intercultural marriage down the drain!!!

[wellthissux]

well this royally sucks

 

I'm sure u've never heard a story like mine before, this one is a headscratcher.

 

where do i begin? I've been secretly married to the love of my life for a bit more than 2 years now and this week she suddenly left me, with minimal explanations.

 

some background: we met in college in Europe, i am from Asia she from England and we instantly fell in love. she was with another guy then, i patiently waited until it was over and then I went for her. it was rough at first, took me 6 months to win her over and then she was mine like no other. a year after, we agreed to marry because I was finishing my degree and she was worried I might go home after. To show her I was serious about her, we decided to get married secretly.

 

I got a job soon afterwards in a country in Northern Europe known for its cold climate and cold people, famous for its expats not settling in. Needless to say, she followed me here and soon afterwards got a job and everything was peachy. Things started to go downhill from there, as we realized we couldn't make it in this country with regards to friends and social life, just like many people had warned us before.

 

We've been applying for jobs to move out ever since and she had to turn down a few offers back home, since I couldn't freely move there without us blowing our cover. Last summer we had our first big fight just before I went on vacation for a month back home where I calmed down and got control over my anger issues. She noticed this when I was back and commented throughout whole year on how impressed she was.

 

A few months ago, she started having serious problems of her own. She's had panic attacks in her life, but not since she met me. These started happening again a month or so ago. This is around the same time I got a great job offer in North America, where she wasn't too keen to move to. She wanted to stay close to family. We decided to apply for immigration anyways, and defer the decision to go when we have our visas.

 

She started seeing a counselor for her panic attacks. This is where it gets twisted. Shes had a very troubled childhood with her (abusive) dad and I've always told her most of her issues are because of this. She told me that the counselor was saying the same things and she stopped talking to her parents completely. I tried my best during this time to comfort her, but she seemed to be doing surprisingly well by herself.

 

Until last Tuesday when i came home from work, she met me outside the apartment in a park and told me she had called her parents to drive from the UK for the past 24 hours and she would be leaving me. We hardly had a 15 min 'talk' where she told me that she still loves me, that we're not 'compatible'. then she walked around for a few hours waiting for her parents to arrive, ignoring my calls. stayed with her parents for the night. next day i come home, and shes taken all her stuff and messages me that she wants to 'talk'.

 

She comes over, completely emotionless to iron out formalities (like house rent, etc). I break down and start crying. She tells me shes going back to the UK for a few weeks after which she will come back to this country to finish up her business (job, housing, etc) and I haven't heard from her since. I have eaten a total of 2 meals over the last 4 days. I just don't feel hungry anymore. When I found out how she architected the whole thing, I was furious so haven't messaged her since she left. What do I do?

 

I love my wife, she is literally PERFECT. she did all the housework, cooked the meals, and treated me like a prince. I took her for granted and now shes gone. I feel so rotten inside, and have been puking and crying these past 4 days.

 

Please help!!!!!

[elaine567]

I am sorry to be blunt, but I think she perhaps realised through therapy that history was repeating here and she decided that she didn't need another person with anger issues in her life and the thought of going to America with you was just too much. I know you got your anger under control but that doesn't tend to solve the walking on eggshells feeling that comes with living with someone who can blow up at any time.

 

I guess the whole secret marriage, fleeing to a different hostile country, and your anger issues against a background of parental abuse took its toll and the America thing was probably the last straw, hence why she was having the panic attacks again.

Too much drama and stress, I guess she had to get out for her own sanity.

 

I think you just have to accept it is over.

She was very thorough in her planning to leave and so this was not a spur of the moment decision. You have to respect her choice and leave her alone.

 

It will be hard, but you will survive, believe me.

We have all been there, unfortunately.

[Jeff1690]

I am having a hard time understanding the secret marriage. You are both adults.

[LancasterAmos1966]

I feel so rotten inside, and have been puking and crying these past 4 days.

 

Please help!!!!!

 

 

Wellthissux, I'm sorry you are going through this. First things first: If you ever feel that you are going to hurt yourself, PLEASE, call 911 and get help.

 

This is a temporary problem, and you will recover!!

