Alabama1877 Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Hey, ok, I'm discussing a situation with my girl and guy friends and wondering what LS makes of it. Scenario..: I met a guy, we hit it off instantly, very easy to talk to each other, made each other laugh, spoke about personal stuff, was very open with each other. In fact, we both said its crazy how much we get on, how easy and natural it feels. We both wasn't expecting it. The problem was he lives 2 hours away. He has a little boy, who he adores and sees a lot. No problem with me, it's one of the things that attracted me to him. Over the weeks, he has said to me..how just thinking about me makes he's heard race, he wants to see me, not just sex but just to be with me, how he's never met anyone like me..and I felt the same...it was crazy! I could of really fell for this guy, and I think he felt the same. Well, we met up the other day..it was so lovely..then he said do you think distance is a problem? As we both work full time, have children etc.. To which I said, if you think it's going to be a problem, maybe we should leave it before we get emotionally involved..I'm was thinking logically, but didn't want that. He said lets sleep on it. Next day, I receive the text. Saying how he thinks I'm amazing, perfect for him etc...and how this could be great seeing each other, but in the long term..what would happen? He then said, I'm not moving to where you are as I'm not leaving my son, you can't move up here. We can't continue. I feel absolutely gutted if I'm honest..as feelings like that are rare. I've left him to get on with it and havnt bern in contact. The romantic side of me wishes he would give it a go. He last girlfriend cheated on him, and he's just spending time with his son, but wants a girlfriend to. Just confused how he could let it go really. Any thoughts?
LookAtThisPOst Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 So much for that "Spark" and "Chemistry" malarkey in another thread around here somewhere. That's why I don't put that much stock into it that so many people tend to cling onto in the dating profiles. Sorry for your situation. 3
Lois_Griffin Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 (edited) Your situation is exactly WHY I didn't waste my time dating guys who lived an hour or two away from me. There was just no point in it because I wasn't moving to be with anyone and didn't expect anyone to move to be with ME. I mean seriously, who wants to have to plan a whole day around 4 hours of commuting? People like to meet impulsively for a movie or coffee or dinner but you can't do that in your case. You literally have to plan to spend the entire day away from home in order to make it worth your while. He's absolutely right - it's pointless to pursue anything if he's looking for something that will eventually lead to a long term live-in relationship or even marriage. Edited August 21, 2016 by Lois_Griffin 4
Amelie1980 Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Your situation is exactly WHY I didn't waste my time dating guys who lived an hour or two away from me. There was just no point in it because I wasn't moving to be with anyone and didn't expect anyone to move to be with ME. I mean seriously, who wants to have to plan a whole day around 4 hours of commuting? People like to meet impulsively for a movie or coffee or dinner but you can't do that in your case. You literally have to plan to spend the entire day away from home in order to make it worth your while. He's absolutely right - it's pointless to pursue anything if he's looking for something that will eventually lead to a long term live-in relationship or even marriage. It depends what you're used to. The city I live in, if one person lives at one end and someone on the other end, you are looking at 1-2 hours to get to each other. But you live in the same city! We think nothing of having distances like that. You meet central and meeting takes a bit of planning but it is normal to us. 2
smudge21 Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Coming off of a LDR many moons ago, I know exactly the confusion you're facing now. Two people who seem to be perfect for each other, but then it all ends. I do reckon at first, that long distance seems like nothing but as the relationship/friendship goes on, those miles start to seem longer and then the time span away from someone appears much more painful. Sadly we never chose who we fall for - I would never have chosen an LDR, but it was out of my hands. Love just happens and it's great when it works, but is horrible when it doesn't. 2
Author Alabama1877 Posted August 21, 2016 Author Posted August 21, 2016 Yes your all right, and I know that too... It's crazy to feel hurt over something I never really had, but was so close to. Sounds silly, I just wonder if he feels just as hurt.
