emotional intelligence. I feel this summed up my H exactly, and asked him to try the online official test. I scored 12 (very low). He scored 134 (very high). I'm fully aware an online test can't be 100% relied upon but I feel almost relieved that it has a name

This would explain his lack of understanding of the emotional connection and feelings I am missing in our relationship, the fact he doesnt understand why date nights etc are important. Its our one year wedding anniversary this week and he has organised nothing. Its not that he had forgotten, it's almost like it just doesn't matter. Alexithymics show their affection by providing, which would explain why he thinks that him going to work all the time is him showing he loves me.

 

This also explains to me why I was so flattered / affected by work guys advances. I had genuinely forgotten what its like to have a connection (yes albeit a brief drunken one) with someone who was attracted to me. I have also been so happy at the emotional contact when we have been discussing what might have happened, because I am craving emotional intimacy and tragically I have gotten more from work guy in those brief moments than I have from H in many years.

 

I have booked IC, we have not agreed on MC yet as I want to see what IC brings first. Also I really dont think H will ve able to talk at all in MC so not sure what the benefit would be.

 

I have also found a place locally I can stay for 3 months and am contemplating taking it. I discussed with H and although he said he didnt want me to move out and he wants our marriage to continue, there were no grand expressions of love or pleading me to stay.

 

I need to have a think about whether me moving out will give me the space I need from H to think about what I want/need from a relationship, or whether it will signal the end.

 

Any thoughts gratefully received,

 

Thanks

[BuddyX]

Are you attracted to your husband?

[Aloneuk]

Are you attracted to your husband?

 

Yes, although I do find for me (and perhaps a lot of women?), that physical attraction is intertwined with emotional connection. The stronger I bond with someone, the more I desire them....

 

Which is a massive problem at the moment for me and H...

[privategal]

Work guy is PITIFUL and SO transparent.

He's grooming you and knows EXACTLY what he is doing.

That little confused acting of his "just questioning everything " then the, your chasing me to the train to try it on with me, but then hugging you and stroking your hair.

He's gonna stroke his ego and get as much excitement from another woman (any woman that will stoop low enough to cheat with him will do) as he can...then so you don't go psycho, tell your coworkers and his partner, eventually he will pull out the "this is a mistake, I told you I was confused, please stop contact with me"

The push pull is a strategy here....the hugs are to create a bond, a fake one.

He sees it's working as your having all these emotional conversation with him.

When you were insisting at the train stop that you discussed it, it was over, water under the bridge....he knew taking your hands would get you back in a place where you could be manipulated and emotionally attached.

That's the place a cake eater wants you.

They know too once your emotionally attached they can now pull away and watch you chase now. You will want those moments, a hug, those "us" conversations.

All he had to do was a little grooming.

 

You KNOW you followed him to the train as you want his attention. Your falling and desperate for attention.

 

Don't try to pretend it's your "broken" marriage.

There's about 80 million divorce attorneys and if he's a workaholic who's away and your lonely and unfulfilled you can leave. Your complaining about your husbands neglect but I'm sure you don't mind his paying the bills and supporting your lifestyle.

 

Your not dumb, you know hugging another man and trying to deepen a relationship with a coworker maybe hoping he leaves his gf and you leave your marriage.

Either way it's disgusting to see grown adults live like hormonal teenagers for the sake of SECRET attention and sex.

Grow up. I agree the naive act is fake and you picked a LOSER to get involved with. Mark my words he is a cunning snake, but so are you.

Knock it off, work is not a dating pool, you are being paid to work. Attached people belong to their partners and its embarrassing to watch you try to feign your confusion.

This "connection " isn't deep or special.

It's selfish meaningless lowlife cheating and you know it.

[Aloneuk]

Work guy is PITIFUL and SO transparent.

He's grooming you and knows EXACTLY what he is doing.

That little confused acting of his "just questioning everything " then the, your chasing me to the train to try it on with me, but then hugging you and stroking your hair.

He's gonna stroke his ego and get as much excitement from another woman (any woman that will stoop low enough to cheat with him will do) as he can...then so you don't go psycho, tell your coworkers and his partner, eventually he will pull out the "this is a mistake, I told you I was confused, please stop contact with me"

The push pull is a strategy here....the hugs are to create a bond, a fake one.

He sees it's working as your having all these emotional conversation with him.

When you were insisting at the train stop that you discussed it, it was over, water under the bridge....he knew taking your hands would get you back in a place where you could be manipulated and emotionally attached.

That's the place a cake eater wants you.

They know too once your emotionally attached they can now pull away and watch you chase now. You will want those moments, a hug, those "us" conversations.