 

Be angry, but don't hurt yourself or anyone else.

 

You will be depressed, but you need to eat some light meals, drink non-alcoholic drinks, and try to relax.

 

Do you have any family that can stay with you or you can go to their house for a week or two??

 

Cry whenever you need to; don't hold those tears in. You are experiencing a loss, separation, and even a measure of guilt. That's a lot of emotional pain you are having right now, but you can get through this.

 

And it doesn't matter if you were married 2 hours or 20 years --- the loss of your Beloved Bride is going to take some time to get over.

 

Marriage is an opportunity to share our lives with another person. We all make mistakes, say the wrong things, do the wrong things that upset our spouse. That doesn't make it right, but there needs to be forgiveness, there needs to be an opportunity to make it right. But sometimes, a marriage partner is not interested in doing that. And that is their Right. They voluntarily married us --- and they can voluntarily leave us.

 

Rejection hurts, but really, if they want to leave, we need to work on rearranging our lives, pick ourselves off the floor and stand tall again.

 

Your wife has chosen to no longer work on being married to you. A lot of people on this forum have experienced the same thing. We were happily married, but then, out of nowhere, our Beloved Bride (or Groom) is gone.

 

In my case, I was like you. No appetite, could only sleep a few minutes at a time, could not mow the lawn, could not even go grocery shopping so my friends helped me out for awhile until I started to be normal again.

 

There are lots of posted stories/comments and real people here that can give you suggestions on how to go forward.

 

I've used this forum for a number of years; knowing that others made it through the darkness was very helpful to me.

 

You are experiencing a real loss, and it hurts now, but you will recover, you will stand tall once again. Life is not over just because our spouse walks out.

[Gloria25]

Just curious...

 

Ages?

 

How long did you two "date" and lived in the same zip code while dating?

 

Thing is, the more glue two people have, the more likely they will have a successful marriage. Even in "arranged" marriages - the couple is from same culture/religion and the family picked the couple based on their knowledge that the two would be a good fit.

 

Like it or not, differences in culture is a big glue. It's not something that can be overlooked. You can't marry someone and believe that your presence alone is enough for them to undo all that they were raised to know and like. Life isn't about your SO and if your life is so pathetic that you have to mold it around your SO, then something's wrong.

 

That's why you spend 1 1/2 to 2 years "dating" someone. You are trying to see what "glue" you both have. And, once you decide to marry, premarital counseling is the next step to make sure that the practicalities to enhance that "glue" are raised and discussed.

 

Seems like you two never really "dated", never had premarital counseling and somehow believed like in the movies that "loooove" conquers all.

 

I'm sure that in Europe there are also women who cook, clean, and have no issue with being a SAMW/SAHM....go out there and find one.

[elaine567]

 

I'm sure that in Europe there are also women who cook, clean, and have no issue with being a SAMW/SAHM....go out there and find one.

 

That may also be an issue too, a young college educated woman from England with a job, may not have envisaged that doing all of the housework and cooking all the meals, and treating her husband like a prince, was part of the marriage deal.

[wellthissux]

I am sorry to be blunt, but I think she perhaps realised through therapy that history was repeating here and she decided that she didn't need another person with anger issues in her life and the thought of going to America with you was just too much. I know you got your anger under control but that doesn't tend to solve the walking on eggshells feeling that comes with living with someone who can blow up at any time.

 

I guess the whole secret marriage, fleeing to a different hostile country, and your anger issues against a background of parental abuse took its toll and the America thing was probably the last straw, hence why she was having the panic attacks again.

Too much drama and stress, I guess she had to get out for her own sanity.

 

I think you just have to accept it is over.

She was very thorough in her planning to leave and so this was not a spur of the moment decision. You have to respect her choice and leave her alone.

 

It will be hard, but you will survive, believe me.

We have all been there, unfortunately.

 

spot on elaine, this is exactly what happened. The problem is that she seems like she is going through an emotional crisis right now. she was behaving perfectly normal, even better than normal (less crying, anxiety, etc) until tuesday when she announced the news to me. She even told me she had made up her mind the day before by calling up her parents and talking to them. I'm not sure if she consulted anybody else like friends, etc.

