august14 Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 Maybe not a complete stranger, but a friend or an acquaintance who must be a perfectly nice guy but who you're just not interested in. Somewhat related, how do you be friendly to a guy you like as a person but not as a romantic/sexual partner without "leading him on"? Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 I do feel bad sometimes but I get over it. When I'm with a platonic friend I just stick to doing stuff that 'buddies ' do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 Yes. No one likes to turn someone down who is being nice, which is why when someone forces themself to do it and tell you no and turn you down, you should stop bugging them right then and believe what they say, because believe me, no one would do it just for sport. It's hard to do, especially for women. So if one tells you they are not interested, please just go away and leave them alone and stop thinking you can wear them down like in the movies made for men where clumsy guys somehow win the trophy wife through persistence, because that is not real life. When turning someone down, best not to make any excuses like "Not now" or "because I have a boyfriend," because that leaves them holding on to that possibility if they are an obsessive person. And always remember the quicker you cut them loose, the less time they will waste on you and the less investment they will have in you and the quicker they will move on. So you're doing them a favor. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Shanex Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 IME a woman know soon enough is shes interested in such and such guy. I dont believe in persistence either. Worse than the friendzone is being a filler. Genuine friendship are about reciprocating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 No, I don't feel bad. I just assume he's a stable guy who won't get too affected. I don't really get random declarations from friends or acquaintances though - guys I'd likely be interested in know it right away and I like to keep a crystal clear boundary with friends. I treat my male friends in the same way as I treat my femal friends: relaxed banter, support when needed, and a listening ear. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 Yes, I do feel bad about it and especially if he is a nice guy. For me, quite often the reason (apart from physical attraction which tends to be in the mix) is I don't think we are on the wavelength emotionally or intellectually. How do you tell a guy that he is too much of a slow thinker for you? How do you tell him he seems a bit mean as if he's always counting the pennies, when you are careful not to cost him anything anyway? Clearly, you don't, so you have to decline somehow. But it is awkward. If he is rude or a creep, then I don't feel the same concern. If I want to be friends with a guy, I'll just be nice to him - friendly, but talking about whatever interests we share in common, not getting onto too personal subjects. I would avoid being emotionally intimate - you know, like letting him know I feel a bit worn down today or something. I have found that guys try to become more involved then, as if I'm letting them have a way into my private emotional life. I tend to keep things more on the surface, talking about hobbies, politics, whatever. I don't flirt, so I would not flirt with a guy I wanted to be more than a friend. I might share more with him though and see how he reacted. If he was uninterested in emotional sharing, then I would lose interest in him. If he suggested meeting up somewhere or something that was going on that I might be interested in going to, I would be interested and enthusiastic and indicate that I might have time to go to it. If it were to be a friendship only, I would avoid most situations that might be construed as 'dates'. I make an exception for an old friend of mine as we have always sat and talked (but actually he shares more than me so it is a bit one-way - yep, this guy remains a friend because he talks more than listens). So, the situation varies really, depending on reasons for lack of romantic attraction, but for me the difference would be in willingness to share emotionally because I know that some guys will inevitably feel more engaged if I do. Sometimes I have to steer clear of that. Link to post Share on other sites
deep_night Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 yes. it even hurts a little to reject someone whos a decent person because i know i made them feel bad. if it's a jerk though i dont really mind Link to post Share on other sites
JewelD Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 I never feel bad because I'm very clear about whether I like a person or not. So if a person I'm not interested in asks me out, it's because they decided to ignore the signs of my disinterest and invent some type of fantasy world where I wanted them. Link to post Share on other sites
TunaCat Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 The one time I turned down a guy, I did not feel bad. He didn't do anything for me and at that point he was borderline stalking me anyway. It takes a lot for me to feel bad and turning someone down for a date isn't a reason to feel bad. Being strictly just friends with a guy means I don't get physical with him in any way that could be misconstrued as being flirty. I talk with him, yeah but I generally avoid talking about anything sexual. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 The one time I turned down a guy, I did not feel bad. He didn't do anything for me and at that point he was borderline stalking me anyway. I definitely wouldn't feel bad either in this case. One of the more difficult rejections I've had to do was a guy who DID do a lot for me as a 'friend' (this was back in Asia where the lines are a lot more blurred - there isn't the strong 'date vs friend' line that appears to be drawn in modern Western cultures). I turned him down firmly when he asked to be more than friends, but he just wouldn't take no for an answer. Rinse and repeat. Dude probably got brainwashed by all the 'persistence gets the girl!' bull crap. I eventually got pissed enough to cut off all contact with him. I did feel bad for a while, because he was a nice person and we'd been friends for quite some time. But later on I knew that I did the right thing - he couldn't accept my boundaries and kept pushing for it, so I had to enforce them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 I feel a bit bad if its someone I care about. I obviously don't want them to feel upset. The friends thing depends on the man involved. If they take the no and deal with it fine. If not then we are not friends and its just creepy. If its a random stranger I sometimes feel bad, but not too often. Last time I was asked out by a stranger he took my number etc and I then discovered he wanted me to be his mistress... Oh he was very open about it... Took a lot of ignoring to get him to go away. Sadly guys like this have balls and just don't care what women think so on the whole we tend to get a lot of this which is why we get wary after a while. I treat my male friends the same way as my female friends. We discuss the same things including tampax and PMT... Its no different. Link to post Share on other sites