All he had to do was a little grooming.

 

You KNOW you followed him to the train as you want his attention. Your falling and desperate for attention.

 

Don't try to pretend it's your "broken" marriage.

There's about 80 million divorce attorneys and if he's a workaholic who's away and your lonely and unfulfilled you can leave. Your complaining about your husbands neglect but I'm sure you don't mind his paying the bills and supporting your lifestyle.

 

Your not dumb, you know hugging another man and trying to deepen a relationship with a coworker maybe hoping he leaves his gf and you leave your marriage.

Either way it's disgusting to see grown adults live like hormonal teenagers for the sake of SECRET attention and sex.

Grow up. I agree the naive act is fake and you picked a LOSER to get involved with. Mark my words he is a cunning snake, but so are you.

Knock it off, work is not a dating pool, you are being paid to work. Attached people belong to their partners and its embarrassing to watch you try to feign your confusion.

This "connection " isn't deep or special.

It's selfish meaningless lowlife cheating and you know it.

 

I'm guessing you are a BS judging by the bitternes of your response??

 

Did you read the full thread or just pick highlights that you wanted to criticize?

 

Work guy is no longer on the scene. We have had no contact since we decided that it was all to be put behind us.

 

And actually, my belief is there was no grooming or prior planning from work guy. I think he is probably having some issues in his R and was drunk, confused and overstepped a line which he regrets. From what I know about him, he is a decent guy who made a mistake. There is a lot of consensus on these boards that these guys are all insecure cheats with a game plan. I think in this case, work guy is human and we both made a mistake which we regret and have learnt from. It could have been so much worse and the fact that we have stayed out of each others way with NC has got to show for something?

 

I feel nothing for work guy, but I have been working a lot on myself over the last few weeks on how I got into my situation. A lot of people have talked about boundaries. Historically I have never had an issue with boundaries, so I've been trying to figure out why I would let a superficial drunken moment with a work colleague interfere with my marriage. Its because it wasnt about work guy at all.... It was about me and my marriage and that I am not happy. It could have been work guy, or someone else XX years down the line, or a crisis that might happen, but I have realised that I am not connected to or supported by H in the way that I need.

 

That is why I am on these boards - to speak to people who may have been through similar situations and learn from their experiences.

 

Why do you assume that my H "is paying the bills and supporting your lifestyle"? If you read my posts, you will see that I AM the breadwinner in my marriage, I support H and have enabled him to start his own business. So from a financial perspective I can leave at any time - money is not what is keeping me here. Very shortsighted assumption by you.

 

I'm not pretending its a broken marriage, there may be people that go out looking for affairs but I am not one of them. NOR HAVE I ENTERED INTO AN AFFAIR!

 

"Attached people belong to their partners" I do not belong to anyone. I choose to be in my marriage with H, and at this time I have joined these boards to get an insight into my behaviour and marriage and whether my issue is a common one and can be overcome and my marriage may have a future.

 

I have come on here genuinely to get some insight into what I'm going through. I expect to get constructive criticism but yours is just judgmental and full of anger...

[elaine567]

This also explains to me why I was so flattered / affected by work guys advances. I had genuinely forgotten what its like to have a connection (yes albeit a brief drunken one) with someone who was attracted to me. I have also been so happy at the emotional contact when we have been discussing what might have happened, because I am craving emotional intimacy and tragically I have gotten more from work guy in those brief moments than I have from H in many years.

 

You were a dry sponge after all those years of being with a man who would not and could not show emotional intimacy due to his inherent psychological make up. Along comes this colleague offering drops of water and you soaked them all in.

I think now you know the problem and it doesn't sound like your husband will ever be capable of giving you the love and attention you desire,

I think you are correct, IC is the way to go and hopefully it will give you the courage to go and seek out a more suitable man.

Good luck.

[Wade Lamare]

I'm guessing you are a BS judging by the bitternes of your response??

 

Did you read the full thread or just pick highlights that you wanted to criticize?

 

Work guy is no longer on the scene. We have had no contact since we decided that it was all to be put behind us.

 

And actually, my belief is there was no grooming or prior planning from work guy. I think he is probably having some issues in his R and was drunk, confused and overstepped a line which he regrets. From what I know about him, he is a decent guy who made a mistake. There is a lot of consensus on these boards that these guys are all insecure cheats with a game plan. I think in this case, work guy is human and we both made a mistake which we regret and have learnt from. It could have been so much worse and the fact that we have stayed out of each others way with NC has got to show for something?