 

When I told her we were compatible, she said but we have fights. I told her her parents had more fights (her dad being abusive and all), and she told me that her mom will keep a diary from now on and work on it with her dad. I'm guessing the dads been getting a good talking to from the wife and daughter this whole week. They might even get a divorce themselves for all I know.

 

Thats why I can't accept it. I knew this day would come sooner or later (her talking to a shrink and finding the reason for her anxiety to be her childhood issues). I just imagined I would always be there to support her. It was even me who encouraged her to go see a shrink in the first place. I guess I shot myself in the foot hardcore.

[wellthissux]

I am having a hard time understanding the secret marriage. You are both adults.

 

cultural issues. lets just say both our parents wouldn't be happy if we married somebody without their consents. We didn't have the time for approval so we just went ahead and did it.

 

We've kept it secret since because she was mortified of telling her dad, and me my parents. The plan was I would tell my parents about her, but she never even considered telling the dad about the marriage, she was so scared.

 

I knew my parents wouldnt accept it, but I was willing to be disowned by them for her. I was willing to stand up to the whole world for her. We decided I would tell them about her last year I went back home. Unfortunately, that was the same time she lost her first job and she was in a very bad state so we decided to postpone it.

 

This year again, after I got a new job, we agreed we would tell my parents but then she got sick (panic attacks, etc) and we decided to postpone it until after the counseling.

 

And now bang, this happened on Tuesday. Where is a guy supposed to go from here???

[wellthissux]

Wellthissux, I'm sorry you are going through this. First things first: If you ever feel that you are going to hurt yourself, PLEASE, call 911 and get help.

 

This is a temporary problem, and you will recover!!

 

Be angry, but don't hurt yourself or anyone else.

 

You will be depressed, but you need to eat some light meals, drink non-alcoholic drinks, and try to relax.

 

Do you have any family that can stay with you or you can go to their house for a week or two??

 

Cry whenever you need to; don't hold those tears in. You are experiencing a loss, separation, and even a measure of guilt. That's a lot of emotional pain you are having right now, but you can get through this.

 

And it doesn't matter if you were married 2 hours or 20 years --- the loss of your Beloved Bride is going to take some time to get over.

 

Marriage is an opportunity to share our lives with another person. We all make mistakes, say the wrong things, do the wrong things that upset our spouse. That doesn't make it right, but there needs to be forgiveness, there needs to be an opportunity to make it right. But sometimes, a marriage partner is not interested in doing that. And that is their Right. They voluntarily married us --- and they can voluntarily leave us.

 

Rejection hurts, but really, if they want to leave, we need to work on rearranging our lives, pick ourselves off the floor and stand tall again.

 

Your wife has chosen to no longer work on being married to you. A lot of people on this forum have experienced the same thing. We were happily married, but then, out of nowhere, our Beloved Bride (or Groom) is gone.

 

In my case, I was like you. No appetite, could only sleep a few minutes at a time, could not mow the lawn, could not even go grocery shopping so my friends helped me out for awhile until I started to be normal again.

 

There are lots of posted stories/comments and real people here that can give you suggestions on how to go forward.

 

I've used this forum for a number of years; knowing that others made it through the darkness was very helpful to me.

 

You are experiencing a real loss, and it hurts now, but you will recover, you will stand tall once again. Life is not over just because our spouse walks out.

 

Thank you LancastorAmos for those kind and comforting words.

 

Unfortunately, I am completely alone here. All my family is in Asia and I didn't manage to make any personal friends (only my wives) over here.

 

I'm sure I'll get over it over time. I'm more concerned about my wife. I can't imagine the state that shes in right now. It breaks my heart to know that she went through this decision without as much as hinting at it first. I'm not sure if she made the right decision for her. Sure, I was lazy and had anger issues, but I'm convinced there is no one better out there for her. She's one of a kind (an absolute angel) and deserves someone who understands her and knows what shes going through.

 

Thats what attracted her to me in the first place, I was from a completely different culture and got what she was going through. She loved how I didn't care about what anyone said about me, I was outgoing and did my own thing. She spent her whole life worrying about what people thought of her, living by her dads standards, etc. You could say she was estranged from her own culture/people having lived in 3 different countries in her childhood and having troubles in all 3.

