Overreacting or..?

[rubyflower]

So my boyfriend of 8 months always tells me how I am the one and how he doesn't want anyone but me. He is 31 and I am 26 so I know I am still a little young to be discussing settling down but I have done the dating scene and am tired of it. I really care for this guy and the thought of seeing him alone makes me feel really bad but I have some trust issues as well. Basically he left his phone in the bathroom earlier and I went in to get ready for the day. I was curious because we had been having little petty fights recently over stupid things that we eventually talk out but for some reason I had this bad feeling so I picked up his phone and opened it, it was not locked btw. I KNOW this is wrong and an invasion of personal space but I just couldn't get rid of this feeling so I opened up his text messenger and found a girl he was talking to. Firstly the name is saved as "Nick" so I wouldn't have thought twice but I saw part of the message saying something "heyy how are you ? which isn't a normal guy to guy text. Turns out back in April my boyfriend told this girl he was single and still thought about her, they swapped some selfies nothing graphic but they have been randomly texting through our whole relationship up until mid July. I came out of the bathroom crying and started off by saying how I knew what I did was wrong and that he would be mad but who the heck was Nikki (mentioned in text). He immediately jumped to the phone thing and said how he would need to relock it now which made me even more furious then said nothing happened. That's basically what he is sticking with, "nothing happened just talking". He thinks I am overreacting but when I asked if I did that to him how would he feel and he said not good but he would forgive if nothing happened. He claims it is not a form of cheating and that I just need to look past it because he is serious about me now.

 

I can't be overreacting about this I know it is cheating..

[JDPT]

No you are not over reaction. So he he's serious about you after you found those texts? I think he's just telling you what you want to hear so you can get him off the hook about this. I was in a similar situation with my ex. I calmly confronted her bout it and she gave me a lame excuse. At that point I knew she couldn't be trusted.

[preraph]

No, you're not overreacting. He's still fishing for a new woman or an additional woman. He's probably not going to be "the one" for you. You'd never be able to trust him. And for him the grass is always greener...

[rubyflower]

I really do feel it is cheating and that is what I explained to him. Its very hard though because we were just getting ready to move in together into a duplex. He has always treated me very well and for all this to come out of nowhere creates such a shock for me. I was so sad at first and now it's like I can't feel anything.

[biker23]

His reaction sealed it. It's cheating.

[Dis]

I'm sorry hun

 

You're not overreacting

 

Hun, I'm speaking from experience when I tell you that this is just the tip of the iceburg and just the beginning of the road in regards to his cheating

 

There's probably alot more to this story than what you know. Maybe he had sex with her...who knows. Maybe theres other women....cant rule anything out now

 

You dont trust him now....and please please believe me when I tell you...you two cannot have a healthy/lasting relationship if you dont trust him...and tbh....you shouldnt

 

I think its very tough for cheaters to change (judging from what I read from your post, I think your bf is one of these types) Please dont proceed with this relationship under the false assumption that this or something worse will not happen again. Speaking from experience, when I discovered some of my ex's shady behavior...it only got worse from there

 

If I were you...I'd leave. I wouldnt wait around for things to get worse....you've seen his true colors now...theres nothing left to figure out

 

You're 4 years younger than me, when I was your age....I wouldnt have left. I wouldve assumed it was a one time thing and hoped he would change. Then years later....when things got really bad and I couldnt take it anymore...I'd gather the strength to get out

 

Knowing what I know now....I'd be out that door....I hope you do the same

[Dis]

His reaction sealed it. It's cheating.

 

Yup. Only a guy guilty of some form of cheating would get angry or defensive.

 

OP, look up gas lighting

 

Its a form of manipulation that cheaters use to shift the blame onto you and to also convince you they are innocent and you're the crazy one

 

My ex did that to me all the time. By the time I ended my relationship with him I couldnt tell the difference between a truth and a lie....he turned me upside down...one of the best, most healthy choices of my life was ending my relationship with him

 

OP, dont fall victim to his lies, gas lighting, and defensive and angry reactions

 

Leave

[rubyflower]

Thank you everyone for your advice and kind words. Its a very hard time and I know many people go through difficulties like these. I want to give him a chance but part of me knows its only because I feel bad for him when I shouldn't. He hurt me and the trust is gone and if it happened this early on what's to stop it from happening again down the road.. I'm beyond upset but I feel so empty right now and I just wish I could feel something else and want everthing to be ok when I know it cant. It's true when they say love hurts

[Dis]

Thank you everyone for your advice and kind words. Its a very hard time and I know many people go through difficulties like these. I want to give him a chance but part of me knows its only because I feel bad for him when I shouldn't. He hurt me and the trust is gone and if it happened this early on what's to stop it from happening again down the road.. I'm beyond upset but I feel so empty right now and I just wish I could feel something else and want everthing to be ok when I know it cant. It's true when they say love hurts

 

I'm sorry you're hurting hun

 

Instead of feeling bad for him...maybe you should think about what he did to you....and whatever else he did to you that you dont know about....Why would you feel bad for a man that is in some way cheating on you???...Try being pissed instead....you have every right to be

 

I know you're at the, "Still want to give him a chance" stage but believe me you will get to the, "I'm done, done, done!" stage eventually

 

I just wish you could see him for who he really is and walk away before he hurts you again

 

I'm sorry girly but if you stay with him... this isnt going to end well for you

[Lois_Griffin]

He immediately jumped to the phone thing and said how he would need to relock it now which made me even more furious then said nothing happened.

Good. He can 're-lock' it as he's pulling out of your driveway for the last time.

 

Why in the HELL you 'feel bad for him' is beyond me. Yes, the poor, poor liar - he's SUCH a victim.

 

You DO realize that you finding that crap was for a reason, right? And that reason is fate wanted you to SEE what a sleazebag he is before you moved in with him. Someone up there was looking out for you.

 

Don't waste time with sleazy losers like this. Life is too short.

[Space Ritual]

Thank you everyone for your advice and kind words. Its a very hard time and I know many people go through difficulties like these. I want to give him a chance but part of me knows its only because I feel bad for him when I shouldn't. He hurt me and the trust is gone and if it happened this early on what's to stop it from happening again down the road.. I'm beyond upset but I feel so empty right now and I just wish I could feel something else and want everthing to be ok when I know it cant. It's true when they say love hurts

 

 

Yeah you feel bad now but imagine how crappy you would have felt f you discovered it after marriage, a mortgage and 2 kids with him...

 

He gave you a gift, which was a snapshot into what a future with him is going to be like. Run like Hell and don't look back.