Revolver Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 Only if he wins the lotto or gets drafted to the league Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 I definitely wouldn't feel bad either in this case. One of the more difficult rejections I've had to do was a guy who DID do a lot for me as a 'friend' (this was back in Asia where the lines are a lot more blurred - there isn't the strong 'date vs friend' line that appears to be drawn in modern Western cultures). I turned him down firmly when he asked to be more than friends, but he just wouldn't take no for an answer. Rinse and repeat. Dude probably got brainwashed by all the 'persistence gets the girl!' bull crap. I eventually got pissed enough to cut off all contact with him. I did feel bad for a while, because he was a nice person and we'd been friends for quite some time. But later on I knew that I did the right thing - he couldn't accept my boundaries and kept pushing for it, so I had to enforce them. The one who did this to me eventually slapped me on the backside and asked if I fancied a shag in the middle of a break up I was having... That is no friend. I have not spoken to him since... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
O'Malley Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 Thoughtful, considerate guys, a little, but rejection is something all of us experience at some point. I've occasionally regretted not feeling more of a connection with an otherwise great guy (good character, attractive, but no emotional or sexual chemistry). In the end, no harm done and both parties moved on from any mild awkwardness in the initial aftermath. When they've pushed boundaries or attempted to negate my feelings, I didn't regret a thing. I've only dealt with one individual who became hostile and aggressive afterward and it just confirmed my prior decision not to stay in touch with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 I don't enjoy hurting anyone for any reason. Rejection sucks no matter where you fall on the spectrum but I can and do get over it quickly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 It can actually be dangerous to not bluntly turn down creepy guys. But either way the same rule basically applies, and that's to turn them down while making it clear it will NEVER happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Rosemary101 Posted September 5, 2016 Share Posted September 5, 2016 Yes, of course. How bad I feel depends on how much the guy likes me. Link to post Share on other sites
Springsummer Posted September 5, 2016 Share Posted September 5, 2016 I definitely wouldn't feel bad either in this case. One of the more difficult rejections I've had to do was a guy who DID do a lot for me as a 'friend' (this was back in Asia where the lines are a lot more blurred - there isn't the strong 'date vs friend' line that appears to be drawn in modern Western cultures). I turned him down firmly when he asked to be more than friends, but he just wouldn't take no for an answer. Rinse and repeat. Dude probably got brainwashed by all the 'persistence gets the girl!' bull crap. I eventually got pissed enough to cut off all contact with him. I did feel bad for a while, because he was a nice person and we'd been friends for quite some time. But later on I knew that I did the right thing - he couldn't accept my boundaries and kept pushing for it, so I had to enforce them. I have never encountered that kind of persistence guys. All guys will just disappear the minute I turn down their offer for coffee or umbrella, lunch together etc... The most 'persistence' was a shuttle bus driver in Montreal. I just chatted abit on my way to airport, and he won't open the door to let me leave the bus until I gave him my number...that was the most aggressive I have ever encountered. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 5, 2016 Share Posted September 5, 2016 Women: Do you feel bad about turning down a guy? I'd guess for most women, it would depend what the guy was asking for... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Springsummer Posted September 5, 2016 Share Posted September 5, 2016 I'd guess for most women, it would depend what the guy was asking for... Mr. Lucky exactly All guys will just disappear the minute I turn down their offer for coffee or umbrella, lunch together etc...I have never felt bad about turning them down, because I don't like them. Maybe I am cold hearted? The worst I felt now was my high school guy. I refused his offer of umbrella 3 times bluntly and 'rudely'( non diplomatically), because I was too dumb at that age, I didn't know even guess his intention. it was just about the umbrella that I don't need, not even about him at all. much later, I learnt girls in my class called him preferred man! only then I started to think why he did what he did. I was that dumb. yes, I was rude and clueless. he was a very nice person. I don't know if I really hurt him. no idea. must be I guess, was I possibly his first crash? yes, I supposed I am generally cold hearted. but I don't use and mislead people though. now I am at certain age...and I am panic now, and opportunities just don't seem to exist, even I look young. tremendously regret now what I have done to all those guys who actually approached me, now that the one I am interested doesn't even remember me. Karma? Link to post Share on other sites
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