 

I just can't believe people let it go so easily. She needs an understanding person who gets her and sticks by her side and helps her. I thought I was that person. I've been taking her for granted letting her cook, clean, etc and getting angry at her. That was my way of dealing with the loneliness, I got into my books and video games and started ignoring her problems.

 

The crazy thing is, its easily reversible. It happened last year but when i went home, having contact with family, I realised my mistakes and came back almost like new. She always told me things would get better after I told my parents and we would have the support of both of our parents and communities here.

 

Can't believe she bailed on all of that, just like that!

[wellthissux]

Just curious...

 

Ages?

 

How long did you two "date" and lived in the same zip code while dating?

 

Thing is, the more glue two people have, the more likely they will have a successful marriage. Even in "arranged" marriages - the couple is from same culture/religion and the family picked the couple based on their knowledge that the two would be a good fit.

 

Like it or not, differences in culture is a big glue. It's not something that can be overlooked. You can't marry someone and believe that your presence alone is enough for them to undo all that they were raised to know and like. Life isn't about your SO and if your life is so pathetic that you have to mold it around your SO, then something's wrong.

 

That's why you spend 1 1/2 to 2 years "dating" someone. You are trying to see what "glue" you both have. And, once you decide to marry, premarital counseling is the next step to make sure that the practicalities to enhance that "glue" are raised and discussed.

 

Seems like you two never really "dated", never had premarital counseling and somehow believed like in the movies that "loooove" conquers all.

 

I'm sure that in Europe there are also women who cook, clean, and have no issue with being a SAMW/SAHM....go out there and find one.

 

I'm 30, shes 26. We long distanced for half a year, lived together in the same room (in a student hostel) for 1 year and been married for 2 years now. So I think thats a comfortably long time to get to know someone to know that you want to marry them.

 

She was a troubled girl when I met her, and I knew it. I thought I could help her. And I did when we lived together. It was like a fairytale. Literally.

 

When she first met me, she had a boyfriend, but she wasnt very happy with him and we used to talk for hours every day and got very close together. i respected her relationship so never made a move. when her bf came to visit, she freaked out and cut out all contact with me. she then went back home, having finished her xchange and completely ignored me. told me after a month that she broke up with her bf. i made the move, booked her tickets to come see me. I was really excited until she bailed on me at the last minute, and didnt come.

 

Anger overtook me, I cut off all contact with her for 6 months. After that, she suddenly arrived back at my college looking for me. I ignored her calls and didnt see her. Ultimately I gave in after she went back and booked flights again to go see her! This time she was willing to have me and thats when the long distance started. 6 months later, after she finished her degree, she moves in with me. 1 year later, we're married.

 

We always said how this would make such a great story to tell our kids and grandchildren. I always believed that the relationship would last through eternity (given the mountains we had to move to be together) against the advice of all my friends at that time.

 

But look where I am now, a shell of a man, living all alone with no friends or family here, having lost the best thing that ever happened to me (or could have happened to any man for that matter).

[wellthissux]

That may also be an issue too, a young college educated woman from England with a job, may not have envisaged that doing all of the housework and cooking all the meals, and treating her husband like a prince, was part of the marriage deal.

 

yes, very insightful again. I never liked it, I cooked as much as I could as well. But she always gave me the impression that she loved doing things for me, shooing me out of the kitchen if i tried to help. Once I vacuumed the house while she was grocery shopping and she got quite mad, because she knows im allergic to dust and start sneezing uncontrollably.

 

As you can see, this doesn't sound like a human being, but a person falling down straight from the heavens. How could I have been so careless???!

 

The one thing she requested was for me to never call her 'stupid' as her dad always called her that when she was young. And I couldn't even do that for her?! What kind of a man am I?!!

 

I know I don't deserve her, I get it. I've had far more than my fair share having her for 3+ years. But please help me get her back, I'm sure there must be a way.

 

Look at the rough start we had, do you think we deserve to let this go so easily? Nothing in this world is permanent, everything can be undone.