 

I feel nothing for work guy, but I have been working a lot on myself over the last few weeks on how I got into my situation. A lot of people have talked about boundaries. Historically I have never had an issue with boundaries, so I've been trying to figure out why I would let a superficial drunken moment with a work colleague interfere with my marriage. Its because it wasnt about work guy at all.... It was about me and my marriage and that I am not happy. It could have been work guy, or someone else XX years down the line, or a crisis that might happen, but I have realised that I am not connected to or supported by H in the way that I need.

 

That is why I am on these boards - to speak to people who may have been through similar situations and learn from their experiences.

 

Why do you assume that my H "is paying the bills and supporting your lifestyle"? If you read my posts, you will see that I AM the breadwinner in my marriage, I support H and have enabled him to start his own business. So from a financial perspective I can leave at any time - money is not what is keeping me here. Very shortsighted assumption by you.

 

I'm not pretending its a broken marriage, there may be people that go out looking for affairs but I am not one of them. NOR HAVE I ENTERED INTO AN AFFAIR!

 

"Attached people belong to their partners" I do not belong to anyone. I choose to be in my marriage with H, and at this time I have joined these boards to get an insight into my behaviour and marriage and whether my issue is a common one and can be overcome and my marriage may have a future.

 

I have come on here genuinely to get some insight into what I'm going through. I expect to get constructive criticism but yours is just judgmental and full of anger...

 

While I wouldn't go as far as privategal I do have some sympathy with her opinion.

 

I wouldn't be at all surprised if work guy knows exactly what he is doing, I could be wrong of course.

 

Two work nights out and he has made passes both times.

 

I would be very careful around him at any future events as I would not be surprised if you found him plying you with drinks. You could end up doing the walk of shame while he comes out with some old BS of it being inevitable due to you both being so attracted to each other. I do note that you mention he is no longer on the scene, hopefully he will also not be attending any work do's.

[Aloneuk]

You were a dry sponge after all those years of being with a man who would not and could not show emotional intimacy due to his inherent psychological make up. Along comes this colleague offering drops of water and you soaked them all in.

I think now you know the problem and it doesn't sound like your husband will ever be capable of giving you the love and attention you desire,

 

Thanks - I have started to come to this realisation too. It was never about work guy, although he was the catalyst. But I have not been content in my relationship with H for many years, I thought he was just a typical guy unable to show his emotions but it really is so much more than that.

 

I am going to go to IC and I also have found somewhere else I can stay for a few months. I don't feel like I want to end my marriage yet as I do think I need to see if it can work but I also feel I need some distance from H to see if I miss him and our relationship...

[Aloneuk]

While I wouldn't go as far as privategal I do have some sympathy with her opinion.

 

I wouldn't be at all surprised if work guy knows exactly what he is doing, I could be wrong of course.

 

Two work nights out and he has made passes both times.

 

I would be very careful around him at any future events as I would not be surprised if you found him plying you with drinks. You could end up doing the walk of shame while he comes out with some old BS of it being inevitable due to you both being so attracted to each other. I do note that you mention he is no longer on the scene, hopefully he will also not be attending any work do's.

 

You could be right. My gut instinct is that he is a genuine guy, he has been with his partner for pretty much all his adult life and just had a moment of madness/questioning everything after drinking. But I dont suppose we ever really know someone else's true feelings or intentions so I'll never know.

 

My plan is to continue NC, avoid any work night outs (or if I go, stay sober) and spend the immediate future in IC to figure out whether my marriage may have a future or if I need to move on.

Thanks for your advice

[Wade Lamare]

You can't do this on your own Alone. You can go to as many counselling sessions as you like, contemplate your navel, work at improving who you are and become the best of the best but it's not going to make a smidgeon of difference if your hubby is unable/unwilling to make an effort from his end.

 

To be honest, from your description, if you turned around and told him you wanted a divorce he would simply shrug his shoulders and say "Oh well, never mind."

 

What he needs is a rocket up his arse.

[Aloneuk]

You can't do this on your own Alone. You can go to as many counselling sessions as you like, contemplate your navel, work at improving who you are and become the best of the best but it's not going to make a smidgeon of difference if your hubby is unable/unwilling to make an effort from his end.

 

To be honest, from your description, if you turned around and told him you wanted a divorce he would simply shrug his shoulders and say "Oh well, never mind."

 

What he needs is a rocket up his arse.

 

You are right. That's the problem, I know he does love me 'in his own way' and as much as he can probably love anyone. So I am scared of giving that up because I do love him too.

 

But I dont love our relationship and the loneliness that comes along with it, and he just doesnt have any sort of emotional depth and being a particularly sensitive soul I find that so hard....

 

Thanks again

[BuddyX]

From now till death, is this how you want to live?

