After many posts, Feeling Victorious!

[KittyKat67]

After many posts about my abusive family, I had to actually go down and help my mom and loveshack, therapy for a year, and my hormonal meds..lol...have changed my life... here is what happened.

 

 

I am middle aged woman who even at my age, am bullied by my parents both Nparents, father was EXTREMELY controlling and abusive growing up, now emotionally abusive and is really quite menacing. After a huge fight 3 years I cut them off. Not entirely, but we stopped talking but once every few months. It was what I needed to start the healing process. See ever since I brought up to him about his abuse 5 years ago, he has been very detached with snide comments and passive aggressive words and posture like rapid fire. My father loves me in his own way I suppose, but he is a mean person and he doesn't like me, I see it, I feel it, and his ego and pride are injured because of my honesty.

 

See I am a free spirit. Gypsy, artist, dancer, singer, indigo..etc, you get the picture. My mom and dad are conservative and emotionless and detached. I get on their last nerve. They HATE seeing me dance in the living room. They HATE hearing my deep belly laugh..they scowl......They HATE hearing me talk about how many places I want to move to and experience (to them I am an unstable lunatic).

 

But guess what, F*ck it. I'm done with this song and dance. I quit and am going rouge, solo.

So for last year I have been in intense therapy, doing lots of meditation, and inner soul work and so I decided I was healed enough to go down to see them. LIttle did I know all the work I had done on myself was going to be needed, every single bit of it.

 

My father is a professional bully. When I went down last week, my father laid it on thick. My father told me to just be normal. He made snide remarks about when I grow old I"m going to need so much help, he made snide remarks and shake his head in disgust, and each time he did that I stood up for myself with respect and had a witty comeback. I felt really really powerful at that point because I felt the tables turn. I at that point, became less enraged and started to realize what a miserable person he truly is. I told him, that his snide comments towards me don't hurt me.....and that its only hurting him and I am concerned for him. He was kind of shocked and didn't know what to say. He also has this rage and fury that has been present in his personality since a child to right now. I am finally seeing that he is his own worst enemy. HIs dissatifaction is about him. He is his own ugly. He is facing his own mortality and is not at peace but me, my brother or my mother is not the root of his unhappiness. He is too much of a sociopath and Narc to ever realize it. Its everyone else that is the problem. And all the hard work I have done is paying off because I truly do feel sorry for him. Being bitter, resentful....finding constant flaws..I was there. I used to do that but I am lucky I am aware and open minded. He is not though. He is confined and destined to be miserable, dissatisfied, angry and bitter. I do feel that Karma plays a huge part as he was violent to me growing up. And I mean violent. I don't wish my dad discomfort. I will say though I am a big believer in karma. I have my power back, he is losing his, by his own free will. KARMA.

 

Part of what I think helped me is his anger is so extreme, its hillarious and I AM SOO OVER IT. His snide comments and constant critisixm I was able to look at kind of third party, as I haven't been around him much and found it so disturbing. The distubing part is the extrme nature of his constant put downs that I just really had to laugh inside at the time. It was bad it was funny. This man's spirit is dead. I mean at my age I just can't let him intimidate me. He is menacing and at 86 years old he just needs to take several seats. I'm just so over his anger now that I just have to laugh. Its sad, but It is actually funny to me now.

 

Going back in contact, in the line of fire, going back to the "pit" was really what I needed to get me to realize that I have come far, I have healed and I just proved it to myself and I am proud. Do I wish my dad bad? No, I love him, but I love myself first, and I feel no need for his approval anymore, and maybe now, I can get some compassion for him. Seeing him this last time made me realize how fearful he is about dying. He talks about it all the time, will same things out of the blue. I wish this man some type of peace because he is not at peace. That is why he is being so mean, and I forgive him. I had to go back in contact, I was so scared, but i had to. This was so huge in my healing. Huge.

 

I have realized that nurturing the relationship and improving the quality of the relationship with myself, proved to be the answer. I feel at peace.

Edited August 21, 2016 by KittyKat67