 

I just need to know how to go about this

[LancasterAmos1966]

I just need to know how to go about this

 

 

I say True Love lets go, doesn't stalk, doesn't attempt to manipulate the other person.

 

Your wife very clearly does not want a relationship with you.

 

Sure, you can try to get her back....but please don't harass her or over-do your contact. She wants space. Please honor her wishes.

 

When I courted/dated my wife, I never begged her to marry me, I did not need to jump through hoops proving how great I was. She figured that out on her own. Nor did she beg me because I realized she was a great person, and we were a good match.

 

If you try to get your wife back, I'm guessing you will do a lot of begging and making a ton of promises that you probably can't live up to for a lifetime.

 

Why not send her a Thank You card/email for sharing 2 years with you. There were millions of men she could have chosen, but she chose you for those 2 years!! Be thankful, and wish her well....and begin to recover.

 

I wish you well in your journey.

Edited August 21, 2016 by LancasterAmos1966
Grammar issues

[Els]

The secret marriage is really bizarre. I've heard of plenty of people who dated for a long time without telling their parents (quite normal in Asia), but marrying??? I don't see how a secret marriage could possibly turn out well.

 

That being said, this is a separate issue, but no woman could be happy for long if she was working full time AND doing all of the housework. It's just not sustainable. If one person is doing ALL of the housework, it should be because they are not working or only working part time. I see you understand that now, and through quite a painful lesson, but learning this lesson will serve you well in the future.

 

I think you just have to let her go, get a divorce, then go NC.

[wellthissux]

I say True Love lets go, doesn't stalk, doesn't attempt to manipulate the other person.

 

Your wife very clearly does not want a relationship with you.

 

Sure, you can try to get her back....but please don't harass her or over-do your contact. She wants space. Please honor her wishes.

 

When I courted/dated my wife, I never begged her to marry me, I did not need to jump through hoops proving how great I was. She figured that out on her own. Nor did she beg me because I realized she was a great person, and we were a good match.

 

If you try to get your wife back, I'm guessing you will do a lot of begging and making a ton of promises that you probably can't live up to for a lifetime.

 

Why not send her a Thank You card/email for sharing 2 years with you. There were millions of men she could have chosen, but she chose you for those 2 years!! Be thankful, and wish her well....and begin to recover.

 

I wish you well in your journey.

 

man are you being sarcastic now? Whats with the negativity on the forum.

 

Ill beg if I have to beg. Maybe its a cultural thing, but back where I come from, you make a marriage work, no matter what.

 

Look, I clearly made a stupid mistake, i.e. i took her for granted. she married me for a reason, i didnt beg her then. over the last 2 years, failure to make friends and fit in pushed both of us in different directions. i started reading books, playing video games, etc. she started cleaning, cooking, shopping, etc.

 

Its just that after 2 years, she caved in and I'm still here. How is that non-fixable? If we were living in a normal country, where when you went out to do anything, you could actually meet people and make friends, we would not be in this position.

 

Where we lived before, we were happy and had many friends. Everytime we go back to the UK, we have a ball. Her parents were here just 1 month ago and we had an amazing time.

 

How does this not deserve a second chance????

[Els]

How did you have an 'amazing time' with her parents when they don't know about your marriage????

[wellthissux]

The secret marriage is really bizarre. I've heard of plenty of people who dated for a long time without telling their parents (quite normal in Asia), but marrying??? I don't see how a secret marriage could possibly turn out well.

 

That being said, this is a separate issue, but no woman could be happy for long if she was working full time AND doing all of the housework. It's just not sustainable. If one person is doing ALL of the housework, it should be because they are not working or only working part time. I see you understand that now, and through quite a painful lesson, but learning this lesson will serve you well in the future.

 

I think you just have to let her go, get a divorce, then go NC.

 

thx for the advice. Secret marriage was only because she was scared I would go back home after finishing my degree, and it was my way of showing her I would stay. Seemed perfectly reasonable at the time, and i dont see any problems with it now.

 

I think most people on this forum are picturing a normal person when they think of my wife. She's not. Shes super. Her views on everything are unlike anything ive ever heard from an adult, so innocent and pure, its amazing to behold.