[elaine567]

What he needs is a rocket up his arse.

 

Maybe but if he truly does have alexithymia as it appears he does, he is probably incapable of doing a lot about anything emotional.

[Wade Lamare]

Maybe but if he truly does have alexithymia as it appears he does, he is probably incapable of doing a lot about anything emotional.

 

True, but he hasn't been diagnosed yet.

 

In my opinion internet diagnoses aren't worth the paper they're written on.

 

If he does have that personality type the outcome is, as far as I can tell, the same. It's not something you can prescribe a magic pill for.

[privategal]

I'm guessing you are a BS judging by the bitternes of your response??

 

Did you read the full thread or just pick highlights that you wanted to criticize?

 

Work guy is no longer on the scene. We have had no contact since we decided that it was all to be put behind us.

 

And actually, my belief is there was no grooming or prior planning from work guy. I think he is probably having some issues in his R and was drunk, confused and overstepped a line which he regrets. From what I know about him, he is a decent guy who made a mistake. There is a lot of consensus on these boards that these guys are all insecure cheats with a game plan. I think in this case, work guy is human and we both made a mistake which we regret and have learnt from. It could have been so much worse and the fact that we have stayed out of each others way with NC has got to show for something?

 

I feel nothing for work guy, but I have been working a lot on myself over the last few weeks on how I got into my situation. A lot of people have talked about boundaries. Historically I have never had an issue with boundaries, so I've been trying to figure out why I would let a superficial drunken moment with a work colleague interfere with my marriage. Its because it wasnt about work guy at all.... It was about me and my marriage and that I am not happy. It could have been work guy, or someone else XX years down the line, or a crisis that might happen, but I have realised that I am not connected to or supported by H in the way that I need.

 

That is why I am on these boards - to speak to people who may have been through similar situations and learn from their experiences.

 

Why do you assume that my H "is paying the bills and supporting your lifestyle"? If you read my posts, you will see that I AM the breadwinner in my marriage, I support H and have enabled him to start his own business. So from a financial perspective I can leave at any time - money is not what is keeping me here. Very shortsighted assumption by you.

 

I'm not pretending its a broken marriage, there may be people that go out looking for affairs but I am not one of them. NOR HAVE I ENTERED INTO AN AFFAIR!

 

"Attached people belong to their partners" I do not belong to anyone. I choose to be in my marriage with H, and at this time I have joined these boards to get an insight into my behaviour and marriage and whether my issue is a common one and can be overcome and my marriage may have a future.

 

I have come on here genuinely to get some insight into what I'm going through. I expect to get constructive criticism but yours is just judgmental and full of anger...

 

You are so right. My humble apologies for my parts of my post that were too abrasive, angry, or judgemental.

I am a MOW, am full of anger at having been groomed, I am full of guilt that I allowed myself to cheat, I am embarrassed, hurt, and upset. I'm bitter and have yet to heal properly.

In that state I am screaming at some of the posters STOP THIS.

I should probably stop posting so I don't hurt others.

I read fast sometimes and make assumptions and am too quick to fill in the blanks as I am likely mirroring my own experience and mistakes onto others and it isn't always fair.

I've been ruthlessly "attacked" in early days on LS and can now see those verbal handsmacks were done in the effort to protect or help me or shake me. In this case though I didn't do or say it right or in a respectful way or a constructive way.

As for you, you do deserve support and I am

In this case apologize for the way I made you feel.

[Aloneuk]

From now till death, is this how you want to live?

 

No, I don't think I can....

[Aloneuk]

You are so right. My humble apologies for my parts of my post that were too abrasive, angry, or judgemental.

I am a MOW, am full of anger at having been groomed, I am full of guilt that I allowed myself to cheat, I am embarrassed, hurt, and upset. I'm bitter and have yet to heal properly.

In that state I am screaming at some of the posters STOP THIS.

I should probably stop posting so I don't hurt others.

I read fast sometimes and make assumptions and am too quick to fill in the blanks as I am likely mirroring my own experience and mistakes onto others and it isn't always fair.

I've been ruthlessly "attacked" in early days on LS and can now see those verbal handsmacks were done in the effort to protect or help me or shake me. In this case though I didn't do or say it right or in a respectful way or a constructive way.

As for you, you do deserve support and I am

In this case apologize for the way I made you feel.

 

Sorry privategal, from this reply I understand you habe good intentions but have obviously been through a lot. I understand your need to warn others from making similar mistakes so thank you.

 

I think everyone on these boards are hurting and confused in one way or another otherwise we wouldn't have found ourselves here!

 

All the best with moving forward in your healing.