Mkn1010 Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 It sounds like you were the first one to suggest just leaving it if distance is going to be an issue. And it seems like you were wanting him to say 'No way' because you were feeling scared and needed reassurance. But he was also feeling scared and took your comments as you suggesting that it's better to end things. It seems like he wanted to end it before he gets majorly hurt by you ending it over the distance thing. The speed in which he has developed feelings has lead to him freaking out about the distance, in my opinion, instead of just taking one day as it comes. Please keep us updated as to what happens! It feels like he's running to save agony down the track! 2
Mkn1010 Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 (edited) And yes, I think he feels very hurt but I also think sometimes men tend to be more protective when it comes to their feelings. And the risk factor is too high for him now! Doesn't mean he won't agonise over it! Just know that if its meant to be, it'll be Edited August 21, 2016 by Mkn1010 1
Author Alabama1877 Posted August 21, 2016 Author Posted August 21, 2016 And yes, I think he feels very hurt but I also think sometimes men tend to be more protective when it comes to their feelings. And the risk factor is too high for him now! Doesn't mean he won't agonise over it! Just know that if its meant to be, it'll be Thank you....sounds silly. I miss him. He was constantly telling me he can't stop thinking off me, secretly, I hope he gets I touch to talk. But honestly, I don't think he will. It's just nice to hear other people's opinions.
Vintage79 Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 I don't know why this is a conversation - the op literally told him to stop seeing her if he had a problem with the distance, his response was to stop seeing her - there's nothing to discuss - he picked his son and a sane drive over someone he didn't know and hell in a car. One thing people frequently seem to struggle with is understanding that not everyone feels the same way that they do and thatit's usually not that hard to meet someone... 2
CarrieT Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 OP, if you feel that differently about him and are willing to make changes to your life - and location? - to be with him, than tell him and fight for him. When I was doing a *lot* of OLD, I got in the habit of turning down any guy that was more than 90 minutes away. I did meet a guy who was everything on paper and when I learned he was more line two- two-and-half hours away, I did the exact same thing your guy did and tried to end it. This guy I was seeing, however, convinced me we should give it a try and that the last relationship he had was with someone in a different state, let alone a different county, so he had some experience negotiating a LDR. So we gave it a try... For a year. Then got engaged and have now been married for three years. And I ended up being the one to move to his locale... Just say'n; if you really see a potential future, don't let the distance get in the way. 5
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 1) 2 hours doesn't even qualify as long distance. 2) the guy wasn't feeling it, huge chemistry and attraction is your perspective. Regardless of what he said, his actions show otherwise. 1
Author Alabama1877 Posted August 21, 2016 Author Posted August 21, 2016 OP, if you feel that differently about him and are willing to make changes to your life - and location? - to be with him, than tell him and fight for him. When I was doing a *lot* of OLD, I got in the habit of turning down any guy that was more than 90 minutes away. I did meet a guy who was everything on paper and when I learned he was more line two- two-and-half hours away, I did the exact same thing your guy did and tried to end it. This guy I was seeing, however, convinced me we should give it a try and that the last relationship he had was with someone in a different state, let alone a different county, so he had some experience negotiating a LDR. So we gave it a try... For a year. Then got engaged and have now been married for three years. And I ended up being the one to move to his locale... Just say'n; if you really see a potential future, don't let the distance get in the way. How can I tell him that without scaring him off? I wish I could I really do, horrible thing is..even before I met him, in doing up my house and wanting to relocate somewhere with my son for a fresh start. So yes, if it had of worked..I would of moved nearer. The reason I'm scared is incase he's using distance as an excuse to not see me and he actually isn't interested..miss him. But don't if he does me.
smackie9 Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 If you both are looking to marry someday and you have np relocating in the near future if the timing is right, then I can see it working out. BUT if it is not possible then it was for the best. I think he wants everything now, ready to go, not waiting it out for a year or so just on promises.
CarrieT Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 You will never know if you don't ask.... You will always second-guest and question his true motives or feelings if you don't ask... 3
preraph Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 There are people who are able to make rational decisions rather than follow their emotions. In the case where people have kids, it makes moving a near-impossibility in many cases because with custody, you can only be so many miles or minutes away to share custody. And even in a place that allows, say, 90 minutes away, who in their right mind would want to go through that every week? Once you have kids, there's logistics: the other spouse, school, the kid's friends, the stability factor. There's plenty of single parent fish in the sea, so don't give up, but shop local! 1
longjohn Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Here's a mad idea for you, how about one of you move closer say an hour each and funny enough your in the same place. You don't want to wake up one day one and abused in a nursing home wondering "what if". Life is too short for what if. You only live once stand up and take life by the b@lls.