 

And she saw qualities in me which attracted her, she saw the maturity and thick skin which she desired. thats why we worked so well. I tried to help her with her sensitivity and anxiety over the years but hostile country, losing job, seeking therapy just got to her.

 

She seems to think its over because I'm too much like her dad (overbearing, loud, anger issues, etc) but thats exactly why we need each other. I know her problems deeply and have helped her. She can help me be a better person and she has over the years.

 

Thats what marriage is after all, isnt it? Not finding the perfect person, but finding the right person and making them perfect? I truly believe that.

[wellthissux]

How did you have an 'amazing time' with her parents when they don't know about your marriage????

 

they dont know abt the marriage but they do know we're together. we have been for 3 years now. her mom even asks her about the wedding and how i should ask the dad for her hand, etc.

 

her dad and me get along very well and we regularly skype, etc. believe me as far as everyone (except the wife apparently) was concerned, everything was going swimmingly until last week.

[LancasterAmos1966]

man are you being sarcastic now? Whats with the negativity on the forum.

 

Ill beg if I have to beg. Maybe its a cultural thing, but back where I come from, you make a marriage work, no matter what.

 

Look, I clearly made a stupid mistake, i.e. i took her for granted. she married me for a reason, i didnt beg her then. over the last 2 years, failure to make friends and fit in pushed both of us in different directions. i started reading books, playing video games, etc. she started cleaning, cooking, shopping, etc.

 

Its just that after 2 years, she caved in and I'm still here. How is that non-fixable? If we were living in a normal country, where when you went out to do anything, you could actually meet people and make friends, we would not be in this position.

 

Where we lived before, we were happy and had many friends. Everytime we go back to the UK, we have a ball. Her parents were here just 1 month ago and we had an amazing time.

 

How does this not deserve a second chance????

 

 

No, I'm not being sarcastic.

 

You are just hurting, and apparently my reply rubbed you the wrong way. Sorry about that, but um, I am not a professional counselor, and I'm not sitting in front of you to talk this out.

 

I walked in your shoes a few years ago, and I was hurting so bad.

 

And I'm not offended by your venting --- you are hurting, and need a safe place to vent.

 

Apparently you are in denial about her leaving. You are acting like someone kidnapped her, and you need to go rescue her.

 

Um, my wife walked out, and yours did too.

 

A 2nd chance?? She is the one who will decide that, not you.

Edited August 21, 2016 by LancasterAmos1966
Grammar issue

[wellthissux]

No, I'm not being sarcastic.

 

You are just hurting, and apparently my reply rubbed you the wrong way. Sorry about that, but um, I am not a professional counselor, and I'm not sitting in front of you to talk this out.

 

I walked in your shoes a few years ago, and I was hurting so bad.

 

And I'm not offended by your venting --- you are hurting, and need a safe place to vent.

 

Apparently you are in denial about her leaving. You are acting like someone kidnapped her, and you need to go rescue her.

 

Um, my wife walked out, and yours did too.

 

A 2nd chance?? She is the one who will decide that, not you.

 

thx for understanding, means a lot to me at this time in my life.

 

Absolutely right abt the 2nd chance, its her decision to make. But do you think I should just sit here twiddling my thumbs in the meanwhile?

 

I mean what should I do? Write her a letter/email explaining how wrong I've been? Beg her to come back in that letter? Call her up? Call up her parents? Physically fly over to their house in the UK?

[LancasterAmos1966]

thx for understanding, means a lot to me at this time in my life.

 

Absolutely right abt the 2nd chance, its her decision to make. But do you think I should just sit here twiddling my thumbs in the meanwhile?

 

I mean what should I do? Write her a letter/email explaining how wrong I've been? Beg her to come back in that letter? Call her up? Call up her parents? Physically fly over to their house in the UK?

 

 

In my humble opinion, a phone call or visit is not appropriate.

 

If you must contact her, I'd suggest writing to her.

 

Let her know you miss her, let her know you are thankful for the years she shared with you and let her know the door to reuniting will remain open if she ever wants to return.

 

So if you can get her back, that is wonderful. I enjoy a good marriage-restoration story.

 

And if you want some help hanging on, then google "Stander for Marriage" and you'll get lots of encouragement on how to "stand" for your marriage.

