What does happiness look like to you...

[central]

There will always be problems in life, so stresses of varying types and degrees will always exist. If you can do nothing to alter or improve those conditions, you are likely to continue to feel frustrated and even depressed.

 

However, if you have AGENCY - the ability to DO something to improve or at least change things - then you have control or influence over the course of your life, and such empowerment reduces stress and increases the opportunity to be happy.

 

So, while I said earlier that the absence of stresses is important, it is even MORE important to have agency when dealing with them.

[BluesPower]

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for all the posts.

 

 

All of them are helping get some kind of perspective on this stuff.

[SpiralOut]

Not picking on you, but "life" is kind of like the definition of History: one damn thing after another. I think the trick to happiness, which I'm still working on after 54 years on the planet, is finding contentment despite the annoyances, petty or otherwise, that pop up. Happiness is a perspective that I believe can be chosen, although it's a choice that's easier to make if we have a life full of good things: people who love us, activities that enrich us, and as much laughter as possible.

 

I agree, but I was speaking more from a "what if anything was possible" point of view. My answer wasn't really meant to be realistic. Though I will say (being realistic now) that it's very important for me to spend regular time around positive people. If I spend day after day around toxic, negative people, I won't be happy no matter how hard I try to "choose" to be happy.

 

On another note, there's the argument that finding joy is more important than happiness. Eckhart Tolle's talks quite a bit about that.

Edited August 23, 2016 by SpiralOut

[Searching4Love]

Everyone will have a unique answer depending on what they have been through.... to me it would be those days i have my head up and all I could do is smile.

[Alltohim]

Let me ask a question: how does music make you feel? How does helping your son with his organizing, playing, maybe writing some music make you feel?

PTSD comes, unfortunately, in many forms. From someone doing something to you or to war experiences. If things are being taken care of without a lot of help from you, how does that make you feel? Are goals being met, how's that encourage you? If I'm helping someone else out (like myself right now) it makes me feel better about myself, so that in turn makes me feel good or happy!!

Our feelings are not always the best to rely on as they come and go as fast as the wind, so don't rely on them a whole bunch. Rely on the things which are accomplished, the things which you can see results. I'm so glad for you that you and your wife have gotten together and worked things out and she's doing so much better. You're helping your son is a big plus too, in that it brings a family closer and shows your son that you really care.

Those are happy things, things which encourage, strengthen, support and show love.

[Alltohim]

Let me ask a question: how does music make you feel? How does helping your son with his organizing, playing, maybe writing some music make you feel?

PTSD comes, unfortunately, in many forms. From someone doing something to you or to war experiences. If things are being taken care of without a lot of help from you, how does that make you feel? Are goals being met, how's that encourage you? If I'm helping someone else out (like myself right now) it makes me feel better about myself, so that in turn makes me feel good or happy!!

Our feelings are not always the best to rely on as they come and go as fast as the wind, so don't rely on them a whole bunch. Rely on the things which are accomplished, the things which you can see results. I'm so glad for you that you and your wife have gotten together and worked things out and she's doing so much better. You're helping your son is a big plus too, in that it brings a family closer and shows your son that you really care.

Those are happy things, things which encourage, strengthen, support and show love.

[BluesPower]

I love to perform. I am a top notch player in my area, not the best any more but really good. If I go into the average Jam ( I assume that most of you know that that is???) I am the best player in the room. I don't go on about it because I don't need to.

 

So I love to perform and I am happiest on stage. I don't ever want to go on the road again because I have done it and it is a young man's game.

 

So yes, starting a new band with some really good players doing cool music is a place of happiness for me.

 

With my kids, they both play together in the same primary band that is theirs, I love watching them grow and helping them out, doing sound for them and what ever else they need. For them I would like for them to learn everything that they can so they can be independent of me for their sake. And so I will have more time to play myself.

 

So yeah, those are 2 pretty happy places. I am wondering if all that is enough "happiness" to be happy. Maybe it is...

 

Thanks for the post...

[Wave Rider]

I no longer consider "the pursuit of happiness" to be my life goal, because happiness is a temporary and fleeting emotion, and I don't have a lot of control over when it comes and how long it stays. I've mostly found that chasing after happiness just makes me miserable. I used to do the thing of "I'll be happy when I finally get...." but that only leads to misery. Then I tried to be happy in the present, but happiness was as hard to hold onto as a moonbeam. It was capricious and fleeting. So now I just try to reduce my suffering.

 

As for the purpose of life, if it's not happiness? There isn't one, as far as I can tell.

[BluesPower]

I have felt like you do. Sometimes you feel like, hey I am on this hamster wheel and I am just not getting anywhere.

 

 

But I am starting to realize that other people are Happy, why can't I be? Maybe happy is not the right word. Maybe we should say content or at peace.

 

 

I want to encourage you to try and thing differently, I have be playing defense for a long time and it does not seem to work for me.

 

 

Thanks...

[SpiralOut]

Thinking about this some more, some of my happiest moments are the ones where I'm not really consciously aware of feeling happy. I feel best when I am deeply engaged with something that takes my mind outside of itself, whether it is spending time in the garden or having a good conversation with someone. Creative self-expression is also deeply satisfying. At the risk of sounding cheesy, I guess you could say I feel most content when I am connecting with some deeper part of myself.

[dichotomy]

Happiness is momentary for me - moments here and there.

 

However I am content and focused to keep unhappiness out my life as much as possible.

 

 

I think you can work to keep unhappiness out of your life - but happiness kind of happens on its own.

[benpom]

In a report I read, the author found that the majority happy people who remained happy years later were the ones with little possessions and little ambitions in life. The author also reported another group of people who were happy: the very capable ones who were doing great in career. But for this group of people, some of them became very unhappy when the career failed.

 

From this report and my own experience, I came up with my theory of how to be happy: 1. knowing what we want, 2. and getting what we want.

 

When identifying what we want in heart, one tricky thing is that what we want in heart may not be the same as what we want in mind. Another tricky thing is that it changes over time. So in this sense, happiness is only momentary. We may even deny ourselves when we want what should not get. When mind does not agree with heart, we have to sink the idea from brain into the heart. This process can be very long and can create lots of anxiety. People with OCD can suffer from this type of anxiety often. Some people can achieve a mindset where they TRULY don't want anything, and such people become quite content and happy (though not accomplished).

 

Just knowing what we want is only half of the receipt for happiness. The other half is to have the ability to accomplish it and also actually accomplishing it.

 

OP, surely you have had moments of happiness in life, like when you were playing with your children. But your heart wants a fulfilling relationship in the big picture, and you are not getting it. That's why you don't feel happy in terms of the big picture, even though you have sporadic moments of happiness.

 

OP, I recommend you hold onto the hope that your marriage might work out. Divorce is a very traumatic experience. When you have children together, divorce will make many people suffer from the breakdown of a family for years or decades. Set a time frame and wait to see if your wife can really commit to making changes. Try to find happiness in other aspects of life for now when you are giving your wife some time to rebuild marriage. Try to imagine this: do you think you will be happier if your wife was gone from this world? If not, repairing the relationship (if repairable) will give you less heartache than divorce down the road.

Edited September 5, 2016 by benpom