Author Alabama1877 Posted August 21, 2016 Author Posted August 21, 2016 How can I tell him that without scaring him off? I wish I could I really do, horrible thing is..even before I met him, in doing up my house and wanting to relocate somewhere with my son for a fresh start. So yes, if it had of worked..I would of moved nearer. The reason I'm scared is incase he's using distance as an excuse to not see me and he actually isn't interested..miss him. But don't if he does me. This was my goodbye text If I didn't like you I wouldn't have been with you how I was yesterday. But the journey back which was a lot longer than I realised allowed me more time to think. There's no flexibility with us. Are you saying you would move up to me because there's no way I could move down to you as it would mean sacrificing my time with Theo and he will always come first. I guess I was being selfish at first thinking you're hot funny ideal for me. Didn't think through the logistics in the future. I have to take into consideration everything now and that's something that takes adjusting too. I can't just live in the now as there's at least 4 people involved. This isn't about you and being my type because you are amazing but I have to be realistic. It's nothing to do with you being shy. You weren't that bad. Or how you look because you're stunning. This is about realism. I'm sorry but having slept on it I think you're right I think the distance is a problem and while I'm glad I met you really glad. I just can't see it working. I'm sorry X
smackie9 Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 I don't think he is making excuses, he is protecting his feelings and of course his son's feelings too...being attached, then having it taken away is devastating for a child.
Cupid's Puppet Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 I think you should move on. There are men who live in completely different states from their kids or are willing to move in spite of having kids. My best friend recently revealed his feelings for me. We live in 2 different states. He has a kid. If I told him I wanted to give us a shot, he would have made plans to move by me that night, and believe me his child is his world. Trust me if the guy thought of you as much as you do of him, he would have found a way. Rejection sucks but that is what happened. You were rejected. Now try to find someone who lives closer and preferably doesn't have kids that would keep you tied to one location your whole life. See? Doesn't this new guy who lives closer and doesn't have kids sound a lot better already?
preraph Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Yes, but what kind of man isn't a dedicated enough father that he will just give them up so he can move and have a woman? Not a very good one, IMO. 1
katiegrl Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 This was my goodbye text If I didn't like you I wouldn't have been with you how I was yesterday. But the journey back which was a lot longer than I realised allowed me more time to think. There's no flexibility with us. Are you saying you would move up to me because there's no way I could move down to you as it would mean sacrificing my time with Theo and he will always come first. I guess I was being selfish at first thinking you're hot funny ideal for me. Didn't think through the logistics in the future. I have to take into consideration everything now and that's something that takes adjusting too. I can't just live in the now as there's at least 4 people involved. This isn't about you and being my type because you are amazing but I have to be realistic. It's nothing to do with you being shy. You weren't that bad. Or how you look because you're stunning. This is about realism. I'm sorry but having slept on it I think you're right I think the distance is a problem and while I'm glad I met you really glad. I just can't see it working. I'm sorry X I am sorry but there is no way a man who had a *huge* attraction and felt "intense chemistry" would write a text like that. Plus he was perfectly aware of the distance prior to meeting and love-bombing you with all his sweet talk. Reality is he met you in person and did not feel the chemistry.... it happens all the time. And is now using this "two hour distance" as an excuse...... Sorry. 3
Cupid's Puppet Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Yes, but what kind of man isn't a dedicated enough father that he will just give them up so he can move and have a woman? Not a very good one, IMO. Okay fair. But somehow men who have to move away from their kids for reasons other than love, like say, their careers (military, entertainment, etc.) still find a way to be dedicated fathers. So I still see it as an excuse.
katiegrl Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Yes, but what kind of man isn't a dedicated enough father that he will just give them up so he can move and have a woman? Not a very good one, IMO. Who said anything about him giving his kids up? Why can't they date for awhile and take turns visiting each other on weekends? It is a 1.5-2 hour drive for pete's sake, big whoop... There are couples who live across the country or even in different countries who make it work. When they want to! OP does, HE doesn't. But he was willing to consider it *before* they met. Speaks volumes.... He didn't feel it after they met. OP, it is best you stop romanticizing this and move on. Again, I am sorry. 1
preraph Posted August 21, 2016 Posted August 21, 2016 Okay fair. But somehow men who have to move away from their kids for reasons other than love' date=' like say, their careers (military, entertainment, etc.) still find a way to be dedicated fathers. So I still see it as an excuse.[/quote'] My feeling is that short of being in the military, if they don't love deeply enough to want frequent contact with their own kids, they don't have much capacity for love and are probably only focused on getting laid, or that they are just hugely irresponsible and think them having a good time is more important than raising their kids. Just a thought.
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