 

But I still can't encourage you to beg her, or pester her.

 

If she was kidnapped, then employ the armies of the world to go rescue her.

 

She left on her own.

 

She told you where is going.

 

She does not need rescued.

 

She does not want to hurt you, but she needs you to set her free.

 

If she wanted to hurt you, I can think of a thousand ways she could have made your life even more miserable!! She talked to you long enough to tell you where she is going and what she is doing.

 

She did not want your vote on the topic because she wanted out, and she had to leave before she changed her mind.

 

No, I don't agree with how she broke her marriage vow, but, this is her Right to do.

 

Again, please don't misunderstand my words or think I'm trying to be sarcastic. I'm just writing as it comes to my mind. We are not professional writers on this forum.

 

We just want to see you stand tall again, and come back here in the future, and say Life Is Good Again!!!!

Edited August 21, 2016 by LancasterAmos1966
Grammar issue

[elaine567]

 

She seems to think its over because I'm too much like her dad (overbearing, loud, anger issues, etc) but thats exactly why we need each other. I know her problems deeply and have helped her. She can help me be a better person and she has over the years.

 

 

You say your wife was innocent, pure and "perfect", she spent her life cleaning, cooking, shopping and treating you well.

It is very easy to live with a person like that, they do not rock boats and contribute massively to the smooth flow of the relationship. YOU felt very loved and cared for.

 

Contrast with what she saw from her side, a "loud, overbearing and angry" person who spent his time buried in books and video games. You were not so easy to live with and what were you contributing to the smooth running of the relationship? Did she feel loved and cared for?

That is I guess why she has left.

The relationship was "perfect" your end, for her it was not so "perfect".

 

I think you will have an uphill struggle convincing her to come back, because, you had actually improved your game recently, you had actually toned down your anger, but I guess it was all too little too late and she made up her mind to go anyway.

 

[As an aside I remember speaking to an abused co worker of mine, she had managed to leave her dangerous and violent husband after about 15 years and 5 kids. (I am not suggesting you are anywhere near as bad to live with as this man was, that is not the point I am making).

I said to her, "So it all got too much, what did he do to prompt you to leave eventually after all that time?" she said "No, he didn't do anything, he has been as good as gold for the last 2 years, but it was all too little too late, I just had to leave."]

 

 

[LancasterAmos1966]

I think you will have an uphill struggle convincing her to come back

 

 

That's exactly what I think too.

 

According to all the books I've read, he would most likely drive her further away if he does not honor her desire for freedom and space.

 

And if there's going to be a reunion in the future, we know it won't be because he makes another promise or shows up at her door with flowers.

 

The 5 stages of loss/grief are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Those who have gone through the stages know exactly where he is at in this process. Hopefully he doesn't get stuck, but continues his emotional recovery until he is standing tall again.

 

Your co-worker story makes sense to me, but I'm guessing her husband took awhile to let go!! And to this very day, he is probably bitter, and angry over her "ruining" his life and being a "narcissistic jerk". He probably has no gratitude for the 15 years she shared with him, just bitterness and name calling.

[wellthissux]

In my humble opinion, a phone call or visit is not appropriate.

 

If you must contact her, I'd suggest writing to her.

 

Let her know you miss her, let her know you are thankful for the years she shared with you and let her know the door to reuniting will remain open if she ever wants to return.

 

So if you can get her back, that is wonderful. I enjoy a good marriage-restoration story.

 

And if you want some help hanging on, then google "Stander for Marriage" and you'll get lots of encouragement on how to "stand" for your marriage.

 

But I still can't encourage you to beg her, or pester her.

 

If she was kidnapped, then employ the armies of the world to go rescue her.

 

She left on her own.

 

She told you where is going.

 

She does not need rescued.

 

She does not want to hurt you, but she needs you to set her free.

 

If she wanted to hurt you, I can think of a thousand ways she could have made your life even more miserable!! She talked to you long enough to tell you where she is going and what she is doing.

 

She did not want your vote on the topic because she wanted out, and she had to leave before she changed her mind.

 

No, I don't agree with how she broke her marriage vow, but, this is her Right to do.

 

Again, please don't misunderstand my words or think I'm trying to be sarcastic. I'm just writing as it comes to my mind. We are not professional writers on this forum.

 

We just want to see you stand tall again, and come back here in the future, and say Life Is Good Again!!!!

 

Cheers, thanks for your kind and understanding words at this time. I really appreciate it.

[wellthissux]

You say your wife was innocent, pure and "perfect", she spent her life cleaning, cooking, shopping and treating you well.

It is very easy to live with a person like that, they do not rock boats and contribute massively to the smooth flow of the relationship. YOU felt very loved and cared for.

 

Contrast with what she saw from her side, a "loud, overbearing and angry" person who spent his time buried in books and video games. You were not so easy to live with and what were you contributing to the smooth running of the relationship? Did she feel loved and cared for?

That is I guess why she has left.

The relationship was "perfect" your end, for her it was not so "perfect".

 

I think you will have an uphill struggle convincing her to come back, because, you had actually improved your game recently, you had actually toned down your anger, but I guess it was all too little too late and she made up her mind to go anyway.

 

[As an aside I remember speaking to an abused co worker of mine, she had managed to leave her dangerous and violent husband after about 15 years and 5 kids. (I am not suggesting you are anywhere near as bad to live with as this man was, that is not the point I am making).

I said to her, "So it all got too much, what did he do to prompt you to leave eventually after all that time?" she said "No, he didn't do anything, he has been as good as gold for the last 2 years, but it was all too little too late, I just had to leave."]

 

 

 

I agree, you are right. I can see why anyone would leave under the circumstance. In fact, any one else would have left 2 years earlier. Thats the kind of woman she is, sticking by me past all that bad behavior, truly unbelievable.

 

The problem is that she never made it known that my laziness was bothering her. my anger, sure, but not my laziness. But thats the kind of person she is, tolerating in the interest of avoiding a fight. If I had known, i WOULD have corrected myself, just like I did last summer.

 

This is the primary reason I want to convince her to give me a fair chance. I'm not normally like this. But I am only human. Someone comes along and tells me they'll cook, clean and do the dishes+laundry, and that it makes them happy to do these things for me, it is natural to get lazy and take advantage of the situation.

 

sure, it was highly stupid of me to do so, i realize now. but is there really no going back???

[LancasterAmos1966]

but is there really no going back???

 

 

Out of a ton of books I bought from Amazon, there's only one book that really helped me understand and accept that "it's over." Until I realized that, until I accepted that, I struggled daily with my emotions!!

 

The book Uncoupling: Turning Points In Intimate Relationships will NOT help you get your wife back. But it will help you understand that she needed to leave. She left because she needs to move on. There's really no way to leave in a "nice way".

 

ALL leaving will cause someone to feel hurt and rejected --- so she left the best way she knew how. Do it quickly, and don't hang around to be talked out of it.

 

That book I mentioned above says that until we stop taking 100 percent of the blame, we will not move forward. Sure, go ahead ask your wife to forgive you for whatever you did wrong, but um, I'm sure she made a marriage Vow too when you got married!! In my book, marriages are for a lifetime, and all issues must be resolved through mutual discussion and agreements.

 

So, if she wants to come back, it will be in her time. Making promises, buying gifts, is trying to manipulate her feelings.

 

And IF you want to reunite with her, you must let her decide. You must give her ALL the time she needs. That could be 1 week or 50 years!! Most people might give her 90 days, or maybe a year, but haha, not 50 years.

 

If your wife wants you back, she will cross the widest ocean, climb the highest mountain to find you. But it won't be due to a gift of flowers or another promise you make.

 

If you prefer to not divorce/remarry, then you you might want to google "Standing for Marriage" and you'll get some good information. Please understand that I do not agree with the "standing" message 100 percent!! I agree with honoring a marriage vow "until death do you part" but I believe the left-behind-spouse must recover and go on to live a fulfilled life. Some "Standers" are not able to function a normal life because they are still emotionally tied to their spouse that left. That is no way to live life.

 

In spite of your loss, I hope you have a good week.

Edited August 22, 2016 by LancasterAmos1966